Luck of the Irish

Meanwhile… Somewhere in Ireland…

In the dead of night, a pub door kicks wide open while the owner of the tavern tosses a small man dressed in purple onto the streets so hard, he flew across the roadside and into a pile of upturned garbage cans before wiping his gloved hands clean. Spitting on the cobblestone sidewalk, the barkeep watched the tiny imp stagger to his feet across the road, pulling a banana peel off his bald head and fall back to his hands and knees, blind stinking drunk.

“An STAY out you fockin little basterd, drinkin all my wares without a coin to show for it!”

“Yeah, yeah… Why doncha kiss a blarney stone and tell me if you get the gift of gap, maybe you’d make a good conversationali-hic… Conversa-ic… Sweet talker.”

Wiping his hands with his dish rag, the bar owner slammed the door behind him, leaving Mr. Myxlplyx to roll onto his back and chuckle to himself as he stared into the stars and moon overhead. It had been more than two and a half months into his personal exodus from the fifth dimension and he was having a blast. “Heh… This has been pretty sweet. Drinkin in the Bahamas, boozin it up in the Hawaiian Islands, downin liquer in Morocco, drinking in Moscow, sake sippin in Japan, wine’n & dinen in France… Huh… Maybe I’z gots a drinkin problem…”

Scratching his chin and rolling to sit up on the ground, Mr. Myxlplyx giggled and got to his feet where he wriggled his toes and began floating several feet into the air, floating aimlessly like a helium filled balloon as he made his way through the Irish streets at night. “Nah… Therz always a reason tooh celebrate, like Supes’s main squeeze, bet she’s havin the time of her life after that wish I gave’er… Must’ve, because ol big Blue hazn’t come knockin or the grand council show up ol fire and chocolate sauce… Heh, bunch oh stuffed up Keebler elves, they should open der own cookie brand er something…”

Eventually finding a wooden bench in front of a bus stop, the imp floundered around in the air, circling a light post and land headfirst into the bench seat, laughing to himself as he rolled back up and lounged to catch his breath, placing his purple bowler hat on top of his bald head.

“I wonderz what she’s doin now? Bet she’s giving her hubby the best day of his life knowing der’s no Kryptonite after she’s done.”

*

Scurrying between desks and ducking when he heard a roar that sent everyone falling to the floor with their hands at their ears, Clark winced and tried to find the exit. An office desk flew across the floor and sent everyone nearby crying out as they darted to get out of its way. Crawling under the following desk and keeping out of sight, Clark used his x-ray vision to find the stairway and make his escape.

“Where ARE you my little treat, you can’t hide from ME, I can smell you!”

Pausing on the spot, Clark looked up to see Jimmy hiding under a desk while more office furniture was scooped up and tossed out of the way of the monster woman rampaging through the editor’s floor. Their eyes locking for a split second, Jimmy’s eyes looked up and went wide, just in time for the desk Clark hid behind was hoisted up by a clawed hand to be tossed over the monster’s shoulder.

“THERE you are my delicious little gingerbread man you! Oooh, look at YOU, trying to get away?”

Grabbing Clark by the waist and lifting him as easily as lifting a toddler by the scruff of his jacket, Lois brought him close to breath in his scent and lick her tongue across his face. The act sizzled against his skin, instantly making Clark cry out in pain and leave burning smoke across his cheek when she pulled away to savour the taste. Her tongue felt like being exposed to the surface of the sun, even he felt that kind of heat off her. She must have absorbed so much radiation from all the kryptonite she consumed, she was a walking fusion reactor now. But that wasn’t the worst of it. When Lois stopped letting her eyes flutter from the taste and stare back into his frightened eyes, the look into her green, glowing irises told him everything he needed to know.

“Hmm…. You look JUST like my husband, and taste like him too… Oh, did Clark make you just for me? He always was the romantic, placing you on his desk like a treat.”

She was insane.

The delirium he found her in a month ago was a pale shadow to the state she was in now. Wild eyed, panting, breathing hard from her nostrils. Lois wasn’t just starving; she had become manic with kryptonite withdrawal. Even after scouring the Earth clean of the mineral, it wasn’t enough, and likely would never be enough to sate her current form.

“L-Lois, you have to…”

“GASP! And you TALK! Mmmm… Now its almost a shame to take a bite out of you.” Licking her fanged lips, Lois’s eyes became half lidded and sultry as she raised Clark over her head. “Maybe I’ll start with the head then… ‘giggle’… A little head from my talking, hubbie shaped…”

Her face went serious when an office chair struck her from behind, breaking apart after colliding with the craggy spines running down her back. Looking over her shoulder, her eyes glowed a sickly green and a dark and low growl filled everyone’s ears.

“Drop’em, you big ugly freak!”

There, holding a trash bin as his next item to toss at her, Steve stood on shaking legs as she dropped Clark and made her way towards him. Her looming shadow encompassing the man as she quickly snatched the bin out of his hands and crushed it with the same ease as an empty soda can. Realising he just bit off more than he could chew, the man raised his hands in surrender and began to back off.

“Heh, n-no hard feelings, you can have’em, I just…”

A green glow began to emit behind Lois’s fanged teeth, growing in intensity as she breathed in and caused her chest to thrust out. Realising what she was about to do, while on the floor, Clark used his powerful breath to blow a gust of air that knocked the man on his rear, just in time for a column of raw kryptonite radiation to blast out of Lois’s mouth and flash melt everything in front of her. Leaving a scorched hole through the cubicle walls leading out to a glazed hole in the window. Looking down at Steve, the man whimpered and cried out, running for his life. Crossing her arms, Lois’s tail flicked back and forth behind her.

“Never did like your articles Steve… NOW, where’s that juicy treat my husband left for me?”

Turning her attention back to where she dropped Clark, she found him gone. Darting her horned head across the editor’s floor, she didn’t see him anywhere, save finding the emergency exit click close at the far end of the hall.

Safely out of sight, Clark stripped off his grey-blue business suit to his blue and red costume and cape, flying up the emergency stairs to the roof of the Daily Planet. Even before he reached the door to the roof, he could hear a door below him burst off its hinges and a roar echoed out from the stair well. Exiting out into the open air, Superman was out of the doorway for just a split second before it exploded open from Lois jumping up to catch up to him, clawing her way out to freedom with a drooling grin on her pert lips.

“THERE you are… Slippery little thing you… Ooooh, and you changed COLOURS too! How did Clark know my favorite colour was red?”

Stepping back and keeping an eye on his wife, Clark watched her slowly approach, brandishing her claws like she was going to pounce on him. He had no idea if he were strong enough to stop her, and even if he did, he didn’t want to hurt her, not while she was like this. He was running out of options, that is until he noticed her step in a puddle of water, melted by the early March weather. When her clawed toes splashed into the puddle, the heat she gave off flash boiled it into steam. Just like when she was at the weapon’s facility. He had to cool her down somehow. Darting his eyes to look over the horizon to the North, he gave Lois one last look and flew off with enough speed to give off a sonic boom. If he were lucky, she would follow him to where he had planned.