Chapter 36 – Suzy helps Paris

I’ve been growing more and more comfortable with Suzy. Talking to her has gone from constantly having my guard up, being nervous, feeling like every single thing I say has to match a lie that I said earlier, to feeling more like I’m talking to a good friend or maybe even the sister that I never had. It took a few visits for me to realize that she wasn’t necessarily dressing casually, it just looked casual with how I was dressed since I saw her immediately after work.

By now I’ve got all my chickens in a row and have my lies as close to my real life as possible so that I can actually chat with her. I can talk about going out with Trixie, I just have to change her name to Darnell. I talk about Mal and the confusing way he treats me and just remove any thoughts of not liking him or how he treats me. I talk about Grace and how I’m working at being more of a ‘woman’ of the house for her. During our last session, I even told her how Grace had become quite dominant and sexual in our relationship. I didn’t get to finish as I had to get back to the office, but Suzy was calm, cool, and collected today and we just picked right up.

“So, it really opened my eyes as I’ve never been with someone like that. I mean, I’m not dominant by any means, but I’ve never had someone just command me like that and it felt so… well, it felt really arousing. I know Grace is like that with a lot of her lovers, but she’s never turned that attitude toward me before and it felt special.”

Suzy asked if it was a one-off deal and I looked down at my long fingernails as I played with the hem of my tight blue skirt, “Well, no. Tri… I mean, Darnell was out of town, so I stayed in all weekend. And Grace just treated me that way from Friday night to Monday morning. We didn’t talk about it, we didn’t set up any rules, we just slipped into those roles and played them out. I got up and made her breakfast. I started helping her with some work she brought home but she paused and made me get fully dressed for work. Everything. My tight pink vest blouse, my extra tight black pencil skirt, dark stockings, full matching lingerie, heels, and even my jewelry. She just sat around while I got ready, but when I came back, it was like we were playing office. It sounds bizarre because we both work in an office and were doing real work, but it still felt like we were playing a scene. I just fell into calling her Ms. Thompson and she constantly called me Miss Beaufort. And yeah, once she was finished with the tasks it turned purely into a sex game. She even had me get under her desk, which we were using our dining room table as a stand in for, and I licked her out then and there. And she really made it real. She called into the office and spoke with someone on her team while she held me back, just teasing and keeping herself aroused with my tongue.”

I fold my hands in my lap and continue, fully opening up, “I mean the feeling of submissiveness, I think that’s what it is anyway, that feeling is just like I felt with Mal. It’s only been a few days, but he hasn’t done that since so I can’t really compare, but it… is it tapping into something deep inside me? Might I really be a submissive person at heart?”

When I look up at Suzy, I almost immediately regret opening up that much. Her tone hasn’t changed one bit, but she’s taken what I’ve said in the wrong way. The way wrong way. “I don’t think submissiveness is as open and shut as you’re making it out to be Paris. Some people really are submissive in their whole life. But most are submissive at certain times or with certain people. It sounds like Grace really opened up this in you and you’re enjoying the exploration, where Mal dappled just the one time in it but plays a far more constantly dominant role in your life. You should talk to him about it, tell him that you’d like him to step up his game as a trial. You should talk to him about the sex too. You said neither of you discussed it afterward. He worked very hard at making you feel good, and you didn’t even thank him. In fact, that’s an exercise I want you to do. I want you to thank him for giving you an orgasm the way he did, and while you do it, I want you to be thinking of Grace and her demeanor. Mentally this will help combine your sexual satisfaction with Mal, your sexual arousal with Grace, your groomed submissive feeling with Grace, and what I believe may be a similar submissive tendency toward Malachi.”

Between telling Suzy that I was ‘straight’ and attracted to men and continuing and even compounding that lie many times over, and with the habit that Mal’s getting me into of bragging about having sex with him in the office, I slipped up and told Suzy about Mal bending me over the desk. I just changed it so that I enjoyed it and wasn’t humiliated by it. So of course, to Suzy, thanking Mal for that act shouldn’t be a problem. But there is no way in hell that I am going to thank him for that.

