Looking back at the abyss

Author notes: containig angst themes. Readers should be warned.

Have a nice read!

---

It's the second red light you run. Cars klaxons rumble behind you, you barely distinguish them between sniffs and sobs, like being in the middle of an orchestra of chaos and pain; also eyesight betrays you, as it's nobbled by your flowing tears.

On the seat next to you, a red puddle reforms into a humanoid form, whose familiar voice you clearly distinguish like a blade ripping the noise.

-She's right, it's all your fault. Everyone will suffer because of you.-.

You continue to cry and drive, unable to face her directly, doomed to hear her taunt blaming you.

-Did you really think that she could consider you her sister?- She leans toward you, making you shiver in fear.

-She hates you. I hate you. You ruined everything. And you did it on purpose.-.

You frantically shake your head, sharply turning the steering wheel since you were almost leaving the lane. Another honk scolds you. Home is near, there you will be safe, it must be like this.

-No? Haven't you done all of this just to hurt them? Your stupid obsession for the girl that I was aiming for, your responsibility for Charity's madness, your... miserable need for someone to feel pity for you! But the truth is, you keep stabbing people from behind and trying to hide the knife. Isn't this all about your ego?-.

-I just wanted...!- You sob: -I just-I just wanted...!!!-.

-Now they all see you for what you truly are! You're the only one who still denies it!-.

-No!!! I don't want to hear you!!!-.

You basically jam on the brackets, rush out, and burst into your home. You're not like this, you keep repeating to yourself, you're not like this, she's lying, you didn't want any of this!

-Cindy!- You distinguish your mom's surprised voice. She's coming out of the kitchen, a confused frown upon her business-like attire. You can see her laptop on the table. She was working.

Again.

Like she always does.

Every time.

-What happened? Are you hurt?-.

Your breath swirls inside your chest.

Is she asking? Why is she asking?

Isn't she supposed to know everything?

Isn't this her duty as a mother?

-You... how dare you?? She always needed you, and you care just now?? You didn't even realize that she isn't herself anymore, did you??-.

She is completely startled by your aggressivity, but her astonishment soon turns into a piqued scowl: -You can't talk to me like this! I'm your mother!-.

You're blind with rage, you charge her with all your strength and throw her against the wall, which she hits with a loud thud. Her eyes are widened, shock prevailing over pain, while you get closer threateningly.

-W-What? How... how...-.

-I hate you! You left me alone! It's all your fault!-.

-C-Cindy, you've pushed me...-.

You take her head between your hand and vomit a piece of goo on her face, which drops inside her mouth opened for a scream, or maybe a beg, you'll never know since it dies like that. Your mother gurgles and chokes, but you don't leave her time to readjust. She's thinking for herself, again, again!

You raise your fist and yell.

---

You're still standing in front of the door. You haven't moved since you sent Cindy and Tina away. She is letting your body alone for now, but you're all tensed up, as if predicting a twitch, a pinch, or a clasp from one moment to the other. You can feel those... those things all on you, resting, but alert.

"M-Maybe I should have... maybe they could have hel-

-Why did you bring them here?-.

You turn around in dread, finding yourself face to face with Eric. But he's nothing like the confused and agitated boy of yesterday. A chill runs down your spine, and your heart begins beating fast. You would like to point out that you tried to send them away, but your will is like drained by his blank gaze.

-I-I-I'm s-sorry.- You babble: -It-It won't happen again. F-F-Forgive me p-please.-.

He saunters over to you. He's wide, muscular, and you, you're so small. So helpless. He puts his hands on your shoulders, and the things react for a second, before going back to sleep. You swallow a dry limp.

-Of course I forgive you.- He whispers. His look is so cold, but also heated in intensity.

Oh God. You're hyperventilating. Of terror, anxiety, regret and... and something else.

-T-Thank you...-.

-Because I know that you love me.- He continues, forcing his body against yours. Now his breath blows in your nostrils and his voice sounds right in your ear. A hard boner is pressing on your thigh.

-That you're loyal to me. So I forgive you. This time.-.

"Oh... Jesus...".

You're on the verge of tears, while you sense dampening spreading in your panties.

