You learn you're pregnant, and Fast Hans gets some heat

A rush of conflicting emotions hits you as you stare down at the diagnosis sheet you've been handed. You are sitting on an examination table, but you feel like you could pass out at any moment. No matter how much you stare at it, the words on the page don't change. One word in particular.

"Er..." the plump middle-aged woman in a doctor's coat in front of you smiles awkwardly. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said, 'The good news is that your replacement bionic tail has connected with your nervous sytem with no difficulties'... I was just making a little joke, trying to lighten the mood."

Pregnant. That's what the page says. 'Eager Beaver'... another spirited young woman becoming a sidekick under an established hero. At this rate, in 6 months or so you're going to be getting 'kicked' alright... an the side you'll be getting 'kicked' in will be the inside of your belly, by tiny feet. You think back to that beautiful bronzed throbbing cock that had been formed before your eyes as if by magic. How much you'd enjoyed getting to explore your budding bisexuality in a way that gave you a taste of both worlds. But this isn't the only question you were in suspense about.

"I'm glad that you came in so early. It's a much more awkward situation all-around when superheroines don't even get a test done until they're already starting to show." the doctor says.

"You... uh, you deal with a lot of these cases?" you ask in a slightly bewildered voice.

"Um... That depends on what you would call 'a lot'. Things happen, right?" The doctor is clearly nervous. "Now, I know you're probably feeling a little overwhelmed right now, but as of a few years ago, the League instituted a special rule for cases involving female sidekicks to male heroes... Normally when a heroine takes maternity leave as a result of, um, unseemly circumstances... there is an element of plausible deniability involved. Who's to say it wasn't a husband or a fiance? Even if there is some unfortunately timed erotica floating around on the internet that may imply a certain cause..."

"Like Bubble Girl?" You venture, before putting a hand over your mouth, realizing you shouldn't have said that.

"Ah yes, I see you've heard about that." the doctor's weak smile wavers a bit. "Anyway, rumors that a heroine is having a criminal's baby are not so shocking anymore. The millennium challenge disaster was a bit of a blessing in disguise, a pregnant heroine here and there doesn't seem so scandalous compared to that."

"The millennium what?" You ask, morbidly curious. Something about it sounds familiar. "I think I remember hearing about something like that when I was a kid... but then it never got mentioned again."

"Never mind, I'm getting sidetracked." she says. "The point is, while incidents like Bubble Girl and the others aren't such a PR disaster anymore, the outrage machine is very much focused on heroes taking advantage of their influence over innocent sidekicks there in a position of power over. You've heard of this whole 'Me three' movement, right? Everyone agrees that someone like Stallion is the scum of the earth and deserves to rot in a cell forever for what he's done. But male heroes are supposed to be setting good examples. If some news website starts saying that a sidekick's newborn resembles her mentor and the League looks like it overlooked it, mean Congressional hearings are worse. So the decision was made to get out in front of any incidents like this."

You stop trying to recall what that whole year 2000 business was about and open your mouth in surprise. "Wait, you mean-"

Before you can say anything further, you hear what sounds like choir music from a church, and a glowing white portal appears in the air a few feet away from you. A very startled-looking stern-faced, dark-haired man in his 30s, wearing a kung-fu outfit, tumbles out of it with a grunt, rolling as he lands. "Verdamnt! What ist the meaning of this?" he shouts over his shoulder. He flicks his eyes towards you. "Beaver! What's going on here?"

From out of the portal behind him emerges a tall, broadchested, silver-haired man in a sleeveless priest's garb that is cut very tight and shows off his biceps. And his short-shorts don't leave much to the imagination either. This is Whole Glory, the longest serving hero on the Big 7 aside from the centuries-old Maiden America.

Normally, Whole Glory is known almost as well for his gentle, kindly demeanor as he is for the great scandal surrounding him (it turns out that there were 'reasons' he was always so enthusiastic about wrestling sweaty, burly men into submission and tying them up). Now, though, his jaw is clenched and his eyes are blazing with fury.

