Late Night Spiraling

Author’s note:
I know this chapter might feel like a step backwards, but trust the process. I didn’t like the speed of the initial story, and I knew I needed to adjust somewhere to go in a direction and pace that I felt would fit the story better. It’s taken me forever to figure out where I wanted to change things and exactly how the story would change in the short term, but I finally figured it out and am now able to get to my long term story goals with this new path. Give me a few chapters to get things sorted, then the kinks of the story will be back in full swing, and the journey is going to be a ton of fun if everything goes like I currently think it will. Though, that doesn’t mean there won’t be any hot scenes in the meantime. Hope you enjoy!
-ASW

So much for falling asleep. No, I was restless. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t stop my mind from spiraling. I felt partially betrayed and just hurt, I felt dirty. So many things going through my head.

Ok, as usual, I’m just going to tell it to you straight: it bothered me much more than I realized that Christopher left that quickly that night. Believe me, I’ve read about cuckqueans enough by now to understand that some women enjoy the feeling of being forgotten or brushed off by their significant others, but that is not me.

I eventually got out of bed to take a shower, hoping the act would let me calm down enough to sleep. Part of me expected to see Megan or Britney in the bathroom, we all know that’s happened a few times by now. But nobody interrupted my shower. I took my time, sitting under the water and feeling the warmth on my skin. I tried to let the water wash away the feelings, to wash away my frustration with Christopher.

That didn’t work at all. Nope, instead my brain went even further down the rabbit hole of how terrifying this whole situation was to me.

I kept replaying the events of the past couple weeks. The sexiness of obeying my roommates, the sheer hotness of watching Kayla and Christopher flirt, and the **** of watching them have sex for the first time. Hell, everything about tonight was so fucking hot and made me cum possibly the biggest in my life. I’ve got a growing collection of Kayla’s sexy panties in my drawer. And yet the way things ended tonight just kind of ruined it all. Was I really losing him? I may have found the cuckquean thing sexy for some reason, but I knew I definitely didn’t want to actually lose Christopher.

It bothered me enough that at almost 2 in the morning I decided it was time to say my first safe word.

I spent a while deciding between yellow and red. I honestly wasn’t 100% sure of the difference, or what I really needed.
I needed to draw attention to this before we repeated it, at least. Did I need to stop the game for a bit? Did I need to just talk to Christopher? Did I need to talk to Kayla? Should the game continue with Britney and Megan since this wasn’t the same part of the game as that? Ugh, I don’t know. But I know I need to say one of the words. Yup. Decided. I knew it was late but I rolled over in bed to pick up my phone. That’s when I noticed my phone had apparently died at some point. Ugh, frustrating. I found the charger, and then I just needed to wait a few minutes.

During that 2 minutes, while I felt confident in my decision, my mind started spiraling with what would happen when I used a safe word. I mean, everyone said it would be ok and I shouldn’t worry, but hey, we all get worried something we do or say is going to make the person we love not love us anymore, even if we don’t always say that feeling aloud. So I started worrying about if Christopher would hate me for ruining the game, or if any of the ladies would be upset I was ruining their fun. I started to second guess my decision, but when my screen lit up I knew I still needed to send it out. Maybe just to Christopher or should I send it to everyone?

But before I could type anything out to send, my attention was pulled away by the notifications on my phone. I realized I had several text alerts and a couple missed calls. They were all from Christopher. I read through the texts.

Christopher: hey, I just got home and needed to reach out. I couldn’t stop thinking about it on the way home and almost turned around but I’m exhausted so I just kept going. Anyway I realized I definitely made a mistake tonight. I was exhausted and didn’t think of you when I left quickly. Can we talk?

Christopher: I am so sorry for leaving like that. I know it was the wrong choice to leave that quickly. Can I call you?

Christopher: I’m assuming you’re asleep already, so I can wait for the morning. If you’re up for it, im going to swing by and pick you up so we can go out for a breakfast date somewhere. Give us some time just the two of us. I think we need it, especially after how I acted tonight.

