Satie's got personal troubles, but bigger problems arise

"Satie?!" Lucy called out as she stepped through the door of the store, carefully avoiding broken glass and ceramics on the floor. Looking up, she saw that Satie was currently snarling as she glared at a shovel, the heat from her gaze melting the head down to nothing. "Satie? What's wrong?"

"Go away, Lucy. I don't wanna talk right now!" Satie growled, throwing the wooden handle to the ground. "I'm glad you're alright, but -" she turned to Lucy and donned a look of confusion, "Why... Are you naked?"

"Look, long story short, I have demon hunters after me and I need to preform the ritual to get my powers back. I originally came to borrow your -"

"Oh, 'the ritual', huh?" Satie snapped in a sarcastic tone that was uncharacteristic of her according to Lucy. "Well, tough toenails! Go talk to a demon lord who gives a damn!"

"What?!" Lucy asked in shock as she followed Satie into the backroom, "Satie! That's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair! You should know that ever since The Big Guy kicked us out!"

"Satie, this isn't like you." Lucy said in concern. "Yeah, you have a bit of a temper, but never like this! What happened? Why are you like this?!"

"Because none of your business!" Satie spat.

"Why are you like this?" Lucy asked again, placing her hands on Satie's shoulders. "Answer me, Satie!"

"Because!"

"That's not an answer!"

"Because!"

"'Because' why?"

"Just because!"

"'Because' WHY, Satan?!"

"BECAUSE LOUIE LEFT ME!" Satie finally shouted, tears streaming down her face while the hurt and angry look remained on her face. Breaking down into sobs, Satie placed her head into her hands as she plopped down on in her arm chair. "He... He just... He didn't even bother coming over and..."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Lucy said shaking her head in disbelief. "He dumped you? Cthulhu actually dumped you?! What the hell is wrong with that overgrown plate of sushi?!"

"Apparently, Azathoth doesn't think that The Elder Gods should mingle with the affairs of the humans of Earth and their gods and demons anymore." Satie explained, "And you would think that, being my freaking boyfriend and all, Louie would be against the idea! But he... He... He..."

"Oh, Satie..." Lucy said as she kneeled down and tightly hugged her friend. "You don't deserve this! To be honest, none of us ever liked Cthulhu anyway. You were way to good for that pompous, arrogant octopus that took pleasure in driving mortals to the brink of madness!"

"But..." Satie whimpered softly, slowly removing her glasses and wiping her eyes. "But I loved him."

"Well, it seems to me that he doesn't love you if he chose an eyeball with tentacles and a destruction fetish over you!" Lucy replied. "And he's a complete moron for doing so! And to dump you over the phone, too?! What did he even say?!"

"He said, and I quote, 'Hey, Satie. Great-great Grandpa said that us Elder and Outer gods can't interact with you guys anyone, so... Have a good life! It's been fun! Oh, by the way, my wife Idh-Yaa and my daughter Cthylla may have found out about us. Oh, right; you didn't know about them'."

"... ... Yeah, when I get my powers back, I'm making calamari!"

"What the hell are those two doing with The Devil?!" Grant hissed as he and Roxie watched the three standing outside Satie's store. "Those two are idiots but have they finally lost it?!"

"Did you see that bird bath being thrown through the window?" Roxie asked, blinking a bit. At seeing Grant's expression, the woman said, "I'm not ignoring you, but the only one strong enough to do a feat like that was practically clinging to that fat hillbilly like a vice when it happened."

"We shouldn't have let them run off! Now we gotta save their sorry asses too!" Grant groaned.

"But why did she even drag them here? When does a gardening shop having anything to do... With..." Roxie trailed off as she looked up at the sign. "'The Garden of Eden: Gar-'? T-the Garden of - Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me!"

"What?"

"Did you fall asleep during the demon lore training?!" Roxie groaned in annoyance. "The Garden of Eden. Satan snuck in and disguised as a snake to dupe Adam and Eve into biting the apple. Satan? The Demon Lord of Wrath?!"

"... Crap!" Grant said, finally putting two and two together. "We gotta get him out of here before The Devil finishes whatever she has planned with him! Those two can fend for themselves!"

"How, though? If those idiots are under the same spell as that guy is, they aren't gonna let us just waltz up and take the guy!" Roxie said.

"I don't know, but - LOOK OUT!"

At that moment, an animal control van sped away from the parking lot of the gardening center towards them, Grant shoving Roxie to the ground and out of the way as it drove past, landing on top of her. Before either could say anything, the too hit a pothole and an object flew out of the open doors of the van, landing right in front of them as the van drove off. Looking down, the demon hunters saw that it was a case containing a tranquilizer gun and darts.

"... You thinking what I'm thinking?" Roxie asked with a wolfish grin while Grant nodded with a smirk. "Good. NOW GET OFF ME!"

"You doin' alright, Partner?" Buddy asked Kyle, getting the other guy's attention.

"Y-yeah. I'm good." Kyle replied. "Just a little nervous about this whole thing is all."

"Hey, we fucked in front of Lucy's friend. We know how that is." Hailey commented. "Is it that this is your first time too?"

"No. Well..."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, I... It's nothing."

"No, no, no." Hailey said, "I may not be the brightest bulb in the broom closet, but even I know that was a 'something' nothing and not a 'nothing' nothing. What's wrong?"

