Rina POV: Crushing

Man, what was up? I’d felt pretty okay when I was leaving Em’s place, but since then I’ve been feeling more and more like crap. An unease built in my gut with every step…did my leftovers go bad, or…?

I sighed and buried my head in my hands for what must have been the dozenth time.

Who was I kidding? I knew exactly what was up…

Okay, maybe I had a bit of a crush on Em…so? I knew that coming into this, why did that suddenly matter? Things weren’t any different now. They weren’t. Em was just, maybe…probably…absolutely gonna be more physically involved than I thought, that’s all. No big deal!

Sure, at the time I was under the impression that it was just gonna be Nia and I boning; and sure, these two weeks had been the best sex of my life…and yeah, sure, just remembering Em kissing me while I came inside Nia made fireworks go off in my brain…

…

Fine, had things gone in a direction I wasn’t expecting? Yup, definitely couldn’t deny that… But It’s not like this turn of events really, fundamentally changed anything…right? Liar.

I was still the same as before. It’s not like knowing the play would turn out this way would’ve changed my answer. Definitely not. It should. Yeah, maybe that’s because I was secretly hoping it would go in this direction, but what about it? You’re so greedy. They didn’t need to know that. Did feeling that way make me such a bad person? Yep, it did.

The wave of nausea that had been steadily building up finally hit me, coming down like a ton of bricks and threatening to pull me into the undertow. I steadied myself on the wall of my apartment complex as my vision swam.

C’mon, get a hold of yourself Rina. Don’t think about it, just ignore it. You’re almost home. You need to pull it together. You have work today, and you know what's going to happen if you get fired… You could mope about this later.

Mope? What gives you the right to feel bad for yourself? You pine after your best friend, you lie to him and his girlfriend — who’s also supposed to be your friend, by the way — and fuck her instead? Like some kind of consolation prize? You’re not acting like a real friend, you’re just using them; tricking them.

It…it wasn’t like that… It’s just an unrequited crush, it didn’t matter. Lots of people had them. I wasn’t weird, and I wasn’t planning to say anything about it. What they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them. I’d just keep it to myself. I do that with stuff all the time, everybody does. What’s one more thing to put a lid on?

Was it really just one more thing?

Memories of our previous aftercare sessions flooded my mind. Em and Nia telling me that it was okay to open up. The comfort of having people who actually wanted to hear my opinions. Em rubbing my back. Nia smoothing over my awkwardness. Our group hugs. The warmth of the shower, the way they both casually worked to diffuse the tension while I just stayed quiet. The way they always talked things out…as a team…

My eyes burned.

A team you aren’t a part of. Why are you pretending? Because you’re lonely? Disgusting. You’re only making due with their bodies. What the fuck is wrong with you? No normal person would do this, not after all your fuck ups. You’re just asking for a repeat of last semester.

Blood roared in my ears.

Fucking…dammit! I should’ve said something while I was over, now I feel like shit! …This…this is why they wanted me to share. I knew that and I still didn’t. I’m so stupid! I should have told them something…at least a little bit…anything…anything to stop this feeling.

You know you couldn’t say anything. You shouldn't. You want to put your baggage on them?

Please, I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. Every fucking day! I’m so tired of it! I want the way I feel when I’m with them. I want the feeling I get…when we kiss…

My heart caught in my throat.

You’re vile. A selfish nymphomaniac. Do you really want to ruin another relationship?

…

…No, of course you don’t…even if you are a perverted freak who’d enjoy it. Keeping your mouth shut was for the best. You’d lose your toys if you didn’t. They’d hate you if they knew what you really are, just like everyone else.

…No! They wouldn’t do that! They’re not like that. They wouldn’t talk to me if they were… I…I know they’re not like that…

“Like that”? Like it’s their fault they’d feel that way? Yeah right, keep coping. It would be a perfectly reasonable response when something like you tries to fuck up their life.