I tell Suzy that I think I’ll pass on thanking him but as she does every time I don’t immediately fall in line with what she wants me to do, she asks why. And why is the lie, so I hem and haw and make up a reason. Being shy. Which, after we talk about how my demeanor and dress say otherwise, Suzy states that she believes my hesitancy is because I have a crush on Mal and may have more romantic feelings toward him instead of simply professional, sexual, or submissive feelings.

We go back and forth more, but I start to feel like I’m digging a deeper and deeper hole. Eventually I accept Suzy’s terms that I’ll get Mal alone and thank him specifically for attending to me sexually and for awakening the submissive feelings inside me.

When she asks if there is anything else about my feminine journey that’s bothering me, I immediately jump on the opportunity to change the subject. I probably should have thought it through though.

“Yeah, tucking. It’s, uh, like, not great.”

As Suzy just keeps looking at me, I kick myself internally as now I have to come up with a ‘problem’ I’m having tucking. I could have said a dozen different things to take the conversation away from thanking Mal for the humiliating finger fucking he gave me, but I chose something that’s working out fairly well.

I decide to throw something out that we can talk about but that I know Suzy can’t really do anything about. “I mean, everything is feeling more right all the time. Like, more feminine. More girly and good. But when Grace or Darnell or Mal touch me down there, it’s like being dunked in cold water and the whole thing feels like, you know, a costume instead of me transitioning.”

I shrug and try not to smile, knowing that I’ve probably saved myself and taken up the rest of our session on talking about me wanting to be more feminine. It’s a win-win scenario, especially since there’s nothing Suzy can suggest as I’m already using a gaff.

Suzy nods and writes some notes in her little book before looking back up at me, “I see. That actually makes sense. Your hormone labs are showing a lot of progress in that area. Your body is taking to the hormones eagerly. But with that kind of body reaction, you might be experiencing some of the side effects, including your penis, testicles, and scrotum growing smaller. It could make tucking initially easier, but depending on how you grow when aroused, you might not be as secure when getting hard. I assume it’s noticeable when you’re aroused as you mention it with your lovers Darnell, Mal, and Grace, right?”

I feel that same sickening tightening in my stomach whenever I hear Darnell and Mal come up as my ‘lovers’. Yes, I just talked about them in the same manner, but it hits harder hearing Suzy repeat it back to me. I try to just nod in return and focus on not turning green as Suzy continues, “Okay, well there are some more **** products we can try. I normally mention them to my patients earlier, but you were doing so well with your gaff that I assumed you were small enough for it to not matter. I forgot that there’s a limit to just how small you can be for good tucking…”

I do my best to maintain eye contact and nod appropriately to whatever Suzy is saying but I can’t get over what she’s said. That my problem might be from having too small of a penis. It doesn’t matter that my problem is completely fake, it still bothers me that THAT is what she automatically assumes. Especially when she says it could be a result of the hormones. I haven’t exactly measured myself but I’m fairly sure I haven’t shrunk. Then again, it’s hard to say as I just look so different being shaved smooth all the time. My little guy never looks normal after I pull off the panties and gaff after a long day anyway. But still… it’s NOT SMALL!

I snap back to what Suzy is saying as I see the look in her eyes, that she’s seeking an answer, “…so how do you feel about that?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, what did she just say? She’s too damned smart and it always ends up trapping me. I know if I ask her to repeat herself, she’ll know I wasn’t listening. And why wasn’t I listening? I can’t tell her I’m worried about my penis getting smaller as that should be a victory to a ‘girl’ like me. No, she’d think I’m not listening because the tucking wasn’t a real problem. Which it wasn’t, but that’s just worse as she’ll wonder why I brought it up. And of course, she’ll think I brought it up so that we’d stop talking about me thanking Mal for holding me down on his desk and forcing me to scream out an orgasm against my will… or that I’m secretly in love with him as Suzy would put it… and I absolutely don’t want to go back to talking about that.

