John Doe, The Comorbidly Grey One.

I've been subjected to psychiatric diagnoses before the 1990's ended, and I was seven when the New Millennium was celebrated on New Years Eve.
I've been treated Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, which branched out into Anxiety, both social and general, and Suicidal Depression. I was around seven years old when a professional asked me if I wanted to hurt myself, or kill myself, and I said yes. The family and therapist cared for all of five minutes.
I was fourteen the first time I attempted suicide.
Because the depression and anxiety were ignored in favor of ADHD, and ... There is another disorder, one I don't like to think Of, one I actively avoid thinking of. My father, grandfather, and grandmother used it ass a method and excuse for **** and control. They already had plenty, but given one one a silver plater adorned with a double helix and patches of indigo patina.
The first four disorders were genetic; being born with ADHD makes many very ulnerable to developing severe depression and anxiety. The fourth, the one censor in my own thoughts, is a developmental disorder. The rest came from a childhood in a dysfunctional family with a narcistic father and a narcistic grandfather before him, baring done and grinding apart the souls of their wives and children. The mind of a child is very ****, it doesn't take much for one to be traumatized, or broken by constant stress and strain. The final problem came from being isolated, the result of being visually of mixed race in the United States of America, being frequently on the move from one home to another, and being dehumanized into a prize during a vicious legal battle, that ended when I was **** to lie in court.
Because the depression, anxiety, and any disorder that would point to an abusive family and unhealthy home life were ignored, my education was a wash. Elementary school. Junior High School. A Charter School Scam instead of High School. Then actual High School. Finally community college, when they ripped choice from me again. Nothing but misery, failure, and disappointing people, because everyone I met thinks I'm smart.
I moved to the city, the Metroplex, looking for work, trying to escape my past. I signed up for therapy, and paid for it with my savings. I got actual treatment, and appropriate medication. Group therapy only did so much, before it became clear I would never get another chance to speak. We had limited time, to many people, stories told in ways that seemed so much worse than mine. But, I got what I needed from it.
I got a job, then better job with inconsistent hours. Then another job that was worse, having shady practices, but had a stable schedule there for more money to be made. And now, I have job better than that, with nothing shady, higher pay, and working bathrooms maintained by janitors.
Work, any work has been good for me. At the third job, I did something, in my head, that has changed my life, and all did was reapply something I did while grinding for money in a video game. I my mind I said, in silence so loud, "don't think, don't feel. Observe and reacted." I repeated this ad nauseum, because it worked. Repetition made the phrase a mantra, and when I realized I could develop my own mantras, I did so prolifically.
"Don't think, don't feel. Observe and Reacted. Remember and do."
"Don't think. Don't feel. Don't imagine. Don't contemplate. Don't fantasize. Observe and remember and do."
Don't imagine. Don't contemplate. Aim for darkness and silence within your mind. Aim for the void."
"You think in circles. You think in cycles. You'll return to your fantasies and quandaries later. You always do."
"Aim for the void. Stillness the mind, motion of the body"
"Aim and re-aim for the void."
"Can I do a good job? Yes. Do I want to do a good job? Yes. Will I do a good? Yes. Even if hate it? Yes."
"I have to keep my disorders in mind. I have to think about them. I have to stare them down."
"I can, I want, I will, I choose to. I can do a good job. I want to do good job. I will do a good job. One cannot skip from can to will, as the "will" is the result of acting on aptitude and desire. I choose to fight against my disorders, my habit's, my trauma my pain."
"Limit your thought's. Limit your thoughts. Limit your thoughts."
"...……."
They worked. My performance skyrocket. I developed focus and will power. I became strong, and stronger still. I grew strong from the inside out, but that that was at work.
At home I break down, and fall apart. I can't sleep. I cant' take care of myself. I masturbate while contemplating self-castration. And, that makes sense. The mantras and litanies that grew from themonly worked for minutes at time. The idea that they would work all day is silly when they can't last and hour. The idea that I would remain motivated and strong when I have to come home, to this isolation and avoidance, isn't silly, it's stupid. At home I drink to get drunk. It terrified my sister, when I took a glass meant to serve a tall drink of water, filled it with ice, and poured bottom-self rum, Lady Calypso, and drain it in a patient motion.
I've lived in this city for almost four years, and during the first I noticed things, things that ignored. I simply thought that my mental health had worsened. That I and developed another illness that caused hallucinations and delusions. I was wrong. I had to test make things happen that others could see, but in ways that couldn't be traced back to me, or a few be thought as normal.
I when I started reigning in my anxiety is when the first of these things happened. When I finally managed to stop catastrophying my expectations, grounding then in what I know, they stopped being insane and cartoonish imaginings. They stopped being imaginings, abstract thoughts that one can't really see, only pretend to see. The imagingings became visions, clear as day, clear as the physical sights of the present in front of my eyes, but of the futures, plural. Time would stop for me and I would see three to five visons in succession or at one. And one of them was always right.
Yeah I thought I lost my mind. Lost my marbles.
Of course it didn't stop there.
At home, when I kicked myself in the ass enough clean up I knocked glass plate of a counter. The plate fell, but it never touched the ground. The plated hovered in place, then, after moments of being there, static in the air, it floated up to my hand, the hand that dived after it even thought the plate was so far out of reach.
Being depressed, and living the life I have, resulted I my need to deceive on a daily basis. Not just, lie, but life well, lie with few words. Lie with no words. Life with few motions, then no motions, just stances. I learned to act. I got what I wanted. To being ignored or heard. I learned to entertain, and how to frighten. But this, this a was beyond that, form natural to preternatural, from preternatural to supernatural. This ability to device became basically hypnosis. More accurately it became like charm, a telepathic ability from a game titled Second Sight.
I always had to analyze people, because while I'm abnormal, I'm stilly human. This to became... enhanced. I had visons of half a minute into the future, and now visions of people thoughts, feelings, and glimpse of their past if they were thinking about it.
Last was something hat happened when I was alone for Christmas and New Years. Being silly and thinking of Christ I waved my hand over water, pretending to make it wine. When I moved to drink from the transparent glass, wine didn't touch my lips or tongue, nor was it water. I had, to my shock, and even horror, turned water into rum.

This is who I am,
John Doe, The Comorbidly Grey One.
I've bettered myself. I'm going to keep bettering myself. Maybe I'm finally ready for romance, to find out If I can love people the way they are meant to be loved.
If not... … … …