Meanwhile...

On the other side of the world, a world class assassin was sitting on an unlit rooftop, peering through the scope of a sniper rifle. In the crosshairs was a party on the opposite end of town where rich fat cats who dealt in human suffering were about to get gatecrashed by a very big, very fast bullet. Then, Deadpool sat up. Something didn’t feel right. He tilted his head, turning his attention away from the scope as his unease grew.

“I felt… a great disturbance in the ****,” he said to his empty sniper’s nest. “As if a million tiny voices cried out in terror… and were suddenly swallowed… I feel some terrible writing has happened.” He looked around, searching, eyes narrowing. Then he … was staring right at me. Oh. Shit. “Jesus in Janis Joplin’s jumpsuit what the fuck is this?” Deadpool got to his feet, fists balled at his side. “Am I in someone’s fanfic right now? Your fanfic? It’s erotic fanfic isn’t it?” He sounded angry, incredulous and a little turned on.

He raised an eyebrow. “Turned on? By this lazy, contrived smut? Yeah nice try buddy,” the merc smirked under his red and black mask. “I don’t know what’s sadder; The guy sitting at his computer “writing” this uninspired dreck, I’m doing air quotes while I say this, put that down,” he continued, putting the word ‘writing’ in air quotes with his fingers, “Or the reader. Yeah you. You, dear reader, sitting there, jerkin’ off to some words on a page like a 34 year old soccer mom who missed the boat on Nsync fandom and has to get off on reading about freakish businessmen spanking a doe eyed female “protagonist”, air quotes again, who is shallower than the handful of jizz that ended up on your palm two chapters ago.”

Deadpool sighed mightily, throwing his hands up in frustration as he paced around his vaguely described rooftop setting. “You know this guy writes like, 90% **** erotica right? What’s with that? And while I’m on the subject what’s with all the **** shit on porn sites these days? A guy can’t stream a simple, wholesome video of a 3 foot midget with a 9 inch cock railing a thai ladyboy strapped to a fidgetspinning sybian without wading through pages of mommy son weirdness first. What a world.

“So what is your excuse, Deadedge? Mommy issues? Daddy issues? Or is inserting **** into the story just a hack smut writer’s shortcut to establishing a pre-existing relationship between characters so you don’t have to build or develop actual, emotionally resonant characters to make the sex scenes more meaningful than your limited vocabulary allows. Notice that last one wasn’t punctuated with a question mark?

“Wow and the name. Deadedge? Edge? Really? Do my lawyers know about you? Your avatar is literally my logo, flipped upsidedown and made negative. What. The. Fuck. I’d threaten to sue the pants off of you and eat your ass out in court, but you’d probably love that wouldn’t you? Yeah. That’s right. Oh okay you’re gonna end the chapter now? Well good for you. This plot is unfuckingbelieveable. Emphasis on the so called fucking. Colossus is totally out of character you realise that right? And Yukio? Barely one dimensional. Do not even get me started on Negasonic Teenage WorstWrittenFanficEverYou’reLuckyI’mnotabletoreachthroughthescreenandstra-