The Spirit of Freshers' Week )AKA The Rules)

On arriving back in his room, Andy was somewhat perturbed to find a pale and portly figure in a top hat hovering over his bed.

"Who and what the fuck are you? And how did you get into my fucking room?" he asked anxiously.

"Both fair questions, if posed a little impolitely" the stranger answered in an unusually echoey Midlands accent "Who I am, or was, is not important. You should think of me as the Spirit of Freshers' Week, a kindly being from a world beyond who each year takes pity on one utterly feckless, sexually inept, female repelling loser..."

"Hey!" Andy interrupted angrily.

"Please do not take offence - I'm on your side here, for I was once like you. Now I've come to aid your quest for love, using my beyond-the-grave magical powers to allow you to revisit your Freshers' Week experience as many times as you need to, until you get to fuck some hot chick you've eventually gotten to fall for you. You know, like in the Bill Murray movie"

"Who's Bill Murray? I don't really watch films"

The Spirit of Freshers Week pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he attempted to compose himself.

"I'll put it in Layman's terms. You will keep reliving the past five days..."

"Oh God, please no!"

"You will keep reliving the past five days until you achieve a flawless fuck. It can't just be any old shag, everything has to be just right. It has to be the perfect romantic moment, with the girl you truly like the most, and they have to like you back just as much. What's more, you will need to satisfy them between the sheets well enough for them to fall in love with you, so you can both live happily ever after. Only then may the cycle end."

"I think you have the wrong guy for this"

"Anyone can be the right guy with enough practice and, believe me, practising is the fun part"

Andy nodded at that. He would take any practice he could get right now. The Spirit continued with his spiel.

"Remember, whenever you return to the beginning, only you will know the week is repeating, or have any memory of previous events. It is basically impossible for you to fuck this up, and there will be no consequences for anything you do, so why not go wild with it? Walk into the girls locker rooms, fuck with that punk chick who was rude to you - or what about that pass that can let you into anyone's bedroom? That seemed like it could be fun"

"I guess"

"Which brings me to a very important point. There is a safe word, so if you ever seriously fuck things up early in the week, which I'm already guessing is likely to happen, you can use it to go straight back to the beginning. That word is Punxsutawney"

"Punkatory?"

"Punxsutawney"

"Puckastawny"

"Punxsutawny. You know, it's the name of the town in...Oh, that's right, you've not seen it have you? Anyway, Punxsutawney. It's seriously not that hard"

"Punkystormy"

"No, it's Punker....Dammit, you're making me forget how to say it now"

"Puskerstory"

"We'll change it to Pittsburgh"

"Okay"

"So, if you say the safe word of Pittsburgh, you will go right back to your arrival on Monday, and start the week again"

"Sure. Pittsburgh. Got it"

"There's one more thing you should know, before I depart" the spirit told Andy "Though their memories of you will not remain, any affection you build with any girl at any time will stay in their subconscious permanently, even when you reset to the beginning of another week. and the higher someone's affection level with you is, the more favourably they will behave towards you in all future runs, even when they view you as a stranger. To give you the best chance possible here, any annoyances or resentment you cause will be forgotten"

"Okay, that's really useful to know" Andy said, more out of politeness than anything as this still sounded like a load of old bollocks.

"Also, if you have full sexual intercourse with someone and it wasn't quite right, you'll be sent back to day one. That doesn't necessarily mean it was with the wrong person, the circumstances might just have been a little off"

"Right, I'll keep that in mind"

"Good luck Andy Aarons. I'll be watching over you. I know you can do this!"

With that, the spirit was gone.

Monday, September 3rd

Andy suddenly found himself standing in the street by the gates to the University entrance, wearing the same clothes he'd had on five days earlier.

"What the actual fuck?"

A car pulled up, and Leah stepped out.

"Yes, I'll call you tomorrow, once I've had time to settle in!"

Once she'd shut the door, she looked up to find Andy staring at her in bewilderment.

"Oh, hey. Arnold isn't it? Can I help you?"

"Yeah, er" Andy tried to compose himself despite the shock he was currently feeling "I guess we're both going to the same Uni then?"

"It certainly looks like it" Leah answered quickly "Sorry, Arnold, I've got to run"

There was no way that just happened. It was impossible. There was only one way to find out.

"Pittburgh"

Monday, September 3rd

Andy watched in disbelief as Leah's car pulled up to the curb once more, with her back in the passenger seat. This was incredible! It seemed the Spirit of Freshers Week was the real deal. Perhaps Andy wasn't going to die a virgin after all.

"Yes, I'll call you tomorrow, once I've had time to settle in!"

Leah shut the car door to find a slightly better prepared Andy feeling a little more ready for her this time.

"Hey"

"Hey, Leah, fancy seeing you here?"

"Indeed! It's Kevin isn't it?"

"It'a actually Andy"

"Of course, now I remember!" she told him unconvincingly "Well, It was great catching up with you, Andy, I've got to run though!"

"That's cool, but why don't we meet up at the cafeteria entrance later, say around six? Us Bristolians need to stick together!"

"Sure, I'll see you there!"

Leah seemed just as keen to get away from Andy as usual, but at least this time he'd secured himself a - well, hardly a date - but a conversation. It was more than he'd ever managed with Leah in the previous decade or so. Perhaps this whole Bill Murray movie thing was worth a shot after all.