Pros and Cons

It took me a few days to process everything. It helped that things operated as normal. Colin was still his goofy self. We went to class. Had dinner together. Enjoyed time together even if we were focused on whatever individual thing. Colin still enjoyed getting me off at night, either through ‘his’ toys or taking a hands-on approach.

The normalcy helped me focus on putting my emotions and thoughts in order. I never felt like I had to tiptoe around the subject or worry anything had changed between us.

Sitting alone in my office, I had a pen and notepad in front of me. It was split down the center, one side labeled Pro and the other Con. I’d been staring at the otherwise empty page for the past half hour. This was ridiculous. Was I seriously going to debate the pros and cons of sleeping with another guy?

Removing the poor pen I’d been chewing on, I clicked it and set it to paper.

Yes.

Yes I was.

Pulling back from my emotions, I did my best to keep this as objective as possible.

Ruin relationship.

That was under Con. Right there, that should put a stop to it on its own. My relationship with Colin was everything and I wouldn’t risk ruining it.

I made little dashes under it.

-Colin sees me differently

-Feelings (mine)

I crossed out the second one, confident that would never be an issue.

I moved on.

Don’t want to sleep with other guys

Another Con. It was true. I didn’t really have an interest in other guys. Yeah, there were attractive guys out there, but Colin was too. Really good looking. Enough that thinking on it made me realize that my relationship with him in high school had likely cockblocked him the entire time. I basically claimed him as mine, while simultaneously never making a move on him.

Great. As if I didn’t feel bad enough.

More sex

The first Pro. A heavy sigh left me. Seeing it in writing brought the familiar feeling of guilt settle in my gut. No avoiding it, I enjoyed sex. A lot. Enough that I wondered if maybe I liked it too much.

Enough that I would get it from another guy?

I stared at the single line.

…

…

With an angry growl, I ripped the page from the pad. Crumpling it, I launched it at the trash—missing completely.

The pen was also a victim, hitting my monitor as my elbows thumped heavily against the desk. Head resting against my hands, I pressed them against my temple as I focused on breathing.

This wasn’t working.

Staring at my blank monitor, I soon found myself online. Not really knowing what to focus on, I simply searched the pros and cons of an open relationship.

The first one that caught my attention was, ‘Meeting sexual needs.’ My love life with Colin was fine, but reading this made me consider the difference between sexual needs and intimate needs. The reason why I was so happy now was the latter was more than taken care of.

Fuck. There it was again. Sex, sex, sex. It’s like it was all I could think about. Not all the time, but when it came up it was hard to move on from.

‘Create deeper bond’

That was an odd one, but I guess it made sense. Colin and I were close, but him sharing his fantasy with me… I guess I realized there is still a lot I don’t know about him. Maybe there are things I don’t even know about myself.

‘It’s fun’

…

Maybe… Maybe I should come back to that.

The Cons were all what I expected. Jealousy, fear, stress… Surprisingly, I found myself disagreeing with some of them, mentally discarding them as something I didn’t need to worry about. Like juggling priorities. Colin would always be my priority, and that would never change.

The longer I focused on the Cons, the more solutions I found myself making.

Solutions, or was I just making excuses for why it did not matter.

Jealousy? I had a feeling that wouldn’t be an issue. Colin seemed pretty sure of this. That he was so pushy showed how much it meant to him. And this wasn’t a completely open relationship. It wasn’t like he was going to be going out with other women. Then again, would I be okay with that? Me getting a free pass to be with another guy and turning around and denying him if he ever asked. My feelings of him and another woman...

Shit, I figuring out this was hard enough without going down that path.

Stress? Yeah, feeling that one. The idea of getting something wrong. Messing something up. Spending time looking at the web, wading through sites debating if I was seriously considering fucking some random guy—

I closed the browser and rubbed my temples again.

What do I do?

What did I want?

‘It’s fun’

My stomach did a little twirl as the thought fluttered through my mind.

Sex was fun. I really enjoyed it.

A knock at the door brought me out of my funk.

“You look miserable,” Colin said, bringing me a cup of coffee.

Smiling, I thanked him before taking a sip. Just what I needed.

“You’re to blame.”

“Oh? What did I do this time?”

“Been weighing the pros and cons of fucking another guy,” I said with casual bluntness.

I glared at him, suffering a sudden shower of coffee as he spit a mouthful all over me.

“S-sorry,” he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. I said nothing, watching him squirm in place. “A-and?”

“I don’t know,” I said, looking away as I grabbed a wad of old napkins to pat myself off. “Logically, it’s not worth the risk.” I glanced over to see his sad puppy-dog expression and almost immediately clawed back my statement.

“But?” There was a hopeful tone in that word. Almost funny how badly he seemed to want this; to see him so earnest trying to convince me to sleep with another man tugged at something in me. Figuring out if it had to do with me and another guy or just sex in general was the question.

Honesty. I need to be honest.

“It sounds like fun.” He looked shocked, jaw dropping a bit. I immediately felt my face heat. Don’t look at me like that! “What?” I snapped, immediately feeling the urge to defend myself. “I like sex, okay? Not really keen on it being with another guy, but…” I sighed. “I really like sex,” I muttered.

He was grinning. “So that a yes?”

“No. Agh! I don’t know!” I cried out, throwing my hands up in frustration.

Chest rising and falling rapidly, I looked over at him.

Damn his grin. He was enjoying this! Well, if wanted this so damn badly…

I looked away.

“…Yes.”

I felt his lips against my cheek.

“Love you.”

Cheeks red, I glanced over at him.

“Love you too.”