"It's just..." Kyle sighed and blushed. "If I tell you two, will you promise not to laugh or say one word to Lucy?"

"Cross mah heart and hope ta die." Buddy replied.

"I promise." Hailey replied.

"Okay..." Kyle said, looking away. "I'm nervous because... Well, I didn't put this in my dating profile, but the reason that my last girlfriend dumped me was because, when we went all the way, I..." He blushed crimson, "I came too early."

"How early?"

"I was in her for fifteen seconds before I blew my load." Kyle replied shamefully. "What if I last even less with Lucy? What if she laughs at me? What if she thinks I'm pathetic and wants nothing to do with me anymore?!"

"Aww." Hailey said as she hugged Kyle, "It's alright. Lucy is a really nice girl from what Buddy and I saw so far tonight. There's no way she'd do that, right Buddy?"

"Shoot! That there girl likes ya, boy! She'll like ya even if ya last two seconds!"

"Gee... Thanks."

"Now hold on there. Ah didn't mean it like - GAH!" Buddy yelped, feeling a pain in his arm. "What the hell?!"

"Buddy! What - HELLO!" Hailey shrieked as a similar pain shot through her ass cheek through her robe.

"Guys! Are you o-" Kyle began, only to gasp in shock to see Buddy and Hailey fall to the ground and pass out...

A dart sticking out of Buddy's arm and Hailey's ass cheek respectively.

In a panic, Kyle turned to the store front to call out for Lucy when suddenly a gloved hand plastered itself over his mouth and a pair of naked breasts pressed into his back.

"Shh! It's alright, Dude." Roxie said quietly as she tightly held Kyle and brought him towards the back of the van. "We're here to save you."

Kyle broke free and glared at the demon hunter. "I don't need saving! And dear God, you stink! What? Have you been rolling around in a moldy taco salad?! Lu-"

*THUNK!*

Kyle fell to the ground out cold.

"I had it under control, thank you very much." Roxie spat at Grant, the man lowering the butt of the tranquilizer rifle. "What if you killed him?!"

"Relax! I just knocked him out." Grant said, rolling his eyes. "Besides, we're trying to save this guy from The Devil while taking her out too. And we can't do the last part if he's dead!"

"Are you seriously planning on using an innocent bystander as bait, breaking the biggest law of The Organization, just so you can kill The Devil!" Roxie asked in shock.

"Uh... Yeah."

Roxie smirked. "And here I thought you lacked a spine and balls!" She chuckled, "You most certainly have a cock though..."

"... Huh?"

"Forget it!" Roxie spat, blushing as she realized she said that last part out loud. "Just get him into the van, and let's find a place we can take out The Devil in private!"

"What about these braindead morons?"

"Leave them." Roxie stated. She then eyed Buddy and Hailey before smirking. "But first..."

"I'm sorry I snapped at you, Lucy." Satie said softly as Lucy sat next to her. "I just..."

"Hey, I understand." Lucy replied with a nod.

"I just hope whoever you're dating and have to preform The Ritual with is nice and actually treats you better, Lucy." Satie said.

"You know," Lucy began carefully, "I actually spoke with Pazuzu the other day. He told me that he's actually been wanting to ask you out for three centuries now."

"H-he has?" Satie asked. "But... But he never shown interest in me before."

"He told me that was the biggest mistake he ever made."

"... Did he seriously say that?"

"Satie, we've been best friends since before we were casted out. At what point have I ever lied to you?" Lucy asked with a chuckle. "Besides, you're the one with the nickname 'The Prince of Lies', not me."

"Yeah..." Satie giggled. She then sighed as she shook her head. "For a second there, I thought I was gonna be the only one besides Ozzie who was gonna show up to The Ritual alone. You and this Kyle guy, Bee and Q, Mammo and Charity, Belle and Aergia, Levi and Uriel..."

"How did you know about those last two?"

"Levi was very vocal about getting her girlfriend back tonight over on her social media." Satie explained, "And I got a call from Belle right before I went to water some of my plants and came across those demon hunters. A rather fitting pair, I think. The Demon Lord of Sloth and The Greek Goddess of Laziness."

"Yeah, they would actually look really cute to- DID YOU JUST SAY 'DEMON HUNTERS'?!" Lucy shrieked as she got to her feet, surprising Satie. "Where?!"

"Well, they were here, but Artemis came out of nowhere and -"

Satie was cut off as the roar of an engine and the screeching of tires filled the air. In a panic, Lucy and Satie left the backroom and entered the store, going wide eyed as they looked out the window to see a naked Buddy and Hailey groaning as they laid on the ground next to where the van once was...

The van that was currently roaring down the road.

"KYLE!" Lucy shrieked in horror.

"Ugh... What hit me?" Kyle groaned as he looked around. He was back in Buddy's van, and his wrists were tied, but as he looked forward, he saw that Buddy and Hailey were not the ones in the front. "What the hell are you guys doing?!"

"What's it look like, you moron?!" Grant asked, rolling up Buddy's sleaves. "We're saving you."

"You call knocking me out, tieing my wrists, and **** me 'saving' me?!"

"Hey! You were being seduced by The Devil!" Grant argued, "We're the good guys here!"

"Really? Because it sounds to me like you two are the bad guys!"

"Will you two shut up!" Roxie spat, looking up into the rearview mirror at Kyle. "Trust us, Pal. You'll thank us for this later!"