Weight of Expectations

Food and a few hours did wonders to refresh me. The headache had faded to a dull throb, and I could examine the Noise around me without feeling like my head was about to split open. The clarity of their Noise made me realize just how bad last night had been. It put what I’d seen into question. While it was something I wanted to ask them about, I found myself at a loss on how to explain it. It wasn’t like either of them could see what I did. I’m sure it had something to do with Alexis’ Gift, but was it something they could explain?

We sat at the kitchen table in silence. The weight of the inevitable kept them silent. For me, my silence was more due to introspection than awkwardness. I was gathering my thoughts, categorizing what I thought was important and what could wait.

“I guess I’ll start,” I said, knowing the two were too nervous to say anything. Chloe was locked in a stalemate, conflicting emotions warring inside her. Alexis was in a near panic, wanting to flee the situation rather than face the possibility of rejection. There were a number of things I could talk about, but it was best to keep things simple to start. “Last night was enjoyable.”

That had been aimed at Alexis. Relief flooded her Noise, her body language relaxing slightly. “R-really?” Her smile was probably bigger than she intended, Chloe’s Gift boosting her mood.

I nodded. “Though to be honest, last night was a bit foggy.” I glanced towards Chloe. “Definitely more enjoyable sober.”

“Not like I planned for that,” she mumbled, sinking down in her chair.

“We were all pretty drunk. Judgment was impaired and we just got caught up in the moment,” Alexis said, fidgeting in her chair. She was already forming an escape route and a plea to maintain the status quo. I wasn’t opposed to that, but I didn’t need my Gift to know the effect her words had on Chloe. Like it or not, a threshold had been crossed. Whatever we had before wasn’t possible.

I cut her off before she could complete her argument. “Perhaps, but that doesn’t change the way you two feel about one another.” Both were staring at me with growing discomfort. It was a good thing we waited to have this conversation, as their Noise was all over the place.

“What are you—”

“It’s quite clear how you feel about her,” I said, staring at my girlfriend. “In a way, I suppose something like this was inevitable. It has been obvious to me that your feelings were far deeper than friendship for some time. Both of you have been doing your best to deny it, but your Noise doesn’t lie.” Chloe’s expression was something close to pure terror, tears forming. “You love her.” My eyes never left hers. “But you know that already, don’t you?”

She couldn’t even manage a nod, tears freely falling down her cheeks as she wiped them away. My focus shifted to Alexis. Her expression had a very similar look to Chloe’s, but for different reasons. She looked as though she was living through her worst nightmare, guilt flaring loud enough to temporarily overpower her euphoria. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Her words were slow, weak, struggling to find life. “I swear. I never—”

“I’m not upset.” I pulled my attention from both of them, the struggle on their Noise becoming difficult to keep track of. “But this isn’t something we can pretend doesn’t exist.”

Chloe rubbed at her eyes. “How do you feel about all this?”

I took a moment to consider the question. Technically, I didn’t feel anything, at least not in the way she was asking. “The only concern I’ve ever had is that you would leave me for someone else.” My eyes moved from one to the other. “I suppose I should ask if you are considering that.”

She managed a smile. “Not going to get rid of me that easily.”

I nodded at her. That was good. It felt like a pressure had released inside me, easing my breathing. Since she admitted to kissing Alexis, I’d seen the way their Noise got when they were around each other. Alexis made Chloe happy in a way I couldn’t, so it would make sense she would end her relationship with me to pursue Alexis. It was a relief to know she valued her feelings towards me. Her admission did get a response from Alexis. Her expression hadn’t shifted, but sadness bubbled up against her euphoria.

“So what now?” Alexis asked. She had a slumped body language, but I couldn’t tell if it was relief or disappointment that caused her to look like that.

The real question. What did we do now? The status quo wasn’t an option. Both women’s Noise had changed. It was subtle, but last night had an irreparable impact on their emotional and mental mindsets. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it was going to be impossible for them to deny what they felt for the other. Maintaining a platonic relationship wasn’t impossible, but I did know both of them fairly well by this point. Both were highly sexual and enjoyed physical affection.

“I don’t know.” Both were surprised by that, which was odd.

“You don’t?”

