Scene 20

Sitting down at his small desk Jackson dangled his five inch rounded toe black heel from his foot, allowing the cool air from the office to help ease at least one of his sore feet after walking around, bending down, squatting as he pulled various files. The administrative job wasn’t a difficult one, but with his mind in a fog it became incredibly difficult to focus on a task for any prolonged period of time. He had left a message to get in for a follow up appointment with his therapist, but after doing the busy work he had found himself calmer between the distraction and medication. It didn’t make what happened go away, it just no longer felt nearly as important and much easier to rationalize away.

One of the constants in his day was the phone on his desk ringing, this particular time Jackson hit answer on the third ring, his mind literally taking a few seconds to realize what the sound was coming from the headset he wore as he absentmindedly looked at his long nails and the smooth color across them. He always loved running a finger across a girl’s nails after she got them done, they were pretty and he liked it when someone he was dating took the time to take care of themselves. A thing he wasn’t particularly motivated to do for himself, till his recent life change and now here he was… with long pretty nails. That was the thought that had been interrupted by the insistent call for attention from the phone.

“Good morning and.. Oh.” Jackson saw the time on his monitor screen, showing that the day had sped past in a blur, the time showing it was slightly less than an hour before quitting time. It made him stop to think if he had even taken the time for lunch. He recalled vaguely drinking a strawberry flavored diet shake and Tabitha saying something about Abe being tall and good looking and a man who can cook as they sat in the break room. Thinking on it he had felt offended, men can cook. Lots of men were cooks and he could… he could at least make pancakes and had spent enough time with his father around the grill that he thought he could do just fine grilling himself if he had to.

“Hello? Did I lose you?” The male voice on the other end of the phone said when there was a break in the greeting.

“Sorry, sorry.” Jackson gave a small shake of his head. “I meant good afternoon, thank you for calling Mega Corp, Alexander Dunn’s office. I’m Jacqueline, how can I assist you today?” He said with a light friendly voice and a smile on his face that came easy. Who got through to speak with his supervisor and who didn’t was sometimes no one, but when Dunn’s name wasn’t set to do not disturb all Jackson had to do was type into the company messaging system who was calling and why and he would either take the call or a message would need to be left.

“Good afternoon yourself, I’m Bodhi Collens and I’m calling on behalf of…” The man didn’t get to finish his sentence, being interrupted by Jackson.

“I’m sorry sir, I’m umm… my computer is acting up. Could I get your name again? Jackson hit the B key a few more times, the application refusing to so much as show the blinking curser, let alone any typing.

“The name is Bodhi Collens, I’m calling on behalf of Cynthia Abella.” The voice said on the other end of the phone, his tone still just as friendly.

“I’m sorry sir, did you say Body Collens?” Jackson squinted at the name Body written down on the post-it note, after giving up on the computer, knowing the name was wrong, he glared at the written word as if it had the answers as he started to write down the second name the man had said.

“No, Bodhi. B-O-D-H-I, Bodhi.”

Hearing the man say his name again Jackson stopped writing the other name Cynthia and crossed off the word Body, but then stopped moving his hand losing track of what the man was saying as he started to mentally admonish himself for not being able to catch someone's name.

“I’m sorry one more time sir.” It really sounded like he said body, but had also had an H in it.

“Listen girl! My name is Bodhi Collens. BODHI COLLENS! I know it isn’t a common name, but it isn’t difficult and I’m calling on behalf of Cynthia Abella. Not Cynthia Bella, or Cynthia Bell. You know the VP of acquisitions up in New York. As in the east coast HQ. Jeez, she has someone working for her like you. I’m betting Alexander only has you for… You know what, never mind. I will just email him.”

There was no hard click like when someone slammed down a phone, just a hollow silence as the line went dead. With the phone call over Jackson rolled his eyes, tossing the pen atop his desk. “Bodhi, a bit rude… Bodhi sounding like a surfer but working as a corporate flunky. Pfff…” Jackson blew out through his lips causing them to flap and make the noise as Jackson’s heavily mascaraed eyes looked back to the time on the computer, the messenger app once again looking like it was working with his last message waiting to be sent to his boss reading BodBBBBBBBBBBBBB. With a shrug he deleted the line and changed the recipient to Abraham Downings.

