Car Ride Home

I waited by Kaylee’s car. I could have gone inside the school, but I was afraid Kaylee might leave without me. It was a stupid fear, but the thought of her doing that terrified me. Her leaving me wouldn’t strand me. I still had my cell phone and I could call Mom or Dad. Not Paige. I’d freeze to death walking home before I would call her. Hell, I’d freeze to death standing here if that’s what it took. One chance. One chance to explain myself was all I wanted.

As the chill seeped into me, I watched as cars began to leave. First, the parents who were picking up, then the seniors and juniors who could drive and didn’t carpool. Hands in my pocket to keep them from freezing, I leaned against the passenger door as I continued my wait. I hated waiting. The only thing the time allowed was for the feeling of dread to increase, tormenting me. My mind was going through possible conversation routes. None of them ended well for me.

My anxiety spiked when I saw Kaylee exit. Beside her was none other than Zoe. Clean slate my ass. She earned a spot on my permanent shit-list. A list that didn’t exist until an hour ago when I created it for the sole purpose of putting her on it. They stopped at the bottom of the small concrete stairs leading up to the entrance of the school. I could see they were talking, but I was way too far to hear what was being said. Kaylee stepped forward and gave Zoe a hug before separating and heading my way. That… didn’t bode well and only fed the dread I was already harboring. My legs were barely enough to support myself as I stood straight as Kaylee walked towards her car, her sports bag slung over her shoulder.

I opened my mouth to speak but said nothing at the hard look she gave me. Apparently, I wasn’t allowed to speak yet and my jaw snapped shut. Teeth ground together as I watched her toss her bag into the trunk before unlocking the car and getting inside. Taking a deep breath, I went to open my own door only to find it locked. Adrenaline coursed through me as the car started.

Shit, she was really going to leave me here…

At the moment I thought it was all over, I heard the door unlock and rushed to get inside before she changed her mind. I barely managed to get the seatbelt in place before she accelerated to the parking lot exit. Several furtive looks revealed a completely stoic face. It was easy enough to see she was pissed, but her not showing it scared me more than anything.

A few minutes of that was enough to break me. Even if she didn’t want me to say anything, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Kaylee,” I started in a soft voice. “It wasn’t—”

“What it looked like,” she cut in, voice cold. “So Zoe wasn’t pretending to give you a blowjob?” I blinked a few times in surprise as she quickly glanced over to see my reaction before focusing on the road. “I’m not an idiot. I could tell she was just messing with you. If that wasn’t clear enough already, she told me so in the locker room.”

My shoulders fell as relief flooded through me. This entire time I’d been freaking out that she thought—Wait. If she knew already, why was she so angry? “Wait, so you knew the entire time?”

“Of course I did.”

I hesitated a few seconds, wondering how to best phrase my question. “So… if you knew… are you actually angry or…?”

Her knuckles turned white on the wheel as she stared directly ahead. “I’m not angry.”

She was totally angry. I took a moment to run my mind through the wringer searching for an answer. After a few seconds, nothing came to mind.

“You know I’d never do that.”

We had stopped at a red light, allowing her to look over at me. “What? Get a blowjob from another girl?” I nodded. “You think that’s what I’m angry about?”

So much for her not being angry, but I already knew that. “Huh?”

“I’m not an insecure woman who demands full control over her boyfriend’s sex life. If you want to sleep with other girls, that’s okay so long as you ask first. I’m not going to say no.” She hesitated slightly, looking away. “Mostly.”

That didn’t surprise me. It was the norm in most relationships, at least in the dating phase. Marriage tended to change things, but that differed by couples. Some couples still maintained a level of openness that looked similar to a dating relationship. Others demanded the man have complete fidelity to the woman, though those types of marriages were seen as old fashioned and becoming less the norm. Normally, things fell somewhere between the two. Of course, just because Kaylee was telling me it was okay didn’t mean I was actually going to do that. Kaylee was all I ever needed or wanted—provided I didn’t fuck it all up.

“Well, you of all people should know I have no desire to do anything like that with Zoe of all people.”

Her hands clenched the steering wheel so hard that I thought she was going to try ripping it off. She muttered something under her breath, stoic features slipping to reveal a touch of how upset she was. It sounded a lot like, ‘Yet you had an erection.’ Of all the things to be angry about, that seemed so incredibly… petty. That didn’t fit in with how Kaylee was at all. Until I remembered the underlying lie on why we weren’t having sex. My ‘low’ sex drive. She’d come back to find her boyfriend, who wasn’t supposed to be interested in sex, sporting an erection from her friend. Girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Whatever they were now. Even if it wasn’t at full mast, I could see why she would be upset. Now, I knew that erection had actually been because I’d been watching her. Something I wasn’t comfortable with talking about because thinking about it made me feel sick and confused.

I didn’t know what to say, so I remained silent. I knew how I could clear everything up. I just needed to come clean with her. Tell her I wasn’t actually suffering from a low sex drive, but I knew the next question would be why we weren’t having sex like a normal couple. That was a question I couldn’t answer. No matter how much I trusted her, I couldn’t. Not yet. I knew it was fear that was keeping me silent. I was terrified of what might happen if my secret got out. I’d seen news clips of guys who were caught hiding their status. They were never punished, not outright. It was always the people around them who knew and never said anything that were punished. That was enough to keep me silent, even if it meant my relationship with Kaylee suffered. If something happened and my secret came out and my family was punished because of me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself after that.

This situation fucking sucked. No matter how I looked at it, I was going to lose something.

The silence stretched until I saw her pass the exit that would have lead to my house. My head turned, watching as the offramp flew past. “You missed the exit,” I said cautiously, fearing that I would wake a slumbering dragon.

“We’re going to my house,” she said with her gaze locked in front of her. That was a bit weird, considering she’d have to double back to take me home later. “I think it’s about time you stayed over, don’t you think?”

Eyes wide, I looked over at her, heart racing. She didn’t mean what I think she did… Right?