Milkshake Therapy

“It’s really coming down, isn’t it?”

I said nothing, my eyes not leaving her as she looked out the window. In front of her were two empty milkshakes. Both of them had been hers. I could see from her Noise that she was still enjoying the euphoria bump from lunch, but she was calmer now.

“Think they will cancel school?”

“We should skip tomorrow regardless.”

“Oh my. What mischief are you planning?”

I avoided the question with one of my own. “What are you going to tell your mom?”

“I’ll figure something out,” she said with a shrug.

I nodded and fell back into my thoughts. A part of me was uncomfortable because I went against Chloe’s wishes to avoid her Noise when she was working. She had not been happy about that, but how was I supposed to do that when I cared about her? She was important to me, and I wanted her to be safe.

I don’t know what the conversation had been about, but I’d seen the emotions she felt. The confidence and determination shifting to fear, then her brilliant fury before it was all washed away in her Gift. Something said had angered her and I had a suspicion that there had been an unwillingness to proceed. As she couldn’t help her Gift, the feelings it created were irrelevant to the event, only the ones preceding it. The underlying danger of her Gift was how it artificially boosted her mood. The normal negative emotions brought about by **** barely had a chance to form. Euphoria and bliss of the moment stained the memory of the experience. It made her resilient, but it insulated her in a way that made it easier to take advantage. If a person felt no pain, they could inflict a great deal of damage to themselves before they realized they were even injured.

“Jake?” My eyes focused on her. She was nervously spinning one of the empty milkshake glasses in place. “You’ve barely said anything since we left school.”

“You were angry.” She stopped her nervous fidgeting to look at me as I confirmed that I’d been using my Gift to observe her.

“I was,” she said with a long breath. An undercurrent of anger was there, but it failed to gain traction with her euphoria bump. “The bastard threatened me, and I just… went along with it.” Her eyes fell away, and her voice softened. I said nothing, waiting for her to continue. “I mean, I knew that was going to happen, and it certainly wasn’t the first time. Still, this was the first time he threatened me. First time I felt like I didn’t match him in the power dynamics, if I ever really did.” She sank back into the booth. “Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. The other times, I always believed I could walk away. I was choosing to continue, as much for me as he got out of it. Today popped that illusion. I was always below him and was just lying to myself.”

Her smile was a bitter one. “And you saw it. Despite everything, I still enjoyed it. Fuck, I can’t even be angry right now. At him or you.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “You did it out of concern for me, so at least it came from a place of good. At the same time, I’ve told you numerous times not to look in on me while I’m with other guys. I don’t want you to see me… like that.”

“I will remind you that I’ve seen you a few times. Both physically and through your Noise.”

“Doesn’t mean I like you seeing me like that,” she said with a look. Her eyes slid off me as she sighed. “But I guess that is part of the lie too, isn’t it? Pretend I’m not what I am.”

Her eyes went to the empty glass as she continued to slowly rotate it in her hands. Her voice lowered so only I could hear—not that there was anyone to listen in. The only other people were the staff. The lunch rush had been ending when we arrived, and now we were the only ones left. “I am a whore. If I had to choose between being a good girlfriend and being a whore—”

I interrupted her. Words I knew belied her real feelings, distorted by her euphoric high and the Gift within her. “You know I don’t like hearing you call yourself that.”

“I have stacks of cash at home that suggest otherwise. But that isn’t the point of this. If given a choice, I’ll always choose being a whore. It’s what I’ve been choosing to be over and over again. Even after we started dating, I’ve been making the same choice. I don’t have to do this. Nothing is stopping me from walking away from it all. There is plenty of money to leave everything behind and start fresh. But I don’t. Not because I can’t, but because I won’t.” She met my gaze. “I enjoy what I do.”

“I know.”

She didn’t hold my gaze long, already looking elsewhere. “Maybe that is why I’ve always felt so disgusted by it all. Not because of what I was doing, but because deep down I knew that I enjoyed it.”

“Enjoying something isn’t a bad thing, Chloe.”

“Yeah, except when it is. Who the hell enjoys selling their body for money? And not just once or twice, but repeatedly. Fuck, it’s not even about the money. Not anymore. I do it because—”

“You enjoy it.” She stared at me expectantly. For what, I didn’t know. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t going to get it from me. This wasn’t a traditional relationship and never would be. I couldn’t provide her with the emotional judgements or reactions she was expecting from her announcement that she enjoyed sleeping around. From a dispassionate and logical view, this arrangement was a benefit to both of us. I was unmoved by the type of sex she craved. The sex where she let her Gift go wild. I enjoyed it, but not the same way she did. Provided she took proper precautions to keep herself safe, there was no reason for me to stop her. I had to be realistic about some things. It was doubtful she would ever be sexually fulfilled by me alone, not with the libido she had. I simply didn’t have that drive and preferred a different kind of sexual intimacy. She would get her fulfillment, and I would continue enjoying her presence with the occasional moments of lovemaking.

But this wasn’t dispassionate or logical, not when emotions were involved. Emotions that I wasn’t built for. Not properly, anyway.

She sighed, shaking her head at my lack of reaction. There was a momentary spike of disappointment.

