What I want

Lying in bed that night, I’m trapped between conflicting feelings. I’m so turned on, deliriously turned on, the memory of his hands on my chest setting my body aflame. I want to touch myself, NEED to touch myself, need to release this desire, but then I remember the photo. That picture of me, tits out, mouth open, waiting for my tormentor to kiss me. That could be all over social media by now for all I know. Even if it isn’t, Derek has it, and he could do anything he wants with it. The fear of that, the fear of what I did being exposed to the whole world, keeps me from acting on my urgent needs. Instead I just toss and turn, mind racing, until I finally fall asleep. I don’t remember my dreams, but when I wake up my panties are damp to the touch.

Sitting at breakfast with my Dad that morning, he finally breaks the silence. “What is it that you want, Cass?”

I swallow my mouthful of toast. “Um, what do you mean, Dad?”

He takes a sip of his coffee and fixes me with a steady gaze. “Did I ever tell you why I didn’t give you my family name?”

I take a little breath. I really can’t deal with more family drama right now. “No, not really.”

“Well, a big part of it was I was afraid. For you. I knew a girl who looked like you walking around with the name Cassie Balakrishnan would draw attention. Stand out. I didn’t think… I wanted to give you the chance to go unnoticed.” He looks away, then back at me. “Because it’s safer that way.”

I fiddle with my fork. “Yeah.”

“But there was another part of it. I know you don’t remember your parents, but the name they gave you is still your name. That’s who you are. And I wanted to give you the chance to decide who you wanted to be. I was afraid giving you my name might… might make it seem too much like I am making those decisions for you. Like I’m trying to make you like me.” He shrugs and looks around our tiny kitchen. “For whatever that’s worth.”

I’m staring down at the table now. I don’t know how to feel about this. “Ok.”

“So I just… all this stupid stuff I’ve been saying about making your own way… it can be whatever way you want, you know, okay? Cass? Just… what do you want?”

I press my lips together and look up into my Dad’s dark brown eyes, so full of love and concern. And I don’t know what to say. So I just get up and leave, hating myself for once again letting his sincere effort to reach out to me fall flat.

That bitter nugget of self-hate remains as I ride my bike to school, but it’s buried under an avalanche of dread. I don’t know if I’m about to walk into a building full of people who’ve seen my naked chest. I don’t know if Derek is going to hold that photo over me to make me do whatever he wants. He’s already done so much even without leverage like that. I realize with a twinge in my gut that I really don’t know what he’s capable of. What does he want from me?

When I get to school and lock up my bike, I feel that dread harden like a shell around me. Every glance my way is like a signal, they know, they all know. I try to keep that thought down, try to just focus and get to class, but before I can even start walking to the door I see a group coming my way. Mina, leading a pack of her friends, with Derek trailing along behind, smiling.

I freeze in place, my blood turning to ice as my heart hammers in my chest. She gets right in my face, her beauty intimidating and her eyes like burning coals. “What exactly do you want with my boyfriend?” Her voice is smooth and hard like polished steel.

My mouth opens and closes, unable to make a sound. Does she know? Has she seen the picture?

She smacks me on the side of the head. “Hey! Uggo! I asked you a question!”

The pain jars something loose inside me. “I… um…”

Her friends laugh at my pathetic mumbling, but Mina just presses her lips into a thin line and narrows her eyes at me. “You kissed him, right? Everyone saw it. You kissed my boyfriend, right here in front of the school.”

My eyes glance over her shoulder and I see Derek, that sharp smile on his face, and he’s waggling his phone at me. I look back at Mina. “I… yeah. Yeah, I… I kissed him.”

The laughter gets louder, and now Mina’s eyes are flashing. “Oh wow, the uggo can talk.” She reaches her immaculately manicured fingers up to my face and squeezes my cheeks, hard enough to **** a little whine from my mouth. “Listen, I don’t actually care what you want, alright uggo? Just stay the fuck away from my boyfriend. I don’t know what possessed you to kiss him like that when he’s so far out of your pathetic league, but if you ever try something like that again…” she releases my face and gives me a saccharine smile. “I’m gonna make you wish you were never born.”

