No, she trashes you

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Town Whore Emilia – Prepare to lose, mosquito bites.

• Diglett – Weak, Healthy
• Oddish – Weak, Healthy
• Mankey – Weak, Healthy

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VS

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Gym Leader Lieutenant Surge – That’s my line, cow chest!

• Pikachu – Fairly Weak, Healthy
• Magnemite – Weak, Healthy

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“Battles in the Vermilion Gym are two pokemon each. This is your last chance to back down and haul that shameful body of yours out of here,” Surge says, a determined expression on her face. Her concern is unneeded though. After your anatomical victory, your victory in battle is assured.

“Save your sympathy for that chest of yours. I’ll beat you and be out of here faster than your puberty,” you say coolly.

“Dead. You’re dead,” she states flatly. Grabbing a pokeball from her belt she sends out her first pokemon. You immediately recognize it, almost as if it’s been ingrained into your mind as some sort of mascot. It’s a Pikachu.

Let’s see here, Pikachu is Electric-type. What’s their weakness? Doesn’t electricity have no weakness, which is why we built our society on top of it like some sort of unstoppable engine of progress? No, that’s not right. Where did you see that recently? That sounds like some sort of propaganda. Oh right, Electric’s weakness is… Yes! You win automatically.

“Diglett, go!” you send out your starting pokemon, ready to take advantage of Electric’s weakness to Ground-type and put the puny “Lieutenant” Surge in her place. Off to the side, you hear your handful of spectating soldiers snickering to themselves.

“It’s a penis,” one says, allowing her laughter to spill out despite her best efforts. Or at least, despite SOME effort. Surge, on the other hand, just clenches her teeth. Probably because she knows she’s about to lose.

“Another one!? What, is there some cave around here full of Digletts or something? Why does everyone show up with these things!?”

Waving off her remark, you decide to make the first move. “Diglett, Magnitude!”

“Crap, Pikachu jump!”

The Pikachu jumps into the air, managing to dodge your opening move and deliver a Quick Attack in response. Diglett shakes it off, though. Time for you to employ your expert strategy.

“Diglett, Magnitude!” Brute **** is a strategy, right?

This time, Pikachu fails to get off the ground in time, and a powerful rocking motion causes Pikachu to discharge its electricity and fall over. Diglett burrows back over to you, and you pat it on the head for a job well done. “She’s touching the penis…” says one of the girls on the sidelines. They all giggle in turn.

“Grr, Pikachu return. I bet you think you’re some kind of hot shot, walking in here with a Ground-type and expecting to sweep up an easy victory. Magnemite, go!”

Ha, an easy victory indeed. “Diglett, Magnitude!” Diglett uses its ability, but nothing happens. “Uh… Diglett, Magnitude!” Still nothing. Surge begins chuckling to herself as a few more of your orders produce no results.

“Are you cheating or something!?” you cry.

“No you dumbass, my Magnemite is floating in the air. Of course you can’t hit it with a Ground attack!”

“But it’s not Flying-type, it’s Electric-type!” you object.

“But it’s in the- screw this. Magnemite, Sonicboom!”

A tremendous **** suddenly hits Diglett, leaving it looking exhausted after a single hit. You can’t give up now, though. If Magnitude won’t work, you’ll just have to try something else.

“Diglett, Scratch!” The only effect it seems to have is a painful screeching of nails against metal. A second Sonicboom finishes Diglett off.

Lt. Surge now wears an aggressive grin as she asks, “Who’s next, tits-for-brains?”

Hmm… you can’t rely on Mankey. Best case scenario, it just punches the metal pokemon and hurts its hands. Because punching metal hurts. Worst case, it leaves the gym and you lose on the spot.

“Go, Oddish! Use Poisonpowder!” A cloud of purple dust bursts forth at your opponent’s Magnemite, but when it clears, the pokemon seems completely unaffected.

A smug grin on her face, Surge simply snaps her fingers, prompting a high-pitched ringing to fill the gym. It momentarily feels like you’ve gone deaf, but it quickly clears and you issue another command to Oddish.

“Oddish, Stun Spore!” Though it reacts quickly, the way it carries out your command is a bit lacking. Oddish falls on its face and begins rolling around on the gym arena. “Oddish, what are you doing!?”

“What a shame! It looks too confused to keep fighting. Guess there’s nothing left to do but end the fight,” Surge taunts, raising her hands palms-up. “Magnemite, Sonicboom!”

Oddish does the only sensible thing in the situation by launching itself directly into the attack, making the already powerful hit even more damaging. The single hit is all it takes to knock Oddish out.

You fall to your knees, crushed by your defeat at the hands of the Confusion ailment. You were completely unprepared. You look up to see Surge has already made her way over to you, holding the same style of bikini you’ve been seeing so many other girls wearing. Uh-oh…

“What’s your name, kid?”

“Emilia…”

“Well, Emilia, consider yourself conscripted.”