Jacqueline Hart: HEY I WANTED TO SEE

Jacqueline Hart: Caps sorry

Jacqueline Hart: I wanted to see if we were still on for dinner tonight

There was no nervous energy in Jackson’s body like he would normally feel asking a girl out or anxiously waiting for her to reply, to him it was just dinner. A great reprieve from being around men that were attracted to him. He didn’t mind people being gay, they could do whatever they wanted to be happy, he had even been bought a drink once by another guy. It had still felt good to be the one receiving the drink instead of sending one, but what was happening with Dunn and Linc was different. What was happening from Dunn to Linc was also different from one another. The way his boss looked at him made him feel self conscious, like a deer being looked at by a wolf and with Linc… well the hugs were nice. He had never been hugged so much in his life not after his mom had left, but it was still so… odd. Abe was just another guy, they could drink, talk shop and eat… ‘Mmm I hope he is a good cook because I am not swallowing something bad after starving myself.’ At that thought the corner of Jackson’s mouth curled up showing some of his whitened teeth as he smirked, just now getting some of the things his new work friend Tabitha had said that morning. ‘She is bad, I bet she would be great in…’ The thought didn’t finish as a flashing icon showed he had gotten a reply.

Abraham Downings: Hey yourself! No need to apologize. I like the enthusiasm.

Abraham Downings: Yep and I hope you come hungry. I have the spaetzle and schnitzel all prepped.

Jacqueline Hart: Hungry Im starving need me to pick up some beer on the way over

Abraham Downings: I have two perfectly good bottles of wine already picked out.

Jacqueline Hart: Wine will do

Abraham Downings: I hope you like everything, I am still trying to figure out a veggy.

Abraham Downings: Asparagus, Cucumber salad, or Brussel sprouts?

Jacqueline Hart: …

Jacqueline Hart: I will only eat the salad

Abraham Downings: Should have known to just go with a salad

Abraham Downings: Still have things to do before I can leave, see you tonight.

Jackson didn’t like any of the options, both asparagus and brussel sprouts sounded disgusting, he liked cucumbers, but he wasn’t exactly a salad eater. He pressed his hand to his corseted stomach, shrugging to himself at the idea he could just eat what he wanted and claim to be too fool to eat another bite, the corset would restrict how much he could eat in a way, but he wasn’t planning on wearing it for the meal if he could help it. After confirming the one good thing that was happening that day it didn’t take long for the work day to conclude or at least it hadn’t felt like it to Jackson. He just quickly sent a message to his boss saying he was leaving for the day and locked the computer before the man could ask him to do something else or come into his office to do something else… Putting the strap of his purse over his shoulder he quickly made his way to hunt down Lincoln so they could go home.

It hadn’t been much of a hunt, his friend was sitting in their old cubicle, now all alone, just sitting there looking at his screen with a headset on. Glancing at the tiny watch on his wrist Jackson saw it was only ten after five, after quitting time for them, but still Linc was engrossed in whatever it was he was doing. Jackson leaned against the cubicle half wall and pursed his lips as he watched the man. ‘Linc really is diligent, I would let him do his thing but…’ Jackson glanced off to his side as more people funneled off to the stairs or the elevator, calling it quits for the day. ‘I don’t want to be here and I need to get ready for Abe.’ He looked down at his current outfit, showing a good deal of the fake feminine shelf. ‘Don’t want to show up looking like a tart. God I want to kill Maddy sometimes for making me dress like...’ The thought hit Jackson like a lightning bolt, he loved his sister, he would step in front of a bullet for her, but just now it occurred to him that if she hadn’t **** him to dress the way he did, none of this would have happened. Linc set things up, but didn’t make him do anything.

Moving his hand to his chin, Jackson tapped his plumped bottom lip twice before moving over to the cheap office printer in the cubicle section before taking a few pieces of paper and folding them into paper airplanes. With a few prepared Jackson moved to the cubicle opening once more, tossing the paper plane at his friend.

“Hey!” Lincoln called out as he felt something poke him in the head, the object falling atop his keyboard after its collision course. Taking the plane Lincoln glared over to his friend, looking over just in time to see another one heading directly for him. Standing up he swiped his hand in the air to deflect the small plane, missing it and it missing him.

