Ella.

I trusted Kylie without reservation. She knew me better than anyone else in my previous life. It was time to take a leap of faith. I wouldn’t be able to get out of the mess I was making. So I sighed and said:

“Okay...”

“Good... You stay here, I’ll go and get her.”

So I just sat there. Waiting. And she came. Walking.

She sat next to me, in the small alcove, pressed against me and said:

“Hi.”

“Hi,” I replied. I had no idea how to start the conversation.

Silence followed. Uneasy silence. But Kylie told me to give her a chance, so I did.

“You must know I like you very much.” I told her.

Fuck... I felt like a teen, trying to start a relation with the girl of his dreams. Way too clumsy.

“Alex. Listen. I waited long enough for you to take the first step. Let me talk first, now.”

“Okay.”

What else was I supposed to? Bumble my way through it?

“I want you to see me as I am. Not as you think I am. I am not a child anymore. I wasn’t a child anymore since I was... well, long time before I was eighteen. I am not a girl either. ****, needing a lot of protection. I needed you to help me to get independent, and you did. I am free now. I can survive. But I need love too. Like you need love too. I needed help, like you need help too. If you continue to see me as a girl, I cannot give you the help. So, I want you to see me as I am: a woman. A strong woman. I love you. You love me too. I care for you, like you need to care for me, not for a girl, but for a woman. You can protect me all you want, as for a woman, so I can protect you against all that I can, as a woman. As I tried so hard to.”

Her decidedness, her determination and understanding of me certainly helped me to see her as strong. I had to admit I had been leaning on her for some time already. Love, care, protection and respect her the way she is and was, should have been my assumption in the first place. Not my projection of myself as I was on her age, desperately needing protection and freedom. Perhaps that was why I made that birthday gift. I saw her as being a younger version of myself. Wishing her the same things as I had wished for that time. Her birthday wish came true, mine never did. So I continued to see her as I was then. Instead of seeing her as I was now, capable of giving away my love, protection and care. We were equivalent in every way.

Once you make a decision, based on new facts of life, the execution is very simple.

“Yes.” I said very determined. Trying to convey all the meanings it had in that single simple word.

Yes, I want you to be my girlfriend. Yes, I want to be given a second chance by you. Yes, I want to give you my first chance. Yes, Kylie, Kara, Kate and Sophia were all right and I was wrong. Yes, I want to see you now as the person you are. Yes, you are strong. Yes, I can lean on you.

Yes, I want you.

“Yes, to all.” I tried to clarify my own mind. And hers.

She didn’t need further clarifications in our relation, she was my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend. I would love her and care for her as a woman. And I could lean on her, be given advice, without asking for it. Unconditionally. And her question proved she understood completely:

“Good. Now, how about that sex problem you had?”

“Ah... well... the four women and I, couldn’t get out of a problem. You were correct, as Kylie said to me, I am in danger of getting burnt out, and totally not prepared for channeling my energy into sex on regular base. So with Kate, I burned out. I promised you not to let it happen again, but the solution we eventually came upon had to be worked out practically.”

“And the solution was?”

“Basically, me engaging in sex via roleplay with all of my girlfriends. But the scenarios had to be different for every one of them, and couldn’t be same each time for one of them. That way I would acknowledge the artificiality of the situation and wouldn’t get stuck in one fantasy, empathizing myself too much in one, and be able to make sure I could still distinct between fantasy and reality. I would have control over the situation, and have asked permission. They would have control to step out any moment they wanted, so I wouldn’t hurt them during it.”

“Ah... an interesting solution. So what’s the problem?”

“In order for roleplay to work for me, I need to be able to empathize with the role. It takes more time if I it isn’t compatible with me. More preparation if the script feels wooden. With Kate, I could only do it, if I was mentally prepared and she did that by giving me hints and suggestions before it. But since we are here, we can’t, I can’t wait too long.”

Ella replied very quickly, like she had the answer in her head all along:

“Every woman has fantasies about how men should approach them, how to fuck them, readily built in their mind, sometimes after long and multiple sessions of... stress relief on their own. But they can go way too far for you to do it at the first occasion. You need them... and me, because I will agree to that too, to build it up slower. So instead of a full blown submission fantasy by Kate for example she needs to make a fantasy that builds up towards it. Or even more fantasies in between. Otherwise you will only act upon them if you overstressed, and then you will burn out.”

“What’s your ultimate fantasy then?”

She was a bit silent after that question, but gave me not the answer I wanted, but needed.

“I will not tell you. Otherwise you will not act clearly enough on the fantasies leading up to it.”

“Hmm... true.”

“Come, Alex. It is time for me to join your other girlfriends. They are waiting for us.”