Cthulhu arrives... And so does someone else

"Yeah! That's the one!" Satie said as she poked her head out of the shower. "Cthulhu!"

"Now wait just a bronco bucking second here!" Buddy said, "Ah ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even I know that there guy is a character in a book!"

"Lovecraft said that he got the ideas from his stories from a dream, Yokel. Where do you think he got the dream from?"

The group turned around to see a tall, muscular man with short green hair and red eyes stepping out of his pants as he entered the room. Lucy raised an eyebrow, never fully trusting the old one, before turning to Kyle... A look of concern on her face as she saw the young man rub his head with a groan. "Kyle, are you -"

Lucy was suddenly cut off as Hailey exploded in a fit of panicked tears and Buddy bursted out into a fit of insane hysterical laughter. A second later, Kyle began to laugh like an escaped metal patient before babbling incoherent nonsense.

"What the hell has gotten into you guys?! Have you gone complete- Oh yeah. That's right..." Lucy muttered before turning to Satie. "Uh, Satie..."

"Oh, right." Satie said apologetically. "Hey, Louie! Mind turning off the madness for a second?"

"Oh, sure." Louie said halfheartedly as he snapped his fingers. Almost immediately, the three mortals stopped laughing, crying, and babbling, desperately trying to catch their breath as Kyle shook his head.

"So, Babe." Louie said with a lustful growl, dropping his boxers to reveal all twenty-four inches of his pride before sliding into the shower next to Satie. "Caught you one-shotting ol' Polyphemus in the ring. Sexy as hell! Who're your friends?"

"Oh, you know Lucy." Satie said, gesturing to the group as she leaned her back to his chest. "Not sure who Tubby and Her-Cules here are, but the guy with her is Kyle. The guy she needs to preform the ritual with."

"Oh, you mean that demonic orgy you told me so much about?" Louie purred. "Mmh. I'd love to see and be a part of that..."

"Ooh, what a shame! Because you have a funeral to attend to that you can't afford to miss... Considering you'll be the one in the freaking box!"

Lucy, Louie, and Satie spun around to see a tall, voluptuous, and busty woman with long, green hair, red eyes, and a mouth full of fangs the size of human teeth. Lucy noticed that Louie looked a little frightened as Kyle, Buddy, and Hailey began laughing , crying, and babbling like asylum inmates again.

"I hope for your sake, Cthulhu, I'm seeing things and you aren't standing naked in a shower with a floosy imp and about to have a six way with another imp and..." The Woman snarled as she saw the laughing trio, "Are those mortal humans?!"

"Who the hell are you calling an 'Imp', you snaggletooth bitch!" Satie growled as she stepped out of the shower and shoved the taller, fully dressed woman. "I'm a demon! More importantly, I'm Satan! And who the hell do you think you are anyway?!"

"Don't you dare shove a Great Old One, you harlot! I've been worshipped for years before you and your kind were even ideas!" The Woman snarled. "More to the point, I am Idh-yaa; The Mighty Mother! The Xothic Matriarch! And most importantly," she narrowed her eyes and growled, "mate and wife of Lord Cthulhu!"

Satie went wide eyed at that, frighteningly quiet. However, Lucy could see that the demon lord of wrath was starting to visibly shake as fire surrounded her fists, the water droplets on her body turning to steam as her eye began to twitch rapidly. Lucy carefully grabbed Kyle, Buddy, and Hailey as she dragged the three back a few feet while Satie turned on her heel towards the sheepish Cthulhu in the shower.

"You're... Fucking... MARRIED?!" Satie exploded, releasing a burst of flame that reduced the lockers, benches, and the clothing of the two Great Old Ones to ashes, leaving them just as naked as her.

"And he's the father of our four children!" Idh-yaa stated, not phased at her current nudity as she placed her hands on her hips. "Three sons and a daughter. All adults now, yes, but still..."

"AND YOU HAVE KIDS?!" Satie screamed.

"You didn't have to do it inside me, you know!" Roxie spat angrily as she and Grant walked down the street, the two stopping next to an abandoned truck outside a weapons museum.

"Hey! I told you not to move!" Grant fired back. "What more do you want from me?! Hell! You just may have been the worst sex experience I ever had in my life!"

"Oh, that's it!" Roxie snapped as she reached into the truck and grabbed the hilt of an iron age longsword, aiming it Grant. "I'm going solo!"

"Whoa! Put that thing down, you psycho!" Grant yelled as Roxie held the blade up to his throat.

"So, I'm that bad in bed, huh?!"