Jackson smiled and laughed. “You look like King Kong angry at the planes attacking him.”

“Guessing this is your subtle, subtle for you at least to say it is time to go home?”

Widening his eyes to be expressive as he could be Jackson nodded slowly. “Time. To. Go.”

“I have to write a paper on what it means to be a good leader… I’m betting no one will read it… but going home to spend time with you sounds like a lot better of an idea.”

Pressing his lips together in a line, Jackson squinted slightly giving Linc a shake of his head. “If it was Monday night and we could watch a game sure… but sorry. Tonight I have a hot date.” Jackson said joking, the memory of Tabitha talking about Abe in a dreamy fashion before pointing her finger at him and saying the word “jealous” followed by “hate you”

“Is tonight date night?” Lincoln thought for a second about what was in his bank account. “Yeah that sounds good, I can swing that.”

“No not you, I’m going to go hang out with Abe. I was joking about it being a date.”

“Abe?”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “Abe, Abraham Downings the lead in the sales department. I told you we were going to hang out tonight.” Jackson half closed his eyes as he blinked, not really remembering the car ride to work that morning. ‘I think I told him, didn’t I?’

“So you are going on a date with another man when…” Lincoln stopped what he was saying when his blonde friend shook her hand in the air like she was swatting down paper airplanes or more accurately the very idea of what he was saying.

“Not. A. Date. I’m going to…” Jackson trailed off for a second, losing his train of thought. “Wait what was I… Abe.” He nodded, smiling at the idea of a delicious home cooked meal. “I’m just networking, you know the thing most people have to do to get ahead. Say, you haven’t been hiding a secret cooking talent have you? Maddy can burn water and I can do a little…”

The sight of seeing Jacqueline smile when she mentioned the taller, more muscular and successful man hadn’t felt good to Lincoln, but he tried not to take it to heart. He was getting into shape, or at least starting to work at it and he was successful, he was about to be successful… it was being thrown in his lap, but it was still success. “I can cook, do you like a man who knows his way around a kitchen?” He gave the sexy girl in tall heels and a tight pencil skirt a confident smile, one that he didn’t feel. Lincoln had made a few things before, he was no cook, but he could follow a recipe.

With a flat look Jackson crossed his arms under his chest, leaned his face a little forward before moving one hand over his heart or best he could with the ever present and never forgotten fake feminine chest as he spoke in a sarcastic tone. “Oh Linc, my heart is all a flutter just thinking of a man who could provide for me, cook for me, spoil me with all manner of gifts.” Jackson stopped talking, his brown eyes looking up and to the left as he thought. The pause went on longer than he intended, making Lincoln think she was waiting on a response and making him wonder if that was actually sarcasm, a trap or a humor vailed confession. “Definitely that last one, Linc feel free to shower me with gifts, I’m putting up with a lot for you, I mean A LOT.”

The emphasis on a lot put together with putting up with made Lincoln grimace. He knew he wasn’t the best of specimens and with his doubt about his performance the night before it made him think he needed to put in more effort. “Alright, I get it… how about I cook tomorrow night. How does lasagna sound?” He asked, already making a mental note to text his mom for her recipe.

“You can make lasagna? Yeah that sounds fantastic!” Jackson said, giving his friend a large open mouthed smile that practically touched his eyes. ‘Right now everything sounds amazing, god I’m hungry!’

~

Back at the apartment Jackson stood in front of a mirror in what used to be his room. His arms were held down at his sides, wrists up, with palms facing the floor as Jackson turned his head and his body one way and then another. Looking very much like any girl both excited and nervous about their date and wanting to make sure they look right. When Jackson had gotten home he found Maddy sitting in the living room wearing light blue tiny cotton pajama shorts and a fluffy gray robe that had gotten just loose enough to show she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath, looking very much like a lazy work from home employee, complete with bed head as she typed away on her laptop seemingly unaware that it was well past time to have gotten dressed for the day and past normal quitting time. Jackson tilted his head to the side and leaned into Lincoln as his friend gave him a kiss on the cheek before moving off to their shared bedroom, saying something about needing to get changed and hit the gym.