I forced a smile. “I don’t actually have all the answers.” My smile vanished as I continued. “This is a difficult situation for me. While I have my preferences, I’m actually the most flexible of us since my emotions aren’t a factor.”

Chloe crossed her arms, a touch of annoyance in her Noise. “Your input matters.”

“I’m not saying that. My curiosity is what you two want.” I looked between the two of them again. “That’s what you were talking about this morning, wasn’t it?” The two women shared a look, all but confirming my hypothesis. It was impressive how the two had a wordless conversation through subtle facial expressions. Normally it would have been impossible to follow, but their Noise gave me enough to formulate a guess. There was probably something they talked about, but neither of them wanted to be the one to bring it up.

Chloe was the one to break. With a shaky sigh, she wiped at her eyes and shifted in her seat. “Yeah. We talked a bit this morning.” She glanced at Alexis.

“There are... feelings there,” Alexis confirmed, not meeting my gaze.

“You are right. This isn’t something we can walk back and pretend nothing happened. I love you, Jake. I do. But... I love Alexis too.” Her breath quivered as she struggled to keep fresh tears from falling. “I don’t know what to do. I hate this. No matter what I choose, I hurt someone I love. This isn’t something like, ‘Pick who I love more’ because how do you quantify love? It just... is. What I feel for Alexis is different, but no less powerful than what I feel for you.”

“I’ll admit I’m not the relationship type,” Alexis said, picking up after Chloe fell silent. “I know that, but Chloe is special. I can’t describe it. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” She rubbed at her neck, avoiding my side of the table. “I’m really bad at explaining. Sorry.”

“And what did you two come up with?” I asked, knowing they were building up to something. I had a good idea what it was, but I wanted to hear it from them.

Alexis and Chloe shared a look. Turning to face me, Chloe met my eye. Her anxiety spiked in her Noise. “What if... I didn’t have to choose?”

I let the silence linger for a moment as I absorbed the question and processed it. I made eye contact with Alexis. “You want to date Chloe too.”

“More like, the three of us?” Chloe offered. Once again, the two shared a look. She had a small smile, mustering all the hope she had. Like Alexis, her anxiety was overwhelming as the two waited for my response. Yet when they looked at each other, they both had an equal surge of hope. Both were equally enthusiastic about the idea, yet fearful of what might happen if the idea was rejected.

I didn’t answer right away. It was as I feared. A simple solution that was anything but simple. I could see why they went with this though, as the logic behind it was good. They loved each other, and they both had some sort of feelings for me. In that case, why not bring it all together? My condition made it fairly painless, as I was removed from most emotional concerns. Any jealousy and resentment in the relationship wouldn’t come from me. Considering how open the two were with sex, I doubted that would be an issue for either of them. If anything, it was an almost perfect solution. Alexis’ presence would fill a rather looming shortfall in my relationship with Chloe: emotional support. I suppose I would act as a sort of bedrock for the two, helping curb some of their more emotional impulses.

On the surface, there wasn’t much reason why I would be opposed to the idea. I cared for both of them, even if I was more biased towards Chloe. From what it sounded like, Alexis was in the same position. Reframe the situation to be less Chloe and Alexis dating me, but Alexis and I dating Chloe.

And there was the problem.

My hands rested against the table as I ordered my thoughts. “While I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea, I have concerns. It would largely depend on how exactly you are planning to structure the relationship.”

Confusion rippled through their Noise. Alexis was the first to speak. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s say I agree. What does this relationship look like?” I asked as I focused on Alexis. “Are we dating, or are we just sharing Chloe?” I ignored the eruption of Noise from the other side of the table. “You mentioned Chloe is special to you, and your Noise makes your feelings for her clear. I know you care about me, but you and I have different concepts of friendship. You have no issues with being sexually active with your friends, but I’m not interested in that.” I let that sink in before I asked the real question behind this. “Do you believe you would be interested in having a romantic relationship with me? Wait, before that, are you even capable of a romantic relationship with me?”