"Of course not! You're a hundred thousand times better than either of my ex-wives were! Hell! A part of me wonders how good you are in an actual bed!"

"... Wait what?" Roxie asked as Grant covered his mouth, blushing furiously as Roxie lowered the sword. "Really?"

"O-of course not!" Grant shouted, his stammering betraying him. "It was the most..." Roxie raised the sword to his throat again, "Amazing feeling I ever experienced! Hell! I actually wanted to bang you for a while, but then you slept with my exes and my sister, and -" Roxie lowered the sword and Grant blushed harder, "What the hell is going on?! Why am I saying all this?!"

"I... Maybe I'm crazy, but I think this sword is forcing you to tell the truth." Roxie said. At seeing Grant's expression, she said, "Here! You hold it up to my neck and ask me something I'd never admit to you!"

"Okay..." Grant said as he took the hilt and placed the sword on Roxie's neck. "Why were you wearing Barney panties tonight?"

"I love that purple dinosaur! My underwear drawer is filled with those kind of panties." Roxie admitted, "Hell! I even have a room at my house filled with Barney memorabilia and merchandise that I practically live in on my days -"

Grant pulled the sword away as Roxie's entire body burned red, the man nearly falling over with laughter.

"S-shut up!" Roxie snapped.

"Oh my God!" Grant laughed, "Even freaking Hailey knows when to give up on a childish show. And she still watches cartoons!"

"I said shut the hell up!"

Grant continued to laugh before looking over the sword, his laughter dying as he looked the weapon over. "Holy- Do you have any idea what the hell this is?!"

"Humor me..."

"This is Fragarach!" Grant exclaimed.

"It's what?!"

"Fragarach! Weren't you paying attention during the magical weapons seminar?"

"I was busy that day."

"What? Watching that annoying pest?"

"Just tell me what's so special about that overgrown rusty toothpick!"

"Fragarach is a magical sword from Irish mythology that, according to legend, forces people to tell the truth when the blade is at an opponent's throat." Grant explained with a grin, causing Roxie to roll her eyes as he geeked out. "We can use this!"

"To do what? Play Spanish Inquisition?"

"No! Fragarach is also rumored to cause wounds that no man could recover from, cut through any shield or wall, and could be used to control the wind!" Grant replied, "Just one tornado or hurricane..."

"And we wipe out half the city." Roxie finished.

"Hey! Once they find out we killed The Devil, they'll consider it a necessary evil." Grant replied. At Roxie's expression, he groaned. "Okay, fine! We'll just use the other abilities."

"Okay, first off, do you even know how to use a sword?" Roxie asked, smirking smugly. "Because I have been training with several of the best sword fighters in the - Actually, I used to work as a waitress at Medieval Times and I memorized the swordplay and -" she shot Grant a **** glare as he removed the sword with a smug grin, "Will you stop that?!"

"No." Grant said, "However, I did take fencing lessons when I was twelve. I know this isn't a rapier, but how hard can it be?"

"Second, even if we used that one The Devil, we don't even know where she -"

Suddenly, a flame of fire shot out from the roof of the gym from across the street, cutting Roxie off before the flame went down.

"I think we know now."

"I hope nobody was up there..." Lucy said as she looked up at the hole burnt into the roof before returning to the laughing Buddy, crying Hailey, and incoherent babbling Kyle.

"You freaking ass!" Satie yelled, glaring at Cthulhu.

"Satie. Idh-yaa." Cthulhu said nervously as he eyed the two naked and angry women. "I... I can explain -"

"You told me you were single!" Satie snarled, "You told me you didn't have kids!"

"Oh! I bet Cthylla will be so pleased to hear that!" Idh-yaa snapped sarcastically before turning to Satie. "And as for you, you harlot -"

"Hey! He put the moves on me, Octo Bitch!" Satie snapped, fire growing from her hands.

"How dare you?!" Idh-yaa snarled, a dark green aura surrounding her.

"Uh, can I say something before you two bring this gym down on top of all of us?" Lucy called out as Satie and the two Great Old Ones turned to her. Clearing her throat, Lucy continued. "Now, I think we might need to get to the bottom of this, and to do that, we need to get to the root of the problem you and Cthulhu have in your relationship, Mrs. Idh-yaa."

"What are you, some kinda shrink?!" Idh-yaa asked.

"Well, no." Lucy admitted, "But Kyle here fixed a two million year old relationship problem in ten minutes earlier tonight, and he's not a shrink either. I'm sure he can help you two once you turn the crazy off."

Idh-yaa turned to Kyle with a skeptical look as the man babbled incoherent gibberish, the Great Old One tapping her chin in thought.