Ramya: a surprise pregnancy sets me free

I worry my liberal oral sex policy would quickly morph into a new habit of me spreading my legs for anyone after the seal pops, but that doesn't happen. I don't even date for a while, just focusing on my job and reliving in my mind the perfect night. Any date would be such a let down after Reiker anyway, so I need some time to pass.

Zero regrets after Reiker deflowers me... at least at first.

About a month and a half in, I notice the changes. My periods come and go a little erratically due to my athleticism, so I don't notice I'm late until I started feeling a little off. Nausea creeps in for no reason. I check the app I use to track my cycle, and I'm horrified. In the heat of the moment with Reiker, I did the mental math wrong. I was very fertile when he was raw inside me. I take three pregnancy tests, and they all confirm that I am completely and totally fucked, and my life is over. If I thought losing my virginity makes it harder to find an arranged marriage, being a single mom is like a thousand gigantic nails in the coffin at once.

My father is a wreck when I tell him. He asks me to end the pregnancy. My mom is more supportive, but I can tell she's just as disappointed. But for me, the choice is simple. It's a blessing that came at the wrong time. I cannot end the life growing inside me.

My parents stop shopping for a husband. People gradually find out, and the awkwardness, gossip, and Indian whispers are too much. It helps I am almost a two-hour drive from home, and I just stop coming back. Work doesn't change much. The executive team can do the math and remember Vegas, so they know who the daddy is. Working at an American company really helps here, but it's still awkward. We just don't talk about it.

My son is born healthy, and I give him an English first and middle name, and my last name of Venkatesan. I never occurs to me to tell Reiker. It's not his fault, and it wouldn't be fair to obligate him. My son looks just like him. He even has blonde hair! You have to really look close to see any Indian genes at all.

Years go by, and I switch firms after a couple years and continue as a successful executive, still young for the position. After a complete hiatus from men for a few years, I go on a few dates, but nothing clicks. I haven't even given a blow job since before I was deflowered.

When my son starts kindergarten, I am 29 years old. I make a decision that will drastically alter the course of my life. I submit my son's DNA to be tested, curious since I don't know much about Reiker. The results come back showing he did get mostly German ancestry from Reiker, and there are no genetic disease risks I need to know about. But I leave on the "DNA relatives" feature. I should have known the privacy risk given my job is helping my company prevent this kind of mistake. Or maybe deep down, I didn't care.

Sure enough, the very first of the automated emails that lists my son's DNA relatives makes my heart skip a beat. It's the very first entry before a slew of Indian and German distant cousins.

Reiker Schmidt.

Father.

Holy shit. Reiker used the same DNA company.

Somewhere across the pond, Reiker is getting a similar email. If he actually reads them, he will get the biggest shock of his life.

I resist the urge to change the privacy settings. If he sees the email but then can't learn more, that would be cruel.

Two and a half months go by, and I think I'm in the clear. Then one Saturday morning I'm sitting on my front porch (I finally moved out of that shitty one-bedroom apartment and bought a house) watching my son play in the front yard when a sedan slows then stops by the curb. I can see him through the windshield, and my pulse skyrockets. His door opens, and the tall German gets out. I see a few gray hairs around his ears, but the age seems to have made him even more handsome. He's stayed fit, and he's dressed well for this surprise meetup. I stand, eyes wide, and my coffee mug falls and shatters.

I never thought about what I would do if he just shows up. I am completely unprepared.

His eyes fall to my son who almost hits him riding by on his bike on the sidewalk. I see the smile flash on his face for half a second, a natural reaction he lets slip, before he can fight it off and look back up at me with a neutral expression.

I walk off the the porch, and that turns into a run in my yard, and when I get to him, I throw myself into his arms and hug him hard. He waits a few seconds, then his arms wrap me up. I won't let go. not this time. Tears well up, he hears my emotions, and chuckles softly. "Ramya, you're not making this easy. I'm angry with you and had a whole speech prepared."

My grip on his waist tightens. He indulges me, and I get a couple minutes to pull myself together before pulling back finally.

"Mommy who's this?" comes the inquisitive mind of an innocent five-year-old.

Reiker and I both look at him. It would probably be a good idea to make something up now to stall, then come up with a plan jointly as parents for how to break the news.

"This is your father," I say, looking back at Reiker. "Mr. Reiker Schmidt."

"Wow!" he says. "Hello."

Reiker is surprised at my blunt admission, then greets his son. They talk for a minute, then the young version of him gets bored and goes back to his bike. We both smile softly, and now Reiker's eyes are red, too.