-But...- You dare to say in your fever-like state. No! What were you thinking? But it's too late now, he wants you to finish, he won't let you drop the sentence.

-Maybe... maybe she was right about M-Millie... maybe you should... l-let her go...-.

His expression assumes the facade of sorrow that instantly pierces your heart.

-Why are you saying this? Don't you want to be her sister anymore? Don't you want to be part of her family anymore? Of our... family?-.

It's almost imperceptible, but you feel it. You feel them, and you feel his grip tightening. Your quiver is almost a convulsion this time.

-I do! I do! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've been stupid!-.

-You know how much this is important to me. Charity... you've hurt me.- He caresses your cheek with his fingertips.

They're moving. They're preparing to strike. It's over for you.

-I didn't mean it! It's important to me too! Forgive me, please, please!!!-.

Silence for a few, interminable seconds, then he relaxes.

-Ok. You're my girlfriend after all, you're just a little silly. Ehi...- He lowers the volume of his voice like to spill a secret: -I know that you'll always be by my side.-.

Your legs menace to crumble, but Eric lifts your chin and kisses you passionately, and you melt into his arms. You're so scared... and so aroused too. Your hands travel down his body, searching for contact. Yes. Your body has already decided. Silly, yes, you've been silly. You can't escape him. You love him. He makes you feel so good.

-I should apologize to Millie too.- You ruefully propose after the effusion has been consumed.

-No, let her play for a bit more. You have already disturbed her enough.-.

You lower your eyes guiltily.

-Besides...- He whispers sensually: -I want you all for myself now.-.

You look up again, a timid smile forming on your face. This is your boyfriend, you think. You're so lucky.

"Yes, I was wrong. Everything is alright. I don't need any help.".

---

You hate running. Always hated. You hate the arrival, above all, because you are out of breath, sweaty, disheveled; in a word, gross. And you surely have the physique of an athlete: you've always thought of yourself as a model.

Despite this, and despite your feet are aching even more than before, you're running up the stairs two steps at a time, swinging against the walls to keep your balance. The nastiest thing about a building that's going to be demolished is that the current doesn't move the elevators anymore. Ultimately, you see the door that leads to the roof, and you smash it open.

You freeze instantly, as the horrible sight adds its contribution to the nausea of the effort. Cindy is standing on the hedge, looking down, where there is nothing to look at, because there is literally nothing for a few tens of meters. You open your mouth to scream her name, but instead you exhale and pant, trying not to vomit on the spot. Your feet are painfully pulsing, begging for you to sit. You try to speak, to notify her of your presence in any way, but it's like the inside of your body is petrified, just seeing her there gives you goosebumps.

But she perceives you, like you perceive her. She turns around in a slow motion. Her cheeks are streaked with tears, but there is a sinister veil in her eyes, as if she can see something out of reality.

-C-Cindy...- You finally manage to blurt.

-Get... get off there, it's... it's dangerous!-. It's dangerous, of course it's dangerous, that's why she's there for fuck's sake!

-Kim.- She pronounces your name with a strange hint of skepticism.

-How did you know I was here?-.

You breathe for some second, struggling to gulp back your heart down your throat. Come on voice, come on, don't leave me now!

-I... I had to try. Your father worked in this building when we were children. This is where we met for... for the first time.-.

-Ah. Yes. I remember that day.- She says in a faint, neutral voice.

-I came to see dad at work. I loved spending time with him, even if just like that. Your parents came here to talk to someone and they left you out of the office. We met in the corridor.-.

-Yes!- You blatantly confirm, in a relief that reveals your despair: -Yes, I took the elevator and ended up on your floor! ...I was so bored, and you looked so happy instead!-.

Her face darkens at those words.

-No. I was sad too.-.

You widen your eyes in panic and you instinctively move a step, but she instantly gets on alarm.

-Don't get any closer!-.

You freeze again, your hands raised in a sign of reassurance. Time is against you: in the position she is now, even a momentaneous loss of balance would result in her fall. You can't try to reach her mind and **** her to get down: when you and Sally temporarily merged you had strong convulsions. And now, you can't even approach her.

