Connecting with Alexis (Natalie PoV)

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I would find inside. Leaving Alexis alone over the weekend was a poor decision on the best of days. Now that she was spiraling, I dreaded what I would walk into. One guy I could handle, but two or three? An old memory surfaced then. It was just a blip, an echo of what used to be when I prided myself on that.

Hesitating at the door, I waited until the memory had faded into the past where it belonged. Holding my head high, I opened the door and stepped inside. Of all the sights to see, Alexis sitting on the couch was the last thing I expected. She gave me a surprised look, frozen mid-bite with an apple. For a few seconds, we both stared at each other.

“You’re dressed,” I said as my eyes swept over her. Not only was she dressed, but she was also appropriately dressed. Enough that I dared hope—

“You’re sober,” she fired back and I winced. I took the blow knowing I deserved it. I would use this to fortify my resolve. There was no room for that weakness. Not anymore. Too much was at stake to lose myself in booze and all the shit that came with it.

Closing the door behind me, I flipped off my shoes by the door. “I deserve that.” I glanced at her, setting my stuff by the wall as I entered the tiny apartment. The place designed for one person. A home that I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into building. Neither one of us could escape from the other, even if we wanted to.

“That was an asshole move on my part. I shouldn’t have…” Alexis was giving me a knowing smile as I fell back onto the couch beside her. “I take it the makeup sex was worth it?”

I rolled my eyes as she offered me the apple. I paused before taking it and biting off a chunk before handing it back. My affirmative was muffled by the apple.

Hearing my sister’s knowing giggle was worth it. She seemed… better. Something had happened when I was away. “What about you? Have a good weekend?” I braced myself for what I was about to hear.

“Had Victoria and Ezra over.”

Relief flooded me. That was good news. I wasn’t quite clear on the relationship between the three but I knew Victoria offered more good than bad. Yes, she was often pulling Alexis to orgies and sex parties, but Alexis was the type of girl who would have found them anyways. I would rather her go with a friend than be there alone with strangers. Both Victoria and Ezra cared about Alexis. I almost wish the three had a serious talk about their relationship, but I knew Alexis was too much of a free spirit to be tied down and I wasn't sure if there was enough room in the relationship for her.

I prayed that she wouldn’t regret it later.

Maybe that was why Alexis, despite her lifestyle, was in a better place than I ever was when we walked the same path. She had loving friends who looked out for her. When I was hopping from party to party, I did it alone.

There was a hesitation as she looked at the TV. “Jake too,” she muttered before biting her apple.

My eyes went wide as my head snapped over towards her. “What?”

The power of my reaction surprised both of us. I quickly pushed aside the emotional impact and mental pictures that came from the idea of Jake and Alexis… Ignoring the feelings those images brought with them.

“Not like that,” she finally said. “I wish, but he came over to talk. We… cleared some things up.” I could see the sadness in her as she focused on her apple, taking another bite and chewing it slowly to avoid talking more.

“Alexis,” I said, reaching out to rest a hand on her arm. She looked up and looked me in the eye. “It’s been a while, but maybe we should…” I trailed off as I gave her a meaningful look. When she realized what I was asking, her eyes darted away.

“That probably isn’t a good idea.”

“It’s been over a year since we last—”

“For good reason.”

“Alexis—”

“I don’t want to. Sorry, Nat. I can’t—I just can’t. Not with what I’ve been—”

My hand found hers and she stopped. Her eyes drifted down to where I held her tightly. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Always and forever. No matter what. I told you that when we left.” She nodded. Leaning over, I pressed my head against hers. “Please,” I whispered. “I don’t want us to be like this anymore. I want to understand.”

Silence. I didn’t move, eyes closed as I waited. It was her choice. It was always her choice, but I desperately needed this, and I believed I wasn’t the only one.

Then I felt it. It was an odd sensation, like having a thought you knew wasn’t your own. Then another. I fought against my initial reaction to pull away and pushed into it. I opened myself to the foreign presence, welcomed it. We both gasped as one and I found myself suddenly beneath a waterfall of thought. Despite the drowning sensation, I pushed through, accepting it all as my sister’s Gift joined our minds.

I felt her anguish. The broken heart from her conversation with Jake. Her feelings of rejection were not because of a one-sided crush but because the timing was wrong. The pain knowing that there had been the potential for something great but knowing your fear held you back and let the opportunity pass. There was something else there. Acceptance? Jake had confirmed that he cared for her. Apologized for being unable to be what she wanted him to be, but accepting that she was someone worthy of being cared for. Loved. In a simple conversation, the boy had done something I had been trying to tell her for years.

