certain men

Time marched forward and you became accustomed to your new job and your daily routine of stocking makeup and familiarizing yourself with what each product did. Thankfully you had a discount which allowed you to practice your own makeup and with daily help and tips from Mary helped you perfect your own look. "If you want I can do your makeup for prom, no charge of course," Mary mentioned one day during the store's suffered its nine o'clock lull of inactivity.

"That would be wonderful, thank you!"

"Have you picked out a dress yet?"

"Not yet."

"Girl, you better hurry, you only got two weeks left."

"I know, it's just-" Suddenly Mary tapped you on the shoulder and pointed towards the front.

"Heads up. What you think, buying for his wife or girlfriend?" You turned around and saw a very confused looking man in his forties in a striped polo golf shirt and Dockers. His stark black and tightly cropped hair bobbed and weaved its way through the aisles like a shark fin in water.

"Fuck!" You whispered and ducked behind the makeup counter.

"What?"

"It's...my dad." The man, your father, approached Mary who strategically blocked his view of you behind the counter.

"Excuse me, miss-"

"Mary."

"Mary. I'm looking for...someone. H-her name is.." He dug into his pocket and pulled out a folded sticky note. "Kara."

"She just clocked out I'm afraid. But is there anything I can help you with?"

"No, I was just...do you know when she'd be back?"

"She's gone home."

"Right. Uh." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "Will she be here tomorrow?"

"I don't know the schedule yet, I'm sorry."

Dejectedly he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. "Can you give this to her the next time you see her, please? I'd do it myself but..." He didn't know where Tom's house was. You were surprised that Erin hadn't told him where you lived when she must have told him your name.

"I will."

"Thank you." He looked as if he wanted to say something else but stopped himself. "Have a good evening." You could hear his feet shuffling away from the counter.

"You too, sir," Mary called out after him. "Jesus that was rough. Did you see his face? Oh, right I guess you didn't." You refused to stand up, for fear of him still being around. Or maybe it was shame, he didn't sound enraged but then he was always good at controlling his emotions. He always told you that a man controlled his emotions not the other way around. But... "Earth to Kara." Mary leaned over the counter, waving the envelope in your face.

"Is he gone?"

"Yup." You slowly peaked over the countertop to confirm he was gone before standing upright. You still refused to look Mary in the eye. "Can you handle close up?"

"Sure." You turned around to the 'employee lounge' but were stopped by Mary's voice. "Your letter."

A million thoughts ran through your mind of what could be in the letter, would he tell you he loved you? Would he tell you your mom reconsidered and let you live with her? Would you even want that? Would he exhaust his vocabulary in pen just so he could get in his two cents about how much he hated you? "Burn it."

Mary followed you into the room stormed after you, envelope in hand. "I will not. Your dad came out of his way wanting to speak to you, now I get you don't want to see him but you could at least read what he has to say."

"You really don't understand and I don't care what he has to say or write." You snatched your bag out of your locker before slamming it shut.

"I know what you're going through better than you think! And if my father ever...Look just take the letter and I'll clock out for you."

"You're bribing me with two entire dollars?" Mary straightened herself and pushed the letter into your chest. "Fine."

You texted Tom telling him you were catching the bus, thankfully it wasn't a long ride. You stared at the envelope on top of your messenger bag, one of the few splurge items you bought with your first paycheck. The thought of what might be inside was nerve-racking. You nearly opened it three times but each time you remembered how you were thrown out of your home and why should you care what he has to say? So you would place the envelope back inside each time.

Finally, the bus came to your stop and you walked the deserted street the short distance to Tom's house where you found Tom waiting for you on the porch. He was pretending he wasn't worried as he swung on the porch swing staring up at the starless night. "Hey." You kissed him on the cheek before sitting next to him on the swing.

"Welcome home."

You smiled emptily "You didn't have to worry."

"I was just looking at the stars."

"Right." You both swung in silence for a moment, him wrapping his arm around you and nuzzling you. "My dad tried to see me today." You blurted suddenly.