My mind made up, I smile and nod emphatically. “That sounds great! Can you make sure that you, um, write that out in my clinic notes? So that I can, like, see them online?”

Suzy pulls her laptop over and starts typing away at it, “Oh don’t worry about that Paris. As I said, the surgeon will go over the specifics with you and will offer his best suggestion. Just remember, the choice is still yours. You can go with the temporary trial and try it out, but I’d suggest the medium ground and commit to it for a while. See how it feels.”

Surgeon? His suggestion? Commit to ‘it’? Oh shit.

Suzy reaches out and pats my knee while smiling, “You don’t have to worry about anything Paris. Once I saw that you already had an appointment with Dr. Gold at Sculpted Dream it was easy to add this to your appointment and request a consultation from their in-house gender counselor. They’ll have access to our notes so that she can offer good advice on which product to use. I can’t wait to see you at your next appointment and see what you’ve selected!”

I didn’t dare dig the hole any deeper by asking what I’d evidently agreed to. At least I’ll be with Stephen, and he can help me keep whatever this gender counselor suggests on the down low or even direct us to something… I don’t know, something not horrible?

I try to calm myself by remembering that I at least don’t have to actually thank Mal for attending to me sexually or for awakening the submissive feelings inside me, but as Suzy walks me to the door she drops that she’ll call in and check up on me at work. Include confirming with Mal that I thanked him for those intimate things. So now if I didn’t want to thank Mal for finger banging me and making me feel small, I had to figure out something else humiliating to thank him for so he can tell Suzy that I did it.

On the train trip home, I focused on planning out the week so that I wouldn’t get too anxious. Tomorrow, Wednesday, would be a normal day at work. I could find a quiet moment and ‘thank’ Mal for something, so that when Suzy calls he’ll confirm that I thanked him for something intimate. Mal would normally drive me home, but we’re not faking our dates anymore so that’s easy enough and I’ll just take the train. Grace might want to fool around, and I still haven’t worked out a way to say no or even suggest we slow down. And since she seems perfectly happy with me sexually servicing her and not even acknowledging that I’d probably like to be sexually satisfied myself, let alone tending to my needs herself, she has no reason to NOT drag me into her bedroom, or lay us out on the couch where I’ll make her scream and end up with a case of blue balls. Thursday I can be spared and go out with Trixie as she promised me a date night. And then the surgical consult is on Friday.

So, there’s no reason to spend useless time worrying about what Suzy set up for me. It’ll happen at the end of the week. What can happen between now and then?

When I get home, I’m surprised to see that Grace is already there. She must have made special arrangements to get out this early as every department is putting in extra hours to do the due diligence on the upcoming McGregor deal. I toss the idea of at least getting out of these clothes away, and know that I’ll be prancing around the apartment all night in these damned heels and skirt.

After I get Grace a glass of wine, she has me kneel on the floor in front of her. It’s shocking how calm she looks. Everything about our conversation, including our tone of voice, is perfectly normal. Normal, except that Grace is sitting comfortably on the couch drinking a glass of wine while I kneel on my knees before her. I tell her about my day, now knowing that she wants me to focus on the most feminine aspects of it. Checking my makeup. Doing my nails. Flirting with the guys and getting hit on by them in return. And of course, Mal. Today was light as he only had me on his lap once and it was just for a few minutes while we wrote out a memo to the accounting department.

After talking about my day, Grace adds something new to our dynamic. She shifts position on the couch and extends one of her feet toward me. I’ve never been a particular fan of feet. Before this whole Paris thing I barely took care of my own feet, let alone rubbed someone else’s. But it was clear that’s exactly what Grace expected of me. And she knows how I feel about it. My hesitation is ended with her simple but direct “Do It Paris!”

And for the next forty minutes while she watched her recorded Drew Barrymore show, I get to practice my foot massage techniques.