Jake. He was everywhere. A constant presence in my sister’s thoughts. Her happiest moments were with him. I felt it all. The excitement of teasing him. His lack of reaction pushing me to up the ante. The thrill of him turning the tables on me. A rush of arousal hitting me when he touched my skin, pulled me closer…

Me? This… this wasn’t me. I loved Tommy but my mind was swimming with Jake. I ached for him. Wanted him to touch me. To—

The experience deepened as Alexis responded to my love for her and acceptance of what she was sharing with me. She was opening herself, and in the process, I opened myself too. The longing and desire for Jake was replaced by a parade of faces. Men. Women. I didn’t know who they were, but I knew what connection they had. The physical pleasure they brought with them. My body was on fire as memories not my own merged with my mind. The pleasure was overwhelming as I lost myself in the orgy of sex and lust. My sister’s many conquests found unity with my own.

And yet even here Jake lingered. A name. A specter that haunted even the deepest recesses of the mind. A face ever-present in my mind’s eye. Wishing it was him together with me. Longing for a man who seemed forever out of reach.

It wasn’t just sex either. I was here. The... other me. Love. Respect. The brave and unbeatable hero in the mind of a child. I saw myself through someone else’s eyes in a way that was impossible. A divine creature whom one could never live up to. The pain and regret of failing. Of failing her. Me. My pain reflected at me as I felt how much I meant to her. How she believed she was failing to live up to my expectations and the hurt of that belief. That she saw herself as someone unworthy of my love.

There was a faint twinge of fear in the back of my mind. We were too deep. We’d never been this connected before. Thoughts and memories ran together, making it difficult to determine whose memories they were. I didn’t dare step away, fearing it would be seen as rejection. Or was that her?

As I was experiencing Alexis’ memories, she was experiencing mine. The fights I had with Tommy. My feelings for him. She made love to him, taking my place as she experienced the difference the emotions and intimacy made when together with a man. The joys of being in a relationship. The warm and safe feeling of being held in the arms of the one you loved. I could feel her reacting. How she never realized how different it was.

Deeper.

Memories were sharpening. They ceased to be abstract things and became shards of dreamlike reality as I slipped in and out of them. I was drinking, dancing to the heavy beat of the music. A guy moved in behind me and I pressed my body against him. I felt his hands—

Another shard.

I was on a bed, my surroundings lost in a drunken haze and the dull thump of too loud music. The bed creaked, thumping the wall as the man I was with sent pleasure through me.

Another man.

Another.

No.

These weren’t Alexis’ memories. Fear gripped me as I realized what was happening. Where we were. Alexis’ presence was beside me. She was so clear here in this mental space, watching my life collapse around me. Experiencing it.

Stop. No.

I was dancing. Drinking. Two men. Three. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t pull away. The shards broke apart as we fell deeper.

The room was dark, the music a dull thud somewhere in my mind. There were men there. Hot guys who were looking for a good time. I was a good time. I was also the only woman in the room.

Alexis lived this shared experience as each guy took their turn with me. How many? I didn’t even know. I didn’t care. She felt them as I did. The joy my drunken self felt, lost in the pleasure and lust of it all. Proud that I had so many guys wanting my attention. Some guys weren’t content with just one time and got back in line…

Deeper. Darker. A single shard in the deepest reaches of my mind. The one I wanted to forget most of all. It was only a flash, but I remembered the deep loneliness as I waited for my name.

No!

And what was once one became two as the connection broke. I was in tears, gasping for breath as I shot to my feet. My chest was tight as my hand pressed against it. I couldn’t breathe. No matter how much air I sucked in, it wasn’t enough.

“Natalie.” I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look at her as I struggled to keep myself from falling apart. Again. I heard the pain in her voice and knew if I looked, I would lose it. “You—”

Taking a deep breath, I straightened my back and steeled myself. This pain was nothing new. I had lived it once and I would not let it control me a second time. My heart rate slowly returned to normal as the pain rapidly faded into the past. I turned to face my sister. Her eyes were red, tears running down her cheeks.

“I’m fine.” I gave her a strong smile. She needed to see that. That wasn’t me. Not anymore. This was me. I had a loving boyfriend. A sister who adored me. The people I loved gave me strength. Most of all, I wasn't alone. Not anymore.