The perspective of her falling into the void is getting more and more realistic each second. You can't stand the mere thought, but you can't allow it to distract you. You have to talk her out of this.

-Cindy, listen to me! Tina told me... everything! I know, I know that right now you think that there's no hope anymore, but it's not like this! You have to believe me! Please, take my hand!-.

She shakes her head vigorously and sobs, at each movement you foresee her disappearing forever by your sight. You're so agitated that the nerves in your skin are burning.

-She can't have told you everything! She doesn't know what... what I am, what I did! You don't know! Nobody knows!-.

-I know enough! I know you!-.

-I destroy everything! EVERYTHING!!!- She screams out loud, my god she'll fall like this: -I, I hurt everyone I know! Even now, even with you! There are always people who care about me... but I don't deserve that! I'm a monster!-.

-No! No, don't say that please! I know you! You're a good person, you're just suffering! Please, please just come down and talk to me!-.

-You don't know what I did! Every person, everyone who meets me is doomed! I'm a wandering curse! I betrayed, I lied, I ****, I even... I even beat my mom! I should just, just vanish!-.

Oh God please not like this, not like this.

-Don't say it, don't say it! You can't be thinking it! Cindy, you're my best friend, ok? I don't know what I would do without you!-.

She sniffles and palpitates, her sobs almost sound like laughter.

-Y-Yeah? Kim, I betrayed you too! You trusted me and I, I preferred Maria over you! It-it was me! I broke your car window! You're my best friend and I lied to you all this time! I even... hated you, for a moment, when you most needed me! Because I was angry and... and so proud! You were counting on me and... and this morning, when I thought that it was all over... I didn't even talk to you, I couldn't, I couldn't even face you!-.

At those words, your forehead contracts, your eyes widen, and you feel like your knees can't support your weight anymore. They hit you like a train full-speed.

-M-My car?- You stutter. She closes her eyes in pain, waiting for your rage. And you are raged. Raged, disgusted.

By yourself.

-I-I don't give a shit about that car! Fuck it, I'll smash it down!!!-.

You're already almost out of breath, but you keep going, you have to: -Cindy, listen, listen to me please! None of this i your fault, none! It's mine, only mine!-.

She looks at you in bewilderment. You hold back tears, but one manages to pour down your right eye. You tighten your lips and go on.

-Do you want to know the truth? The first thing I thought that day, when elevator doors opened and I saw you all happy and preppy? "She's too smiling, I want her to be bored too"! I didn't like you as a person, I liked you as a plaything! You shouldn't hate yourself! You should hate me!-.

Her chin quivers in shock, her pupils swing restless, like trying to sort out something inexplicable.

-But... you were just a kid...-.

-And have I improved growing up?- You retort. You shouldn't, you're bothering her, showing her that her only true friend is another lie, it's stupid, and dangerous, and the worst thing to do. And the only one too.

-Have I treated you better, uh? You've always been by my side, and I've never even thanked you! Not once! Not one damned time! I always took you for granted, I always assumed you to put away your desires for mine! And instead of helping you with Maria I, I demanded you to give her to me! I didn't care what you felt! I just thought about me! I mean, look at you now! What have I done to help you, all this time? Even after the possession, even if... You think you're a horrible friend? That's me! I am the horrible friend here! I'm a fucking walking curse!-.

A cold gust blows on you, lifting your hair for some seconds. Neither of you notices it. Noticeably mortified, Cindy is trying to make sense of what you just confessed.

-That's not true, you're, you're just trying to make me come down...-.

You crumble to your knees, tears now copiously flowing down your cheeks. It hurts, a lot.

-Cindy, you're scared of me! Scared! Friends are supposed to confide in each other, and you're frightened to tell me the truth! You'd rather break my car than talk to me! And it's not because of you, but because I brought you to that point! I did this to you, I!!! I'm not a real friend! ...It shouldn't be me here! It should be anyone else but me!-.

-No... but... then... no...-.

You pause, breathe, and hold down your sobs.

-Please.- You beg again, looking down on the floor: -Please, please come down now. Hate me, hit me, do anything, but do it to me. If you'll jump... it will be just my fault. And I would never forgive myself.-.

Silence. Cindy's visage slowly grimaces in deep, conscious sorrow.

