My Name is My Name

"John? Earth to John?"

"Oh, uh, sorry. Guess I zoned out again," Sean said, forcing a smile onto his face.

"Are you coming with us?" Ramsey asked again, looking back over across the pond to where Whitney and a very impatient Owen waited at the start of the short path.

"Uh, no. I'm going to head back the other way. I...need to talk to my mom."

"Okay, see ya back at the cabin," his crush said with a wave. Walking toward her friend, Ramsey called back over her shoulder, "Looking forward to our talk about authors, Tarver. I hope you know some good ones that I've never read."

"Yeah, me too," Sean responded as he felt his stomach drop. But he put on a brave face and began to gather up his bag.

"Well?" Whitney called out to her close friend as she neared them.

"He said he needs to talk to his mom," Ramsey informed her.

"Oh, that's great," Whitney mumbled before shouting across the pond at Sean. "Would have been nice to have known that five minutes ago, buster!"

Moving on autopilot, Sean acknowledged her comment with a wave of his hand, making his way toward the longer path. Glancing back several times to check if they had disappeared yet, he stopped when they had and moved back toward the area where the sleds had sat earlier. At a loss over what just happened, Sean stumbled over to the fallen log, barely able to sit down.

John? John! She thinks my name is John! How...how could this happen? Placing his head into his hands, Sean hunched over, his mind searching for any signs he had missed. Sure, she wasn't the first person to make the Sean/John mistake. However, most of those other times happened when he was little, and older people that didn't really matter made the screwup. I can get her not remembering me from those couple of birthday parties that Lacey had when we were little. That's before we drifted apart. People sometimes seemed to mishear my name more back then, but we spent almost five days at the old Diamond cabin five years ago. Five days! Sure, we might not have talked much at all. I spent most of it in awe of her, but we interacted a little, at least.

And for the last two-plus years, we've gone to the same damn high school. Dammit, we even had classes together! Sean paused to remember those once wonderful, fleeting moments when their paths crossed in a class. We had Algebra and Geography together back in tenth grade. Granted, Geography was only for one semester, and in both classes, we sat on opposite sides of the room. Then last year we had Chemistry, and I guess Tanner insists on calling his students by their last name, so it was Mr. Tarver, but still! We even have Gym together this year. She even knows Peyton and my mom from being at the Stratton house! I mean..."What the fuck!"

Sean jumped up, turned around, and began kicking the log with his right foot out of a combination of frustration, anger, and disbelief. Over and over, he kicked the dead tree. Only stopping when he became winded and his foot became sore. Dropping back down again to sit, he stared unfocused at the setting he not long ago thought was magical.

"I'm a loser. I'm a fucking LOSER!" he screamed for any animal nearby to hear. "I'm a nobody, just like I told Lacey. I'm too insignificant for Ramsey even to bother to learn my first name. That's what happened here."

Springing back up, the distraught teenager began to pace — all the while blaming himself more and more for Ramsey's lack of knowing his correct name.

Maybe if I had made something of myself around school, Ramsey would have bothered to learn who I am. I should have been on the basketball team! But I have the worst damn luck. Getting the flu right before tryouts and then having Coach Grimm dislike me for some reason. Lacey can claim that people like me all she wants, but what good did that do me when it came to Rammy!

For five years, I've liked her. "Five damn years!" And for what? I put my life on hold for the dream of being with her. I put other girls--"Oh, my gawd! Beyza! I ruined a good thing, maybe a great relationship with her over this fucking crush."

Overcome with his self-anger and self-loathing, Sean crumpled to the ground. His memories of the good times he had with Beyza Baris, his first girlfriend, flashing in and out of his head. Beyza had been his first in many things, but she lost out to an idealized, dream girl that he now discovered didn't exist quite as he imagined. Consumed with his memories and regrets, he didn't realize at first that his face felt colder because tears streamed down it. Eventually, Sean's brain caught up to his body, realizing that he had been crying. But for how long, he didn't know.

"I need to go," he told himself, although he didn't know where. Wiping away his tears, the miserable teenager stumbled back to his feet. He moved over to grab his bag. Then, Sean walked across the pond toward the shorter path for a reason he couldn't explain later. This even though the last thing he wanted was to get back to the cabin anytime soon.

Mr. Diamond sure was right about this trail being more uneven, Sean said to himself as he nearly tripped over the third tree root in less than five minutes. In his gloomy state of mind, he hardly noticed the more abundant tree branches that hit his body and face as he pushed past. What am I going to do?

Reaching the end of the small animal trail, he found a narrow man-made path. Not knowing which way to turn, he studied the ground, finding the footprints of his friends and classmates in the snow. Oh, I probably should have taken the other trail since I've been down it before. However, Sean knew he couldn't risk going that way. If he managed to catch up to the others, Peyton or his mom would notice immediately that something was the matter. And Sean wasn't anywhere close to ready for talking about this humiliating discovery.

Following the snowy footprints, Sean tried to focus on anything but the name John, but it proved far too difficult. What am I going to do? It's bound to come out, and I can just hear everyone's reactions. Austin's going to be gloating over this for the rest of our lives. JoJo will give me that sad look of hers, the one she already gives me whenever I've chickened out from approaching Ramsey. Newt will just shrug and say he told me not to chase girls. And..."Oh, fuck! Lacey's going to be devastated. She's put a lot of effort into this the last few days. Hell, she might have even fought her sister over the plan. I just don't know!"

I should just hurry back to the cabin, get in my car, and go hide out at home. That's what I should do, but I can't because I didn't drive here. Dammit, I should have never let myself get talked into coming here in Owen's car. It's not like I can take Mom's car and leave.

Coming around a bend, Sean found that this narrower path merged into a broader, more heavily traveled trail. There were footprints everywhere in the snow, also several different marks that looked to be from cross country skiers, maybe even the park rangers. Interestingly, there was another small trail that branched off about twenty yards down the path. Sean stopped for he saw some fresh footprints walk off in that direction. Maybe this is part of the shortcut that Whitney mentioned? What the hell.

Taking the possible shortcut, Sean continued his inner debate. Even if I found a way to leave the cabin, there's still New Year's Eve. I can't bail on that. It wouldn't be right to let my own problems cause me to miss out on honoring Aunt Cassie and her new charity. It would be rude to Finn and hurtful to Mom. So even if I avoid the embarrassment of being John at the cabin, I couldn't avoid it at the ball. There's going to be even more kids from school at it.

As the trail started to elevate, Sean began to wonder if he made a mistake in choosing it. Higher and higher it went. Wait, aren't there some cliffs on a section of the lake? That sounds familiar. There's even a place called Lookout Point. Is this heading toward that?

Coming around a bend, Sean stopped as a fork in the road appeared. Off to the left, the path appeared to continue to climb. To the right side, the way seemed to stay level. Studying the ground, he found the footprints that led him down this trail. They headed off to the left and higher ground. The other route featured unblemished snow.

Great, which way do I go?