"Bikini contest!"

“Welcome, everyone, to the official Epsilon Nu Phi bikini contest!”

A long catwalk and a stage have been set up on the lawns of the Upknott Gardens. It’s a bright sunny day. One by one, the sorority girls of Epsilon Nu Phi strut down the catwalk in their cutest bikinis, winking at the audience who sit in two long rows of folding chairs on either side.

“What a good idea, Tiffany,” says Jessica, as the two girls prepare to take their turn. “This is a great way to get some prestige for the sorority back, after all those stupid pranks the boys pulled on us!”

“Right! They won’t be able to match it. Nobody wants to see boys in tiny swimsuits!”

“Um… haha, yeah, definitely.”

“They must be furious right now,” says Tiffany, grinning. “And, look! The news crews from all the local TV stations are here! I didn’t think they’d show up! Epsilon Nu Phi’s going out live across the nation!”

“Wow! That’s so cool! Okay, get ready, Tiffany. We’re on!”

Tiffany, in her pink string-tie bikini, and Jessica, in her red one, strut cockily down the catwalk. Madison, Kristen and Victoria, in yellow, blue and green bikinis respectively, follow them down. They strike poses at the end of the catwalk, blowing kisses to all their followers.

“So that’s all of us, boys and girls,” shouts Tiffany. The TV cameras have her in their sights. Just as she wanted! “But I know you can’t get enough of us, so let’s see it one more time! Woo!”

The stage is covered with bikini girls, visible from all angles. More rush out onto the catwalk, dancing and chanting “Woo!”.

The five girls from the basketball team are clad in matching green bikinis, the official Upknott colours. Ki’s is black, with lightning bolts on the bra cups. Cass’s is plain white, and struggles to contain her voluptuous figure.

“Kitty, are you sure this is, you know… respectful to women?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. We’re taking control of our bodies!”

“Oh, okay,” says Lily, as she, Kitty and Beth stride out onto the catwalk in front of the hooting crowd. Hooting in a respectful way, though. All three wear striped American-flag bikinis, which is the only kind Epsilon had left in the spare bikini bin. “Wait, you’re right. Now that I’m out here, it’s actually really empowering!”

“Woo! I agree!”

“Even the cameras make me feel powerful!”

“Everyone, look at us! Haha! We’re in control!”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” shouts Tiffany, at the top of her lungs, as the bikini girls dance on stage to the fresh beat of top-40 summer hits. “Boys and girls! The greatest sorority in the world is back, baby! Give it up for…. EPSILON! NU! PHI!”

Chad, sitting in the front row in a baseball cap and giant sunglasses, presses the red button on a remote control concealed in his pocket.

Instantly the anti-bikini field generator, fabricated only last night by the eggheads of the Deltas’ groundbreaking experimental physics lab, and concealed only this morning beneath the stage while the Epsilons were all briefly distracted by a truck giving away free margaritas, hums to life. The entire stage / catwalk area is blanketed in an anti-bikini field.

Tiffany is standing at the catwalk’s end with her arms raised, smiling at the camera, when the top of her pink string-tie bikini comes undone and flies off to the right at seventy miles an hour. Her bikini bottom, at exactly the same time, in exactly the same way, comes undone and flies off to the left. It looks for all the world like they’ve been yanked away by invisible strings.

The exact same thing happens to every other bikini on the stage and catwalk. Each top and each bottom flies off stage in all kinds of different directions. Some land in trees, some land in nerds’ laps, some fly in orbit and some just seem to disappear.

The girls of Epsilon Nu Phi have, in the space of about half a second, been quickly and efficiently de-bikinied. This means, of course, that they’re now all standing on the catwalk stark naked.

There’s a long moment of silence.

Chad taps another button on his remote. Over the sound system, the song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini begins to play.