"Hans, you degenerate pervert!" the super-powered priest shouts angrily. "I vouched for you personally! I took you under my wing back in Germany and treated you almost like the son I never had! I recommended you as one of the first participants in this latest sidekick-assignment program because I thought you could be trusted to keep those famous hands of yours to yourself! And THIS is how you repay me?"

Hans grunts indignantly and rolls backwards on his shoulders, acrobatically leaping to his feet and dusting off his gi. "I am not famous for my sense of humor. So when I tell you I have no idea in God's good name what you are talking about, old man, you know I am not playing ze joke."

"Old man?" Whole Glory scowls. "That's rich, Hans - considering what you've been doing with an impressionable, emotionally **** young lady ten years your junior. I may not approve of everything the heroes of this great League engage in, but at least most of them don't give hypocritical interviews to reporters where they talk about the importance of a 'family-friendly image'!"

Hans screws up his face, vacillating between confusion and irritation. "What, you mean the grappling training? That's less than what most heroes get up to on the training room. Did not Mood Ring just get finished firing a bunch of trainers who were using the Zone of Danger training rooms as an excuse to gang-bang novice heroines?"

The doctor clears her throat and steps into Hans's field of vision. "Be that as it may, Mister Hans, at least those perverted trainers had the common sense to use contraceptives."

"Oh, shit." your frazzled mind finally makes the connections.

"Contra-" Hans blinks and then turns to look at you. "Miss Rachel - you mean you're... pregnant? What? When did this happen?"

"This will go much easier for you if you will confess and repent, my son." Whole Glory says his best-known catchphrase sternly.

"Wait, wait!" you step between them. "This is all a mistake! Fast Hans was a perfect gentleman!" You think back to a couple of incidents and gulp nervously. "Uh... maybe not 'perfect', exactly. But I never had sex with him. He's not the one who... who got me... y'know."

"What?" the older man in the male-stripper-like priest's outfit glances back and forth and sighs. "But you've been living in the HQ and have scarcely gone out one night, according to the records. Oh, fiddlesticks. Was it some small-time hoodlum who **** himself on you? Miss Beaver, you must understand that no one will shame you for something like that happening! You should have reported it, so we could have brought that sinner to justice!"

Glory puts his hands on his hips and looms over Hans again. "And Hans! I apologize for the accusation, but you have still betrayed my trust. You were supposed to be watching over your sidekick, not letting her go off alone and unprotected."

"'Unprotected' is a rather unfortunate choice of words, Father..." the doctor says, still trying to suppress a nervous smirk.

"I didn't!" Hans protests indignantly. "I told her to stay put while she rested and recovered! I would never let her go out without her cybernetic tail, let alone without me! She must have tumbled into bed with some random perverted hero she met in a hallway!" he looks over towards you and lowers his eyes. "...apologies, Frau Beaver, I am not being judgmental... you're a grown woman and can do as you like. I'm only stating the apparent facts."

"Are you willing to take a DNA test to prove this?" the doctor asks, skeptically.

"Of course!" Fast Hans harumphs. "I have lived my life with the guiding principle of discipline and control! The day I'm guilty of impregnating a young woman I scarcely know by giving into my impulses is the day I will put my mighty fists down forever! I swear before God, on my life, and on both my countries!"

Whole Glory makes a drastic change - suddenly falling on his knees. From behind his domino mask, tears can be seen welling up in his eyes. "Oh, my Lord! I have made a terrible mistake! I allowed the devil to whisper words of unjustified suspicion into my ear, and sow the seeds of wrath in my heart! Hans, my son, I know I cannot simply portal away the hurt I have caused you, but I swear I shall never again baselessly doubt your good character!"

"Er... uh... That is quite alright, father Glory." Hans says, looking embarrassed. "And Beaver. Um... I suppose 'congratulations' isn't the right thing to say but 'condolences' does not feel quite right, either, so..."