"You should have told me."

"I couldn't do that to you. You live in Germany, and you had your... lifestyle. It's not fair to you. It was my fault."

He looks incredulous. "Ramya, how was it your fault?"

"I had my cycle dates wrong in my mind. It was a risky time. You offered protection."

"But I pulled out. Obviously one got away from me somehow. We both did this. I've been thinking you were... ashamed of me, of how we met."

Somehow I never considered this. "No! I swear to you. I swear to God, Reiker, the day I left Vegas my heart broke. I'd have given anything to have you in my life after just one night together. But I just thought it wasn't fair to you."

He shakes his head. "I've lost five years."

I see kindness in his eyes at least as thinks about what a horrible person I have been. My throat tightens. "I lost them too," I whisper. "Every time he laughed, or said 'mama,' or asked why he didn't have a daddy like the other kids… I felt you missing. I told myself it was better this way, but it never stopped hurting." My sincerity seems to hurt Reiker more.

"I could have been there for him. I could have been there for you. Ramya, it must have been horrible with your parents, with your culture and community."

"It was. I'm an incredible disappointment and an embarrassment," I admit. Then I manage a smile and glance at our son. "But we have an amazing son. I could talk about him for hours. I wouldn't change a thing. Other than, maybe telling you sooner. "

"Yeah," he scoffs.

Reiker pulls me in for another hug that lasts a full minute. I start to think maybe everything will be okay. I notice his crotch against mine and the swelling I'm causing in him. Five years of nothing, and my own body answers instantly: a deep, forgotten throb between my legs, my nipples tightening against his chest. I don't move away. I just breathe him in, letting the old hunger wake up quietly, like it's been waiting for this exact moment.

"I followed your career. You've done well," he says. I nod as he pulls back to look at me again. "Probably not a lot of time for dating, you being a corporate executive and a single mom."

I grab his left hand, verify he doesn't have a ring, something I failed to think to check right away. "Hardly any dating at all. I'm very single. Gosh, I haven't even been laid in ages. It's probably been over five years now."

He raises a brow, genuinely surprised. "Are you serious?"

I nod. "It's only been you." He's moved, I can tell. "It's sadly pathetic, I know. But what about you? Are you still the best man-whore in Vegas, swooping in once or twice a year to deflower **** virgins with money to burn?"

There it is. Reiker laughs, smiles. He's letting me in.

"I gave that up a few years ago. My day job is going well, and it was time to move on from that." Then his look turns serious, and he glances at our son. "I want to be in my son's life."

I fight off fresh tears. "I will support you in any way I can. Reiker, I don't need money. Just tell me how you think it will work. You're in Germany, so it might be hard."

"Actually, I changed jobs recently. I'm on a work Visa. I've always wanted to move to the U.S.. Ramya, I work ten minutes down the road. I have a great job and am not going anywhere."

"Holy shit," I breathe.

He cups my chin, his gaze piercing. "Hey. I've got my own place. I signed a six-month lease. I'm not pressuring you. I'll take whatever time I can have with him, we can start slow."

I smile as I think of this wonderful man coming by to see our son. I want more, I'm just scared to say it.

"You're behind updating your LinkedIn," I joke.

"Well, I was hoping you were stalking me. I thought you'd appreciate being ambushed."

"This is a very happy day," I admit.

Just tell him how you feel.

"What does the 'R' stand for?" he asks.

I stare blankly for a second, then realize he's asking for my son's middle name. Only the initial was on his profile on the DNA website. I grin softly. "You know what it stands for."

"Good choice, a strong name. I don't want just come here sporadically and take him. I want to be with you both. I want to continue to get to know you, I want to be your boyfriend and see where it goes. If you're interested and willing to take that risk. Like I said, I have my own place, so... Ramya, say something."

My voice cracks as five years of anguish and regret crash out. "I think I'm mad now that I lost five years... with you. When you were, you know... inside me," I grin at the memory, whispering even though nobody can hear. "I just had this feeling that we were right for each other, that we would be together."

"You didn't say anything."

"Because I was a silly, stupid virgin! You were just doing your job as an escort. Very well."

"No. I felt it to," he says.

"You did?" After his reassuring nod, I say, "Then spend the afternoon with us. Watch him play, then stay for dinner. Stay for as long as you want," I add, softer this time.

The same cross necklace he wore in Vegas catches the sunlight between us, glinting like a quiet promise.