"Whoa." Tom, normally stoic, was shocked and his face displayed a mixture of emotions as his thoughts raced through his head just as yours had earlier.

"Yeah."

"Did you talk to him?"

"No." Slowly you pulled the envelope out of your bag, thumbing it softly as you stared at it. "He left a note with Mary."

"Did you read it yet?"

You shook your head. "Mary seems to think I should. What do you think?"

"I wouldn't." You pulled away from him honestly shocked for the first time to see him react this way. Tom leaned forward and rubbed wrung his hands together. "My dad, when he left, he left because of me. I know most kids of divorce think that but he actually did. There was a huge fight when I came out and my mom and dad both hated the very idea but dad...hated it more I guess. He smacked me around." For a moment he chuckled. "I guess he thought he could beat it out of me. But mom stepped in, well she tackled him into the t.v. She told him if he ever came back she'd shoot him dead before his foot hit the lawn."

"That's why you stay with her?"

He nodded silently. "She...was mad about it at first but she had started even before you."

"Your dad never tried to contact you?"

"Not once in six years. And if he tried I wouldn't listen. You don't let someone who treated you like that back into your life. You don't forgive them because they don't deserve it." You had never heard such anger, such hatred in Tom's voice before. At anyone. Tom sighed and leaned back into the swing exhausted with his own thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." You lay across his chest trying to comfort him the only way you know how. "I won't read the letter."

Sleep didn't come easy, but when it finally came it was a deep sleep and like all, with struggles you wished to stay forever. When morning came you were awoken by Tom. "We gotta go."

"Hmm, no, bed good. School bad." You sighed rolling over and hugging your body-sized pillow, a small gift from Tom's mom.

"Last warning." You smiled and snuggled your pillow tighter. "I warned you." Suddenly the blanket was thrown off of you and Tom started tickling your feet.

"No!!" You squealed as you laugh and kick and flail trying to escape Tom's skillful hands. "P-please!" You bounce on the bed and convulse as you try to catch your breath. "I'm up damn it!" You shout finally. The vicious **** finally ends as you lie gasping for breath.

"I did warn you." He gently rubs your foot before kissing each toe.

"Meanie." You toss your pillow into his face.

After a nice breakfast and the usual momma's family rerun which you've grown to enjoy you were dropped off at school. Still, the letter was not far from your mind as you ignored the goings on during class. After class, you were without Tom separated by the alphabet and trapped in line waiting to have your photo taken for the yearbook. The girls room were filled with a gaggle of girls primping and preening and retouching their makeup, you along with them. For a moment as you were re-applying your lipstick you remembered last year's yearbook photo. You were in the boys' room, talking about the hotties you had seen. You loved your friends but you couldn't tell them that behind the laughter was jealousy. That it felt like you were wearing someone else's skin and just doing what was expected of you. When you told your good doctor this she told you that this was dysphoria and something trans people feel. Not the hatred and self-loathing you had heard about and it's why so many people do not realize they are until they're older if ever. Offering you hormones right off like she did she said was to see how you reacted and find out if it was something you needed or just something you wanted. She didn't go into much detail about how that worked but she was certainly right. She claims that her little test never failed her, but that just seemed highly unlikely to you.

"There you are." Erin came in pushing passed a girl with a curling iron in her hair, quite possibly stuck too if the look of frustration on her face was any indicator. "Did you talk to daddy?"

"No." You said quietly putting away your lipstick. Without looking Erin in the eye you ask, "What did he say?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you."

"But you will right?"

Erin looked frustrated as her loyalties tore her apart. "I can't, read his letter and see."

"I thought sisters told each other everything?"

"Sometimes you gotta hear it from the horse's mouth. So to speak." Erin passed through the crowd once again as two girls struggled to remove the curling iron from the girl's hair without having to resort to cutting it.

"Well hell."

