Sadie confesses to Sarah

Sarah doesn’t push or pry as she cradles me in her arms. She lets me cry and murmurs general positive things without diminishing or even questioning what I’m feeling. “You’re going to be all right.” and “We’ll get through this.” and “You can get through anything.” and “You’re strong and powerful.”

It takes about thirty minutes for me to cry it all out but I eventually dry up and even stop my sobbing. I’m sure I look just awful after such an ordeal, so I get up and go into the bathroom. It was just months ago that how I looked wouldn’t have bothered me, especially if I was just going to be seen by a friend or a buddy. But now, even knowing that Sarah and I are just going to sit and chat with each other, I need to be presentable.

I wash my face then sit down at my vanity and put on my face. I have to take special care because my crying has added dark puffy bags under my eyes, but soon enough I’m my gamery cute self and I head back out to Sarah. To Sarah’s credit, she’s laid out just about all of my comfort foods. We always keep them around, but I normally have the will power to avoid them. Most of the time. A big glass of chocolate milk, a pint of Häagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream, a little pile of chocolate chip cookies, and a cinnamon roll with lots of icing.

I sit down just as she finishes off one of the cookies. Just looking at her I realize I’m not talking my way out of this situation this time. And honestly, with what she’s seen of me the past few days, that’s fair.

After taking a delectable sip of the chocolate milk and pulling the ice cream pint over I keep my eyes focused on the spoon as I start talking, “It started weeks ago in Lab. The grad assistant that runs the lab is a guy named Todd. He never game me, Nick, the time of day. But he was immediately attracted to me, Sadie, when I showed up.”

I keep moving forward, trying to tell Sarah everything. I tell her about the inappropriate touching and attention. I tell her about the kissing and make out sessions. I tell her about the threats and the ****. I tell her about the hand cuffs. I even tell her about the blow job. It’s only on that last part of my confession that I feel a few tears run down my cheek.

I push the empty chocolate milk glass, the empty ice cream pint, the remaining cookies, and the half-eaten cinnamon roll away from me as I finish up, “That’s why I was upset last week. It wasn’t from missing the ride. It’s why I’ve been out of sorts since then. It’s why I skipped class today because I calculated that I could still pass the class but have a day off from Todd. And then…” I go over, pick up my phone, bring up the video, and set the phone in front of Sarah “…he sent me this, saying that if I don’t show up next week he’ll send it to the school and…”

My voice breaks and I have to sit back and take several deep breaths just to voice what would be my absolute horror “…he’ll send it to the school and my dad.”

Sarah thankfully let me talk the entire time. She didn’t interject, she didn’t try to hold my hand, she didn’t wrap her arm around me. I’m not sure I could have accepted the comfort without just losing it all over again. But since I started talking, almost an hour ago, I haven’t looked at Sarah at all. I have no idea if she’s upset at me or sad or laughing, and I’m not sure I can bear any of those. They’d all be understandable as I’ve been hoisted by my own petard, but having Sarah be sad or angry or entertained by my problem would just kill me.

I still can’t look up at her, so I don’t know if she’s waiting for more from me or is thinking about how to react. I finally add some more, hoping that it will end this spilling of my soul, “Look Sarah, I don’t expect anything. I did this, and I’ll get through it. I mean, I got through it one time and I’m sure I’ll be able to get through it again next week. I’ll figure out how to avoid him next semester, but even if I can’t, I can get through it. So, just please don’t make fun of me or joke about it. I’ll get through it.”

I feel Sarah take my hand in both of hers and give it a squeeze. I tense up, waiting for her sharp laughter, but instead hear her tense voice, “Sadie, do you think I’d be upset at you? About what this asshole did to you? He… he fucking **** you. We need to stop him. We need to cut his balls off and feed them to him. I’m not upset at you, I’m just trying to not storm out of here with my knife.”

I finally look up at Sarah, searching her face for any sign of joking or kidding but don’t see any. I see her angrier than I’ve ever seen her before, but I don’t see her directing any of that toward me. When she sees me looking at her she goes on, “You did absolutely nothing wrong Sadie. Girls don’t deserve to be touched or kissed or fondled or **** just because some douche bag finds them attractive. You said no, and that should have been the end of it. He took advantage of you, he threatened you, he blackmailed you, and…”

Evidently Sarah sees something in me that said I was ready as she pulls her chair over beside me and pulls me in for a warm comforting hug. With one hand rubbing over my back I feel the tears come again, even as I struggle to not cry. “Sadie, you didn’t do anything wrong. And there’s no having to get through it. We won’t let him do this to you anymore and we’ll make him pay for what he’s done.”

Out of all the possible outcomes I’d thought of, I’d never considered the possibility that Sarah would be on my side. The closest I came before was thinking that she’d be upset that I didn’t stand up for myself, but she doesn’t even seem angry about that. Realizing that I truly had a friend that I could share this burden with was another dam broken and I cried all over again.

I feel like I’ve cried nearly constantly since that fateful lab, but all of them were because I felt bad. This was the first time I was crying because I felt relieved.

Once my tears were again dried out I went to the bathroom to clean up. When I returned Sarah had cleaned the table off and had her laptop out. As I sat down, she turned it so that I could see Todd’s school profile on it. “This is the guy, right?”

Not sure how serious she was about taking Todd on I hold my hands up in a stop like motion. “Sarah, hold on. Yes, that’s him, but we’re not going to do anything. You’re not going to do anything. First, remember he’s blackmailed me. He can get me thrown out of school. He can post stuff online that will get my channels demonetized. He can ruin me to my own family. Even if he didn’t have all that, there’s no way I’d want physical harm to come to him. Sure, I’ve fantasized about really hurting him, but that’s not me. I don’t answer evil with evil.”