-I lost her.- She whines, just a trail of voice leaving her lips.

-It hurts so much.-.

You put your hand on the ground and, with trembling limbs, you struggle to get up. You can't afford to be like this. You can't fail her now.

-I know.-.

She flinches, preparing to move. You're ready to spring and reach her, cursing yourself for only making it worse; but instead, she finally comes down. She keeps her face low in shame, her delicate form trembling at each wail.

-You-You're wro-wrong! Y-You are my b-best friend! I lo-love you!-.

You grimace with regret: even now, after everything you've confessed, she's still deeply attached to you. You'd like to implore her forgiveness, but even if you could deserve it in some twisted way, right now any of your needs have taken a back seat.

Maybe, for the first time, you can be a real friend now. Maybe it's your chance to start again. For you, for Kim.

-Come here. Come here.- You say, but instead you're the one moving. As you reach her, you hug her tightly, with all your strength, as if you fear that you'd lose her if you let her go even just a bit. She feels so weak, so fragile in your arms, like a porcelain doll; a doll with silky hair which now you are tenderly caressing, and that is drenching your shoulder with salty droplets. Who knows how much you must have paid for this jacket at the time.

-I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!!!-.

-Ssh. Don't be.-.

-I'm su-such a mess!-.

-No, you're splendid. You're a splendid person, Cindy. And I won't leave you alone anymore. I promise.-.

---

You wake up suddenly, opening wide your eyelids. A familiar roof greets your view. You brush your digits on the soft surface you're lying on, receiving further confirmation.

You're on your bed, in your room. How is this possible? The last thing you remember is...

-!!!-.

You pipe up and get out of the bed, looking around in agitation. Where, where is that creature? What happened after you passed out? Oh Lord forgive me for taking Your name in vain so many times!

"Urgh... what...".

Your body feels sore, as if after an intense training session. Plus, you feel slightly nauseous. You watch down to check whether you're hurt and where. Much to your surprise, you find yourself wearing one of your most elegant dresses, one of those you use for very special occasions, a nineteenth-century style gown your parents insisted to buy. By touching your head, you realize that even your hair has been combed, in fact your mane is gathered in a low chignon that lets some curls fall close to your ears. And is this... a tiara?

By looking at the mirror, you confirm your suspicions. Your hairstyle is even more sophisticated than you thought, with at least one braid involved in the bun.. Who did this to you? Perhaps it was just a nightmare? Urgh, no, your forehead is still bumping. That creature was real. And Elena? You saw her fleeing, you just hope she's alright. ...You shouldn't waste time here, you should go out and-

At this moment you hear the door handle turning, and you swift around, panicky. But it's not the green monster.

-Dad?!-.

-Ah, you are awake. Is this the proper way to address your father?-.

You falter at his harshness, surprised also that he hasn't announced himself before entering as he usually does.

-...I'm sorry, father. Forgive my confusion, but I really can't recall how I ended up in my room.-.

You follow him with your eyes while he circles around your bed with marked steps, until he stops right in front of you: -Don't worry about that, my dear. Someone has looked after you while you were ****.-.

-But...-.

-In fact,- He prosecutes: -from now on you won't have to take any risks anymore. You're a frail flower, Heather.-.

He unexpectedly caresses your cheek, eliciting your blushing. Was there passion in that last comment?

-I don't understand...-.

-Neither you're required to.- He goes back to being aseptic: -You have to do only a simple thing for me. You see, it has been brought to my attention that some times ago you've assumed a dangerous substance that you need to expel as soon as possible.-.

You falter and stumble at these words. How does he know...??

-F-Father, I can explain...-.

-Not necessary. I'm aware that the aforementioned substance is modifying your behavior, and that it's seriously harming your nervous system. It makes you believe in things that are not real.-.

W-What? What is he talking... does he believe that... wait, he's wrong, is he? You're not damaging Heather's brain, you're just... hijacking it, right?

"Which is... equally bad... b-but I'm not imagining things!".

-Heather, you have been found in a daze.- He continues: -With the very risk of hurting yourself. You're unable to take care of yourself right now. Here, take one of these.- he draws from his pocket a box containing white pills: -They should help you regurgitate that substance.-.