You stood in line thinking about the letter again, Erin wouldn't push you to do something that would hurt you..well not intentionally. But it seemed like she already knew. So you decided to read the letter. Three students had their photos taken and you had decided reading the letter was a terrible idea. Two more students and you decided you should burn it when you get home. Four more students and you decide once again to read the letter. You hear your name called, not your real name, not the name you were used too but your birth name. You had never bothered with changing it in your school records since most teachers called you kara anyway and you didn't really enjoy discussing these types of things as it just reminded you of...well everything you weren't and everything you lost.

"It's kara actually."

The balding man's terrible comb-over flapped in the breeze of the gym and looked over his sheet. "It says-"

"Yeah. I know. I'm not him anymore." The photographer looked like he was about to say something else when Mr.Fields walked up to him and whispered in his ear.

His eyes widened visibly as he was clearly told about you. "Okay missy, smile for the camera." You flashed your pearly whites as best you could and tried not to blink as the flash went off in your eyes. You tried waiting around for Tom when Mr.Fields approached you.

"Hello, miss Kara." He smiled warmly as always. He was a nice teacher and one of the rare ones that seemed to like you. He addressed every student with Mr. or Mrs. by their first name. No one was really sure why since most teachers would address their students by their last name.

"Hello, Mr. Fields."

"I wished to speak with you about your last writing assignment."

"It sucks I know. I'm sorry."

"Quite the opposite. I found it rather enjoyable. A few spelling and grammar errors to be sure but still, it was a step above your usual work."

"Thank you? I guess I've been in my head a lot lately so it was actually a relief to get out of it you know?"

"Indeed." There was a sudden stir of commotion as a group of boys suddenly grew louder. You and Mr.Fields hurried to the commotion to find Marvin with a black eye and holding his dislocated shoulder. "Mr. Marvin, what happened to you?"

"Nothing." He stated flatly as ever. "Just need my picture taken."

"What you need is a hospital."

"Later."

"We've been trying to tell him to go but he won't listen." Another boy said.

"Marvin, why won't you just go to the doctor?" You never knew Marvin to ignore when he was hurt like most of the other boys on the team.

"You wouldn't understand." Marvin winced as he sat on the provided stool, the only indicator he was in pain. "It's guy stuff."

"You mean macho-pigheaded crap?" You had spent seventeen years of your life doing guy stuff, you understood it plenty. Hell, you took part in it, where does he get off honestly.

"Exactly." He turned away from you to the photographer, "Before I pass out if you don't mind." The photographer looked to Mr.Fields who nodded giving him the go-ahead.

"Smile?" Marvin's smile was rarely seen but today's was especially proud and vibrant, he even sat up taller on the stool before the flash went off. "All set."

"Now, I insist you go to a doctor immediately."

"Sounds good." Marvin strode off holding his limp arm like it was nothing.

"The hell is wrong with him?" You asked Mr.Fields. There was not snitching and then there was being bat crap crazy enough to want a picture taken before going to the hospital. You would never have done that before you started transitioning and you did some crazy stunts yourself.

"I think I understand, miss Kara."

"Really? Cause I don't."

"It's a badge of honor. Man or woman, certain people feel they must stand up for their friends or family."

"What?"

"I've taught Mr.Marvin for many years and he has only not been able to diffuse a situation on three separate occasions. When someone like that backs away from doing what's right it weighs heavy on him. But when he steps up. No matter the cost it is a glorious victory."

"I guess I'm slow."

"Then you should think on all you know about our mister Marvin and then speak with him when you can. Perhaps he can enlighten you. Now if you'll excuse me I must attend to my other students." Mr.Fields left the gym leaving you standing alone once again.

Hours later school had ended and you were at work and helping a customer apply her makeup, under Mary's watchful eye of course, when you caught the scent of old spice and after-shave. You turned around ready to run but it was too late, he caught you.

"K-kara?"

"I'm with a customer." Mary shoved you and you glared at her. "If you need some help then I'm sure Mary here would be delighted to help you." You restrained yourself from sticking your tongue out at her as you palmed your dad off on Mary.