“You look comfortable.” Jackson said to his sister, with a little irritation in his voice as he thought of how he was dressed, how she had picked out his clothes for the day while she got to be home relaxing, not dressed up to impress.

“And you my dear sister look rather fetching, the corporate thing you got going on works for you.” She said with a smile, closing the lid on her laptop. “Did you have a good day?”

The answer was no, but he didn’t want to get into it and wasn’t sure he currently had the capacity to even say everything that happened, let alone remember it all. So instead he went right to the point. “Okay, so tonight I’m meeting up with the manager of the sales… no he isn’t a manager, but he is the lead in the sales department, he is cooking us dinner and…”

“Cheating on Lincoln already.” Madison interrupted making a tisking sound. The comment had just the right timing as he came out of his bedroom in jogging pants and an A-frame undershirt.

Jackson made a face in Lincoln’s direction, the grimacing fading as he put his hands on his hips, leaning long ago putting his fists to his hips ended in him stabbing himself with his nails. “I’m not cheating… Maddy stop it! It isn’t a date and because it isn’t a date I need to wear something less…” He motioned to his current outfit.

“Pretty, sexy, eye-catching?” His sister helpfully gave options to complete the sentence and received another glare for the effort before turning her head to Lincoln. “You sure you want to stay with a girl who isn’t loyal? You could still change your mind and marry me!”

Lincoln smirked at her, shaking his head as he made his way out of the apartments small living room, not wanting to be part of their conversation, while Jackson flat out ignored his sisters comments to his friend.

“Office slutty, office bimbo… just all over looking for something not like this. I would put on a t-shirt and pants, but all of my clothes were packed up, by you.” He ended the sentence by pointing at his sister, ignoring Linc as he made his way out of the apartment and presumably to the apartment's gym.

“I hate to say it… no I really don’t, you deserve to hear it.” Madison said as she got to her feet, tightening her robe. “Anything you wear will look sexy on you. The Hart sisters are hot, I mean even like this I know I am.”

“You don’t, not even a little and I don’t want to look hot. I want to look normal, I want to talk to Abe about his sales numbers, what others in his department are doing and how to beat them all when I get to that department.”

He watched as his sister nodded slowly, he wasn’t able to parse out what she was thinking by the look on her face and started to tap his heeled foot impatiently, if she wasn’t going to help him then he needed to start looking at his options because he really didn’t want to show up at the man’s house looking like the office tart.

“You want my help?” She asked, smirking when her sibling looked at her intently nodding their head. “Well then I think you need to give me a compliment, I have given you at least two since you have come home and all you did was insult me.” Madison huffed pretending to be hurt as she tossed her short unbrushed hair back with a flip of her head.

‘A compliment?’ He thought. “You are the best sister I have ever had.”

She shook her head. “Do better, I’m your only sister.”

“I sometimes wish we were closer.” Jackson admitted with a sigh.

The comment earring a small clap of Madison’s hands as she grinned. “Awww that is super sweet! We live together now so we can spend nights getting closer, painting each other's nails, going over what you want for your wedding and of course we will have more girl nights out.”

He could just picture him and his sister sitting on each end of the couch with their feet in each other’s lap as the painted toe nails. It was not what he meant by getting closer and the only upside to girl nights as she put it was getting to see the pretty blonde bartender that had openly flirted with him. “Fun, sounds suuuuper fun!” He plastered a fake smile on his face as he spoke in an over the top excited way. “Now… clothes, outfit, you love this stuff.”

“I do…” Madison shook her head. “I think you should compliment yourself first. It is important to have good self esteem.”

“Like what?” Jackson asked, exasperated by his older sister.

“Repeat after me. I feel proud to be a sexy woman.”

Jackson shook his head as he took a small step backwards, a feat that would have brought him toppling to the floor a week ago. “I am not going to say that.”

“If you will not help yourself, then I will not help you.” She said, giving her self conscious sister a stern look. She had been doing research wanting to support her brother as much as she could as he transitioned to the women he wanted to be and had read a great deal about dysphoria.

“Really? Come on.” Jackson touched this tongue to the inside of his cheek feeling like his always bossy and sometimes playful sister was enjoying herself way too much. “Fine.” he said with another sigh, this one much heavier. “I am a proud and sexy woman. There happy?”