I direct my eyes back to the table, knowing I’m keeping Sarah’s attention but still unable to look her in the eyes. “There is no way that I wanted to do that with Todd and yes, he was terrible and criminal and evil. But let’s face it, it’s not like I wasn’t considering doing that same act with Marley and Louis. The only thing he did was take an act that I wanted to be good and…” I take a moment to clear my throat, barely keeping the cry monster at bay “…good and loving and turn it into a bad memory. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that with Marley or Louis at all now, let alone without remembering that **** first experience.”

I finally look back up at Sarah and see that she’s calmed down a bit. I keep going, hopefully convincing her to stay out of it. “Look, I’m serious when I say that I can get through this. Maybe there’s a way to talk him out of doing this to me again… but until that happens, he has the upper hand. Even if he didn’t do anything with the school or anything to ruin my streaming, even if he just told my dad that his son was now a pink haired, D cup having, sexy, gamery, co…” I clench my hands into fists, feeling my nails dig into my palms as I put words to the worst parts of my mental **** “…cock sucker. Even if he just told my dad that, I wouldn’t be able to take it. So please, PLEASE, promise me that you won’t do anything.”

Sarah stands up suddenly, pushing her chair back hard enough for it to tip over and land on its back. I keep my eyes on her as she paces back and forth, her hands mirroring my own clenched fists. I think I actually see her come up with plans several times, but any time she looks at me the plan washes out of her eyes, and she goes back to pacing. Eventually, without me having to say more, she pulls the chair back up and plops down in it. She nods curtly and says in a tense voice, “Fine. Fine Sadie, I don’t have to like it, but it’s your life. I promise I won’t do anything.”

This time it’s me reaching out to take one of her hands as I say, “Thank you Sarah. I can’t feel like I’m getting my control back from Todd if you just take it away from me again. I really appreciate you WANTING to get at him though. It validates those feelings that I’m having myself.”

We chat a little longer, but the meat of the conversation is over. While I don’t feel any better about what Todd did, and still feel like he took a big part of my life away from me, I feel better for having shared it. It’s as though Sarah is helping me carry this burden. Eventually Sarah states out of the blue, “Look, let’s go out. I know we’re both supposed to stream, but let’s go to the bar. Two friends sharing some adult beverages and forgetting about things best forgotten.”

I agree but half-jokingly, half-seriously, add that I might just drink until I’m blackout drunk.

Thirty minutes later both Sarah and I have cleaned up and are dressed for a fun night out. She’s in her shorts and bedazzled Barbi tee shirt while I’m in a tight white mini skirt and a purple sleeveless top that’s short enough to show off my belly button ring. Without colluding with each other we even put our hair up in matching ponytails, pulled off to one side.

Sarah drives us to the towny bar Cool Cat Cocktails in her Mustang. We’re seated at a quiet circular booth where we can hear the live band playing but also talk and enjoy our drinks. Being a cocktail bar, Sarah orders a blueberry margarita while I get a negroni sour. When they arrive at the table, I barely take the time to raise my glass to Sarah before tipping my head back and downing the whole drink in three swallows.

I can feel the buzzing sensation coming over me as the waitress gives a whoop and smiles broadly, “Damn girl! Want me to keep you both filled up?”

Sliding my glass across to her I return her smile and nod. Sarah thankfully doesn’t make a fuss as she drinks her tasty beverage at a more normal rate. My heart opens even wider to Sarah as she starts chatting about streaming and gaming. She doesn’t bring up sex appeal or school or Todd or anything else that would trigger me getting into a dark mood. By the time the waitress returns with our next round, Sarah has caught up and we down our next drinks. The waitress, true to her word, is very quick on our refills and soon enough I feel the room starting to spin. It takes me a few extra seconds to count the coupe glasses until I realize I’ve had five cocktails. That’s more than I had in Vegas, and that’s more than fine by me.

When the waitress brings our next round, she smiles and nods back toward the bar, “The gentleman at the bar said he’d pick this round for you.”

Both Sarah and I look over at the guy. For just a moment I’m afraid I’m going to have to fend off some handsy guy again, but relief fills me when I see Marley sitting at the bar, grinning at us and holding his whisky glass in a toasting motion. After a quick glance with Sarah, confirming that she doesn’t mind, I wave him over. I even scootch over so that I end up sitting between him and Sarah.

His deep bass voice stays quiet but easily carries over the din of the bar. “I’m glad you girls are out having a good time. Are we celebrating something special, or is this just having a good night out together?”

As comfortable as I am with Marley, especially with having him touched me far more intimately than can be done in a public place, I still tense up when he puts his arm around my shoulders in an almost possessive manner. Sarah thankfully answers him as I feel my throat closing up, “Oh you know us girls Marley. We’re just out looking for a good time! Nothing special.”

I finish off drink number six as Sarah and Marley practically flirt with each other. I’d think he’s interested in her if he wasn’t wrapping his arm around my shoulders or resting his hand on my upper arm and brushing his finger tips up and down. If I close my eyes and just focus on the now, I can almost get comfortable. Feeling Marley’s large presence next to me, being warmed by his body heat and arm around my shoulders, hearing his and Sarah’s happy voices. But as soon as I start to relax Marley goes quiet and I imagine it’s Todd holding me close to him. As soon as I focus on the now, the memory of the then takes over reminding me of the taste that no amount of negroni sours will ever remove.

Realizing I need to shake myself out of this downward spiral, I open my eyes, look at Sarah and ask if she needs to use the ladies room. As we scootch out of the circular booth with our purses, Marley relaxes back and says he’ll be here waiting for us.