Masturbate

Shakespeare undid his breeches and removed his fully-erect cock, standing at 10 inches. He began to work his hand back and forth, thinking of the Christ figure, so lean and hairy and sweaty and strong and...

A knock came on the door.

"THIS IS THE ECUMENICAL POLICE. YOU HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH FANTASIZING TO THOUGHTS OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR."

Zounds! Shakespeare thought. How could they have found me so quickly? Then, he remembered signing up for the mind-monitoring program the Queen had established. That was a poor idea.

Wasting no time at all, Shakespeare lunged out the window. He rolled down the awning, down onto the streets of Avon.