Moving forward quickly Madison gave her newly branded sister a big hug, whispering to her as she held her tightly. “Yes you are, and I’m proud to have you as my sister, I love you.”

Reluctantly Jackson hugged her back, the hesitation being more for the reason behind the hug, than the hug itself. “I love you too Maddy.”

Stepping back Madison had a bright smile on her face, this time really inspecting her sister and how she was dressed. She had picked out the outfit and thought Jackie could easily just wear it out, but could understand the desire to change outfits. A way to step more away more and put up a type of barrier from work time and free time and make her doubt her siblings comment about this being about work more. “I have a few ideas, also… that isn’t what I told you to say, but close enough.”

Jackson furrowed his brow as his sister pulled him along into his old room unable to remember what exactly she had said less than a minute ago that he was supposed to repeat. “I got it wrong?”

All of that led up to him inspecting his current look in the mirror. A dark orange sleeveless dress, lapel collar dress with accordion skirt and a built in tie wrap belt. His lower body was free from stockings or pantyhose, a wonderful change to not feel like a rubber band or bands squeezing him and she had even allowed him to go without a corset though he had to make a promise about… something, he had jumped on the offer without considering it and now what he had agreed to escaped him. Jackson had his lob hairstyle pulled back with a simple thin alice band, wooden square earrings that had a small square within a bigger one, he had run his finger inside of one making a dinging noise like it was a type of dinner bell before Maddy had taken them from him and put them in his ears. They were light weight, a thing he couldn’t say for the thick wooden bangle around his right wrist that looked like the wood had been twisted. One hand went up to touch the necklace around his neck. The back of it was a simple cheap gold chain and the front it had thick blue stone links with three gold ones woven in.

Touching it, seeing the contrast in color between his red nails and the necklace is mind wandered for the upteenth time that day, it looked really familiar he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

Seeing Jacqueline touch the necklace and be lost in thought Madison spoke up, expecting her siblings was remembering the last time she had seen that very necklace. “It was Mom’s. She left a lot of things behind, Dad never tossed anything out. I think he also hoped she would come back, but he didn’t fight me when I took her jewelry. It looked good on her, me and now you.” She said with a sad smile.

“This was… oh.” Jackson’s fingers lingered longer on the necklace. His eyes welled up with tears from a painful memory of his mother, his body now full of estrogen starting him down the path of a second chemical induced feminine puberty happy to let the normally held back tears flow.

Hugging her almost fully dressed sister from behind Madison whispered to her. “Its okay, I’m here with you, I will always be here with you.”

Turning around Jackson hugged his sister back, this time much tighter than he had earlier in the living room. His previous irritation at how she dressed him for the day forgotten along with his anger about her pushing him down his path, just happy to hold her.

After just over a minute of holding Jacqueline, Madison pulled back, leaving her hands on her siblings shoulders. “We are going to need to fix your makeup, clean you up, new mascara, eyeliner, concealer, blush, setting powder all of it. So keep their tears in check or we will be here all night, but first…” She let go, picking up the pair of shoes on the floor. “You need to finish getting dressed.” Madison said holding up a pair of wood and four inch brown leather wedges with thick braided band straps and inch and half platforms.

“Am I supposed to say those are cute?” He asked sneering at the shoes, happy they were at least not stilettos like he had been wearing all day, but wishing he was going to get to wear a pair of simple sandals or flip flops, his sister had plenty of those in her collection.

“They are cute and you know they are, stop pretending you don’t love them. They will look darling on you and go with your date outfit.”

“Maddy…” He gave her a flat look.

“I know, I know, it isn’t a date, because if it was a date then you would be cheating on Lincoln and you are madly in love with him and just can’t wait for him to ask you to marry him, but until he does and you accept…”

“Nope!” Jackson said, cutting her off and swiping the wedge shoes from her grasp. “Not having this conversation!” His mind felt much clearer than it had that afternoon and even more so than when he got home, some of the lexapro already working its way out of his system and making him a little less tolerant of the feminine jibes. ‘She was just hugging me and being sweet and then turns around and messes with me.’ Jackson thought as he sat down on the bed, using one hand to sweep back the skirt of the dress.

“I love you Maddy, but you are a brat.”