“Are you?” The words hit me harder than I thought. It was the raw emotion in her voice. It wasn’t that she knew about my past, she had felt it. Lived it in a sense. Experiencing memories like that wasn’t like watching them on TV. You saw it through the eyes of the one living it. You felt what they felt. Saw what they saw. Worse, it was all affected by the bias of the mind. Rose-tinted as my mind did its best to make the happy ones happier while allowing the dark ones to craft their own nightmares.

It was the last thing I’d wanted. I wanted to understand Alexis, and I did. Her seeing the part of me I left in the past was never my intention.

My smile was soft as I remembered the love I felt in there. Her love for me. How she saw me. That fed my strength. With her, I could weather anything life tossed at me. “I am. That was years ago.” She had experienced that pain and terror for the first time. Me? I’d already lived it. Made my peace with it.

Sitting back on the couch, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in for a much-needed hug.

“That place at the end. It was so... cold. The fear I... you... felt. Did you...?”

“Have an abortion? Yeah,” I said with a sigh, running my hands over her back. The acknowledgment of it brought a fresh wave of pain from an old wound. I held onto the fading feeling of love and respect she had. I wasn’t that person anymore. Alexis didn’t see me as that person and that was all that mattered. It kept the old pain away. “You know I partied a lot when I was your age.”

“Yeah, but… Not like that.”

I chuckled. “Jealous? I was quite the party slut. Get a little booze in me and I’d be ready to go. I loved frat parties, and they loved me.” I let out a shaky breath as I released her. “At least you’re smart enough to have the guys use condoms.”

“That memory.” She didn’t need to specify. I knew the exact one she was talking about.

“Yeah…” I said as I looked away. “As you might have gathered, I wasn’t all there at the time. It was some frat party. I’d partied with them before and they didn’t care much about checking IDs so it was easy, free beer.” I paused for a moment. The memory was old and outside my mind, it seemed so distant. “I got hammered. More than usual. Why not? It was all free and I knew most of the guys… and they knew me.”

Alexis had her hands on her stomach. “So many…”

“At least five. Maybe up to eight. One after the other.” She grimaced, the feeling still fresh in her mind. One of them had been the father and I couldn’t even remember their faces clearly. I pushed the negative emotions aside, focusing on the person who needed me most.

“Sorry. You weren’t supposed to experience that. You weren’t ever supposed to know.”

“I’ve been to orgies. I’ve slept with multiple guys at the same time, but that… It felt… wrong. I was barely conscious. Couldn’t move… Tell them to stop… Oh god. I didn't want them to stop...”

“Alexis,” I said, reaching out to place my hands on her shoulders. “You did nothing. That wasn’t your memory.”

“I lived it.”

“No. I lived it. Remember that. It isn’t your burden to carry. You aren’t the stupid girl I was. You care about yourself too much to lose control like that. You have people who care about you. Most of all, you take the steps to protect yourself.” I smiled at her. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips against her forehead before ruffling her hair as I moved back to a comfortable distance. It took an edge off some of the fear I had about her lifestyle. Not all of it. Nothing could do that because I would always worry about her. But she wasn't me. That was the important part. She slept around, but she was always in control of herself when she did so. It was always her choice, not the **** and others making it for her.

Alexis was looking at the floor. “Does Thomas know?”

What a heavy question that was. “Yeah,” I said in a voice barely above a whisper. “Not… all of it. But he knows I had a wild past. He also knows that I’m not that person anymore.” I found myself smiling. She had experienced the love there in our relationship, so words were not necessary.

The smile faded as I wiped the tears from her cheeks. There were more important things to discuss than my past. “Sorry if I came off as being disappointed in you. That’s not my intention. I just… I want what’s best for you.”

Sniffing, she wiped at her eyes. “I know. Thank you. For believing in me. For giving me this chance. God, I can’t believe I’ve been flaunting all this in front of you after what you—“

“Stop.” Her eyes met mine. “You are not me and you have nothing to apologize for. Do you regret anything you’ve done?”

She held my gaze. I already knew the answer. I felt it when we were connected. Still, I needed her to tell me. I needed her to hear herself say it.

“Some of it…?” She took a bit more time to think before coming to her answer. “No.”

I rustled her hair again which caused her to bat my arm away as annoyance crossed her face. “Just be safe, okay?”

“Always.”

I stood. Half turned, I paused before focusing on her again. “And stop fucking guys on my bed.”

She winced. “You saw that?”

“Yeah. It’s fucking gross.”

“Like you and Thomas didn’t do it in my bed.”

“One time. One.”

She grinned and I found it matched mine. God, we were certainly sisters all right.

Lord help us.