Not as expected

Disclaimer: Real people often cannot be counted on to have the amount of self reflection shown by the characters in this chapter. If legal action is warranted, take it.

I am secret agent double O Punny (pronounced dub-Lopunny, I am so proud of myself). My mission, to infiltrate the party and obtain evidence that Robert, a.k.a. Ash Ketchum, is harassing women on campus, and potentially worse. Support for this mission is being provided by agent M (stands for Mommy), and all gadgets are standard.

Obstacles to achieving my objectives are as follows: drunken college students. Their bodies, both undulating in time to percussive sounds emanating from speakers and passively **** on the floor or couch, may be in my path. But the greater hazard is if they take an interest in me and try and talk. Communication is to be avoided at all cost. Training for withstanding **** methods without divulging mission secrets had to be skipped due to lack of time and general squeamishness. Party goers are known for being **** and interrogation experts using methods deemed inhumane by all major countries. These methods include but are not limited to: maintaining eye contact, asking follow up questions to offhand comments, and refusing to end the conversation even when you are obviously uncomfortable.

Survival is not guaranteed, but someone needs to do the nations dirty work. And that someone is double O Punny, international Pokémon of mystery. With the world’s greatest… oof.

My fantasy is interrupted as one of the party goers bumps their elbows into my side. “Oh sorry there… holy shit it’s Pokémon girl!” A small cheer rings out as several people woo at the revelation that the campus weirdo has shown up. I know they don’t mean to be rude about it, but this is already the third time in as many minutes since I’ve walked into the house.

Mommy chuckles into my ears. “Well, they may not know you at all, but you have to admit it’s kind of cute how everyone has basically decided you’re the schools unofficial mascot.” I snort. I understand what Mommy means, but honestly it’s hard to have charitable thoughts while surrounded by so much… chaos. Even filtered through my helmet this is a lot. I wish Mommy was here in person to hug. Sad Lopunny sound. “Oh, I know baby. I wish I could be there with you. But you shouldn’t have to stay long. I’ve been busy out here and spotted Robert’s car. He is definitely at the party. Just find him and keep an eye on him for a bit. See if he’s harassing anyone.”

I am feeling less and less confident about this plan. Doesn’t this count as stalking? I mean, obviously it’s not on the same level as him following me home, but I only came here because he’s here. Well, really because Mommy wants me to do this, but still. But no. This can’t be bad. Mommy told me to do it, and she’s perfect. He only isn’t in more trouble already because we couldn’t tell anyone he stalked me home. So it’s fine.

Rather than find Robert, someone else finds me. “Oh my god you came! And you look amazing!” Jessica, the girl who kicked this whole thing off with her invite. Play nice, she doesn’t know how little I want to be here… Happy Lopunny sounds, and a slow blink with a quick arm raise to express joy. “I didn’t know you could wear makeup on your face! That’s amazing!” Only now do I realize she’s definitely already drunk. My face has the eyelids and eyelashes replaced with sexy versions from my normal daily ones that aim for authenticity, that is not makeup. I sigh into my helmet. “You are so cute, you know that? You’re like, like, a big stuffed animal. Can I hug you? Come here!”

I have no escape in the crowd as Jessica wraps her arms around me before I can respond. Sad Lopunny sound. She giggles drunkenly. “So soft!”

“Baby, I’m not going to tell you to punch her, or kick her. But get away from her as soon as possible and I won’t question your methods.” Mommy’s words flow into my ear, assuring me that I will be obeying Mommy by escaping Jessica’s embrace. I gently push her off of me and decide she might leave me alone if I ask her where a drink is. So I mime a glass of water to my face.

“Oh, you want a beer? Nice, just go to the kitchen. Cooler is on the floor. Can’t miss it. Hey, clear the way! Pokégirl needs a beer!”

Confused but appreciative for an opportunity to leave, I ignore the small cheer that goes up at her announcement of my imagined intent to drink. I follow the small path opened up by those who cared enough to listen to Jessica. I make it to the kitchen and see the cooler she described.

“Actually, grab a beer.” Mommy gives me orders.

Curious Lopunny sound. What? Why? “It ought to keep people from trying to hand you any. I’m surprised no one has yet.” I reach into the cooler and pull out a generic beer. Suddenly Jessica is beside me.

“You should, you should catch up! I’m already three in. Come on, chug it!” Jessica, I swear you will regret becoming one of the few people whose name I know!

“Pokégirl is chugging beer! Chug, chug, chug!” God damn it. Why are so many people interested in me doing things. I feel my eyes tear up in frustration. It’s okay. Stay calm. Breathe in, and out.

Mommy chimes in. “You don’t need to drink baby. But if you do, just sip. You’re a lightweight, both figuratively and literally.” Thank you agent M, your counsel is always useful. It actually feels very nice having Mommy in my ear to help keep me calm. Not being able to drink from the can without making a mess, I pull out my bottle and transfer the beer to it.

“Oh shit, that’s cool. But like, you can fit more than one beer in there. Let me get you another!” Jessica gets a second beer and begins pouring it into my bottle. Without permission. As soon as she’s done, she starts up the chant again. How drunk are these people that they are just always down to yell chug? “Chug, chug, chug!” Very drunk.

