Solace

I would have sped if not for the roads. The snow wasn’t heavy, but it made things slick. The rational part of me told me it wouldn’t help either of us if something happened to me on the way there. It made the trip hell. I had no idea what happened, only that it was bad. Something had a hold of my stomach the entire trip. I kept looking over at the GPS as if the distance would magically disappear.

My calls went directly to voicemail and she wasn’t responding to texts. Whatever had happened, I needed to get there as quickly as possible. I couldn’t read her Noise but I heard everything I needed in her voice. All she had told me was the directions. A single address. What could have happened? It was supposed to be a weekend getaway for her and her boyfriend to celebrate their anniversary. The only thing I could think of was they broke up, but if that was the case, why the trip?

None of it mattered anyway. The only thing I cared about was making sure Natalie was okay.

Pulling off the main road, I carefully went down the side road leading deeper into the woods. Luckily the snow was lightening up but there was still an inch or two that had already fallen. The GPS led me to a cabin with numerous cars outside. A confusing sight considering this was supposed to be her and Thomas. Things escalated when I saw the slumped over form by the door. The roof over the porch had protected her from most of the snow, but her being outside in the cold instead of inside… Had she been out here the entire time?

I didn’t bother closing the door as I rushed through the snow to where she was huddled. There was a need in me as I searched for a Noise that wasn’t there. “Natalie?” I asked as I bent in front of her. Something rushed through my body as she moved. Red eyes met mine.

“Jake.” She sniffed as she spurred to life, her Noise growing stronger. “You’re here.” She sounded like she didn’t believe what she was seeing.

“I am.”

“Why?”

That wasn’t a question I expected considering the situation. “You called.” She stared, saying nothing as her Noise flowed around me. Dark emotions blanketed me. It was as if they were trying to **** me. “Come,” I said as I pulled at her. It was moments like this I wished I was physically stronger as I struggled to drag her to the car. Getting her into the passenger side, she had a far off look to her as I reached across her to buckle her in. While I was there, I grabbed a blanket from the backseat, glad I had the presence of mind to grab it in the rush to leave.

Bundled up, I closed the door and grabbed the suitcase she had been sitting next to and put it on the backseat. Back inside the drivers seat, I looked over at her. Her Noise was flat; numb to everything as she simply stared at the cabin door.

“Are you okay?” Useless words. I knew things weren’t okay. Beyond her physical appearance, her Noise was discomforting to see. The problem was that I had no idea what to do here. How did I comfort her? Reading Noise always guided my actions. Here I had no guideposts. Not hints on how to make things better. Could I even make it better? I wish Alexis had been at home. She hadn’t answered when I rang the doorbell and it seemed her phone was off.

My voice seemed to pull her out of whatever internal thoughts she was having. Her eyes were as flat as her Noise. “Aren’t you going to ask what happened?”

“My only concern is you.” I hesitated, replaying the words. Was that her way of telling me something bad happened? “Do I need to call the cops?”

Her noise spiked as dark emotions flowed through her Noise. “No. No. It was all consensual.”

“You haven’t answered my question. Are you okay?”

She looked away. Bunching up a part of the blanket, she rested her head against it and the door. Her voice a defeated whisper. “Nothing I haven’t done before.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I’m fine.”

A lie. Nothing about her was okay. I struggled to think of something. Anything. Reaching over, I rested my hand on her shoulder. Nothing coming to mind, I simply gave her a comforting squeeze. “Rest. I’ll get us home.”

I turned up the heat as I put the car into reverse. She lasted until the end of the side road as her Noise blipped out. It was a rare moment where I was thankful her Noise was gone. The pain and hurt there was too distracting.

I drove home thinking what to do. The entire way, not one idea on how to best comfort her or help. All I could do was be there however I could.

Pulling into the parking garage next to the apartment, I found a spot and parked the car. Killing the engine, I looked over at Natalie. She was still sleeping. I was **** to wake her, knowing the pain and hurt that awaited her outside her protective cocoon of sleep. As gently as I could, I roused her.

Her eyes fluttered open before looking around. Her Noise quickly followed. Confusion spiked before recognizing where we were. Then all the other things began to filter in and I stepped in before they could take hold.

“Come on,” I said as I popped the door open. “Let’s get inside.”

Lugging her suitcase behind us, we made our way over to our apartment building and went up the stairs.

“Thanks,” she said as she unlocked her door. “For coming to get me.”

“Anytime.” I followed her inside.

“You don’t—”

“I’m not going to leave you alone tonight. That isn’t happening.”

“I appreciate it, Jake, but I’m fine. Really.”

“You aren’t.”

Her jaw tightened and she didn’t fight me on it. “I need a shower.” My gaze went down as she pressed something in my hand. I found it was her key to the apartment. “Want to help? I need you to get me some morning-after pills. I’m not on birth control and I have no idea how many didn’t use condoms.”

The way she looked at me, I think she expected a certain reaction from me. I think she wanted to see it. Disappointment maybe? Disgust? My face remained as placid as always. Even if I could feel my emotions, I would have fought like hell to keep them to myself. I would do everything in my power to never give her negative emotions validation.

“I can do that.” She went to step away but I stopped her. “Hey,” I said as I wrapped her in a hug. “I am here for you. I will always be here for you.”

She didn’t say anything. Didn’t move to return the hug. She didn’t pull away either, so we remained like that for some time. When we did separate, her Noise seemed to have improved slightly—or at least stabilized. Enough that I felt comfortable leaving her alone for the moment.

