She Backs Off

All the blood drained from Christie's face as the reality of the moment hit her. This wasn't a fantasy. This was happening. There were consequences. She stared at Amber, crying and scared in the corner of the room, spouting gibberish as her best friend tried to process what had happened.

Christie had assaulted her. She had sexually assaulted her best friend. What was she? What happened? Her mind began to reel as she tried to figure out what to do; how she could push the "undo" button on the last few seconds.

"Ambs, I... I..." She was at a loss for words. What could she say? How could she make it right? Her lip trembled as she contemplated losing the friendship of the best girl she had ever met, the girl she loved.

"Ambs, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to I just, I was drunk and I saw you, and you're so gorgeous now, and I wanted you, I've always wanted you, and I've always loved you and I don't want to hurt you, and I'm a lesbian and I've love you, and I'm sorry I never told you, I was just scared, and I don't want to lose our friendship and I'm so sorry and I want to take it all back and I'm so... I'm so..." The words came tumbling out of her as she pleaded with her best friend. Anything. Anything but this. She had never known regret like this and she could only pray she never would again. She felt tears well into her eyes, but did her best to hold them back.

"I'm so sorry, and I wish I hadn't done it and I lost control for a second, and I swear I won't ever again, and I'm so, so, so, so, so, so sorry, please Ambs don't hate me, god, please don't hate me Ambs, I'll ask mum to take you home and you don't ever have to see me again just please don't hate me Ambs..." Christie couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and she joined her friend in sobbing on the floor.

For a while there was nothing but the sound of the two girls crying, as Amber tried to process what had happened and Christie tried to grapple with her fear and regret. Eventually it grew quiet, and Amber was the first to speak.

"What... what the fuck just happened?" She said, curled up with her arms over her chest. "Why the fuck did you do that?"

Christie lifted her head from the floor, eyes red and puffy. "I'm so sorry Ambs, I swear I won't ever again --"

Amber cut her off. "I asked what the fuck just happened and why the fuck you did it." She had a steely edge to her look that Christie had never seen before. She knew their friendship was teetering on a knife's edge. This was not the time to hide anything.

Christie took a long, shuddering breath before speaking quietly. "Ambs, I... I like girls. Like, I'm a lesbian. I've known for a long time, I just... I was scared to tell you. Because of the whole religion thing." She gulped, staring into Amber's eyes. "We've been friends for a long time. Close friends... really close friends. I um... I got a bit of a crush on you. That time I kissed you? It wasn't... I, um... I wanted it. I liked it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that moment ever since." Amber looked confused, stressed... angry? Christie couldn't understand her expression. She continued carefully. "I... um... it, it didn't stop with a crush. It became full blown lust. Fantasies, wishful thinking, you name it. I had so many urges, but I knew I couldn't... because of the way you felt. I knew you liked guys, and I knew you were religious and I didn't want you to hate me. But it wouldn't go away and I couldn't stop thinking about you... back before you looked like... like this, I wanted you. And over the past year I started to realize... I... I love you Amber." Christie saw Amber's eyes go wide, and her mouth begin to open, but Christie cut her off. "Look, quick, before you say anything, I need to say that... I'm sorry. So sorry. More sorry than I ever thought I could be. None of this excuses what I did. Not the years, not the urges, not the secrecy, not the ****. I did it, and I wanted it, and I'm so, so sorry that I made the wrong choice. You have every right to hate me, but... I can't do anything but beg you not to. I'll do anything to show you that I care. That this was a mistake. Please give me a chance."

Amber looked at her best friend. There was no one else in the world she trusted more. At least, that had been true up until this moment. Could she ever trust Christie again? Even before that, could she forgive Christie? Her world had come crashing down so many times recently she didn't even know what was real anymore. She needed time to decide fully what she felt, but... she didn't want to go through this alone.

'I don't know if I can forgive you. Not just yet. This was a... violation. Of my privacy, of my personhood, of me. I don't know how to be **** with you anymore. But I love you and want to work through this. We can rebuild the trust. I don't hate you for who you are, but what you did was horrible and wrong and there will be consequences. We'll figure it out over time, but we can salvage our relationship.'

That's what Amber would have said if she could have found the words. If she were mature. If she weren't terrified of being alone.

"Christie..." Amber said. Christie's eyes fastened on hers. "I don't... I don't know... just... let's forget about it. Okay? This never happened. I don't... I don't want... just... it never happened. We're not gonna be together. I'm not... like that. Lesbian, I mean. Just... just forget about tonight."

Christie's eyes spilled over with tears at her friend's words. "Ambs, of course, I'm so, so, sorry. I'll never do anything like this ever again, with anyone, ever. I promise. I'm so sorry!" She felt a massive wave of relief wash over her. Their friendship would be saved. But... there was the disappointment too. So many years of waiting, of hoping, of fantasizing. The reality stung. Amber didn't want her. Amber would never want her. Amber barely wanted to be her friend right now.

The rest of the night was nearly silent as the girls got ready for bed. There were a few awkward jokes from Christie as she tried to reassert some kind of normal, but it wasn't long before they turned out the lights and crawled into their sleeping bags: Christie on the couch, Amber on the other side of the room facing the wall.

As Amber was drifting off, the only sound in the room was the sound of her friend sobbing softly. Amber wasn't crying, she didn't really feel anything. She felt hollow. Empty. But as her friend cried on the other side of the room, she felt tears running down her cheeks. What was going to happen to them? She didn't know what she wanted. But she didn't want it to be like this. She stood up slowly, and dragged her sleeping bag across the room next to the couch -- just like they used to.

"Christie?" Amber asked softly.

"... yeah?" Christie sniffled and answered.

"I'm sorry I called you a creep."

"I... I forgive you."

"Goodnight."

Christie smiled through her tears as Amber crawled back into her sleeping back. Maybe there was real hope for them after all.

"Goodnight, Ambs."