She calls you. To tell you she's pregnant.

You didn't know when to expect Lauren Conrad to call you again, even though you were pretty sure she would whenever she wanted to sneak around behind her soon-to-be-husband's back, but when she called you a few weeks later, she had something else entirely on her mind.

"Lauren, what's up? You needing some dick tonight, baby?" you ask her when you pick up the phone and recognize her number.

"John...I'm pregnant...and it's yours..." she tells you, obviously trying to keep her composure as she shares this news with you, telling you that she is sure it is yours because she has been so busy planning her wedding that she hasn't been with her fiance since then.

"I don't know what you expect me to do about it Lauren," you tell her, deciding it was time to show your true colors now that you know you have gotten her pregnant, "I went to that party looking for some pussy, and I got what I was after. It's not my fault you're such a slut."

"FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!" she yells into the phone, "My life is over. William is going to find out sooner or later. I can't believe I was so stupid."

"Actually, Lauren, I'm the one who fucked you," you tell her, sneering into the phone, "and I hope we can work something out, baby. Cause when he leaves your cheating ass and you're all alone with my bastard baby for nine months, someone's gonna have to take care of your slutty ass."