“You’re disappointed.”

“Because you aren’t reacting. It’s not a big surprise. I mean, you’ve told me over and over again you don’t feel anything. I know that, but it would have been nice for you… I don’t know. Maybe be a little pissed that I was telling you how much I enjoyed fucking other people.”

“Would that help?”

“Help? No. Doesn’t mean I wanted you completely fine with me fucking everyone with a wad of cash to burn. I mean, we’re dating, Jake. It should bother you.”

“Should it? I’ve told you repeatedly that I have no issues with what you do. The only concern I have ever had is for your safety and wellbeing.” Once more, I wished I could empathize with her. My greatest failure in this relationship was staring me in the face. I was an emotionally distant partner. I tried my best to be here for her, to understand what she was going through, but there would always be this distance. There was an unbridgeable gap where we stood on opposing sides.

I studied her Noise, trying to get a feel for the emotions her euphoria was minimizing. “Is part of you wanting to stop, but you’re hesitant and hoping I’ll push you?”

Her Noise was conflicted, but I knew the answer the moment she did. Barely a moment passed as she spoke. “No.”

“Would you stop if I asked?”

“Probably, but—”

“Then why does it bother you so much?”

There was hesitation as a mild fear ran through her. Concern and worry built up, along with jealousy and uncertainty. She fidgeted in place, looking down at her lap. “If you are okay with your girlfriend sleeping around, why did you and Alexis…?”

Was she still concerned about my relationship with Alexis? I saw the occasional flare of envy and jealousy between the two when I was involved, but nothing more than what a passing thought would be. There one moment, gone the next.

“She never wanted a boyfriend, at least in the traditional sense. She wants a partner to share—a partner to be shared with. I love her, but I can’t give her what she wants or be who she wants. A part of me wishes I could, but I am who I am.” I paused, seeing my words settle her Noise. “You are different. In the time we have known each other, I have seen your desire to connect. I know we have our difficulties and that I can’t be there emotionally for you, but the understanding is there. You understand me, I know you do. I feel it in your Noise whenever we are together. And I understand you. Perhaps we can never fully communicate that understanding, but it is there. It is growing and evolving.

“So I understand why you continue sharing your Gift with others. I won’t think any less of you because I know it is the physicality of the experience, not the connection that drives you. No matter who you are with at the time, I will always be your boyfriend. That connection we have will never be shared with another.” I leaned closer. “I see it in your Noise, Chloe. When we are together, it looks nothing like what you experience with other men. Even when our intimacy is purely for physical purposes, your Noise is still different. Whole. That is what makes you different than Alexis. Different than any other woman on the planet. So long as that never goes away, I will always love you.”

Her euphoria made it hard to see the extent of what my words had on her, but she seemed in a better mood and more accepting of her current feelings.

I paid the bill and we left.

She didn’t say anything when it became clear I wasn’t heading to her apartment. She had retreated into her thoughts, staring out the window as I drove. I did my best to give her privacy, but her Noise was constant whenever she was around me. There was nothing concerning there, and I took comfort in the fact that Chloe was still Chloe. A little melancholy and some spikes of anger flashing like lightning in a cloud of euphoria, but overall doing far better considering the situation.

Back in my apartment, she said nothing, walking past everything straight to my bathroom. The shower started and I gave her space. I was in bed scrolling on my phone when she came out, a towel wrapped around her. My eyes tracked her as she slipped into my room, arm against her chest. She stopped at the foot of the bed.

“Do you want to fuck me?”

The bluntness of her statement was unexpected. I didn’t answer right away. She was acting strange. None of the usual things I expected to see were there. She wasn’t excited or experiencing lust or desire. Compared to how she normally was when sex was brought up, she was empty. Not even the euphoria could hide the lack of desire in her words.

I didn’t like it.

“No.”

Negative emotions butted against her euphoria cloud, nudging it. “Because of him? What I did?”

“Because you don’t want to.”

“How do you—”

“Chloe.”

She shook her head, letting out a sigh. “Right. Of course. My noise.”

I set my phone aside and stood. She didn’t move as I walked around the bed to stand in front of her. I knew what she was seeking. That emotional connection and proof that what I said was true. Despite what she was doing and what she desired, I still wanted her. Needed her.

Finger beneath her chin, I tilted her head so that she was looking up and gently kissed her. A hand touched my chest, tentative. Hesitant. Her Noise shifted. Negative emotions were overwhelmed by a small burst of hope and need. Her other hand joined the first, fingers clutching my shirt.

Deepening the kiss, I hoped to convey the things I couldn’t feel. She was needed. Loved.

It was a long but gentle kiss. One that lingered long after we separated. Staring at her, I watched as she smiled that cute smile of hers. I watched as her Noise danced happily around us, smothering me in a presence I could never escape from. Not that I would ever want to escape from it in the first place.

Stripping off my uniform, I didn’t bother hanging it up as I joined her in bed. We cuddled, enjoying the physical connection as well as the presence of each other.

“Rest up,” I said before kissing her forehead. “Tomorrow is going to be a busy day.”

“Hmm?”

“Because snow day or not, I’m going to have you All. Day. Long.”