Sadie and Sarah talk it out and Sadie works on her costume

Morning comes and I’m jerked awake by my alarm. Groggily, not sure if the late bedtime or the nightmares are making me sluggish, I head out toward the kitchen to get some coffee. Passing by the door I see the dildos and my phone still attached to the wall and huff, frustratedly slamming the door closed. When I see Sarah already sitting at the kitchen table, I stop dead in my tracks and consider turning right around and heading back to my room. After last night I don’t think I’ll be able to say anything nice or even pleasant to Sarah. But when she looks up at me over her cup of coffee, I can see that I’m not the only one bothered by last night. Sarah’s eyes look worried, and her hand is just barely trembling as it holds the coffee.

After another moment’s consideration, I walk over to the Kuerig and make myself a cup of coffee. While I have to watch everything that I consume and have had to eliminate my beloved cream and sugar, I still need the caffeine boost to start my day. With my coffee in hand, I take a seat across from Sarah. I look at her dead in the eye but say nothing as I take a sip. I don’t have my phone to even pretend I’m not paying attention, but I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of even acknowledging her. If she doesn’t make a move, I’ll be happy to simply sit here and sip at my coffee until I’m awake enough to get into my schoolwork.

Sarah is obviously uncomfortable. She can hardly look at me and when she finds me staring back, she averts her eyes as if we’re crossing the steams and doing so would stop life as we know it and explode every molecule at the speed of light. Or something. Finally, after about ten minutes of this avoidance, she sets her mug down, straightens up in her seat, and swipes the hair out of her face. “Look Sadie, we have to talk. I know you’re upset. If you want to rant at me and get that off your chest to make yourself feel better then this is the time.”

She raises her eyebrows as if saying she’s ready to be yelled at. But at the same time, I notice she backs up a bit in her chair, preparing herself to be more than yelled at. To be… chastised? It’s enough to make me sit back and take a moment for self-reflection. After last night I know damned well that I need to be in better control of myself before I speak.

Thinking back to last night, to the devotional, I can honestly say it’s one of the worst things I’ve experienced. Having to not just imagine, but act out such sexual acts, will stay with me forever. And my own mind’s games that went along with it, directly associating Louis and Marley with the sex toys, is even worse. But as bad as it was, as much as it humiliated me, as angry as it made me… there was no reason to rant and rave at Sarah about it. She was clearly upset at herself and if anybody knew how bad someone could be on themselves, it was me. I couldn’t possibly punish Sarah as badly as she was clearly punishing herself.

But that’s not to say that I wasn’t angry and looking to get an apology or a pound of flesh. Taking another sip of coffee, I set my cup down and looked up at Sarah, saying quietly, “I’m not going to rant or yell at you. I am way beyond upset at what you made me do but getting it off my chest won’t make me better. So go ahead, talk.”

Sarah seemed if not outright calmed, then at least relieved at my response. Leaning forward she lays her arm across the table, palm up, and says, “Okay then. I have to start here. Sadie, I’m sorry. While I still think I was justified in being upset at you, I went so overboard in that devotional that I turned the tables. You were mean to me, but I injured you. I took advantage of the power dynamic we’ve set up and did the very thing with you that I didn’t want to. I hurt you purposefully. When we started working together, I knew that a lot of the things I did might at least temporarily hurt you, but I promised myself I wouldn’t ever do it on purpose. Well… I did. And I’m sorry. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.”

Reaching out to take Sarah’s hand I take a deep breath. Before I can say anything though, she cuts me off and keeps speaking while gripping my hand tightly, “No, I’m not done. I can’t undo what I did. I can’t make it so that it didn’t happen. And even worse, I know that any trust I’ve earned, I’ve just tossed out with the bath water. I’ve taken our relationship and backed it up all the way, if not further back. You’d be fully justified in not trusting me at all. But I promise that I’m going to work hard to earn your trust back.”

With a nod, I think telling herself that she’s done, Sarah squeezes my hand again and has the hint of a smile on her face. I still don’t feel like smiling, but it’s a good first step. Returning her squeeze, I take a deep breath and am surprised to find that it’s shakey. “I can’t say that I forgive you Sarah even though I want to. That was awful. It was every fear I’ve had. It almost wouldn’t have been worse if you had men here instead of the toys. It was that real to me. But I can’t act like it was an unprompted act. I can’t act like I didn’t have a hand in it. And I owe you an apology. Your wrong doesn’t erase mine. I was rude and used language that’s just unacceptable between friends. So, I’m sorry for saying those things and hope that you can forgive me.”

We chat for several more minutes, both accepting that we’re sorry and both accepting that we can’t fully forgive each other just yet. But we both promise to do better moving forward and attack what we both believe helped start this. My hormones. When we’re done, I jump into the shower and luxuriate there for a long time, letting the hot steamy water do its best at washing away the memories. When I’m out and dried off I wrap the towel around my breasts and walk into my bedroom. For the first time this morning I openly smile, when I see that Sarah has removed the sex toys from my wall. She even took my phone out of its suction cup mount and put it on the charger.

A part of me wants to just leave it done, but I know that Sarah’s a practical girl and she wouldn’t just take the toys away. She’d leave them in my room somewhere. And if I didn’t want to unexpectedly come across them during a steam I needed to know where they were. So, after getting dressed in a rainbow spaghetti strap top and a playfully pastel tennis skirt, along with matching striped thigh high socks, I search around the room until I find the dildos, the phone mount, and even the second Apple Watch all in their original shoebox, up in my closet. Unless I pulled out the box and opened it in front of the computer, I wasn’t going to mistakenly show my gaming audience two sex toys.

