Crashing.

“You sure I haven’t overdone it, Kylie? She’s still asleep.”

“She’s fine, Alex. Don’t worry, we’ve seen this before. She’ll be in a daze for a few days, happy with everything she sees, blushing for everyone to see, and above all, silent for a while. She was... a bit on edge lately. She missed you... a lot.”

“I’m sor...”

“No, Alex. After the city raid, the organizing, all the work you did motivating us to keep on going without us getting hurt at all... I knew you would be in a bind, getting nervous at every sound you heard, everything remotely similar to gunshots. We all suffer from it, but with the training we couldn’t escape it.”

“True...”

I had indeed suffered from the noise of battle, the chaos, the fear of losing myself and others. The fear of seeing someone hurt, although I couldn’t avoid placing them in harm’s way. I had to ‘use’ them, like a chess player was using pawns as sacrificial lambs.

“God, I hate being a battle commander...”

“I know you do, Alex, but you’re the best one we have, we trust your instincts, your planning is so detailed, so tactical when you’re in command. It’s better with you in command than being used as dummies for some greater cause we no longer care about. This time we fought for ourselves, not for others.”

“Yes, but with the hostages...”

“You had made a choice, Alex, you would have let them die if it meant hurting one of us. But it turned out just fine.”

“Next time I...”

“You know better than anyone, you can’t save them all. But at least you tried when you saw an opportunity to save them in the end.”

“Ella helped.”

“Yes, she was brilliant. Perhaps you should train her being a battle commander. I don’t have the strength for it. I’m good at being at your side, organizing, being useful, but I’m no good at leading them into battle. No, Alex, you have to be honest, I’m not.”

“Hmm...”

“And I feel better being this way, than being in full command. At least in battle...”

“Yes, you certainly have no scruples when it comes to nudging me or others...”

“And you love me for it, don’t you?”

“Of course I do... Although I didn’t expect Kate to do so.”

“She has been taking over some things I do, you do, like in all relations... You know that, even this night, you took a page from my playbook, being as naughty as I have been. And Kate and I really like that. Ever since you did it for the first time in the foxhole when Kate was just watching.”

“It feels like years ago sometimes... All is going so fast.”

“Changing always feels like that. Go, Alex, I’ll stay with Kate for a little while longer until she wakes up. And... eh... Be nice to Elfie, will you?”

“Of course, Kylie...”

“Elfie. Elfie? Are you here? On planet earth? Ah, you’re back. Today we go on recon. Just the two of us. So full battle gear, camouflage and so on...”

“Okay... Alex.”

“Are you sure you’re up for it today, you seem a bit distracted. Are you ill? Sad? Tired?”

“I’m fine, Alex. Kara explained me some stuff you did in the war...”

“Hmm...”

“If you were so good at being a battle commander, why did you desert?”

“Elfie, most of the things I did... is not because I had unlimited options to choose from. It’s because I had **** at all. Tom and Didier were in a really bad shape, after the second battle. We all were devastated by the losses we suffered. I refused to reintegrate in another platoon, after we retreated. I couldn’t stand losing more people I would care about the moment they were part of my section. It was probably then I had chosen to quit, but only later I had made the conscious choice to desert. As one.”

“If you are afraid of losing more people, why are you offering your help to the village?”

“Tom fell in love.”

“And?”

“All that I did since then, was one limited choice after the other. If I hadn’t advised Tom to provide food for more people, the risk was that he would be targeted, or his girlfriend Eva, or Maria. Everything from then on... As I said, some were just limited choices, other were not even that.”

We were walking slowly towards the lake I had in mind reaching, but Elfie was bothered with something, I could tell.

“Why adopt the Orphans then?”

“It was on impulse. I can’t stand injustice. And we were in a much better position then. I felt better, the rest of us too, except Didier at the time, but I wasn’t afraid anymore he would commit suicide. Then the Orphans was something to do for us, to keep our minds busy. Then we bonded with them... It led us to Ambra and the Ravens.”

“And to us...”

“Hmm... I didn’t know at the time you were there.”

“But when you did?”

“It was an operation to make sure we would remain safe.”

“But you...”

“It would have hurt me to let you all die, but on the other hand I couldn’t sacrifice any of us to save you. I only made the decision to leave the option open. If we could, we would. It was Ella... Ella had decided to step in with a brilliant move. God, I had no idea she had such a voice...”

“Were there any options left then?”

“Splitting the forces, perhaps, following them, shooting them one by one... Letting them think they were safe, then attack... It would have taken time, but you were not the main objective. Killing those scumbags was. If even one of them escaped, notified another group... It would have been catastrophic. Ella must have known I was about to shoot them all, including the hostages...”

“It would have been a mercy...”

“Huh?”

“Alex, we couldn’t anymore. We were broken beyond repair. What they did to us...” Elfie started crying.