Damn you peer pressure. I’m used to being ignored, I have no resistance built up against this. “Don’t drink it all. Just tip it over and take a few sips. Then they should leave you alone.” I take a deep breath and put the straw in my mouth. I flip the bottle up and give it a squeeze. Yeah, that is not a nice flavor. The chanting continues though, with several more people joining in now that I’m actually drinking. It’s okay, breathe in, swallow, breathe out, swallow.

“Baby stop! I said a sip!” What? I take the bottle out of my mouth and look at it… it’s over halfway gone. That… should be fine, right?

It is not alright. Jessica disappears, doubtless fearful of my bunny girl wrath. After stumbling around on the first floor I give up looking for her or Robert and climb the stairs to the second floor. Not too many people up here, but there is a bathroom which I don’t want to stray too far from. I sit down at the top of the stairs after verifying Robert isn’t up here, and reevaluate my life. Double O Punny is a wash up, a never-has-been. My head feels heavy for reasons beyond the actual extra weight my helmet adds. A bit fuzzy too. I haven’t seen any sign of Robert and I’m not sure I ever actually wanted to spot him. I only came to this stupid party because Mommy told me too. I hold my head in my hands for a bit, hoping to be able to think a bit more clearly. “Baby, I’m sorry. Tonight wasn’t a good idea. Come back out and…”

I look up and… well this is awkward. Robert realizes who I am at the same moment I recognize him coming up the stairs. His eyes go wide and he points at me with a beer in the same hand. “You!”

Panic fills my heart. I was hoping I’d just see him harass someone else from a distance! He wasn’t supposed to talk to me! Even if he saw me I figured he would avoid me like the school told him to! Why is he walking up the stairs towards me! “Calm down baby, he won’t do anything in public. I’m driving closer just in case.” Mommy’s right… but that in no way helps my brain believe it.

He reaches the top of the stairs and flops down next to me, clearly drunker than I am. “I… owe you SOOO MUCH! You saved my ass! Don’t think I don’t know it!” … what the shit is he talking about. “They had me sit in some, like class. About sexual harassment and such. I thought, eh whatever. And then, boom! That thing I did, that you didn’t tell no one ‘bout. Fucking major shit. Serious consequenches. But you… didn’t tell no body shit. Saved my ass. Didn’t even realize how fucked I was till like… almost the last slide! So like, thanks. And… and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… but like I was just all caught up in my head about how I was like, thinking about how it was supposed to go, and I fucked it all up, and didn’t just take the L. So yeah. I’m sorry.”

He’s blubbering a lot. Not exactly crying, but he’s got a bit of a runny nose. This is definitely not to plan. What the shit is this? He’s sprawled out on the stairs, and… slowly sliding down them. Goodbye, I guess? Did I hallucinate that? Curious Lopunny sound? Nothing about tonight is working right. It’s not going how… oh fuck. It’s not going how it’s supposed to. Shit. Fuck. I need to get out of here. I need Mommy to fuck me happy again. I don’t want to do parties or try and be a secret agent. Tonight sucks, I learned a moral lesson from a drunken reformed stalker, I need to just take the L.

Luckily Mommy reaches the same conclusion. “Baby, get out of there. I’m sorry I asked you to do this.” Sad Lopunny sound. Yeah. This all just sucks.

I stumble down the stairs, stepping over a passed out Robert, and slowly try to weave my way through the crowd. I jostle more than I weave, but I eventually make it outside and begin to stumble down the street. Mommy quickly spots me and picks me up. Before getting in, I pull out my bottle and finish off the foul ****. This night can’t get worse, so I might as well see what two whole beers do to me.

Mommy drives us home. By the time we arrive the beer has hit me fully, or at least I hope fully. I stumble out of the car into the garage. Mommy helps me to her room and helps me undress. She quickly has me naked. She doesn’t bother putting in my ball gag, apparently deciding I could use a break from our weird lifestyle. I lay down in her bed.

“M-mmommy?” My jaw feels pitifully weak, unsurprising considering how long it’s been since it was last free.

“Yes baby?” She probably is assuming my slur is from the ****, which is probably contributing.

“D-did, ee do… uaad, uaad,” I grab my jaw with my hands to help it move correctly. “Do bad?”

Mommy sighs. “Maybe. But whether we did bad or not, I did. I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. Especially when I’m trying to make you my Pokèmon. You shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. I’m so sorry baby.”

Talking is hard, so I pull her towards me so I can nuzzle my face into her chest. I love being Lopunny, but having my face actually touching her boobs is definitely nice. Heh, boobs. Yeah, I’m drunk. And so was Robert. I giggle at the memory.

“What’s so funny?” She sounds tired, but happy to hear me laugh.

“Uo… Rom…” it’s not worth using his real name. “Ash slid dun.” Mommy snorts, hopefully remembering Robert sliding down the stairs like a drunken slime. I giggle some more as Mommy hugs me tight. And I sleep.