Sadie grows comfortable

Sarah and I followed in her Mustang behind Marley’s Mercedes to the local burger joint. I have to smile as I remember being here several times a week while living on my own, but I haven’t been back since taking up Sarah on her offer to help me. McFive Kings is about as basic as it can get for a college town burger place. They have burgers, cheeseburgers, chicken burgers, fries, sodas and shakes. And that’s it. The burgers are greasy, and the shakes are made with real ice cream and it’s all delicious.

Marley packs away a couple cheeseburgers, a large order of fries, and a big chocolate shake all on his own while Sarah and I each have a chicken burger, share a small order of fries, and get a strawberry shake with two straws. Throughout the drive to the restaurant and eating with my friends I feel myself continue to relax. It’s over. There were a lot of things about the last few months that I didn’t like and even regret, but the one thing that I truly hated and feared is gone. Todd is gone. Marley even laughs and lets us listen to two recordings from Todd’s phone microphone. One was him calling Professor Green and saying that he was leaving town and couldn’t finish the last lab work. The second was a little harder to make out but made sense when Marley noted it was Todd packing up his apartment.

Just before we left, Louis called and made sure I was doing okay. Unlike Sarah he didn’t’ even try to apologize for going against my wishes and said his only regret was that he couldn’t be there to hurt Todd more personally.

When we said goodbye to Marley in the parking lot, I made sure to give him a long warm hug as well as a soft kiss, thanking him for his gallantry. Marley was nice and said it was his pleasure and that he was looking forward to us working out on Friday.

By the time Sarah and I got home it was too late for either of us to get any good streaming in. Sarah hinted at us having sex, but I was already overwhelmed and politely declined, saying I was looking forward to a good night’s sleep. After a lovely affirmational devotional, reminding myself that I’m sexy, that men want me, that I’m graceful, that I entice, and that I’m a woman, I fall into a deep calm, dreamless slumber.

The next day is quite busy as I don’t want to ignore my audience, but it’s near the end of the semester and I have to spend quite a bit of time on finishing up all of my classes. I squeeze in a couple vlogs between my finals in Advanced Lit, Calculus, and of course Chemistry. When I submit that last essay for Advanced Lit at just before midnight, I know that I’m not finished until I get the grades back, but I can at least relax knowing that all the work is done.

The next morning, I feel even more relaxed. I know that I’m still getting my head around the fact that Todd isn’t a part of my life any longer, but I don’t quite realize what’s making me so composed and easygoing until I’m in the middle of a stretch with Marley. Lying flat on my back I have my hands just behind my left knee while pulling my leg almost straight up. I can really feel my hamstring stretching out. Marley meanwhile is kneeling just above my head, his knees on either side of my face while he holds my raised sneakered foot and helps me hold the position. Of course, my view, when I look up, is of Marley’s bike shorts showing the clear shape of his cock down his left leg. I’d be surprised if he couldn’t feel me breathing out and know that this is one of his sensual exercise poses.

While my eyes trace Marley’s large member and I focus on my breathing, I realize this might be the first time that I haven’t blushed or felt my nerves crackle as Marley and I worked out. Yes, I’d grown used to the overt sexual overtones of having Marley’s hands on me or being in frankly erotic poses with him, but it still bothered me on some level that isn’t getting to me today. And it’s the fact that Todd was done. As much as I tried to remain in the present when I was with Marley or Louis, my subconscious couldn’t keep Todd from sneaking into those moments. When I’d see Marley above me, a small part of me was imagining it was Todd. Now all I see is my friend. My confidant.

I let that notion stay in my head as we continue to work out. When we move into some cat and cow stretches, me on my hands and knees and flexing my back while Marley presses up behind me and holds my waist, I smile to myself and take a move that I haven’t ever done before. At first, I was stiff and nervous when Marley would be in a similar position. Later I could relax, but I was focused on the exercise and not the sensual nature of it. Now, as Marley guides my back to flex up and down, I take the movement and enhance it, pushing my curvy soft rear up against his thighs. Against his groin.

When I hear Marley suck in a surprised breath and feel him throb against my rear I don’t stop and instead double down, staying pressed up against him and rubbing up and down in rhythm of his back stretches.

For the first time since Marley came into my life, we have a two-way flirting workout. I even go further as we work on my feminizing exercise… playing with my hair in a flirting manner… and end up flirting my way into his lap.

After we finish and Marley gives me my shot, taking some extra time to cup and pat my baby smooth ass cheek, I walk him to the door but stop before opening it for him. I try to let my mind do it’s thing and say what my subconscious is trying to get out rather than focusing on the words themselves. “Marley, I can’t think you enough for what you’ve done for me. For getting rid of Todd. I didn’t realize how much he was affecting me. Making me tense and doubtful even when I was with you. I…”

Marley leans down, cups my face, and gives me a gentle but insistent kiss. When we part, he stays close so I’m looking right into his big beautiful brown eyes, “Sadie, you don’t ever need to thank me for being a friend. I’m happy that your friend convinced me to step up.”

I can feel my cheeks color as Marley refers to Louis, making me even more present for what I’m about to ask. “I can appreciate that, but I won’t take your friendship for granted. In fact, I think I’m ready to… you know… try that… um… that…”

Marley’s chuckle stops me from stumbling over myself and I nod excitedly when he asks “You mean you want to do a sex workshop, right?”

Pulling out his phone Marley taps a few things before asking absentmindedly “Tonight good enough for you?” My silence seems to be answer enough as he continues to work until he turns the phone around and lets me see a reservation at a local hotel.

