Aftermath

I was just about to put on my shirt when I saw Kaylee walk past the bathroom. Surprised at how quickly she dressed, I grabbed the remains of my clothes and darted off after her in a panic. She was already at the elevator when I stumbled out into the hallway.

“Kaylee. Kaylee wait,” I said, trying to keep my pants up while holding my shoes. She was pressing the elevator button over and over as if to rush it. The door opened and she stepped inside. I just managed to shove my shoe into the closing door, forcing it to open again. Breathing hard, I walked inside.

Kaylee said nothing, her head pointedly staring at the elevator wall as the door closed again.

Was she mad at me? I know I freaked out there, but it wasn’t like I hit her. Stuffing my shoes under my arm, I reached out to take her hand. “Hey,” I said softly.

She flinched at my touch, pulling away as she folded her arms over her chest. It was clear she had dressed in a hurry. If anyone saw her, there would be no mistaking what she had been up to. She didn’t say anything, not looking at me. Not knowing what to do, I gave her the space she needed. This wasn’t the place to talk about this either.

The elevator stopped on another floor before ours. The female couple had amused looks on their faces as they stepped inside, separating Kaylee and me. The awkward silence didn’t end when they got off at another floor. When we finally arrived, Kaylee shot off. I had to jog to keep up with her which was hard with my pants falling down.

She was the one with the key, and by the time I caught up, I had a burst of adrenaline when it looked like she was going to lock me out. Fortunately, I managed to catch the door before it closed, nearly pinching my fingers in the process.

Slowly coming inside, I waited for the door to shut behind me before walking deeper into the room. Dropping my clothes and shoes next to my suitcase, I found Kaylee sitting on our bed. She had her back to me, staring at the bathroom area.

“Kaylee?” I took a few tentative steps into the bedroom.

“Don’t,” she said weakly. “I need a minute.” I took a few more steps towards her. “Damn it, Scott. I said—”

Her eyes flashed angrily as she looked over at me once I took a seat next to her on the bed. I didn’t say anything, folding my hands against my lap as I looked down. I didn’t know everything she was feeling, but it was clear that I had a sliver of blame in this. I knew what Kaylee was like and it was my job to pump the brakes when she went off in a direction I didn’t want to go. I let her talk me into this knowing it was going to mess with me.

“I’m sorry,” I managed, still staring at my lap.

“Don’t apologize. I’m not angry at you,” she said after a moment of silence. “I’m angry at myself.”

“I should have—”

“Tonight made me realize I’m becoming someone I don’t want to be.” She looked at me, tears in her eyes. “For the longest time, I’ve told myself that I would be different and that I would take a more progressive stance towards dating. Yet looking back, I’m horrified by how I’ve been acting.”

Scooting closer to her, I attempted to grab her hands only for her to pull away. “You haven’t though. If anything, I—”

“Scott, stop. Just… I need to say this,” she said, avoiding my eyes. “I feel as if I don’t say this now, I’ll never get the courage to say it.”

She took a deep breath. “I’ve been using you. Maybe it could be called something else, but no matter how I look at it, I’ve been taking advantage of your feelings for me since the beginning. I’ve told myself so many lies justifying it all, but it all comes back to that simple truth.” She glanced over at me. “I knew you liked me when I asked you to stay in the room with Sean and me. Seeing the way you looked at me, how you reacted when Sean said I was your girlfriend, it drove me wild because no guy has ever looked at me the way you do.”

“But I told you to—”

“Scott,” she warned. “I know, but you never intended to be an audience. That was on me. I took it a step farther asking you to watch me with Adam. I even had you pick how he fucked me, I told you to say things knowing how it made you feel. I did it because of how it made me feel.” She looked away again, as if ashamed to look at me. “I kept telling myself I was this great girlfriend because I wouldn’t be this dominating presence in your life, but that was easy because you had no interest in other girls. All I need to do is think back to how I reacted when I thought you were showing interest in other girls and how I felt about that to know that was a lie. It was easy to tell you that I was fine with you sleeping with others when I knew you weren’t going to do it, just like it was easy for me to tell you I would stop sleeping with a guy when I knew you wouldn’t tell me no.”