I had heard some of it. I felt my heart break the moment I heard. **** combat for food, **** sex with each other for food, with them, with anything and everyone. Witnessing it, doing it, doing it to others. Women who could, killed themselves. Let themselves die. The Russians were bored, drunken on power and were experimenting with the limits of human survival. Perhaps Elfie was the strongest, but she was also the last to join that circle of hell.

I took Elfie in my arms, hugged her close and let her tears stream. I lifted her up, turned and walked back to the cave. The women saw in which state she was, when I arrived shortly after. Ambra helped with removing her combat gear, vest and pants.

“Alex, don’t leave.” Ambra said.

“Are you sure she needs a man around now?”

“She chose you to open up to, she felt safe enough with you to do so. I’ll stay with her too, in my room... She likes it here...”

Elfie cried for the longest time laying upon my chest, before finally, exhausted, falling asleep. It took her a week to get somewhat better again. We guarded her all day, comforted her with silent hugs, what was there to say anyway? Except by trying to feel with her, show her our support and care, there was little we could do. We stayed with her during the days in the cave, took turns, slept with her, fed her, the women washed her. She was crying, apathic at times, tired beyond the need for sleep. We gave her medication to sleep, against panic attacks and against depressive moods, like we had given the Falcons. It still felt we short-handed her. Like I short-handed her. So I stayed with her, just to make sure she would feel safe. But it was unhealthy.

“Alex. It’s enough for you. This is too much for you.” I heard Kylie say.

She was right of course. My mood had dropped considerably. I felt too sad for Elfie. I was getting tired and was no good to her anymore. No good to anyone.

I let myself pull out of Ambra’s room, willingly and I was gently pushed into my man-cave, where Ella had placed a small bed.

“Come, Alex. You feel too much at times. You need to distance yourself now. We’ll take care of her now.” Kylie whispered.

I undressed myself, went to bed with Ella at my side and promptly fell asleep.

The next day I tried to gather food on my own, but that was without taking into account my girlfriends.

“Oh, no, you don’t... And go fishing all day, catching nothing and return empty handed?” Sophia frowned at me. I felt like a kid asking for permission to play outside.

“He should go outside...” Kara intervened. I hoped I would finally be able to escape the confines of the cave on my own.

“Yes, but not on his own.” Kylie dashed all my hopes on a solitary walk.

“Still plenty to do around here, take your mind of... stuff.” Clara, this time. Damnit, they all were mothering me now, even the most reserved.

“I’ll go with him,” Ella offered.

“No, you take care of Elfie, it is your turn.” Clara replied. It wasn’t Ella turn, I knew, but Clara wanted Ella close for some other reason.

“And with Emma going to the Birds... Mia will accompany you. She’s seventeen already, has seen battle now, she is more than fine to go on simple scouting missions.”

“I didn’t know she got seventeen...”

“Alex, we could write books about what you don’t know...” Kylie smiled at me.

“Fine... Mia? Are you sure you want to walk with a grumpy old man like me?”

“Sure.” Mia wasn’t talkative, except when she had to talk, during her teaching, which she loved.

She didn’t talk when we set off in the direction of the lake I had been planning to go to with Elfie. I had no idea it was a water reservoir. All frozen now, but it emptied into the Murg, a small mountain river originating in the south of the Black Forest, crossing the entire Black Forest and eventually ending up into the Rhine. It was our main source of food now. But perhaps...

“Interesting...”

I saw small boats, lodged into the ice of the lake. Probably tourists boats for idiots who hadn’t seen water up close. Like it was so interesting to navigate on a lake with nothing to see but water and trees. And other idiots.

But the boats had no oars, and the boats couldn’t be equipped with it. No diesel engine, so...

“Electric boats?”

“With batteries?” Mia spoke for the first time since we started our ‘scouting’.

“Mia, how far are you with your experiments in generating electricity?”

“Need more copper wires, more coiling and running water.”

“Hmm... and with solar panels?”

“Not that much sun lately.” She replied.

“Wind?”

“Nope. Too variable, we would need... batteries.”

“Wait a second, isn’t there a waterfall nearby?”

“Not nearby. This reservoir could do it in the spring.”

“Not the Murg itself?”

“Possible, for the rest of the year, except in winter.”

“Damnit, all this running water, and still no way to generate it when we need it the most.”

“Lots of big batteries...”

“Hmm... from a lot of boats?” I asked her.

“From cars...”

“Ow... Of course... Plenty of cars around... We stripped houses and never bothered to strip the cars... Just the perfect job for the men...”

“And women...”

I squinted my eyes to her, but she smiled at me, perfectly knowing what I was thinking about taking a Sunday stroll with the men.

“Hmm... Mia, sometimes you are too smart...”

“Always...”

“Luckily you don’t talk that much.”

“Smarter that way...”

“Come, Mia, let’s go back before they are setting up a search party for us. When you get ‘home’ write a list with all your demands, I mean, electrical demands... We’ll store everything in an empty house for now.”

“Thanks, Alex.”

“You’re welcome, Mia. It gives me something to do.”

“And others...”

“Yes...”