“Of course I—” She cut herself off as I stared at her. The sudden silence took Chloe by surprise as she looked over at her. Her throat worked and her eyes slid from me, looking towards the table. “Before, I would have said yes, but now I’m not sure what the answer is. I care about you, and I love you, but... I don’t know if that is romantic love or something else.” She continued, still not looking at me. “I enjoyed having sex with you. Even if we weren’t sober and had some missteps, it was perfect. Being with you and Chloe, all three of us... it was a dream come true. But, I’ve enjoyed sex with a lot of people. Sure, last night was unique and special, but...” Alexis looked at Chloe. “Chloe was a big part of the reason why. I want to say it was all because it was the three of us that made it special, but I honestly don’t know. Maybe it was, or maybe it would be just as special if Chloe and I were with another guy.”

I nodded, expecting as much. It was the same underlying issue that prevented us from ever trying a relationship. We both wanted a partner, but our vision of what that partner looked like was fundamentally different. I had no doubt she loved me in her own way, but it was vastly different than what she felt towards Chloe.

“Which brings me to the next topic.” This time, I turned my gaze to Chloe. “The matter of your business.”

Her face flushed. “Only a few months until graduation. As much as I would like to, I can’t stop. People are already pissed as it is, and the last thing I want is a bunch of people with way too much fucking money pissed off at me while I am trapped in the same building as them five days a week. We both know a few of them are vengeful pricks.”

Adam immediately came to mind. Chloe had given him a permanent slot, but it came at a cost. Unlike her other customers, she always dreaded when it was his turn.

My attention turned to Alexis. “Are you okay with that?”

This time, her smile came easy. “You know that’s not an issue with me.” The way she looked at Chloe made her blush. “More than that, really. I think it’s hot.”

I figured that, which is why I asked the real question next. “And you?”

Her smile vanished. “What about me?”

I made my displeasure known by forcing my expression into a frown. “You know what I’m asking, stop trying to deflect.” To make sure everyone was on the same page, I clarified. “Are you planning to continue having sex with others?”

Fear spiked in her Noise, but she wasn’t looking at me. From Chloe’s Noise, she didn’t know what to think of the question either. Instead of the comforting presence of Chloe’s Noise, I focused on Alexis’, studying it as she cycled through her thoughts. My head tilted as I watched it shift. Fear solidified into resolve and determination.

“If it means making this work? I’ll stop.”

Chloe was shocked, but it quickly gave way to joy as a smile blossomed. “Really?”

This time, she didn’t hesitate as she nodded. “Yeah. Look, I know I’m a colossal fuckup and I’ve done lots of stupid shit, but this is important to me. Sex is good, really fucking good. I won’t lie and say I won’t miss it, but Chloe is more important than that.” She looked to me. “You both are.”

“But you want to continue.”

Her resolve crumbled and she looked away. “Yeah,” she admitted in a soft voice.

“I would assume you would want Chloe to join you.”

“Wait, what?”

When Alexis didn’t answer, I stepped in. “It was the main reason why we never tried dating,” I explained, my voice steady as I tried to keep the emotional tension low. “She wants a partner to share experiences with. I take it that is something you still want.”

“Yes,” she answered, but she wasn’t looking at me. She winced at Chloe’s shocked reaction but continued. “It’s no secret I like sex. I meant what I said earlier though. This, here,” she said, gesturing to the table, “is way more important than that.”

“But?” Chloe asked, the word carrying a breathless quality.

Alexis didn’t shy away, holding my girlfriend’s gaze. “But I hoped...” She growled in frustration, running hand through her red hair. “Fuck, I’m so bad at this. I really don’t want to fuck this up, so let’s just drop it, okay? It doesn’t matter.”

Reaching over the table, Chloe rested her hand atop hers. Her smile was as calming as her Noise. Alexis stared at the hand resting atop hers. Turning her hand over, I watched as their fingers entwined. Happiness mixed with her euphoria remnants as they held hands.

Alexis continued, her voice softer as a mixture of embarrassment, shame, and desire entered her Noise. “You regularly sleep with other men and, well, I find that fucking hot. I know our reasons are different,” she continued quickly, words spilling from her in a rush. “But it’s one of the reasons I love you. You are... like me, I guess. Last night only confirmed it for me. I... felt it. You enjoy it, Chloe. Maybe it’s your Gift more than the sex itself, but only recently have you started questioning it since you are dating Jake, but what if you didn’t have to stop? What if you had someone enjoying the moment with you? What if you didn’t have to reject that part of you?