Head bowed, she continued. “Reflecting on my actions, I see a common trend. You may have a low sex drive, but I never even tried to do anything with you. Why would I? I know sex with Sean will be amazing. If I’m horny, I can have him come over to take care of me. It’s not like you’d ever tell me no. If Sean is busy or I’m feeling something different, well, there are other guys.” A tear ran down her cheek. Even hearing what I was, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and tell her it was okay, but I refrained. She didn’t want that. What she wanted from me was to listen, so that’s what I did. “I’m scared, Scott. I’ve been with so many other guys, imagining that it was you, that the actual thought of having sex with you frightens me. Over the years, I’ve built up this grand idea of what sex with you would be like, that I’m terrified I’ll be disappointed when it happens—which is so fucking stupid because the night before we came here showed me how fantastic being with you is.”

When she didn’t say anything for several seconds, I stepped in.

“We’ve had sex twice now.”

Her face contorted in disgust. “That’s not what I’m talking about, Scott. That was fucking. You deserved better than that from me.”

“I—”

“Our entire relationship seems to be based around me with other guys. I initiated our first real kiss when I felt Adam cumming inside me. I didn’t even wait for him to finish before asking you out. Our first time was after I went and fucked two guys. I keep saying that you never tell me anything and that you never talk about what you are interested in, but I haven’t taken the time to actually give you the chance. This entire relationship is built on the idea that you orbit me, and that my needs must be satisfied first. I know I’ve been taking advantage of that, but it isn’t what I want. It’s not fair to you, and that isn’t who I want to be.

“And I can see that I’ve been pushing you towards accepting that. I wanted you to be okay with me being with other guys because I never wanted to stop having sex whenever and with whoever I wanted—and I feel like it is working. God, the way you talked to me when we were doing that roleplay. It drove me wild hearing you talk to me like that, but I saw what happened after and how it made you feel. That should have clued me in that maybe something was wrong, but I ignored it because I was enjoying things as they were. I liked watching you fight with your jealousy whenever I asked you if it was okay to fuck another guy.

“I pushed you to watch videos of me having sex with other guys. I constantly asked how you liked it, pushing every little hint of excitement—real or imagined—I thought I saw. In the hot tub, I… I never told you what I had planned or asked if you were okay with it.” She bit her lip, more tears running down her cheeks. “If I did, I was afraid you would tell me that wasn’t what you wanted.”

She wiped at her face and eyes. “I wanted so bad for you to like it. When you told me that you didn’t, I was mortified at what I’d done, so I blamed you. I said you could have stopped me at any time, but when have you ever done that? You have been clear that you are uncomfortable with me and other guys, and I have consistently ignored that. When we talked about that night in the hot tub, not once did I ask you if you wanted me to stop. No, I did the opposite. What did I need to do to make you enjoy it? I didn’t like what I was hearing, so I got mad at you. I wanted you to enjoy it so much because I enjoyed it. If you enjoyed it, then I wouldn’t have to feel so fucking guilty about it.

“But I pushed you anyways. I convinced myself that this was all for you, but it never was. It was about me.”

I shifted uncomfortably on the bed as I was **** to examine my thoughts on the matter. Yes, I didn’t like Kaylee with other guys, but how did that explain my erection whenever I watched her? Hadn’t a part of me enjoyed watching her at the end? It was all so confusing.

She took a shaky breath. “Tonight, I finally opened my eyes to the lie I have been telling myself. When I looked at you tonight, it was like I was watching your entire world implode. You were trying so hard to like what you were watching. But instead of realizing what I was doing to you, all I could do is look at you and wonder, ‘why doesn’t he like this?’”

“At the end, I—”

“Enjoyed it, I know. I got exactly what I wanted. You have no idea how happy I was at that moment. The way you looked at me… it was just like the way you looked at me when I was fucking Adam. It wasn’t until I said those things in the shower when I realized what I’d turned into.”

“That was the lust talking.”

She was shaking her head before I finished. “It would be easy for me to pretend it was, but it wasn’t. I said those things purposefully. I said them knowing it would hurt you. I didn’t care, because all I cared about was myself and that little bit of thrill it added. That was when I realized it was all a lie. None of what I did was for you. It was for me.” She wiped at her eyes. “The last thing I want is to turn into my fucking mother.”

