Comfort?

Facing Existence- rough draft v3 (And sorry in advance. For what? You'll know when you get there.)

After Mark stormed back into the gym Alex offered to 'give him a 'talk' but Natalie told him. "Its appreciated but they we'll deal with it later. No use getting yourself in touble.

His response was simply."Fine, but I'll still be talking with him, but more a talk and less a 'talk', if you get me"

Jasmine and Natalie left the gym, the echo of Mark's harsh words still ringing in their ears. The air outside was cool, a sharp contrast to the heated atmosphere they had just left. Natalie's grip on Jasmine's hand tightened, a wordless show of support that Jasmine desperately needed.

"Are you okay?" Natalie asked, her voice soft with concern. Her eyes scanned Jasmine's face, taking in the worry lines that creased her forehead and the haunted look in her eyes.

Jasmine nodded, but her silence spoke volumes. Natalie squeezed her hand again, trying to offer some measure of comfort, even as her own anger simmered just beneath the surface. Mark's reaction had been hurtful, unexpected, but she refused to let it taint this day for Jasmine.

As they made their way to the college, Natalie attempted to distract Jasmine from her thoughts. She pointed out interesting sights, shared amusing anecdotes, and even attempted to crack a few jokes. But it was like trying to break through a wall. Jasmine's mind was a whirlwind, a chaotic storm of thoughts and emotions that Natalie could only guess at.

Her hand was held securely by Natalie, and despite the comforting physical contact, she felt an unsettling chill creeping up her spine. Her mind was a whirlwind of introspective dread, the idea of her own identity suddenly feeling like a Pandora's box that she wasn't quite sure she should have opened.

'Who am I?' she wondered, her heart pounding in her chest. 'Am I Jasmine? Am I still Jeremy somewhere deep inside? Can I be both? Or neither?' These questions echoed within her, bouncing off the walls of her mind in a dissonant symphony of self-doubt.

The concept of self was a labyrinth that she found herself lost in. She could still remember the days when she was Jeremy, when her existence was simpler but unfulfilling. Now, as Jasmine, she felt more authentic, more herself, but the reactions of others were a cruel reminder of the complex world she had stepped into.

Mark's rejection was a sharp sting, a painful confirmation of the fears that had always lurked in the back of her mind. 'Will everyone react this way?' she wondered, the thought sending a shiver of fear through her. 'Will they all reject me, like Mark did?'

Her mind was a tumultuous sea of existential dread and fear of rejection. Her sense of self, her identity, felt fragile and under threat. But beneath it all, there was a small, stubborn spark of determination. She was Jasmine, and she wouldn't let fear or rejection change that. But oh, how the fear gnawed at her...

Natalie's own anger was a silent simmer beneath her cheerful exterior. Mark's words had struck a nerve, and she found herself wanting to turn back, to confront him. But she pushed that aside. Now wasn't the time for her anger. Now was the time for Jasmine.

Natalie, while the more outwardly confident and assertive of the two, at least since they started dating, found herself in uncharted territory as they made their way to the college. Her usual methods of comforting Jasmine seemed to bounce off the wall of introspective dread that had settled around her girlfriend. The sight of Jasmine lost in her thoughts, her face etched with concern, filled Natalie with a sense of helplessness she was not accustomed to.

Natalie tried to distract Jasmine by pointing out the various interesting sights they passed by. The street performers juggling balls of fire, the group of art students sketching the city skyline, even the adorably chubby puppy being walked by an elderly man. Each attempt was met with a half-hearted smile and a non-committal "Mmm."

In an attempt to cheer Jasmine up, Natalie launched into a detailed description of the latest episode of their favorite show. What was great, what wasn't. She mimicked the characters' accents, recounted the hilarious punchlines, and even acted out a particularly funny scene. Jasmine chuckled softly at her antics, but her laughter didn't quite reach her eyes. Normally bring up a show like that would have them both deep in fandom banter.

Next, Natalie tried a more direct approach. She squeezed Jasmine's hand and told her that everything would be okay, that they would tackle any issues at the college together, just like they always did. Jasmine nodded, giving Natalie a small, appreciative smile. But the worry lines on her face refused to fade, and her gaze remained distant.

Finally, Natalie resorted to cheesy jokes and terrible puns, a tactic that never failed to elicit at least a giggle from Jasmine. She strung together pun after pun, each more terrible than the last, filling the air with her ridiculous humor. Jasmine laughed at a few, her face lighting up briefly before falling back into contemplation.

No matter what she tried, Natalie couldn't seem to shake Jasmine from her introspection. It was a sobering reminder of the gravity of the situation they were in. But despite her failed attempts, Natalie didn't give up. She kept trying, kept talking, kept holding Jasmine's hand, offering her unwavering support and love. Even when her words didn't seem to reach Jasmine, her presence did. It was a silent promise, a reassurance, that no matter what, Natalie would be there.