Christopher: I love you and am sorry. We can take a break from all of this kink stuff for a while. Let’s talk in the morning. I can be there about 8:30, or any time really, if you’re up for it. Good night! Love you!

Ok, I know I could just wait for the morning, but I need to say how I feel before I let him just talk his way out of it. At least it sounds like he is still invested in us, so that worry is gone for now. I had thought through part of what I needed to say, but I just let my hands type out the message, trusting it would come out like I needed. I typed out my response, read it, re-read it, and finally sent it.

Maddison: hey, sorry, my phone died and just turned back on. I understand you were tired. But you’re right, I was hurt tonight. This whole cuckquean thing felt more real than before. It felt like I was really losing you, more than I wanted with this kink stuff. I need to pause this whole thing for a bit. I don’t know if that is a yellow, a red, or an orange or what, but I need a break from the constant chaos to get myself under control again. Thank you for reaching out. I’m going to message the girls too. I love you and we can talk about everything tomorrow. Can we do 10:30? I’m exhausted and don’t want to wake up early lol.

I started putting a message together to send to the ladies, not expecting a response from Christopher until morning. But I actually didn’t have to wait very long at all for his response.

Christopher: I completely understand. I am sorry. I think this is a red, from the way you described it. And that’s perfectly ok. Safe words are there for a reason. I can call you now if you’d prefer to talk immediately? Or we could wait for the morning, or whatever is best for you. How can I be supportive right now with this?

He was right, it qualified for a red. I honestly didn’t think it was going to get this far this quickly, but I needed to speak up for myself. I took a few seconds to center myself again. Now I was thankful for the shower and getting dressed again afterwards. I felt less dirty and more able to think clearly.

Maddison: honestly, I’m exhausted. Let’s talk over breakfast tomorrow. I’m gonna let everyone else know and then get some sleep. We will be ok, babe. We just need to get more on the same page again. Love you! Good night!

I finished typing out a message to the ladies and sent it before going to sleep.

Maddison: hey, so I have to call a red after tonight. It wasn’t really anything one of you did, but some stuff between Christopher and me. We are going to talk tomorrow, but I need a break from everything for a bit. I still love all of you and hope you understand and that things aren’t super awkward between us. It really isn’t because any of you. I’ll explain more after Christopher and I talk. Love you ladies!

Ok, I read it a few times, and it comes off “hey, something went wrong and hurt my feelings but I don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying something hurt my feelings so please don’t be mad at me for having hurt feelings…” but I couldn’t think of a better way to say it in my tired state. Then another message from Christopher.

Christopher: ok, sounds good. I’ll pick you up at a 10:30 then. Sweet dreams and I look forward to hearing everything you have to say tomorrow. Love you too!

Haha, I think he is walking on eggshells now. That wasn’t my goal, but whatever, we will clear everything up in the morning. My phone buzzed two quick times, two messages from Megan. She had sent a green heart emoji in the group message, and one personal text to just me.

Megan: hey, I am really sorry if I pushed you or things a bit far. I know you said it wasn’t one of us and something Christopher did, but I know I’m analyzing my actions and want to talk to you about everything when you are ready and willing. I love you and am so proud that you spoke up for yourself. No awkwardness, just love, girlie! Please know my door is always open to you, as well as my ears and my heart. <3

Now, I know you’re probably using her controlling nature these past several days against her, but she is a great friend. I love her so much and am so thankful for her friendship. Maybe I was being a little ridiculous to think my friends would be pissed for me pausing everything. Maybe I was being paranoid about that for nothing. That is at least a little comforting.

I told her I loved her and would tell her more tomorrow, and put my phone back on the table with a smile on my face. Tonight wasn’t easy, but I think everything will be better for it. I’m sureChristopher is still feeling extremely guilty for things, but he’ll be ok. We have a lot to talk about tomorrow.