Happy with how we left things, I return to the kitchen table and get to my homework. I thankfully finish up early and take the time to call Dr. Stevenson’s office. Not being sure how much I could say even to the receptionist, I claim the name that’s on the prescription and say that I have to speak with the doctor as soon as possible. I spend a few minutes catching up on social media and setting out some planned posts, when I see Dr. Stevenson calling back. I can barely say more than hello before he interrupts and is practically shouting at me. “This is Sadie, right? Sadie Blossom? She of the need for hormones without going through the proper channels? Well listen here girlie, our business is done. So long as you keep paying at the pharmacy, they’ll keep providing your medicine. If you want anything else to change, then we have to meet again, which means an entirely new consulting fee. I don’t want you calling to my office ever again. Your friend has my pager number. Call that and I’ll get in touch with you. Otherwise, we don’t know each other and won’t see each other. If you have any health issues, current or ongoing, then I suggest you see your primary care provider. Understood?”

I’m completely taken aback. He sounds like he’s genuinely upset with me for even calling him. I can barely get out a quiet slightly stuttering “Ye… Yes, sir…” before he hangs up.

It takes me a few minutes to pull myself back together as I’ve never had a medical professional treat me so disrespectfully before. For all he knew, I could be in serious trouble from his hormones, and he acted like I was putting him in jeopardy by simply calling him. And to be honest, I really COULD be in serious trouble from his hormones. Once I know I won’t start shaking or break down and cry, I go out to find Sarah. Unfortunately, I see the light under the garage door and know that she’s started her streaming. Being Thursday, she’s probably just started her marathon online makeover stream and won’t step away until she breaks for a quick bite to eat at dinner.

Not wanting to push this off further, I decide to go to the mall and get my costume together. I don’t want to wear something off the shelf but have a good idea on how to make my own costume from other Halloween outfits. When I see Sarah has left her purse out on the table, I fish through it to find her keys and drive myself to the Mall.

I start at the Spirit Halloween store that took over the old Radio Shack location. I quickly find the classic nurse cap and even find one with a pink cross instead of the classic red one. I find a few nurses outfits, but none match the look I’m after. With my nurse cap in tow, I head to the food court and get a strawberry banana granola bowl and aloha pineapple smoothie from Jamba Juice. With my stomach no longer grumbling I head over to the arts and crafts store and find exactly what I’m looking for. An old school white apron. No frills, no lace, just a straight up white apron with a single pocket. After looking in three different department stores, I start to worry that I can’t find the next part and fear I might have to change gears completely as it’s a necessary part of the costume.

As I’m walking through the east wing of the mall though, I see exactly what I’m looking for in Hot Topic of all places. It has a huge Barbi logo stitched on the chest, but the hot pink dress is otherwise perfect with its pointy collars, short sleeves, and puffy shoulders. After I find some off brand crocs with three-inch heels, I head over to the salon and wave at Marci when I see her sitting at her workstation. I let her know what I’m looking for and she laughs with me, saying she can easily get that done. We set up an appointment for Tuesday morning and I head out, ready to call my costume ready.

On my way out of the mall though, I spot something and while I hadn’t thought of it before, it makes perfect sense and would be the perfect last piece to the costume. I even edge it up, buying not only the ball but going back to the craft store to get some pink paint to customize it with.

When I get back to the house I try everything on and include some knee-high white stockings to finish the look and make sure everything fits. Happy with the sizing, I pull the dress out and using some scissors, completely cut the upper portion of the top out. I make sure to leave the collar completely in place and have the apron out so that I can get the cut just right, but it turns out perfectly. When I put the dress on with the apron over it, I’m left with a large peekaboo window in the dress from the top of the apron to the dress’ collar, exposing quite a bit of cleavage and taking a fairly tame costume and turning the spice component up to eleven.

By the time I’ve finished hemming up the skirt of the dress to show off more leg and have the edges of the front chest window sewed up and neat, Sarah comes out from her stream and I’m able to show off the complete costume. I show her the picture I’m working from and tell her that Marci is going to be doing up my hair and she loves it just as much as I do, agreeing that not only will Louis find it attractive, but anybody seeing it and recognizing me will see it as following my Princess BabyDoll personality perfectly.

When we sit down eating some freezer pizza, I let Sarah know about my phone call with Dr. Stevenson. She looks about as frustrated as I felt after the phone call. “I was afraid that might happen. I tried calling his pager and he never called me back. He’s an asshole and it shouldn’t surprise us that he’s not willing to help. At least not with out paying another consulting fee.”

I nearly **** on my slice of pepperoni and cheese, coughing out, “Wait, you think he’ll help but only if we pay him another consulting fee? Wasn’t the first one like four thousand dollars?”

Sarah nods, handing me a napkin to clean up with. After dabbing at my lips, I think about it aloud, “Well fuck. I mean, I have to see a doctor. I’m afraid the hormones are out of whack. But I can’t imagine paying four grand for that when it might not be the problem. But I can’t go to my doctor either. He’s our family’s doctor and he treats both Dad and Dallas and… yeah, I don’t want to even broach that subject yet. I don’t know… maybe the university clinic? But shit, I’m not technically a student there. Or rather, Sadie isn’t a student. And I’m not sure I want to have the conversation about me…” I gesture at my curvy body “…being Nick.”

Sarah nods along, listening and thankfully not interrupting. When I quiet down and continue thinking she speaks up and has the perfect answer. “Well, there is another medical professional that not only knows you as Nick but knows you as Sadie. And better yet, knows you’re on hormones from a less than reliable source.”

The smile we share is the perfect way to cap the day. I’m sure Sarah hasn’t forgiven me for calling her a bitch or a cunt and I certainly haven’t forgiven her for making me do those sex acts, but this has gone a long way to making those acts of forgiveness easier and returned us to a better standing as friends. I reach across the table and take Sarah’s hands in mine, giving them a squeeze, “You’re right. Dr. Lacy would be perfect!”