As they walked, Natalie felt a squeeze from Jasmine's hand, a small but sure sign of communication. She glanced over, noticing Jasmine's gaze finally focusing on her rather than being lost in distant thoughts. There was still a haunted look in her eyes, but it was interspersed with an attempt at a comforting smile. Jasmine was trying to reach out, despite the whirlwind of emotions within her.

"Natalie..." Jasmine's voice was soft, but it held a firmness that hadn't been there a few moments ago. "I... I need to talk. I know I've been lost in my head... I think... I think I need to let some of it out."

Natalie nodded, immediately falling silent, giving Jasmine the space to express herself. She squeezed Jasmine's hand in return, encouraging her to share what she felt comfortable with.

"I've been thinking about... about everything," Jasmine began, her voice shaky. "I've been thinking about who I am, who I was... who I'm supposed to be. And it's... it's scary, Nat."

"It's like... like I've been living my life looking through a frosted window, and now it's suddenly clear. I can see myself, as I truly am. But I'm scared... scared that others won't see me the same way. That they'll reject me, that they won't... won't accept me."

"And... and I've been thinking about Mark, about the gym, about how I used to be there, how I used to fit in... and now, now that I'm Jasmine... I don't know if I'll ever fit in there again. I don't know if I'll ever fit in anywhere again."

There was a raw vulnerability in Jasmine's words, her fears laid bare. Natalie felt a pang in her heart, wishing she could take away Jasmine's fears, wishing she could make the world a safer

Natalie noticed Jasmine’s grip tightening around her hand, her knuckles turning white. She could see Jasmine wrestling with something deep, something that had been hidden away for a long time.

"Nat," Jasmine began, her voice barely a whisper. "You know I was raised in a very religious home, right?"

Natalie nodded, remembering Jasmine mentioning it briefly in the past. Jasmine took a deep breath, as if steeling herself for what she was about to share.

"My parents... they always had this image of who I was supposed to be. A 'good boy', a 'man of God', a 'pillar of the community'. They never saw me for who I really was, they only saw what they wanted me to be. And whenever I didn't meet their expectations, they would... they would..."

Jasmine trailed off, her eyes welling up with tears. Natalie could only imagine the pain and rejection Jasmine must have felt. She gently squeezed Jasmine's hand, a silent promise that she was there for her, that she would listen, that she would not judge.

"They would tell me that I was sinful, that I was lost, that I needed to repent, that to sin is to deserve to burn for all time, put repent and god will save you. Yeah save you from himself." Jasmine continued, whispering the last part, her voice choked with emotion. " It was always bad with even minor mess up being a matter of morals, of faith, of my very soul. But all of that paled in comparison to my 'two mess ups', that's all they were ever referred to, Once when I let my older sister use me to model a skirt, the other when I came to them scared, because I had a crush on another guy for the first time, and as far as they know, only time. They told me that God made me a man, and that any deviation from that was a direct affront to Him. That I was... I was an abomination. That It was wrong, that I was wrong, That having that crush was the same as 'doing it', that any impure thoughts from it was the same as **** or ****. I had been punished before, had things taken away or broken, had my ability to do anything besides do homework and sleep taken away. That included reading, going in the back yard, talking to our neighbor, watching tv, reading books, literally anything besides homework or sleep. The regular punishment that hurt the least was getting hit, I could just tune out from it. But all of that paled in comparison to how they responded to the 'two mess ups'. They didn't try to beat me over it, but that was by their own words '...because You cry more from this then if I were to Hit you and it stopped working for the small stuff anyway.' and it was true, what they said and how they treated me right after made me hate my self soo so much that they didn't have to hurt me anymore, I was doing that myself, I would beat myself up in my own head until I... I... ," Jasmine trailed off before resuming at full speed skipping what ever she was about to say, "That was just from those two 'mess ups'. After that I was willing to wreak my life with all the other sins, but never even thought, as far as they know, about crossing those lines again. Somehow ruining my life, throwing all my responsibilities and everything else they believed away was less of a problem then those two things."

Natalie's heart ached at Jasmine's words, her own anger flaring up at the thought of anyone making Jasmine feel such a way, let alone her own parents. But she kept her focus on Jasmine, knowing this was about her, about her pain and her struggle.

"And now, coming out as Jasmine, living as a woman... I can't help but hear those voices in my head, those damning words. And even though I know, logically, that they're wrong, that I'm not an abomination, that I'm just... me... it's hard to shake off those years of conditioning, years of being told that I was wrong, that I was sinful, just for being myself."

