Riley, uptight girlfriend - The Fleshlight Curse

"Over here, Erika!" I waved from my seat in the modest cafe. I had been cleaning my glasses when she came in, and didn't notice her till they were back on.

"HEYYYY, Sexy!" my BFF cried, pulling me into a hug, "Wow, look at you, someone's getting it on the regular, now that they're all moved in."

"Oh my God, there are people here, shut up!"

It was Wednesday, and Erika and I had a longstanding tradition of meeting up for lunch to talk work drama. This had evolved since community college and had even persisted since I had started temping and Erika had switched to hairdressing. The tradition really took off during lockdown in which we'd Zoom for lunch almost every other day, but Wednesdays especially. So much so, that it became a sacred part of our week, never to be interfered with by things as small and insignificant as work commitments or boyfriends--the latter of which was Erika's fixation at present.

"Sooo how was the move? Did you find any skeletons in Jasper's closets?" Erika said as she removed her COVID mask and settled into the booth.

"Uhh, don't get me started, " I said, unmasking similarly, "I really like your new hairdo by the way."

"Thank you! I've been dying to try a perm, but was worried it would look too 'out there'." Erika's new hair was dark blonde and curly like a poodle's, coming down to a neat wave just below her shoulders. "Not too 80s, I hope?"

"Not at all," I reassured, "you look quite stylish."

"Well thank you," she bowed in her seat, "and may I say whoever does your hair is doing an excellent job, as well. Compliments to the chef."

She made a chef's kiss, and I sucked in a laugh before giving my raven tresses a coquettish flourish. "Why, I'll have to pass along those compliments then to my stylist. She's very needy, you know." My hairdresser and I giggled. My elegant black locks were something of my pride and joy, so it really was a testament to how far our relationship had come that I let her style my hair at all. Too many inexperienced barbers from my childhood had really broken my trust in anyone handling my hair that I did not know.

At this point however, our waiter came by to take our order. We sent him away with our usuals, before returning to chatting, making jokes, and checking calendars so our hang outs for the next month were all tightly scheduled. Inevitably though, Erika drifted back to the move.

"Sooo, while you were redecorating, did you make our favorite Geek throw anything out?" she taunted, playing with the sugar packets. I sighed. There were a few items that were points of contention between Jasper and I. We had been dating for a year and a half, so it wasn't like we hadn't disagreed before, but talking about it would embarrass Jasper. Probably best not to poke that wound while it was still fresh. But then again it was just Erika...

"Mmm, he had this poster of Annette Michaels tucked away in his closet!"

"Annette who? Wait, is that the leather chick with the huge--" Erika pantomimed two large breasts a distance of 4 inches off her perky chest.

"--from the CyberAce franchises, yeah," I interrupted, "and your miming's not far off. The size and shape of her globes have been indelibly burned into my retinas.

"Jesus, some softcore shoot or something?"

"Yeah, costarring a very 'tastefully' placed ball python."

"Ewww," Erika shivered, "was Jasper upset with you throwing it out?"

"Oh no, that one he was cool with," I said taking a sip from my tea, "it was his warlock paraphernalia that was like pulling teeth."

Erika choked on an ice cube. "His what?"

"His warlock stuff." I paused, but Erika looked at me blankly. "We have to have talked about this," I said confused, but Erika just shook her head. "No? Oh my God, where do I begin? My sports-loving and really altogether mentally stable boyfriend...had a warlock phase growing up."

"Like witches and warlocks?" My blonde friend chortled.

"Yeah, like Halloween, Black Sabbath, pentagrams, meet up at night and kill a goat warlocks!"

"He killed a goat?!"

"Okay no, Jasper would never kill a goat. But he did like everything but! He tells these stories of like waiting for stars to align and performing these pagan rituals to commune with spirits and shit. Like really creepy stuff."

"That's insane," my hairdresser flashed her teeth with glee. "Did any of it actually work?"

"No way," I laughed, "and that's not just me saying it. Jasper even says nothing ever happened when he tried to perform spells."

"Well I mean, are you sure?" Erika countered ironically, "let's be real, he makes more money than the two of us combined, and he even got you to move in with him, let's not rule out the supernatural."