...No, no, you need a slowdown. You haven't daydreamed, you were fighting that monster and... w-well, ok, it's hard to believe and you still have no idea what it was, but still, you're not **** or drunk, you're some sentient goo that... p-people are in danger and...

"Oh good Lord, am I really hurting Heather? No, am I really Heather convincing herself to be another person? Am I going crazy???" The more you think about it, the more it seems plausible. That would explain everything, right? Even your lust for Tina! And, and your sudden deviation from His teachings! This must be the Devil tempting you!

"And even if it's not... if there's the possibility that I'm hurting Heather... no, I'm already hurting Heather, or myself, or whoever I am!" You look at your father's opened palm, a panicked expression on your face. Even in the case that he's wrong and you are who you think you are, you could pretend that these pills work and leave her body. The mere thought is scaring you like the perspective of killing yourself, but if he's right, then, then...!!!

"T-Tina, where are you? I need you! What should I do?".

But Tina isn't here, and you're afraid that your father may be losing patience. What's the worst thing that can happen, after all? You already made your parents worry, they deserve for you to try at least. Even if you'll have to renounce to your love for Tina.

"I... I... Tina... Tina, forgive me!" You take courage and reach out your hand, your heart beats fast in your chest, your digits start to clutch and...

"Yet...".

You stop.

Since you were little, you've been taught about what love is. The way He talks to his children, how He shows them who they are destined to be with. You've been spoken of it, you read books, you attended marriages, and when you think to Tina, to your friend, to your sister... it just feels like this.

It can't be fake. It can't be a **** or the Devil.

-Well?- Your dad frowns. You look at him.

There is something wrong, you feel it. Something... off, with this situation. For instance, you can imagine him bringing you here instead of the hospital to avoid scandal; but if he considers it a scandal, that is his daughter assuming ****, then how can he be so calm? So detached? The man you know, that you love immensely but that you know, would be much angrier, much more pawing. His calmness would transpire a boiling, undisguised anger; now he doesn't seem to feel anger at all, only pure... absence. You're scared, yes: scared by the idea of dying, scared of having become delusional; but you know that, at this point, you should be more scared by him than you currently are.

-W-Wait, where have you found me exactly? Was Tina with me? Can I call her? I need to ask her whether...-.

-Heather. Take the pills.-.

Again, calm. Nearly robotic. Then, it hits you: how does he know about the goo? What it does or what he thinks it does, that you have assumed it... and if somehow he knows, how can he don't know that you kissed Tina too? That you had a, a, a lesbian intercourse with her? He must be suspecting it at least, that's why he fired Elena! Why isn't he bringing it out? Why isn't he mad?

"The last few days can't have been simply a continuous hallucination. Someone would have noticed earlier. I met so many people... or at least I think I had. But someone I must have met for real, I must have talked to. My family overall!".

"And this... I can't be Heather. I am her, but I can't be her. She couldn't reason like this, she would have already obeyed. I mean, I understand this seems just her self-convincing but... she's not like this! It's everything too taut, it's everything too...".

...

-Convenient.- You conclude, barely moving your mouth. You turn pale, and cautiously move your hand away. Before your incredulous eyes, the growl in your dad's face becomes an annoyed grimace. Here's the anger; but it's not his anger.

If you're right, then the truth is even worse than his lie. Because it would mean that there is not just one body stealer in the room.

-Dad...- You whine with trembling lips: -I-I don't know how to comb my hair like this. W-Who did it?-.

Your body is completely contracted, anxiously awaiting his response. Your toes squeeze inside your socks. You really wish you were wrong.

He sighs with scarce emotional transport.

-You woke up too early. I haven't ended up with his mind yet.-.

-Dad... you, you... you're not my dad...-.

You step back slowly, but you know very well that behind you there is only the bedside table and then the wall. Now the man in front of you is really scaring you, more than your father would have done if he'd just entered in and behaved like himself. Which he didn't, because he didn't know what "himself" was.

-This doesn't change anything.- He answers, lowering his hand. The box falls unceremoniously on the carpet, spreading its bogus content.