Sniffling, her eyes fell back to her lap. There was a long silence as she tried to fight back tears. For me, I wasn’t sure what to do. She was convinced that she was to blame in all this, but didn’t I play a part too? Maybe if I wasn’t so frightened about messing up or doing something wrong, I could have pushed back. At the very least, I could have spoken up more. I kept telling myself that I was going to pull my weight, yet when it was time to get started I never did. Of course she was going to be the center of our relationship if all I did was passively follow around.

“So… what happens now?”

She dabbed at her eyes, looking back up at me. “I thought I was ready for a relationship. I thought I could make this work.” She shook her head. “I am just as immature as I was a year ago.”

If watching her have sex with the two guys was my world imploding, it felt like the entire universe was now. “Kaylee—”

“Scott, we need to break up.”

“No, I—”

“Just… Just listen to me for a moment,” she said. It was odd seeing the determination in her face amongst the devastation of her tears and puffy, red eyes. “What we are doing, this isn’t a relationship. Not one that I want, anyways. So I’m going to burn it down. I know we can’t erase what is done, or the pain I caused, but tomorrow, I am going to ask you out again. Properly, this time.” She hiccuped and sniffed, wiping at her face again. “We need a clean slate, Scott. I need to start treating this relationship with the attention it deserves and practice what I preach. And you—” she said with a sharp look, “need to pull your weight. I have too much of my mother in me. I am greedy. I am selfish. I will take all that I can if you let me. So don’t let me. I don’t want your happiness to be because I’m happy. I want us to be happy. Even if I don’t know what that looks like, we need to find it, together.” Reaching out, she grabbed my hands. “Can… can we do that?”

Feeling her hands around mine, I looked down. A clean slate. I understood why she was doing this. We had both fucked up pretty badly throughout our relationship, and there was equal blame. Fear, uncertainty, lying, we were building with rotted materials. I understood where she was coming from, how she felt about things. There was a truth to them. That didn’t absolve me. I was too frightened to do anything. I let her do whatever she wanted, regardless of how it made me feel with the thin excuse of her being happy made me happy.

One thing I did know for sure, was that if this was going to be an attempt at a clean slate, it needed to be clean.

“If you are going to burn this all down, then I suppose I need to add to the kindling. I’ve… been lying to you too. Since the beginning, actually.” She looked surprised. “I thought it would be easier for you to believe a small lie than to live a large one, but I see now that the size of the lie doesn’t matter. It still causes damage regardless.” I stood up, pulling my hands away from her. “I need to see your cell phone.”

“My phone?”

I nodded, holding my hand out. Confused, she handed it to me. Walking out of the bedroom, I placed them on the table before stopping by my suitcase. There, I grabbed a condom and shoved it in my pocket. My entire body was shaking, sweat beading on my forehead as I mentally psyched myself up.

Dad was going to kill me if he found out about this.

Walking back inside, I closed the door behind me. I found Kaylee a ball of nerves. Her eyes flitted cautiously to mine before skittering away. Sitting back down, I left some space between us. There was a long silence as I worked up the courage to speak. I still had no idea what to say, so I just went with my gut.

“Kaylee, I’m a virgin.” Wow. My gut was fucking retarded.

She stared at me for a half-second. “What?”

“I mean, I was. Err. Until we… In the hot tub, that was actually—”

“Wait,” she said, eyes widening. “That? But you and Faith—”

“A lie. Liam got her to cover for me. Zoe was hellbent on finding out, and I was terrified of what she would do if she found out I was. I know you and her are…friends? But I hate that woman. I understand why she hates me, but understanding doesn’t erase all the fucking shit she’s done and said to me.” When Kaylee opened her mouth to speak, I cut her off. “But this isn’t about Zoe and me. I know you two are friends and I’m not going to get in the way of that, so let’s leave it at that for now.”

Even thinking about her made my blood heat up. But as I had said, this wasn’t about Zoe.

“So… You never…?”

“No.”

“At all?”

“Nope.”

“With anyone?”

“Only you.”

I watched as the color drained from her face. She looked mortified as she put her hands over her mouth. “And that was your first time? Fuck, Scott. I’m so sorry!”

“You didn’t know.”

“But—”

“Kaylee, it doesn’t matter. That is small potatoes. This entire time, I’ve been pretending that I have no sex drive.”

The horror she was feeling morphed into confusion as she looked at me. “What?”