"Ahem," the doctor says, "First of all, Hans, I'd like to point out that I was legally required to notify the Big 7 as soon as Eager Beaver here tested positive, so please don't try and get me fired. But as Eager Beaver should know given her work with the legal department, it can be rather difficult to get some of these macho-man playboy heroes to own up to their responsibilities. Setting aside the villainesses who've dropped off the radar recently after developing pregnancy bumps, the men of our wonderful League are responsible for creating half a dozen single mothers among the civilian population this year alone, and by 'this year', I don't mean the past 12 months, I mean so far in 2018, and we've barely started spring. They don't even need to leave the city, they can just change their name and costume."

"Shit," you say, shaking your head in bemusement, "is THAT why 'Black Tiger' was replaced by 'Golden Tiger', and then 'Iron Tiger', and then 'Copper Tiger', all with the same superpower? I thought that was just a marketing thing. What a jerk! Were all the condom dispensers in this building not enough for him?"

"I guess that rules out Copper Tiger as being the babyda- sorry, I mean, the pregnancy's father - if you just now figured that out." the doctor says smugly. "Anyway, who was it? We should collect DNA and get the ball rolling in the legal department to make sure he takes responsibility. I'm absolutely not trying to imply that you're... highly active, nor am I implying that it would be a bad thing if you are, but if there's several possible candidates-"

"No! I know who it is," you say, starting to get annoyed by this bitchy doctor's condescending attitude. "There's only one possible... uh... I don't know if 'father' is the right word."

The doctor tilts her head oddly. But your particular phrasing there seems to have gotten Fast Hans' attention. His eyesbrows shoot up and he gulps loudly.

"Well then? Who is he?" the doctor asks. "I know it seems like I'm being pushy, but if you put this off and he ends up leaving you high and dry, you're going to regret it. Someone like Bubble Girl may be able to bounce back from becoming a single mom without too much of a hit to her career or reputation, but, not to put too fine a point on it, she's not a sidekick. She has some serious superpowers and a year of outstanding service to back her up, which you are lacking."

You gulp and try to think of how to phrase it. Are you really going to admit that you're pregnant with another woman's child? Are they all going to laugh at you? Is the whole League - no, the whole CITY - going to laugh at you?

"Doctor!" Whole Glory speaks up, wiping away his tears. "You're out of line! This young woman is going through a difficult time. Stop badgering her. Miss Beaver, I solemnly swear, whatever man left you in this situation, I won't let him walk away from his responsibilities. I may be limited in what I can do when a scoundrel like Copper Tiger goes around conceiving children with college athletes and exotic dancers, but this is an internal League of Propriety matter. Whoever he is, even if he flees to the North Pole, I'll be right behind him to drag him back! Go home and rest, and contact the legal department when you feel ready to deal with it, not a moment beforehand."

"H-hold on a second!" you protest. "Before you go off on all this 'responsibility' stuff... Mr. Whole Glory, I have a huge amount of respect for you, you know that. And I know that you've held on to your Catholic faith in spite of all the, y'know... complications since you came out ten years ago. But I'm not... I mean, I'm not saying I don't believe in anything but I'm not part of a church right now, and... I really wanted being a heroine to be my career, so..."

All of them are looking at you uncomfortably. You feel your throat tigthening, but continue. "Uh... like the doctor said, it's different for someone like Bubble Girl. I'm glad she's willing to take on the challenge of becoming a mom at such a young age while also battling evil, even when the dad is an evil scumbag. I really admire her, uh, conviction. But I don't think I can handle that. So... I've been thinking... I'm probably going to..."

Whole Glory looks distraught and horrified, but doesn't say anything and averts his eyes. Fast Hans winces painfully. "Frau Beaver... I am very sorry to tell you this, but I think you may not have been careful enough reading the laws and policies that went along with your acceptance into the League..."