-If else, it's just a waste of time. So, "daughter", please, just makes things easier for the both of us.-.

You shake your head, feeling your eyelids burning and moistening.

-Let me expose your situation. I'm already controlling the patriarch of this mansion, and when I'll exit this room I'll have finished with the rest. Unfortunately, my previous efforts of extracting you from Heather's body have been unsuccessful.-.

You grope your stomach. The soreness, the sickness... he tried to make you puke!

-It appears that only you can decide to exit. If not by trick, then maybe I'll convince you through threats, Cindy.-.

Cindy? Who's... isn't she Kim's bestie? Or simply anoth-

-I know that your instances are that dumb to not assimilate their hosts' memories gradually, but to let their identity submerge yours.- He continues with the methodicality of a surgeon: -And, as your behavior is proving now, you're compelled to behave like the true Heather. Therefore, if you won't get out immediately, I will start killing those present in this house, one by one, until you give in.-.

-N...no...- You can only murmur.

-I have plans for Heather. But for the servants? For her parents? Maybe a young heiress would be even better. But give her to me, and I assure you I won't harm anyone. I am also willing to get rid of you quickly and painlessly, providing that you relent now.-.

Oh my... Oh my God...

-I can't... I, I w-won't...-.

He doesn't move by his place. He just stands there, as if he doesn't need to go to you to get you. As if you were trapped from the moment he stepped in, and he knew it.

-Why not? You have to agree that it makes sense for Heather to stay with her family, and my projects for her involve greatly improving her life; so, she would be safe in my hands. Or. I could make things much more unpleasant for both of us, and for her too. Do you wish for this, Cindy?-.

The room wheels around you. You are about to pass out. Maybe it's your better option actually, maybe it will borrow you time to sort things out. But you can't, you can't let this monster lay his hands on poor Heather. Even if you're just another monster not better than him, you have to protect her; because the moment you'll leave her body...

-No.- You swallow with a noticeable swelling of the jaw. He folds his arms.

-I, I won't let you do this. I won't play by your rules! I'm sorry for you, but Heather is, and will always be, off limits!-.

-Do you think it's a stoppage for me?- He coolly taunts you: -It's barely a bother. Heather is not the only rich girl I can use, it's just the first one I've heard of.-.

You were fearing this answer. But if you draw back now, and every inch of Heather's body and soul pleads you for it, you know that it would be the end for both of you. Instead of acting like the sweet, good-hearted girl you're impersonating, you assume an uncharacteristic deadly stare which you revolt against her own father.

-Then I dare you. Try to lay a finger on anyone. You have no idea who I truly am and what I'm capable of. Yes, Heather would sacrifice herself for them; but me? This is all mine.- You fumble one of your breasts: -Not yours. Mine. So do your worst, let me inherit the family fortune, let scandals rain on us, and remain with no cards to play. Then I'll annihilate you. Piece by piece.-.

Silence falls in the room. You're almost sure he's just waiting for you to drop the facade, to reveal your real emotions. But you remain defiant, denying with your expression the carnal bond that twistedly binds you.

Your "father" keeps her eyes ajar. For the first time, his mouth curls into a coy smile.

-I inform you that you're not allowed to leave this room unless you're said to, and you're forbidden to contact anyone. Obviously, I mean also telepathically. Trust me, I'll know. Now, have a nice rest, Heather. Inside or outside you, it's me who's deciding your schedule; and you're going to be really busy from now on.-.

With this last ultimatum, he leaves the room and closes the door. You keep your daggering stare for some seconds, then you bow and gasp heavily. If you hadn't taken acting lessons as Tom, Heather's good heart would have marked your end.

You felt trapped because you are trapped. He's controlling your parents, your menials, and soon who knows who else, and he's threatening them, threatening Tina and all the others, and you don't even know who he is! You just know that he's a psycho, probably a pervert too, and you're afraid he may be looking at you right now: his goo may be hiding anywhere, in the closet, under your bed, even, even in the air maybe! Perhaps he's just toying with you, making you hope, making you believe...!

"Dad... dad!!!".

You let yourself crumble sitting on the mattress, and you bury your face between your hands, giving vent to an inconsolable cry.