"That's cause he owns a solar panel startup, not because he made a deal with the devil! And what do you mean 'got me to move in with him'."

My arguing had gotten Erika giggling again, but she responded quickly, "Come on Riley, a blind man could tell Jasper is dating above his weight class. You almost caused a car crash when you came over to my house to jump on the trampoline."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said, coyly folding my arms under my natural D cups. "That's right, mine are real, Annette Michaels," I bragged as Erika hooted.

"Regardless, he got bored with it and moved on, but was still got super pissed with me when I told him to throw it all out. You know, a box of stuff that, by his own admission, does not do anything! Like I'm the bad guy here, when the only reason he had for keeping it was a quote: 'bad feeling'."

"Lordey, that's too funny, what'd you do?"

"Told him not to take that tone with me and quit being so superstitious." Our food had arrived, and I started to dig in, but Erika had more questions.

"What kind of stuff was in there?"

"I don't know, green potions and rune drawings, who cares, it's in our trash bin now." I answered between bites, "besides that wasn't the worst of it."

"There was something worse than your boyfriend's Satanic Hogwarts cosplay?"

"Mhmm," I nodded, "but I really shouldn't say."

"Come on, Riley, you can't stop now," Erika admonished, and against my better judgement, I leaned in close, keeping my voice low.

"Under his bed, he had a...sex toy," I whispered.

"What, like a vibrator? Kinky," Erika chuckled.

"No, like a...pocket pussy," my cheeks blushed an increasingly socially-conscious pink, as I looked around to make sure no one was listening.

"Oooooh," my friend replied, "like a fleshlight? Derek had one of those. I think. Never saw it." Derek was her loser ex, and frankly that detail was the least surprising thing we had talked about today. "Gross finding it," she continued, "but that's not so bad. What's wrong with Jasper have a fleshli--"

"How's everyone enjoying their food?" Our waiter came by, halting our conversation in its tracks. We nodded curtly and sent him on his way, praying he hadn't heard too much of our conversation.

"But like, don't you have toys?" Erika asked once he had gone.

"Yeah but they don't look like anything," I said, still quiet after our near miss, "Like I didn't know what it was, so I unscrewed the top, and it was just...so anatomical."

The curly-haired girl look at me teasingly, "like a vagina?"

"Eeeee," I shushed her trying to make sure no one else heard before nodding, "yes."

Erika smiled at me sweetly, "Oh dear, what'd you do? What'd he say?"

Sighing I answered, "I asked him what it was, and when he explained, I told him I didn't want it in the house, but he was still pretty incensed about the warlock junk, so he started shouting that 'it was just for when I wasn't around'. Well I yelled back that 'if he wanted me around none of the time, that could be arranged'. So he stormed off, and I unpacked a few more boxes, but I don't know, he seemed pretty upset, so I went and apologized, but now I'm living in a house with the knowledge there's a cupboard in the bathroom I must never open."

"Aww Riles, I'm so sorry," said Erika reaching out a hand, "you shouldn't have to deal with that."

"But you said it was like my 'toys'," I frowned confused, "aren't I being crazy, it's normal for him to have it."

"I mean, yes, but not if it makes you uncomfortable. For the sake of your relationship you should talk about it, you know. If that's deal breaker for you, Jasper should have mentioned it sooner and not left it for you to find under his bed," Erika coaxed. "Beside you're way out of his league, he should know better than to jeopardize that."

"Hahaha," I laughed in spite of myself. "Stop saying that about Jasper. I genuinely think my boyfriend's cute."

"I know you do, honey," Erika chided, "but you can put your foot down, too. To keep your relationship healthy there needs to be give and take, and if Jasper's smart he should realize he won't be missing that fleshlight now that the two of you are moved in together."

I almost snorted, but she made me feel better. "I guess you're right. I just needed to vent, at least so we don't have another fight. I'll be sure and tell him how I feeling tonight. Thank you Erika."

"Of course, what else are Wednesday lunch breaks for?" And so saying she raised up her glass in a toast.

We clinked and I smiled. I'd make sure Jasper knew how I was feeling tonight.