Jasmine took a deep, shuddering breath, her tears now freely flowing. Natalie pulled her into a comforting embrace, holding her close as Jasmine let out her fears, her trauma, and her pain. She couldn't erase Jasmine's past, couldn't undo the damage that had been done, but she could be there for her, could love her and accept her for who she truly was. And right now, that was all Jasmine needed.

The two women sat in silence for a while, Natalie holding Jasmine close, gently stroking her hair. Finally, Jasmine spoke again, her voice still shaky, but stronger than before.

"You know the only reason my parents even helped me move, even talk to me at all, was because they thought I was finally getting my life together," Jasmine confessed. "They thought that by moving away from all the partying, I was returning to the faith. That I'd find a nice Christian girl, settle down, maybe even go into ministry like they always wanted. They thought my... my mistakes, my past, would make a great testimony. That it would be a tale of God saving someone as lost as me."

Natalie felt a pang of sadness. It was clear that Jasmine's parents were more interested in the idea of their child fitting a certain mold, a certain narrative, than they were in Jasmine's true happiness and identity.

"They thought God could save even someone as 'wicked' and 'headed for damnation' as me," Jasmine continued, her voice barely above a whisper. The bitterness in her tone was palpable, a testament to the emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon her.

Natalie couldn't help but feel a surge of anger towards Jasmine's parents. It seemed to her that they were more interested in their own reputation, their own religious ideals, than they were in their own child's well-being and happiness.

"But I'm not wicked, Nat," Jasmine said softly. "I'm not lost. I'm just... me. Jasmine. Besides It wasn't that bad, I can get over it, They were just words, The hitting stopped." She petered out,like she was losing the energy to gaslight her self.

Natalie felt her heart clench in her chest, the pain of Jasmine's words hitting her like a physical blow. The casual way Jasmine glossed over the **** she suffered at the hands of her parents was heartbreaking, and Natalie could barely contain the surge of anger and sorrow that welled up within her.

"Jas, honey," Natalie said, her voice trembling slightly. "You don't have to minimize what they did to you. It was wrong. It was abusive. And it's not your fault."

Jasmine was quiet for a moment, her gaze distant. "I know," she murmured softly, her voice barely audible. "It's just... I learned to zone out, you know? When they hit me, I just... left. Somewhere inside my head. They took things and I just detached from them, It couldn't hurt if I didn't care about what I lost. And then they stopped hitting or taking, and started with words instead. They were just words so why, why were those... those harder to escape from?"

Natalie felt a tear slide down her cheek. "Oh, Jas," she whispered, pulling Jasmine closer. "I'm so sorry. I wish... I wish I could take it all away."

Jasmine gave a watery smile. "Your here, supporting me... Listening to me drivel on, it means more than you know, Nat."

As Natalie continued to hold close and comfort Jasmine, her thoughts were a storm of anger and indignation. Mark's betrayal was not just a casual disregard for Jasmine's feelings; it was a catalyst, a pebble that set off an avalanche of painful memories and traumas that Jasmine had been painstakingly trying to navigate.

Every word Jasmine spoke, every hurtful memory she recalled, only stoked the fire of Natalie's anger, her mind whirling with images of Mark's smug face. Each remembrance of Jasmine's past was like a punch to the gut, but it was Mark's thoughtless, cruel words that were the sharpest sting.

The **** she'd been planning – something she'd initially thought of as a minor, playful payback for Mark's transgression – was now something more. Something harsher, more fitting. An eye for an eye. She would make sure that Mark felt even a fraction of the pain he'd inflicted on Jasmine.

She had planned on just messing with his routine a bit, maybe setting him up for some mild public embarrassment. But now, she wanted more than just an apology. She wanted Mark to truly understand the consequences of his actions, to feel the weight of his words. She wanted him to look into Jasmine's eyes and see the person he'd hurt.

But more than anything, Natalie wanted to protect Jasmine. She wanted to shield her from the world's cruel jabs and unfair judgments, to wrap her in a bubble wrap where the past or present couldn't touch her. She didn't want Jasmine to hurt anymore, and she would move mountains to ensure that.

As she sat next to Jasmine, holding her close, Natalie felt a resolve harden within her. She would deal with Mark later. Right now, she needed to be there for Jasmine. But when the time came, Mark would learn the consequences of his actions, and she would make sure of it

Natalie took a deep breath, pushing her emotions down. "Its not drivel Jas." She needed to be strong for Jasmine right now. "Jas, do you want to cancel going to the college? We can reschedule, take some time for you to... to process all this."

Jasmine considered this for a moment before shaking her head. "No," she said, her voice firm. "I want to face this. I need to face this. It's part of who I am now."

Natalie nodded, swallowing hard. "Okay," she said, her voice steady. "We'll face it together then. Whatever comes next, we'll face it together. You're not alone anymore." With a tighter hug and a kiss on the forehead Natalie starts leading the way again, Holding Jasmine even closer.