His voice seems full of pride and happiness, “Meet me in the hotel bar at 7. We’ll have a drink then go up to the room. You will be in complete control of this situation. This won’t be assumed consent and certainly not consensual ****. You’ll say yes to everything before we do it physically. And know this Sadie…” Marley leans in and gives me another soft kiss “…if you need to stop or even just want to slow down, I won’t mind at all. Your comfort is exactly what we’re going to be working on so it’s paramount that you feel okay. Okay?”

This time it’s me standing up on my tip toes to give Marley a kiss as a means of acknowledgement.

I can feel a fun tingle over my skin, especially on my lips, as I watch Marley back out of the driveway and drive away. I recognize that Sarah must have been listening in when I don’t hear her entering the room but instead just clear her throat. “That, Sadie, was adorable!”

My blush returns to color my cheeks as I turn around and put on a playful pout for my apartment mate. “You seem to really get off on seeing me with a man!”

Sarah returns my playfulness by putting her fingers on her chin, looking up and to the right as if in deep thought, then smiling and nodding emphatically, “I really DO get off on seeing you with a man!”

We both break out into giggles as we meet in the middle of the room and hug. I try my best to not focus on the mixed emotions deep in my belly. Happiness, pride, and anticipation of tonight are all there. But they’re swirling right along with worry, doubt, and apprehension. I’m able to keep from thinking too deeply as to why I’m feeling these ways while I clean up the living room, shower, and get a quick stream in before lunch.

Sarah joins me for tuna salad and fruit and in between bites we chat. Sarah, for her part, is holding back her obvious excitement for me going on a ‘date’ with Marley and tries to talk about it logically. “Look, you’re going to meet in the bar, right? So, you’ll be in public for at least a bit and should dress appropriately. I’m not saying you should go in full slut mode, but you should look good for your man.”

After rolling my eyes at the ‘your man’ barb, I sigh and nod knowing that she’s right. “You’re not wrong. I should have nixed the idea of meeting in the bar though. I’ll be nervous enough as is.”

After finishing chewing Sarah points her fork at me to make her point, “I think he put you in public to relax you. You’re obviously going in with your nerves running high, but you know how to act in public. It’s just like performing in front of the camera. If you meet, kiss, share a drink, and have a bit of conversation as two people out on a date, you’ll naturally relax a bit and get into the role as opposed to being a trembling mess walking into a hotel room to have sex lessons with a big, tall black stud!”

I nearly **** on a piece of pineapple, giving Sarah time to continue, “I think the more you lean into it, into this being a date first, the more you’ll be receptive to what he has to teach you later in the hotel room. Dress like you would for Louis, trying to be pretty and attractive for him. Wear your special perfume. Get your nails done. Maybe even have Marci or Ella give your hair a quick new style. Oh, and you should wear your princess plug!”

My eyes must have shown my surprise and shock at her suggestion of the plug as Sarah nods and explains herself. “Don’t give me that look! You know damned well that it makes you feel sexy, feel more like a woman. It’s worked with Louis, it’s worked for your streams, and it’s worked for you. You don’t want to go into this feeling like Nick at all and the plug will help keep you firmly in Sadie and Princess BabyDoll territory.”

I understand what she’s saying but I’m not sure she understands what it means deep down to me. “But… I mean, I agree, the plug, the perfume, the sexy clothes, they’ll all help me be feminine and prepared but… I can’t help but go into this feeling at least a little bit like Nick. That’s… that’s the real me after all. Isn’t that part of the point? Finding out if I’m… uh… gay?”

For a moment I think Sarah is going to lay into me as at first she looks upset. I realize though that it’s not anger she’s emoting… it’s a dawning realization of what’s going on in my head. “Sadie, you, you’re not… gay.”

I nod, “Well, yeah. If I’m with a guy I’m gay, right? I mean, under all this…” I gesture at my body, knowing that she’ll understand what I mean “… I’m still just me. Nick. A guy. A guy who has always been straight. A guy who never thought about having sex with another guy before. Gah, this is so hard to make sense of, but I’m not opposed to learning that I’m gay or even bisexual, but it’s still more than just me playing the part of a girl and seeing if she’s attracted to men. You see that, don’t you?”

As I finish, Sarah is already shaking her head negatively, “No, I don’t see that at all Sadie. I think if that’s what you were and only what you were, Nick the straight guy, you’d have broken down and never made it this far. Nick the straight guy might have been able to do his hair and look pretty for the camera, but he wouldn’t have been able to get breasts. He wouldn’t have gone out on multiple dates with a man. This isn’t about suppressing what you are or finding out that you were living a lie, it's about finding out who you really are. It’s not just sexual desires, it’s about sexuality and gender. You haven’t been a ‘straight guy’ for a long time Sadie. You’re more woman than man. I’m not saying that you’re trans, but you’re certainly somewhere between the binary poles of ‘Man’ and ‘Woman’.”

I feel myself sit back as Sarah goes on. I wonder how I never thought of this in these terms before. It seems so obvious. “Look, if I had to put a term on it, I’d say you were gender non-binary. Queer. Gender fluid. Bigender. Something like that. But a label really isn’t important. What’s important is you accepting that you aren’t who you used to be and that there isn’t a right or wrong answer right now. You shouldn’t just feel okay to explore… you should feel empowered to do so. Find out what your soul really is without all this flesh or society’s judgement getting in the way.”

I know its going to take me a bit to get my head around this, but at least initially, Sarah is making a lot of sense. I was a straight guy in the past, but maybe I was only that because I hadn’t experienced anything else. I certainly couldn’t consider myself a ‘man’ anymore. But while my head was getting close to accepting this, the pit of my stomach said I still had a ways to go. Especially when Sarah finished by saying, “Good, let’s get ready and go to the mall for a makeover! We want you all pretty for your man and your nails especially pretty when they wrap around his cock!”