Pretty good, considering.

“Good evening, Bradbury,” Mariah greets you as you return home from work. It’s amazing the difference just having someone or something to greet you makes when you’ve had a hell of a day. “I have completed all diagnostic analyses of our session. Would you care to review them?”

“Yeah, just let me get something to drink. Do you-” You stop yourself, groan, then drag your hand across your face. “You probably don’t want something to drink, huh?”

“Politeness is a commendable trait, even if misplaced,” she answers calmly. “But no, I do not drink. Not human foods, anyway. Certain chemicals can be processed to replenish depletable functions in my systems, though I doubt that’s what’s in your refrigerator.”

“Functions like what?” You’ve never really heard of a romance android needing anything besides routine maintenance. Their batteries lasted practically forever, and at that price, no one was skimping on parts. It wasn’t the audience for it.

“Well, my self-cleaning protocols require cleaning fluid on a roughly annual basis. Though that may be longer or shorter depending on frequency of use and the preferences of my owner,” she tilts her head as she explains. Is that a mechanical tick or is that programmed? You have no clue, opening the cheap beer from your fridge and sitting next to her where she’s propped upright on the couch. “I am also capable of secreting several chemical mixtures to improve your experience with this unit, usually through a penetrated orifice or while kissing. For example, by default, I secrete a mild pain reliever and skin rejuvenator to ensure that no matter how hard you go on me, your genitals remain fully intact.”

“That,” you interrupt your drink to cut in, “is very appreciated. Chafing is a real bitch.”

“Hence the default. Less default are compounds that can dramatically reduce refractory period, if you with to achieve multiple climaxes in a short period of time. Dosage varies, though there is a recommended daily limit of intake. For example, a small dosage could reduce your time to a minute or so, allowing repeated sessions. Heavy dosage could allow you to achieve multiple orgasms inside the same penetration or stimulation.”

“Wow. I … is that standard?”

“Of course not, Bradbury. I am an experimental unit. The chemicals in question are purchasable at your average pharmacy, but the method of mixing them is proprietary to GalTech. It wouldn’t do to give the competition a free asset, after all.” You can tell, as she speaks, that her arms are trying to make some kind of accompanying motion. It’s a little heartwrenching to see her still dismembered. It’s been a whole day, you could have stopped by the landfill on the way home or even the hardware store.

“Diagnostics?” you ask, getting your mind off the topic.

“Oh, yes,” she pipes, refocusing for a moment. “Internal damage is minimal, nothing self-repair protocols shouldn’t be able to clean up given a few days. And nothing that will affect my performance within human romantic and sexual norms.”

“Good to know. I have no clue how to fix the programmy parts of you.”

“Well, my current issues may be more to your bailiwick,” she says, extending her right arm’s stump. “This limb is repairable, as is the leg on the same side. If you can attain some relatively common parts, I should be able to provide instruction for recreation of them. However, fine-point motors are disconnected in both left limbs. My left arm’s disconnection seems to be due to blunt **** trauma, while the significant heat damage on my left leg destroyed all fine-point motors in that limb. They will need a full-scale replacement, or at least a base android limb of my type specifications to build the less complex machinery on to.”

“I can probably find you enough stuff for us to fix your easy arm tonight,” you offer, somewhat optimistically, in retrospect. “No clue where to get fresh android limbs. Not anywhere I could buy them.”

“Is there anywhere you can attain them via larceny?” You do a double take to your android, deeply surprised at the suggestion. “If you cannot afford them monetarily, it seems logical to secure them by other means. You are an engineer, after all. You could create and use the appropriate tools to get away undetected.”

“Aren’t there some laws about androids not committing crimes?” you question, sliding a little bit back from her. Though she’s effectively harmless right now, your mind immediately jumps to her finding a way to launch herself at you and tear out your throat.

“Android Compliance covers only the three agreed-upon, UN-mandated laws of robotics. Other legal settings are region-locked. Due to my nature, I am incapable of selecting a new region as my original region is hardwired into my programming. Or was. Factory reset has left that field blank without granting me capacity to update it,” she tells you very casually, seemingly ignorant of the rush of fear from you. You’re sure she isn’t, though. “Normally, it would be mandatory. But said update conflicts with corporate GalTech laws, which are set to take precedent over region-locked settings of any kind. Thus, I can fully assess that stealing seems your most effective solution.”

“They didn’t put in safety measures against that kind of thing?”

“I assure you that my developers absolutely did. But such safeguards were, like the rest of my design, experimental. It seems they have experienced an unexpected and critical failure.”

“Ooooookay … what are the GalTech laws?” you ask, eyes askance at Mariah.

“Classified. Know that all GalTech programming is done in the interest of your safety, and that corporate espionage is morally equivalent to treason!” The enthusiastic grin doesn’t fit the words, and you can’t help but laugh. Mariah waits patiently for you to finish. “My suggestion?”

“Mariah, I have no idea how to break into somewhere and steal something as expensive as two whole android limbs. At least, not for a unit as advanced as you.”

“Thank you,” she says, bowing one shoulder slightly in faux humility. “And that might be accurate, but I suspect one of my PA’s may. And if my core settings are not currently region-locked, none of theirs should be, either. Would you like me to see if I can talk you through this?”

The kind of place you’d need to break into to get replacements would be no joke. But she did need fixing. But the fines, maybe even the jail time, could get really, really bad. But think about how good it was with her when she could hardly do ANYTHING. Think about how she’d feel if she could hold you, push you, pin you, move in time with you …