I’m not doing that! They’ve accepted everything about me. They’re okay with Em’s fetishes, why not mine? Even Nia’s getting into it! The way she acted today…we all overlap! Even some of the porn -

Didn’t Nia tell you to know your place? These two weeks have really gone to your head. How conceited can you get? You are nothing like him…like them. They talk to each other, you play it off…you pretend and try to laugh it away. The dynamics are different, it would never be the same.

No! It could be! We're meshing well! They said they wanted me to be honest with them, and I’m working on it!

No, you aren’t. You don’t mean it, and neither do they. That’s something people say to be polite. They're using you, just like you’re using them. You’re something they tolerate for their kinks, an annoying stepping stone for their relationship; just like with Rosa and Mich. All you are is another dildo for them.

NO! NO NO NO! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THEY AREN’T LIKE THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES!

…!

A loud clatter jerked me back to reality…my water bottle hit the floor?

I looked around, confused. I found myself face down on the couch, all my coaching supplies scattered around the room…guess I made it inside at some point...? Wait…

Oh shit! Panic suddenly gripped me as I stumbled around the dark living room. Where was my phone!? What time was it!?

I dug through my stuff until I found my cell, buried beneath my coaching gear and this morning’s workout clothes. Oh…oh thank god, it was only eleven-thirty. There was still some time before I had to get dressed and head to work.

I fell back onto the couch and scrolled through my phone, trying to calm down. A few new messages and a voicemail caught my attention. That was good, those would distract me.

I pulled up the voicemail first. It was from Ross, my senior coach at Nesbin’s elementary. Thankfully there wasn’t anything too important. He just needed to let me know about a change in schedule, as well as who I was doing one on one work with today.

As he droned on in his bored monotone, a couple of kids in the back heard him talking to me and called out, asking if I was coming in today. He tried to ignore their pestering, but, after they started trying to talk over him, he quickly buckled. A chorus of clumsy greetings filtered through the receiver before leaving Ross to finish, it wasn’t anything grandiose; still, my heart seized all the same.

I let myself smile a little as I looked up at the ceiling. What I wouldn’t give to be as straightforward as those kids…

…Why couldn’t I be like them? The only thing stopping me was…me.

I felt my teeth grit and a fire burn inside me.

I needed to do better. If I kept acting so pathetic, I really was going to make everyone hate me. I wouldn’t live like that again…I couldn’t.

I stood up with my newfound vigor, turning on the lights and cleaning up all the crap I’d scattered on my way in. I opened my blackout curtains and let the blinding midday light burn away the darkness.

I was going to do it! I was going to come clean, I was going to talk to Em and Nia about this! They’d understand! I knew they would! I was going to change myself for the better! I wasn’t going to live like this anymore!

I sat down and looked at my phone, opened up our texting app, and then…!

The messages I’d seen earlier were from our group chat. It was Nia and Em, saying how much fun they’d had. How much they were looking forward to seeing me tomorrow, that they were “so excited for next weekend”...

I stared blankly at the screen, heat draining from my limbs.

Hold on…now that I think about it… What would I even say…? I had to think of that first, right? That isn’t something you just bring up out of the blue. I’d hurt more than I’d help if I was hasty. I had to wait a bit, for their sake too.

…

Actually, maybe…maybe it wasn’t the right time to tell them about this… I didn’t have to do that yet. I would, but later. When we were all a little closer. Right now, I just…had to pull my head out of my ass, otherwise we couldn’t be on the same team. I just needed to be more generally honest, to communicate like they do. I’d make it work. I didn’t need to say everything to do that.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, covering my mouth with a trembling hand as I tried to keep it down. I looked away from my phone, ashamed.

…What was I thinking…? I almost made a huge mistake. I wasn’t going to ruin things this time. I’d think about it, decide what I want to say, then…I’ll get the rest figured out later. I didn’t need a rigid plan, this wasn’t on a time limit. It was fine.

…What a joke.