He decides to rescue Lois

“Come with me, Lois,” Superman says commandingly. “I’ll take you away from this vile varlet.”

“You really expect me to just jump into your arms?" she asks. “After you’ve lied to me all this time.”

“Lied?” says Superman, hurt in his voice.

“You know what I mean, Smallville.”

“Smallville?” Superman repeats, as the penny drops. “What lies has this man been telling you.”

“Don’t try and deny it, Mr. Meek And Mild-Mannered Clark Kent. You really thought I’d be fooled by glasses and a kiss curl?”

“Okay, maybe I did lie to you, Lois,” he admits, “but it was to keep you and my friends safe from my enemies.”

“At least this guy’s been honest with me,” she says, as she gestures towards you.

“That guy?” says Superman, giving you a look of disdain. “He’s no better than Luthor, thinking he can buy people with money. What kind of sicko spends money just to buy a copy of their fantasy object to make love to?”

“This kind of sicko!” Lois screeches at him angrily, pointing at herself as her towel starts to slip. “But looks like I made a mistake. Wish I’d ordered Bruce now.”

“A mistake?” Superman says. “You surely can’t prefer this guy to me?” He points at you, his eyes turning red again. “How can he measure up to this?” He looks down at his crotch, where his excitement is on display.

“Well that’s only because I paid another fifty bucks to enhance you,” says Lois, still clearly angry. “Don’t think you can put that thing up, up and away in me, just because you feel like it. This guy might be a sicko deviant with girly towels, but at least he’s got good taste in women, and he knows how to satisfy.”

You look apologetically at a now-angry Man of Steel and hope Lois will go a bit easier on this monster she’s created.

“But for some reason, I now have a full knowledge of naughtiness,” says a surprised Man of Steel. “You wouldn’t believe how deviant I can get, my bitch whore slut.” And then his face turns red, amazed at the words that have just come out of his mouth.

“Great, I get the Bizarro Superman,” Lois says. “Still, just because you can talk the talk, doesn’t mean you can walk the walk. I bet even this guy’s more experienced than you, you Boy Scout of Steel.”

Superman looks at her, perplexed. “But I’ve done lots of practise in my Fortress of, erm, Solitude.” His face has now gone redder than his eyes were.

“Go away, Superman, leave the grown-ups alone.”

You feel sorry for your new nemesis, as a tear comes to his eye, and then, without further words, he turns away from you and flies away, and you see his red cape zooming off into the distance.

“So, you’re staying with me?” you ask Lois, as she stares wistfully into the distance. “Or were you just angry with Superman?”

Lois turns to you and answers you with actions rather than words.