Kinda Cool

I find the book where Grandpa said it would be. The cover showed my father coming over a rise, his skis hovering a foot off the ground, tucked into a tight pose for gaining maximum speed down the slope. It was bordered in a bright orange-red and in bold yellow letters across the top it reads ‘Blaze of Glory’ and across the bottom ‘The Blaise Nilsen Story’. I lay my fingertips over the heroic man on the glossy cover, still not believing that this was real. Taking the book to the galley I fix myself a tea then sit at the table and start to flip through the pages.

The book turns out to be as much an advertisement for Ehkolie as it was a biography of our favored son. Through a series of photos and short snippets of one or two paragraphs I learn about Blaise’s childhood growing up on the island, his teen years where his natural athleticism and thirst for thrills made him stand out from the crowd, his meteoric rise through the world of alpine skiing culminating in that bronze medal at the ’02 games, his short-lived stint dabbling in the heli-skiing and the more **** snow sports, then finally the injury that **** his retirement from competitive pursuits.

Early on I am fascinated to see him as a youth exploring many of the same slopes and valleys that I knew so well from my own explorations. It was surreal to see so many photos of him around town and at the oh so familiar school that I’d gone to myself. Where I was always trying to blend into the background my father stood out like a beacon among the crowd despite his diminutive stature. With each passing page I saw again and again that bright smile that reminded me so much of my own. In the stage of life I found myself in now Blaise was winning races and making headlines in places with cool names like Chamonix and Zermatt and Whistler and Jackson Hole. There was no stocking shelves at the local grocery for him. Through the final pages I marvel at the ****-defying risks he’d taken, pushing his skills to the limit and ultimately beyond them. It was a fascinating rise and fall complete with the fairy tale ending where he met his nurse-princess and lived happily ever after. The very last picture in the book showed Blaise with that trademark grin standing with his wife and first child, who was just an infant when this book was published.

I stare at that final photo for a long time wondering where I might have fit into the life that I’d just watch unfold had he known I existed. Would I have been standing here beside him? Or would he have disowned his bastard son for the mistake that I was? Flipping back to his visit to the island just before the Salt Lake Olympics I study each picture closely, each time wondering if they’d been taken before or after his encounter with my unfaithful mother.

A strange feeling came over me as I looked at the man that had charmed my mom into bed for a one-night stand. I found myself…happy for her. She might have considered Blaise the biggest mistake of her life but he’d been a necessary stepping stone to getting her away from Dad and getting him out of our lives for good. Our lives was no picnic afterward but I had no doubt in my heart that him leaving was the best thing to ever happen to us.

I am still flipping back and forth through the book when Winona comes lurching through the door. Her face was still pale but it was much healthier shade than the green it was earlier.

“Hey.” I say.

“Hey baby.” She opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water and chugs down a couple of gulps before letting out a small burp.

I giggle. “F-Feeling better?”

“Mmm.” She hums, neither confirming nor denying. “I think the pills are helping but…hrp! I dunno.” She shuffles over and forces me down the bench so that she could squeeze in beside me. Setting down her bottle she wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my neck before letting out the most pitiful little groan. “Ohhhh.”

“Awww.” I gently pat her head which was resting on my shoulder. “You’ll be okay.”

“My people were born of the plains, not the sea. I’m not built for this.”

“I’m sorry.” I stroke and I soothe. “You need anything?”

“Mmm.” She kisses my neck. “I’ll be okay. I’m just bein a big sucky-baby.”

Kissing her back I whisper. “G-Good thing I’m here to look after you then.”

“Mmm.” She lifts her head and smiles. “I like that.” Looking to the open book in front of me she tilts her head in curiosity. “I’m surprised you’re not up on deck or visiting Gramps. What’s this?” I close the book to show her the cover. “Blaise Nilsen? Never heard of him.”

“He’s one of the island’s m-most famous people.”

“Huh.”

“He’s also…m-my father.”

