Funny Pink Fucker

Emi stared at the glowing card, her mind a frantic scramble. "Twinning Vendetta? Verdant Green?" The words were insane, a fever dream of corporate jargon mixed with fantasy nonsense. She was a manager at a water parks accessories company, magic was real, that much was now undeniable, but this? This felt like a cosmic joke she wasn't in on.

What the hell was a 'Femme Familiar'? What the hell was a Femme-Fertile for that matter. The reward text was gibberish. Her 21st century brain, was hitting a blue screen of ****.

Then, a faint hissing sound drew her attention. From under the drafting desk, a plume of pink gas seeped out, coalescing in the air in front of her. It wasn't smoke; it was too substantial, too vibrant, a shimmering, opaque cloud that seemed to have a will of its own. It hovered at about chest height, pulsing gently.
Emi's breath caught in her throat, a cold dread washing over her. This was it. The psychotic break. Or perhaps it was an ‘oni’ to drag her to hell for her misdeeds. The gas cloud bobbed closer. A tiny, high-pitched voice, like a helium-addled chipmunk, echoed in her head.

Hello there!

Emi's control shattered. She let out a piercing shriek, a raw, animalistic sound of pure terror. She scrambled backwards, her high-heeled shoes skidding on the polished floor, until her back slammed hard against the wall. She flattened herself against it, trapped, her hands pressed to the cool surface as she stared wide-eyed at the shimmering pink menace. The cloud surged forward, its pulsing quickening. And it, too, started screaming, a high-pitched, wailing shriek

'AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

The cacophony filled the plush boardroom, a symphony of pure, unadulterated terror. Emi squeezed her eyes shut, her heart hammering against her ribs like a trapped bird. This was her end. Gobbled up by a pink fart cloud. She waited for the inevitable, for the cold embrace of whatever eldritch horror this thing was. A second passed. Then another. The screaming continued. Puzzled, she risked opening one eye.

The pink cloud was still there, still screaming its little head off. But it was just... hovering. Not attacking. Just screaming in unison with her. Her panic subsided slightly, replaced by a creeping, surreal confusion. She stopped screaming. The cloud stopped screaming. A beat of stunned silence hung in the air.

Shit, the chipmunk voice squeaked in her head, why are we screaming?

Emi stared, her jaw slack. "What?" she breathed out, the word barely a whisper.

What? the cloud squeaked back.

It took a full ten seconds for the gears in Emi's brain to grind into motion. She had been panicking, and the... thing... had simply mirrored her panic, assuming there was a threat. It hadn't been menacing her; it had been joining her. It was... stupid. A hysterical, unhinged laugh bubbled up from her chest. "You were screaming because I was screaming?"

Well, yeah! the cloud projected, its edges rippling with what she now interpreted as indignation. You're the boss! You scream, I scream! It's basic Familiar-Mistress protocol, isn't it?"

Emi was out of her depth but she wasn't stupid "You're Verdant Green? But...you're pink...and a..cloud."

The cloud drew itself up. Emi wouldn't be able to describe how an amorphous cloud without features could appear offended but somehow it did. "Wow. Did you just say that? Kick a familiar when he's down. Ignorant. And immediately going to physical appearance as well. Wow. Well I guess humans haven’t improved their manners in the last three hundred years. Would you say that about a human?"

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry" Emi stammered.

"I just don't think that if say you saw a massive carnival float like Kyle, a real land whale. Like that guy is faaaat. I don't think you'd be as cruel" the cloud's telepathic voice was now high pitched and whiny. "You might as well have just called me a gas leak, like a bad fart. And my name is Verdant Green! Not Pink Cloud.
I'd have preferred you called me Pink Cloud to be honest."

"I'm sorry," Emi said again, this time a little more sincerity in her voice. "It's just... a lot to take in."

"You're telling me," Verdant Green huffed, its form drooping slightly. "One minute I'm a concept, a whisper on the magical wind not been in the physical world for 330 years, the next I'm poof, manifested and my mistress is having a meltdown because she achieved an S-Class rating. Some people are just never happy."

Emi began to realise maybe this Cloud was leading her on a bit. But the cloud had a point. She HAD been told what was coming. She had just assumed it was all a metaphor.

Sensing its mistress's hesitation, Verdant Green seemed to relent. 'Look, let’s start over. I'm Verdant Green, your Familiar. I'm pink because... that's just my vibe right now, okay? It could change. And you're Emi Watanabe, the newly minted Chaos Bawd, Smut Jester, and maybe Trickster Breeding Witch to be. A real overachiever. The last S-Class was a Dutch woman in 1622 who convinced an entire convent of nuns to get knocked up by a troupe of travelling actors for a bet."

A memory of Hana and Suki's pretty faces flashed in Emi's mind. "So... what you're saying is, Suki and Hana... the twins... they count?"

Oh, they count big time," Verdant Green chirped, its pink form suddenly swelling with pride. "And the lesbian **** bonus? That's the stuff of legends! We're talking top-tier, high-octane chaos! And it's all thanks to you, boss-lady! We're gonna go places!"
Emi leaned back against the glass, the cool surface a stark contrast to the feverish heat of her thoughts.

"Anyway I wouldn't worry about this Breeding Pass. I'm sure a witch of your talents has already worked out a magical contraceptive spell. And anyway, a cosmopolitan 21st century lady is going to have mundane regular contraceptives, right?" Verdant Green said.

"No, I'm not on the pill, not that I think it works to be honest, and of course I don't know any spells. I only learnt magic was real maybe a few hours ago" Emi said with frustration

"Oh. Oh dear." Verdant Green's pulsing slowed, its pink hue dimming to a mournful magenta. "That's... a significant strategic oversight. Like invading Russia in winter or Russia invading Ukraine. Or trusting Ethan with anything more complicated than a coffee order. Or telling a Fertile Familiar you're not on protection for that matter

The mournful magenta of Verdant Green's form suddenly brightened back to a vibrant, almost manic pink. The chipmunk voice in Emi's head lost its apprehensive tone and returned to its previous cheerful insolence. crescendos. What a triumph…for me that is….I’ve been blue balling for three centuries!

Emi stepped back “Wait, whaa….whaat do you mean?”

The pink cloud drifted closer, stopping directly in front of her face, its core shimmering intently.

Without any protection, boss... I'm gonna knock you up myself.