"I don't need nothing. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Like I said I'm with a customer, you'll have to wait." You didn't even bother pretending to be nice as you applied eyeliner to the boy's face. Another time you would have laughed at the irony.

"I'll wait then." He walked to a row of chairs and sat down.

"Pfft, good luck." You muttered under your breath. "Now you," you raised the boy's chin and twisted it left and right. "What about some false lashes?" The nervous boy nodded happily. "You're gonna look great."

Twenty minutes later you completed the boy's new look and gave him a few tips on what a good style would be for his short hair before you finally walked over to your father, after making absolutely sure everything was stocked and there were no more customers to be dealt with of course. "I'm going on break." You glared at Mary, waving your father to follow you into the back.

"That kid, that sort of thing happen often?" He asked nodding to the boy in line at the cashier.

"More often than you would think. What do you want?"

"Hey, I'm still your father. You shouldn't talk to me like that."

"Or what? You'll throw me out?" You were shaking with rage or fear you weren't really sure. It seemed to be dancing between the two.

"I had no part in that. I was asleep when it happened. I didn't even find out until the next morning."

"But you did find out and it's been like what, a month and you're just now here?"

"I didn't know where you were. I asked Erin but she refused to tell me." He smiled momentarily, "She was protecting you."

"Yeah, she tends to do that lately."

"I'm glad." You watched his hands fidget. Something you've never seen him do before.

"Why are you here?"

"My letter. Did you read it?"

"No." his face dropped. It was hard to stay mad when you could see the sad look on his face. "You know I'm not the best at expressing my feelings." You wanted to snap back angrily but his hangdog expression was steadily defusing your anger. "I wrote the letter...I wanted to explain." He sighed deeply. "A dad's supposed to make his sons strong. Sometimes that means being a hard ass. My dad...look okay, imagine there's a line of father's and sons reaching all the way back when. The dad hits his son as hard as he can and the son becomes a father and hits his son only a tiny bit softer, on and on it goes until now."

"Sounds like a great way to justify ****."

"No..." He groaned and sat in a chair, rubbing his face with his hands. "My dad was not a good dad, he kicked my ass in case I thought about stepping out of line. When you're young you swear you'll never be your dad until you have kids and you have no idea what you're doing. I'm, was, hard on you cause I didn't know any other way. But only when you'd done wrong and I never hit you."

"Then what happened in the basement?"

"Basement?" His face suddenly lit up with realization before filling with shame. "Right."

"Right. Maybe you need to go home and write another letter."

"No. I didn't want you to know this cause...I didn't want you to hate your mother but I guess that ship has sailed."

"What's she got to do with this?"

"That day, I caught you in a dress. I was pissed at Erin and you so I overreacted and took you to the basement to talk. I was supposed to just talk and be calm but I have never been good at that."

"What-What happened?" A lump formed in your throat as you **** the words out.

"I started out calm, I think, and asked why you let Erin dress you up like a girl and you told me you asked her too. I guess I got mad and yelled and your mother heard and came down and to find out what was going on and she lost it when she saw you."

"What do you mean lost it?" You finally sat in another chair on the opposite side of the small room.

"She picked you up and slammed you against the wall and she was screaming at you and I pulled you away from her and you just looked so out of it. I was scared as hell something happened but you clung to me so I figured you were okay."

"I wasn't though. I don't even remember that happening, or going down into the basement or anything before I was ten."

"You can't? Holy shit." He gasped in horror. "I didn't know. You never said-"

"Why would I when any time I brought up anything to do with how I felt I was yelled at?"

"I know I failed you, and I'm sorry. I'd like if we could start over and I wanna do better by you." You sneered and turned away from him as he stood. "I would like to get to know my daughter. I'll give you some time." You watched, wide-eyed as he started to walk away. He called you his daughter!

"I'm the same person." He stopped at the door hearing your voice. "Just...happy."

"I'm glad. You have my number. I'll let you get back to work."

Work, your one respite from the confusion of home and school was suddenly tainted probably for the better though as once again you were filled with hope, confusing hope, but hope nonetheless.