The first casualty of war.

The training officers blocked all exits, she noticed. Probably to prevent escape. Others seemed to get aggravated by it, but she didn’t mind at all. Where would she go anyway? It was not like she had a place to go. No, she was here in the right place, far away from all the others, going to places even further away.

Others called their loved ones, gave last instructions, teared up at their last conversations. She didn’t. Who was she supposed to call anyway? The only one she wanted to call, was completely, irrevocably unreachable, and the ones she didn’t want to call were way too close to her comfort. “Hey, my dear loverboy, just to tell you I hate you, and I am leaving for war, no, no need to look for me, goodbye!” She snorted at the mere thought she would do that.

We were rushed into the busses. She saw Kamal sitting next to Michael. Probably the only one who wanted him close by, or couldn’t refuse. Or the only one who wouldn’t talk back. Kemal was sitting too close by for her liking, but she chose to sit next to Alex, leaving open a seating at the window. She found herself liking him a bit. He was calm and respectful to others. It seemed her he was genuinely interested in the people around him and embraced the task of being responsible for us. Of trying to help us to steer clear of danger. Protecting us. Wish I had met one of those earlier in my life. It was difficult to talk to him. We talked a bit about music, we both liked trance music, but I couldn’t find any more conversation topics I was sure he would talk about. So I excused myself and set up my earbuds to listen to some music.

Well, actually I didn’t. To be safer it was always better to hear what others were saying without them knowing you were listening. Information is key, after all. I watched as Alex was writing in his diary, but restrained myself not to peek. Wouldn’t want them to peek in mine, now would I? I heard the three boys talking about soccer. I saw Kate still clinging nervously to her brother, barely saying anything. “Poor girl,” I thought: “She had really chosen the wrong moment to go for the career of physician, now being **** to enlist.” I saw the ugly one and the quiet one busy on their smart phones.

“Now, Kylie, she has one fine piece of ass, I would like to fuck!” Kemal said way too loud. “And Kate, is one of the cutest girls I met. I bet she would be willing to give me some love, don’t you think, Michael?”

Immediately the mood in the bus shifted. Alex turned around in his seat and must have glared to Kemal. If he wanted, Alex could glare right through you, I noticed before. It was one of the reasons the others accepted his command. Being glared upon you, like that, it made you feel very small, all of a sudden, the others said so too. Sadly, this time his glare had no effect. Except that the others, me most of all were glad he did. It seemed our team leader doesn’t look kindly to people overstepping. My expectation of him raised a bit. The conversations continued on the bus, albeit a little bit strained.

Nearing the end of the first part of our journey, I saw Alex standing up. He walked to the forefront of the bus and asked for silence.

“Just want to share some words. The most important thing in our team must be respecting each other. We all have different reasons to be here, and come probably from different backgrounds, but respect and politeness can help us a long way. Especially at war. Why? Because if you find yourself at risk, and the other one hates your guts, he or she could hesitate. And it could cost you your life. Just because you couldn’t bring yourself to show some respect along the way. Think about it, okay?”

And with that, the bus stopped and dropped us off. Except for Kemal and Alex, we all looked at each other. Although Alex had framed his speech for the group, we all realized who it was meant for the most. We all glanced at Kemal at one point or another. He must have picked up our glances, because he grumbled something and brooded in silence afterwards.

As practice the officers wanted us to set up camp. Alex didn’t hesitate to give us commands. It seemed he had no problems with giving commands too. A few of the men threw somewhat grumpy looks at him, but still did as he told them to. I was happy to help. For once I was asked to do something of use. Even when Alex demanded there should be a night’s watch, to practice that routine too, I happily joined the draw of sticks. I drew the shortest and would take the first shift of three hours. To my horror, Kemal would have to take the second shift. I hoped he wouldn’t wake up to do it. Him overtaking my watch. I felt a shiver running through my spine. And not one of those good shivers.

For three hours I was standing there, leaning against a big tree. I could barely keep my eyes open, constantly glimpsing at my army watch in the hope time would go faster and I could go to bed.

I didn’t even hear him coming. But suddenly Kemal was standing before me. He grabbed me by my throat. The fucker was grinning while he was slowly **** me.

“I know you don’t like me. But I know you will like this.” He whispered hoarsely.

I couldn’t react, I couldn’t even speak, let alone scream, such was his ****. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t even try to hold him off. I didn’t even try to scratch him or poke his eye with my free hands. Even when he released his grip on my throat somewhat and I could breathe again, I didn’t do anything, didn’t scream. He started fumbling with his other hand under my cloths and I squirmed in panic when I felt him roughly groping my breasts. I cursed myself for not being able to do anything. I was afraid, in true panic. I saw my hopes, meagre as they were, being dashed in, becoming his for the rest of the war, when he said:

“Ah, I see you are going to show me some respect by not resisting. After all, respect is what’s most important in this platoon, and not giving me the respect I deserve could end up you being dead. Do you get me, bitch? Show me respect all the time from now on, and you might see the end of this war. Show me respect, and I might not hesitate saving you. Show me...”

Whatever he was going to say next, it was cut off in an odd squelching sound. I saw a knife going through his throat. His blood sprayed upon my face. He fell to the ground, and there before me stood Alex, with the knife in his hand. He looked more than angry. He was seething in silent fury. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to say sorry. Why would I need to say that? But still it was the only word I wanted to say, I couldn’t understand. My mind was going in circles. I couldn’t say nor do anything. I just stood there, petrified of what had happened. Petrified of what I had done, or hadn’t done, I couldn’t think, I...

I heard it before I felt it, but Alex had slapped me. It shook me right out of it. Angrily, he ordered me to go clean up my face and go to bed.