“When I agreed to go out with you, you wanted to have sex with me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. That was when you told me you had a confession to make. That you didn’t have—”

“You said that.” She blinked. “I went with it because I thought it was the easier lie to live with.”

“I don’t understand.”

I reached into my pocket. Grabbing her hand, I put the condom inside it. “I was going to say I didn’t have one of these.”

Frowning, she looked at the condom in her hand. “A condom?” Her eyes met mine. “Why do you have a condom?”

“I brought them because I want to have sex with you.”

She chuckled, but it wasn’t in amusement. She was vocalizing her confusion. “Come on, Scott. You don’t need a condom to have sex with me. No one else does.”

I didn’t smile, my expression grim. “Yes, yes I do.”

“Yeah, but we had sex twice now without—” She froze. Full stop. Kaylee was a smart woman. It was one of the reasons why I loved her. I could see the weight of realization crash down on her like the Moon slamming into the Earth. “You pulled out. Both times,” she breathed.

“It was stupid. I never should have—”

“Scott,” she interrupted. “Are you—”

“Don’t. Don’t say it. Don’t think it.”

“But—”

“I’m serious, Kaylee. What I’m telling you isn’t some schoolyard secret. This has life-ending consequences. I shouldn’t be telling you this at all, even if you are—were—my girlfriend.”

She was silent, not looking at me as she processed. I let her. I knew what it was like to be in her position.

“Why?” she finally whispered.

“Trust is just a word until you put action to it. You said you wanted a clean slate, well, I do too. That one thing has filled me with so much fear that it paralyzed me. I’ve let that fear control me. It has kept me silent because I didn’t know how you would react or what lies I would have to tell you.”

“So why now? Technically, I just broke up with you.”

“That’s why. It’s been something that’s been eating at me for a long time now. When am I supposed to tell you? When we hit the one-year marker? Five? Ten? When you propose? Our honeymoon? When we talk about having kids?” Her eyes widened when I mentioned marriage. I didn’t know if that was a, ‘You are thinking that far ahead?’ or a, ‘You planning to get married?’ sort of look. I pressed on, not sparing any time to think about it. “That would be horribly unfair to you. Dropping that kind of thing after years of keeping it a secret, it would change things. Maybe you would feel bitter, or angry. Maybe you would accept it, but come to resent me having to carry such a secret around. I don’t know and I don’t want to do that to you.” I took a deep breath, realizing what I was doing. “So you need to think about that, Kaylee. Really think about it, because this is something I can’t change, no matter how much I want to. And I know I’m already being unfair by forcing you to keep this a secret already, but it’s one thing to keep a secret, and another to live one.” It felt like my body was shaking. “I’ll always be your friend, Kaylee, no matter what you decide tomorrow.”

Leaning over, I kissed her forehead and walked away. No matter what happened, things would be different from this point on. I knew that right now, it really could all be over. She had been confident that she was going to restart this whole thing tomorrow, but now? I could see the doubt lingering in her eyes. I felt guilty that I was doing this to her. Not only had I dropped a secret she would have to carry her entire life, but I was forcing her to make a decision about us. It wasn’t fair, but it was something only she could do.

And while I felt terrible, there was something else there too. The colossal weight I had been carrying was gone. I knew I probably just sank my chances with Kaylee forever, but it was something I had chosen.

I told her.

All that was small compared to the terror. All I could think about was how she was going to walk away. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame her. If I was in her shoes, I don’t know what I would have done. I was also terrified that, for the first time, my secret was known by someone outside of my immediate family and the doctor who had fudged the test.

A part of me wished this entire thing never happened, but it was inevitable in our current direction. Kaylee had given me a lot to think about, but looking back, I could see a general pattern. We were unstable. We had high-highs, but low-lows. Great moments were almost immediately met with low ones. That back and forth was ripping us apart. If we continued, the break wouldn’t be like it was now. It would be filled with resentment, bitterness, maybe even hate.

As I left the bedroom and closed the door behind me, I heard the soft sounds of her crying. Lying down on the couch, I stared up at the ceiling. I couldn’t hear her crying anymore, but the sound haunted me. That didn’t bode well for tomorrow, but then again, we did just break up and have a heavy conversation that resulted in a lot of raw emotions being exposed. Closing my eyes, all I knew was that I didn’t want to think anymore. Not for the moment.

Tomorrow was a new day, and whatever happened, happened.