Pamela Anderson

“Ok, well let’s start with number one. Show me an image of Pam as she is now”

The pictures faded and were replaced by a dishevelled blonde fast asleep.

“Ugh. That is not what I remember at all.”

“Ok we are going to need some changes, take that away for the moment. Let me think. … Huh.... that’s weird. It’s a little easier to think without a fucking erection. Although I did have plans for that erection. Oh well.”

“Right, let’s make some improvements before we try that again. And let’s not kill any more erections.”

“Show me a few images of Pamela Anderson every year from 1995 to 2005.”

The screen flashed and a hundred or so images appeared. I recognised them a lot from my youth, some of the photoshoots for playboy I probably spent hours looking at.

“I wish that Pamela Anderson seemed to age extremely slowly and that her appearance remained close enough to her prime that she routinely appeared at or near the top of published hot 100 lists right up to the present.

“Granted.”

“That is so strange. I know I just made that happen but I have a weird set of double memories. I remember losing interest in Pamela Anderson as she aged. But I also remember jerking off to her repeatedly for the last ten years.”

“This does not feel good.”

“The human mind is not really designed to hold two sets of memories for the same time period.”

“Well let’s fix that then. I wish that my mind was able to process, understand and track any many different sets of memories as I cause to exist without any hindrance or problem.”

“Granted.”

“Much better, thanks. Now, let’s pair the looks with some better career moves. Show me a list on the screen of 50 films since 2000 that had a role that I would have put Pamela Anderson in. A role where the main job was looking hot.”

A list appeared and I scanned through it.

“Let’s see, I wish that the part of Jinx Johnson in the 2002 Bond film was given to Pamela Anderson rather than Halle Berry.”

“Granted.”

“Wow, I just remembered seeing Die Another Day fourteen times. All to see Pam. Let’s give those memories something to work with. I wish that the Die Another Day featured twice as much camera time for Pamela Anderson and that there were extensive themed photoshoots released alongside the film.”

“Granted.”

“Holy fuck. That is a fucking hot film. No wonder I saw it over 30 times in the cinema. Hell I remember jerking off to it earlier this week. This is so weird.”

“Oh, while we are replacing Halle Berry there let’s make a further change. I wish that Pamela Anderson was cast as Cat Woman in the stand alone Cat Woman film rather than Halle Berry.

“Granted.”

“Huh. Still a complete turkey as I now remember. Let’s change that up. I wish that despite the film being critically panned it made over two hundred million on release largely credited to the huge number of men going to see Pamela Anderson.”

“Granted.”

“We’ll give it a little break on the movie front for a few years after that. I can always come back later. Although you know she would have been fucking hot as the evil one in that Johnny Depp film … there, I wish that Pamela Anderson played the role of Angelique Bouchard in Dark Shadows instead of Eva Green in 2012 and that it was even more successful.”

“Granted.”

“And fuck it, I wish that Pamela Anderson played the role that Eva Green played in the second Sin City movie in 2014. Oh and I wish that the film was again a commercial success largely credited to Pamela Anderson.”

“Granted. Granted.”

“Ok, I think that’s enough films. I think I’ll leave television. Although... was she on some dancing with the stars thing?”

“Yes. Ms Anderson competed on the tenth season of Dancing with the Stars in 2010 and was eliminated in the seventh week. She was also the first elimination from an all-star season in 2012.”

“And who won those years?”

“Nicole Scherzinger won in 2010 and Melissa Rycroft won in 2012.”

Ok. I wish that Pamela Anderson won both seasons she competed in as a result of a massive number of calls from men who wanted to see her dance and as a result of a natural sexy grace that meant she was able to inspire lust in anyone who saw her dance.

“Granted.”

“Actually the lust thing reminds me, I wish that Pamela Anderson’s sex drive has been extremely intense since she became a celebrity.”

“Granted.”

Oooh, that reminds me. I wish that Pamela Anderson’s sex tape with Tommy Lee was twice as long with the camera only capturing explicit material.

“Granted.”

I reviewed my memories and was hard as a rock in an instant as I remembered the sex tape that was still the most searched for celeb sex tape on the internet.

“Woah. I have jerked off to this woman a lot. Out of curiosity, do I jerk off a normal amount?”

“It is in the range of other human experience. However you appear to be to in the 95th percentile in that you have mastrubated at least once a day since you were 13.”

“And at this point how much of that was related to Pamela Anderson?”

“Approximately 45%. Specific percentages are difficult to calculate due to you changing your focus while mastrubating.”

“Out of curiosity can you pull up an image of Pamela Anderson as she is currently.”

This time the scene was very different. The blonde babe was still dishevelled, but this time it was because she was riding some young man’s cock for all she was worth. Her breasts were huge, especially with her tiny waist, bouncing up and down with the movement of her body and her long blonde hair seemed to fall around her face as if it had been styled. Hell, maybe it had been. She was enjoying herself anyway. Hard to tear myself away from that. Should I keep going with my improvements and my list or should I take a quick break to enjoy what I had created?