I left her apartment, stretching my Gift as far as I could as I rushed down the stairs and out into the snow. It was freezing, but between my coat and brisk pace I didn’t feel it. I had to go an extra block to find a place with what I needed that was still open. At the same time, I grabbed more condoms knowing I was starting to run low and Chloe would undoubtedly be over again this week. I also grabbed a few snack foods I knew Natalie liked and checked out. All I could think about was Natalie. No matter how I pushed my Gift, she was too far for me to see. After paying, I rushed back.

Opening the door, I found a trail of clothes leading to the bathroom. She wasn’t there however. I followed her Noise to the bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she had a towel wrapped around her. Catching my movement at the door, she looked over.

“I have them,” I said as I moved into the room. “I also got you some snacks. If you are hungry.” Handing her the bag, I stepped away as she opened it. She dug around for a moment then froze. Pulling out the box of condoms, she looked at me.

Stupid. I should have gotten those later.

“Ah, those are mine.” Her eyes remained fixed as I held out my hand. After an awkward silence, she put them in my hand and I took a step back.

“A part of me wouldn’t mind using a few of them with you,” she said with a soft voice as she dug through the plastic bag for the pills. She shook her head, a bitterness invading her voice and noise. “Unbelievable. Even after all those guys…”

Stuffing the box into my coat pocket, I pulled it off and set it aside before joining her on the bed.

She let out a long breath, looking up at the ceiling. “You know what hurts the most? It isn’t how readily I spread my legs for all of them or how I enjoyed myself, it’s that Tommy sat there and watched. He watched. He had the same look the other guys did. I wasn’t the woman he loved, only some slut to get off with.” She was fighting back tears, wiping at her eyes as she struggled. “He looked at me like that, and all I did was prove him right.”

Reaching over, I pulled her against me and rubbed her arm.

“I loved him.”

“I know,” I whispered as I watched her heart break through her Noise.

“All I can think about is when? When did I lose him?”

“In the few times I met him, I never saw the same love in his Noise.”

She pulled away, eyes wide. “What?”

My stomach dropped as I realized my mistake. “I—”

“Don’t lie to me.” Facing me, she gave me an intense look. “Your Gift allows you to see emotions. What did you see from him?”

I remained silent. This was a no win situation and I was trapped. No matter what I said, it would end up hurting her.

“Please.”

“Lust. Desire.” She waited. “Overall, there was a cold numbness. Indifference perhaps.”

Fresh tears ran down her face as she looked away. “So it was all a lie.”

I didn’t say anything, letting her process.

“You knew this entire time.” Anger was rising in her Noise. It was quickly burning through the misery and sorrow. “You knew he didn’t love me, yet you said nothing.”

“Would you have believed me?”

“But to sit there and do nothing. You call yourself a friend? You are just as fucking bad as he is!” she said as she stood. “Get out.” I read her Noise in silence. Her words rolled off me as I let her anger break against me. Her words were just words after all. I could see what was behind them. The pain. Grief. She was angry and hurting in a way that overwhelmed her. I was her unfortunate victim to release all the emotions that overwhelmed her. Standing, I readily accepted my role.

“I said Get. Out.”

“No.”

Her fist hit my chest but there was no power behind it. “You let me believe he loved me. You let me believe we had a future.” More tears as she continued to hit my chest. “It was all a lie. All of it. Tommy loving me. Me being a better person. All a fucking lie.”

Reaching out, I grabbed her arms. There was a brief struggle as she tried to hit me again, but she gave up under my firm grip. “That isn’t true,” I said in what I hoped was a soothing voice. “Maybe Thomas was a scummy asshole, but you have always been a good person. That hasn’t changed. Not now. Not ever.”

“You don’t know me. You have no idea what I’ve done.”

“I know you are a wonderful sister. You have a big heart. You work hard and do your best to make sure Alexis has all the support she needs.” My hands went to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks. “For all intents and purposes, there was no reason for you to try so hard to be friends with me. I was a weird kid with bottled up emotions, yet you never left me alone. I remember you bringing me over dinner because you thought I couldn’t cook and you wanted me to eat something beside frozen foods.”

For the briefest of moments, a smile formed and a happy memory cut through the grief and pain in her Noise. She sniffed heavily. “Can you blame me? Every time I saw you, you had a bag full of junk food from the convenience store.”

“Because Alexis kept eating it all.”

She laughed, wiping at her face. She had grabbed hold of the memory of Alexis and was holding onto it with everything she had. A shield from the pain. “How is she not a thousand pounds by now? It actually pisses me off with how much she eats. I look at a candy bar and gain five pounds.”

The happier memories fought against the growing darkness and lost.

“I know it is just words, but you are not the idiot here. Thomas had such a wonderful woman at his side and he foolishly threw it away. I see you, Natalie. I saw your love for him. How powerful and complete it was. Any man should be blessed with the purity and intensity of your feelings.” I ran my hands over her arms in a way that I hoped was comforting. “It is perfectly acceptable to feel pain and loss and grief. I am here for you. One thing I will not allow is you to hate yourself, because you have done nothing that warrants such hate. You are you, and I love you just as you are. Alexis loves you. You are loved and will always be loved.”

I was relieved to see her Noise responding to my words. It was still heavy with the hurt and grief, but the darker emotions were fading. After a bit more crying, we ended up in bed. With my chest against her back, she held my arm against her. I held her until I saw her Noise blink out. As her breathing grew heavy and slow, I continued to hold her as I relaxed my body before I joined her in sleep.