Who says you can't go home again?

I know this bus. I've used it a lot over the years. It's the only connection between home and the centre of town. I'm not sure where I got on or how long I wandered around. I know it's dark now. Everything feels dark now.

It's my stop. Nothing else to do. I either stay in the bus stop or I go home. It's a harder decision than you'd think. I want to hide away. Forget everything.

I reach the front door and let myself in, heading straight to the stairs.

"Scarlet! Where have you been? What have you done to your hair?" My mother's voice booms. Who cares? I keep going up the stairs until my mother follows from the living room. "I am talking to-" She cuts off as her eyes meet mine. I guess my tears are visible. I can't tell anymore. I continue walking until I'm in my room. My bag from last night is on my bed, I guess Rouge brought it back for me.

The door opens behind me, with Rouge revealing herself and jumping right into the obvious question.

"What happened?" She asks softly.

"You were wrong." I answer. I had hope. I shouldn't have. This is her fault too. "She's straight. What happened was a mistake. She somehow knew I was gay and I'm pretty sure she hates me." I unload. Why am I holding back? She never did me any favours. "So it turns out your advice was worth jack shit. Your little plans were meaningless, and in one evening you managed to wreck everything I've wanted for my entire life. So you tell me, little miss perfect. What. The fuck. Happened?" I rage at her. encroaching upon my sister who's face is struck with something she's never shown before. Fear. True terror. What's she got to be afraid of?

"Get out." I conclude. I can't even look her in the eye anymore. She obeys and soon I'm left alone again. Just how I always should have been.

I lock the door and look to my bed. Sleep? The thought flickers through my mind as I think of my nightly ritual. Get changed. Clothes. I'm still wearing her clothes. These fucking rags. I pull them off my body, and throw each piece to the ground. I can't. I collapse to the floor as naked as the day I was born, tears streaming down my face. The smell of the clothes fills the air. Like a light spring breeze.

*

I wake up the next morning in the same spot. The tears haven't stopped, but now I'm freezing. I wander to my dresser and throw on whatever clothes are nearest. I sit on the bed. I don't know what to do. What did I do before I met her? It's only been about a week, right? If that? Why does it feel like there was nothing before that?

I turn to my laptop. I suppose I'd usually watch shitty rom-coms and imagine I'd be so much better in that situation. But that's a wash now. I don't have Hollywood to solve my problems. I don't want to speak to anyone. Trish's gift feels like a cruel mockery right now, don't think I could come if I tried. There's nothing. just an endless loop in my head.

"I'm straight. I don't like women."

I don't care. Leave me alone.

"Last night was drunken stupidity."

Not for me.

"I'm sorry. I just needed to say that to you. Out loud."

What? Because psychically didn't work?

I can't take it. I flip onto all fours and deliver a punch to my pillow.

Who does that?

Punch.

Who leads someone into revealing their feelings just to crush them twice as hard?

Punch.

At least Amanda had the guts to slap me in the face.

Punch.

Who the fuck is she? Just a fucking coward.

I drive my head into the pillow and scream. It doesn't help. No answers come. No clarity. No theories. No closure. Just more pain, more tears, more memories, more punching, more anger. I don't know what loop I'm on now. Feels like I've been doing this for months. Even my eternal torments bends to the call of nature and eventually I make my way to the bathroom, only to find and intruder upon my return.

"Thought you could use some food." Jasper explains, placing a tray with a plate of spaghetti and a bottle of water on my make-up table. "Mum called me. said Rouge wouldn't explain but something had happened to you. Said she'd never seen you look so hurt." He explains, making his way to the edge of my bed and perching on it. "She's worried you're going to do something stupid."

"Well, reassure her, I'm done making stupid decisions, and taking advice from my siblings, so, if you don't mind." I respond, gesturing to the door.

"You're not even going to give me a shot?" He asks, closer to begs.

"No." I answer bluntly. I gesture to the door again and Jasper begins to leave until he reaches the door.

"Thought you should know, Minnie's pregnant. I've asked her to marry me. You're going to be an aunt." Jasper adds, looking to my face. "Sometimes things get hard, but just giving up isn't doing yourself any favours. Sometimes you've got to do things wrong to get them right." He concludes. Right. Thank whoever wrote that in a fortune cookie for me.

"We don't have a dad, Jasper. I never asked for you to act like mine." I reply, closing the door on him and locking it. I look at the clock. 6:00 PM. I really have been in here all day. I eat the food he brought and go back to bed. Back to my loop.

"I'm straight. I don't like women."

"Said she'd never seen you look so hurt."

"Last night was drunken stupidity."

"Sometimes things get hard, but just giving up isn't doing yourself any favours."

"I'm sorry. I just needed to say that to you. Out loud."

"No more solo runs."

Fuck all of you.

"You choose what's right for you."

And like that. My purgatory is over.