Researching

I flicked through the binder, picking out a selection of books to get started on. In the back of my mind, I was still thinking about how unusual an organizational system this was; with nearly every college library using online resources now, yet somehow my college was using individual binders positioned randomly on bookshelves. It had to be intentional in some way. Perhaps it was all a scheme to make navigating the library more difficult and so increase the importance of the librarians, or perhaps it was all some kind of elaborate practical joke to ensnare people with bad direction.

Pushing these thoughts aside, I got the books I needed, before putting a few hours into them. Studying was always a horrible thought, but I found once I got absorbed into the material it became a peaceful and almost enjoyable activity. I just hoped that I didn’t need the toilet anytime soon; Finding it, and finding my way back in the chaotic maze of this library honestly scared me.

The books I had taken out were interesting, and were exactly the kind of books I would expect a university library to carry. Cross checked and peer reviewed, they dissected the human experience into a cold science, and pieced the stories and legends of the Navajo from the rich oral tradition they’d originally been presented in, into a sterile examination fit for the ivory tower. That wasn’t to say it wasn’t interesting, as it undoubtedly was, but some of the conclusions drawn by the researchers seemed to be missing a lot of the point. I especially thought that now, knowing that at least part of this legend had to have been based on the same type of monster I was now becoming.

Ultimately though, I didn’t feel as though I’d learnt anything overly important to my situation. The cultural context was interesting, but there just hadn’t been anything in the books I’d read that had really given me a sense I was better prepared for what might happen to me tomorrow, or the day after that.

“But what would the books on the other side of the silver door show me?”

The idea twisted around my brain. My eyes roved over its shiny surface in the corner, the thought bouncing around my head and growing as it turned into a tangible desire.

“I could do it… I could get in there. There’s an easy way in”

A door like that had to have a key. And there were people who could get inside. A doctorate student, a professor… a librarian.

My heart was beating fast as the ideas fell into place. She was probably still sorting in one of the areas over the way. This was the far part of the library; dark, and with sound failing to carry more than a few bookshelves away. I swallowed as I thought about what I wanted to do. Before I knew it, I was standing, the spines fully torn out the ends of my fingertips. I hadn’t even felt them stab through my flesh this time. I started walking through the makeshift corridors, keeping my footsteps light as I peeked in. She wasn’t in the next area over.

It had been a few hours of studying, it made sense she wouldn’t still be there. Still, there was a disappointment that was immediately quashed as I thought of where else she could be. I had to keep going, so I kept walking.

She wasn’t in the next clearing either, the disappointment being crushed down even faster. A maddening resolve had strengthened my desire, as my instincts totally guided my intentions. On the third open area over, still along the back wall, I found her.

Her back was to me as she sorted books along that wall. The space was empty other than shadows, dust, books, and the two of us. So far I’d only worn Lisa, who’d been left from me by Candida. Could I really do this? Could I skin someone?