“Oh. Oh!” Her eyes widen. “Him? Grandpa told you?”

I nod and pat the book. “This is him.”

“No way!” She slides the book closer so that she could start going through it herself. “Ha! He’s hot.” Slipping her arm around me she pulls me in tight. “Why am I not surprised. Oh shit! Oh shit! The Olympics! Daaamn.”

“Y-Yeah.” I say softly, watching the pages turn. “He was quite a g-guy.” After a pause I correct myself. “Is. Is q-quite a guy. It’s weird knowing he’s out there j-just…living his life.”

“We gonna visit him? Is he still on the island?”

I shake my head. “Grandpa says he’s in Washington. Enumclaw.”

“That’s not so far away.” She rubs my shoulder then rustles my hair, sensing correctly that I could use a little physical and emotional contact right now. “Look at this guy. He’s trouble with a capital T. He’s gorgeous and he knows it. Look at the way the girls are looking at him. Ha! Didn’t I tell ya he’d be some tom cat?”

“You did.”

“Mama Beckett sure could choose’em.”

“Winona!”

“He he he! Oh shit!” She exclaims as she turns the page to see him in free fall between a helicopter and peak of pure white snow below. “He’s a wild child!”

“He doesn’t do that anymore.” I say. “An injury f-**** him to give it up.”

“Bound to happen I guess.” She continues flipping. “But man, it looks like he squeezed every drop of living out of his peak years. I bet he’s got some amazing stories to tell.”

“Yeah.”

“Ha.” She gives me a shake. “That’s so cool.”

“I guess.”

“You guess? He’s the kinda guy they write books about. Like a superhero or something.”

“I dunno.”

“You kiddin me? He’s like the raddest dad ever.” She says. “Don’t tell Pops I said that.”

“I won’t.” I giggle.

Her infectious cheerfulness was definitely brightening my mood. Just her presence alone had lifted me. With her arm around me I watch Winona turn the pages. While the pictures were the same my perspective was rapidly shifting. While I was sitting alone I’d let my dark side get the better of me. Just like Grandpa told me NOT to do I had been comparing myself to this dynamo and found myself lacking. But with her at my side I realized that all these things that made Blaze so special were none of the things I wanted or needed. Had he known of me my life might have turned out completely differently. Maybe he would have gotten custody. Maybe he would have taken me away from an abusive situation. And had he done that…I never would have bonded with Grandpa or met Winona. I’d be a different person living a different life. And, for all of its challenges, I quite liked my life just the way it was. Suddenly my father’s larger than life story didn’t seem a curse but a blessing. His story didn’t make mine any more or any less, it just made all the more unique. All the more my own. How cool was it that I had a connection to this man? Pretty damn cool!

“He is k-kinda cool, isn’t he?”

“Damn right he is.” She gets to the last page which showed him and his wife and their first daughter. “Aw. That’s nice.”

“Yeah.” I softly touch the photo. “This was ten years or more ago. They’re still together. Happily married. They’ve got two kids now. Two daughters.”

“That’s so nice.”

Sitting taller I flip back through the book to the early pages that showed him at school. “He has a st-stutter. Just like me.” I say with a little pride beginning to peek through. “And he’s sm-small, like me. But he still lived a b-big life.”

“Fun sized. Just the way I like’em.”

“He he he.”

She smooches my cheek and nuzzles into it. Her lips and nose pressed to my cheek she holds me close for a few lovely seconds as the motion of the waves rock us like babies in a cradle.

“Oh. Oh! I gotta get back to the hammock!”

“Uh oh!”

“Erp!”

“Let m-me help…”

“Gotta go.” She pushes off of me and hurries for the door. “Gotta go!”

“I’ll make you that t-tea I promised!” I call after her.

“Thank youuuu.” Her voice fades off as she bolts back up onto deck.

I sit quietly a moment looking at ‘Blaze of Glory’. I nod, though I’m not sure why, then close the cover with a smile.