The Anyblender

Jim stared at the shoe boxed sized package on his doorstep, having just come home from a long day of work in IT he wanted nothing more than to sit back and relax before Sharon came home. He didn't remember ordering anything in the past couple of weeks, when he noticed the shipping label from a B.E.A Industries.

B.E.A Industries were the makers of non-conventional and very niche experimental novelty devices, He and Rick often ordered their products from the wacky looking catalog that would look more at home in a comic book than real life. Jim studied the package carefully, it had been more than a year after he had promised Sharon he would shelve his childish perverted experiments and crazy hijinks with Rick and focus on his career. Jim had kept his word to her, no matter how perverted and eccentric he was, he still loved Sharon. Rick was visibly upset, but supported Jim's decision and promised Jim that he would continue to probe the depths of “Bio-Sensual” science in his absence.

Jim tightened his grip on the parcel, he couldn't remember the last time he ordered something from the goofy B.E.A. Catalog, it had to be a lot longer than a year. The shipping label had his home address, however it was addressed to a Mr. Biggie Smalls. Jim sighed, this had to be for Rick. His sometimes overly paranoid friend would always order packages through silly aliases and use various P.O. Boxes and family and friends addresses to throw off whatever cover organization he heard about on the various conspiracy sites he loved to read.

He left it on the kitchen table while he fixed himself a sandwich, all the while his mind was preoccupied with memories of all the insane pranks and crazy adventures him and rick used to have when they teamed up to cause panic in the girls locker rooms and terrorize the popular cliques in high school with their made up inventions. It was only after a few minutes of Jim absentmindedly slathering half a pound of mayonnaise on the palm of his hand did he make up his mind.

What could it hurt, just to see what was in the box, for old times sake. Rick often ed opened his mail on many occasions trying to find government tracking devices and other such nonsense. He could just tell them he opened it just to save rick the trouble himself.

He had just made up his mind when he suddenly found himself already sitting at the kitchen table with the packaging already torn in half from a sudden frenzy, Jim didn’t even remember opening the box.

He was slightly underwhelmed by what was inside. To the outside observer it looked like an ordinary blender. But a blender nonetheless. The product box showcased a 1950's housewife wearing 3D glasses while in a kitchen with the blender. There wasn’t any writing or any distinguishing characteristics as to what features it had or even a manufacture, just an old vintage ad.

Had B.E.A. Changed its practices? Were they just a household appliance company now? Jim was now even more curious than ever.

He swiftly tore off the top and dumped it's contents onto the kitchen table. Jim’s eyes bulged out as what was inside the box was far more than just some vintage milkshake machine. A large OLED touch screen device attached to the bottom of large clear cylinder. Shaking the box for any other pieces yielded a smaller PDA sized touch screen device and a small four page instruction booklet for the ANY BLENDER P Ver 0.009

Version zero point zero zero nine? For some reason made Jim a bit uneasy. He flipped through the small booklet for more info and just like the box lacked any sort of clear instruction, just basic pictures of the device, a baby and lobster. The next page showed an equation Baby + Lobster + ANYBLENDER P =, and continued on the next page with a drawing of some sort of fused lobster baby thing. Jim had a small inkling of what the device was capable of but was highly doubtful it could do such a thing it advertised.

It only took him a few seconds to have the machine set up, as it seemed to come with it's own internal batteries. He chuckled when the windows boot chime sounded when he turned it on. A few minutes of loading screens later the device was fully functioning and had a blinking SCAN DATA icon in the center. Jim blinked, and then scrambled to look for the PDA it was packaged with, finding it under the table he saw that it too had been turned on and had already synced with the main device. The cell phone like device showcased the same setup as on the ANYBLENDER P machine. However the device had a couple extra buttons on the bottom menu. SCAN, STORE, and COPY. Jim not really paying attention pressed the scan button and was shocked when a very bright red beam encircled a spoon the kitchen table and dematerialize before his very eyes, all in a matter of seconds. When he looked back at the device it showed a copy of spoon on the touch screen and some new options that appeared beside the rest. A plus symbol, a minus symbol and a percentage symbol along with a small red button that said RELEASE. Pushing these new buttons didn’t produce anything other than an error pop up saying “Please Scan Secondary Specimen”. Jim decided to scan the fork on the table as well and soon it had dematerialized just like the spoon.

When it was finished he noticed the actual blender for the first time, in the large clear cylinder was a hazy almost holographic image of the spoon and fork side by side. The screen below showcased a myriad of new options. BLEND, CUT AND PASTE, RANDOM, as well as a few others that Jim ignored for the time being. His curiosity now piqued at its maximum Jim jammed his finger down onto the BLEND option and watched with anticipation as the holographic image in the tube began to swirl like a virtual tornado. The image of the fork and spoon literally blending together like chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

As the tornado sped up into a hurricane it stopped as suddenly as it appeared with a loud toaster like ding! Which stirred Jim from his stupor. The cylinder was empty and he could find no traces of the fork or spoon in anywhere near the device. Jim sighed in disappointment and dropped the PDA onto the kitchen table, causing the silverware to clatter noisily from the impact.

Jim opened his eyes at the sound, the only silverware at the table was the stuff he just zapped. Slowly he reached across and grasped the only remaining utensil. Jim’s eyes went wide and his jaw became slack.

Jim had done what no scientist would ever dream of doing with such a revolutionary device, something that not even his wildest dreams could have ever imagined....

Jim had created a spork.