“I felt the distance you’ve created between yourself and those desires. Jake is important to you, and I get that. I do. But I don’t want you to keep pushing that away, Chloe. I love you just as you are, flaws and all. Not that sleeping with others is a flaw!” she added.

I let Chloe process that, turning my attention downward and doing my best to give her privacy. It was hard to avoid her Noise, but I did my best not to read the torrent of emotions flowing through her.

The moment dragged on, each of us struggling under the weight of the moment. I could see them struggling. What had once seemed an easy solution was now anything but. We all loved each other, yet it was clear we all had different visions of what that love looked like. I couldn’t escape my role in this. Ironically, it was me causing the most difficulties here despite having no emotional investment, at least, not at the same level.

I took the silence to reflect on the current situation. Chloe was by far the most accepting. Her love was, in a general sense, the simplest here. Pure, was probably a good way to describe it. All she wanted was to be with the ones she loved. Her love for me was more foundational. In a way, it reminded me of the love Daniel and Sophie shared. Musing on it, I realized I never really saw her love for me in her Noise anymore. Not because it wasn’t there, but rather, it was always there to the point it was no longer something to differentiate from other emotions. It wasn’t a note in her Noise, it was her Noise; a natural part of her mental state that only showed itself in moments of excess.

Her feelings for Alexis were a whirlwind of excitement and passion with a firm foundation of trust and respect. There was a depth to it I didn’t understand, and doubted I ever would. It brought her to life in ways I knew were beyond me, and I wanted that for her. It wasn’t strictly a selfless desire either. Her Noise was so much... more... when she was with Alexis. The life Alexis brought Chloe wasn’t just benefiting her, it made things better for me as well. Alexis completed Chloe, and that brought me my own form of satisfaction and contentment.

Alexis was a challenge. She didn’t have the same draw as Chloe did. Perhaps because this was new? She was a friend and companion. I never took the steps to move beyond that because, deep down, I saw the hesitation she had. Perhaps she had wanted something different in the past, but it was clear she had changed since then. If I had to guess, she had discovered what she truly wanted in Chloe. This new knowledge made her realize that what she thought she wanted or felt for me, wasn’t it.

Where did that leave us? A difficult question to tackle. Emotionally, I was the most flexible one here. I had no true feelings to anchor me to my values, yet that was the reason why I was so adamant about them. Who was I if I allowed myself to drift and change to fit the desires and whims of others? It would have been easy to mold myself to fit into the confines of the relationship Alexis and Chloe wanted. I didn’t particularly care Chloe slept with other men. What difference did it make between her sleeping with men, and her and Alexis sleeping with men?

Everything.

Perhaps it was predicated on technicalities, but intent was everything to me. People couldn’t control their emotions, only how they expressed them. Day after day, I was constantly barraged by people’s unfiltered emotions. A constant reminder that what someone felt, wasn’t always how they acted. How they expressed their emotions through action and words was far more important than the feeling itself because of the intention behind it. Not to mention I had no real idea of the cause behind the emotion. Take anger. Was it caused by something I did, or perhaps I triggered a reminder of something else. Maybe it had nothing to do with me at all, and the emotion just... was.

Intent was important to me. Chloe sleeping with other men wasn’t a concern for me because she intended to share her Gift with them. Her pleasure and enjoyment that came from that was irrelevant to me because her intention, at least now, was first and foremost selling her Gift. That was never her intention for me. While I couldn’t share in the more emotional side of sex, Chloe certainly could. She was a physical woman, and it meant a great deal to her to be physically with me. I enjoyed that with her. Physically, she was always pleasing, but I took comfort in her Noise when we were together. Yes, her Gift tended to overwhelm her Noise, but I took the opportunity to focus on her. Her appearance as she lost herself in her euphoria was a reminder that there were other forms of beauty in the world. I took satisfaction not in her Noise, but in the moment. She wanted to be with me, to share the moment not because of what it could do for her, but because of how she felt about me. An expression of her emotions. That mattered.

And the moments where I took her Gift into me, allowing her to stay present in the moment? Those were precious to me, even if the consequences were undesirable and exhausting.