I can only watch as she walks away, slipping Derek’s arm around her as he looks back at me over his shoulder and winks. So now people think I kissed him? Is that the story he’s telling? Is that why people were calling me a slut?

I don’t know what to do, so I just head to class. The spotlight I felt on me yesterday is so much worse now, brighter and more targeted. Girls tease me, begging me not to steal their boyfriends. Boys come up to me, asking when I’m going to kiss them. Some of them even start pushing, pinching, throwing things at me. I try to just keep my head down and endure it, but it all just makes me think about the kiss. The one he stole from me, and the one he didn’t take from me yesterday.

By lunchtime I’m a total mess. Shaking, short of breath, on the verge of tears. It’s starting to rain, so I can’t even go to my usual isolated spot outside. I head to the bathroom to eat in one of the stalls, but I see Mina and some of her friends hanging out by the entrance. I don’t know if they’re waiting for me, but I know better than to get close to her. I head the other way, toward the spare locker room that visiting teams use, hoping to find it unlocked. The handle turns and the door swings open and I let out a long grateful breath as I enter and the door closes behind me.

And just as soon as I let my guard down, I hear the door open again. Before I can react, he’s on me, arms wrapping around me pulling me back against him and I’m trapped. Trapped by his strength, trapped by his heat, trapped by my own shocking desire to be close to him. “You did good, Cassie. I’m glad I can trust you to keep our little secret.”

I tremble in his arms, part of me still afraid of him, still hating him, still **** to get away and hide from him. But even that part of me is starting to come around. He may be a monster, but there’s only one of him. After spending all morning at the mercy of the entire student body, being tormented by him alone is almost a relief.

He squeezes me tighter, and in spite of myself I let out a little moan. He takes the encouragement, his hands finding my chest and squeezing my breasts through my sweatshirt, gently at first but then firm, hard, rough, making me squirm in his arms. “Since I know you can keep a secret now, there’s all kinds of fun things we can get up to. You want that, right?” He moves one hand slowly down my front until he’s cupping my pussy through my jeans. Not squeezing it, but even just that light touch is enough to make my knees shake.

I’m breathing heavy, lost in the feeling of his hands on my body. He’s so warm, so solid, so strong. Of course I want more. Of course I want him to keep going. Can’t he tell? Isn’t it obvious?

He releases me from his grasp, and I hear him walking away. “Or not. Whatever, Cassie. Wouldn’t want to make you do something you don’t want.”

“Kiss me.” It’s a whisper, but in the stillness of the empty locker room it sounds like a gunshot.

He stops, and I hear him turn around. “What was that?”

I turn to face him, and that sharp hungry smile on his face does something inside me, helps me find my voice. “I want you to kiss me again.” Is that really my voice? Is that really me?

He takes a step towards me, closing the distance in one long stride. “Well that’s nice to hear.”

It all happens so fast. One strong arm is around my waist, pulling me tight against him and there’s a hand behind my head, holding it in place as his face comes closer and closer to mine. I close my eyes and open my mouth and then our lips are touching, pressing together, and his mouth opens to accept my soft moan.

It’s different this time, different because I’m kissing him back. Different because I want it. Different because now my hands are free, pressing against his broad chest, feeling his strength and his heat and his beating heart, slow and powerful. I’m melting in his arms, melting against him. His tongue invades my mouth and bright fireworks go off in my brain as my tongue meets his and they dance together, his leading the dance with mine an eager partner. I can’t believe this is happening. I never want it to end.

He breaks the kiss, still holding my trembling body in his arms, and I open my eyes to see him smiling down at me, making sparkles of joy bloom in my chest. He chuckles. “You know, you’re not half bad.” He lets me go and ruffles my hair, painfully hard, before stepping away toward the door. “Remember, our little secret.” And with a wink, he’s gone.

And I’m just standing here alone, terrified of what Mina will do if she finds out, dreading having to go back out and endure the harassment of the other students. But more than anything, **** for Derek to kiss me again. **** to find out what else he’ll do to me, the next time he gets me alone.