Alexis would change that dynamic. I didn’t doubt her resolve when she said she was willing to give up the casual sex if it meant giving this relationship a try. Her Noise was quite clear. Yet I knew that was a big part of her. She had certainly slowed down compared to how she used to be, but it was still something she enjoyed. Denying herself now was a simple thing, but what about in the future? Alexis had never limited herself before, especially not to two people. Would she come to regret it? Resent giving up thrilling and new for routine and familiar?

Or perhaps she gets what she wants. Chloe would no longer be with men to share her Gift, but because she wanted to—or at least, because Alexis wanted it. That was changing the intent of the interactions. I didn’t know what to think about that dynamic. Logically, the result was the same one way or the other: Chloe was still sleeping with other men. If anything, wasn’t it better if she had someone there who cared about her? To make sure she was safe?

Through that lens, this was a net benefit. Alexis would get her partner to love and share, Chloe would get the emotional connection she craved, and I would benefit from the woman I cared for being happier. Perhaps I would find something special with Alexis as well once we actually tried to build something.

But where was the line? If I gave ground here, would I continue to do so every time we ran into difficulties? It was a danger for me that many others didn’t share. People had strong emotions to strengthen their core beliefs. They felt passion and drive to defend it when pressed. Me? It was easy to let go. Too easy. It’s why I did my best to stick to the ones I had. I needed to keep my vision of myself firm, else I lose it to the whims of my surroundings.

Chloe had become a fixture in my life. Perhaps it was unhealthy to be so anchored to one person, but she gave me a reference point to guide me. A single star in the night sky above an endless, featureless ocean. She loved me, and I wanted to be a man worthy of that love. Since meeting her, I had changed. Yes, I had been friends with Alexis and Natalie before I met her, but my interactions with them had changed since I started dating Chloe. Instead of being a passive receiver of their friendship, I was taking an active role—more than in the past at least. It was something I enjoyed and wanted to continue with.

It also meant that when she changed, I would inevitably do so as well.

Through it all, I couldn’t look at this logically. Logically, everything lined up, but people weren’t logical. My world was full of contradictions.

A teacher with a pleasant smile and friendly voice with Noise full of loathing and disgust as they helped a troublesome student who came to them for help.

A parent yelling in anger at their child, Noise full of fear and relief after pulling them back from the street they ran into without looking.

A man doting on his wife, Noise devoid of care.

A woman smiling at the man she was holding hands with, Noise full of boredom and impatience.

My relationship with Chloe wasn’t perfect. Nothing was. It was something we worked on all the time. She reminded me the world wasn’t just Noise, and there were plenty of interesting things to life I would have never bothered to search for without her there to ground me. She gave up euphoric bliss to experience an inferior version of lovemaking, all for the man she loved to experience something she never could.

It wasn’t perfect, but we made it work. Every day, day after day, we made it just a little better.

Did I risk everything we had built on the potential of something better?

My eyes shifted away from the physical world, immersing myself in the Noise radiating from the two women. One Noise a comfort, the other, familiar. Both conflicted in their own unique ways, yet determined, hopeful. Loving.

Did I really have a choice beyond trying?

Last night had been a point of no return. Reflecting on what happened didn’t matter. It happened, and nothing was going to change that. The only thing that mattered now was how we handled it. Alexis and Chloe wanted to try a relationship of three rather than two.

I took a deep breath and stretched, startling the two women. I let it out slowly, forcing the tension out of my shoulders.

“This isn’t something we have to figure out right away,” I announced, drawing the others from their thoughts. “How about we take a week to think on it and figure out what we all really want. That way, next time we talk about this, we can be clear what we expect and want from both ourselves and others.”

“Just talk?” Alexis asked.

I glanced over at Chloe, who blushed and avoided my gaze. Her Noise was clear that she was interested in the same thing Alexis was. “For now, I think that would be best.”

Disappointment was heavy in Alexis’ Noise, but it wasn’t as large as I expected. She was still optimistic, though I wondered if that was because of what she really thought or was a side-effect of Chloe’s Gift. It was the reason why she rebounded so quickly. A smile formed, her attention on Chloe.

“You know what I could use right now?”

Chloe blinked a few times, then smiled. “You aren’t going to win.”

“Guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” she asked, flicking her hair behind her shoulder as she strolled off to the couch. Chloe darted around the table to join her.

I stayed back. Instead of worrying about things, I relaxed in my seat, content to enjoy the ebb and flow of their Noise.