Part II: Your Greatest Fear

"How do I even begin to answer that?" I asked disbelievingly.

"Just begin." She replied softly. "It gets easier after you begin. What came to mind first when I asked you that question?"

"Well I suppose, considering the context, I'm afraid of dying alone." I offered.

"Everyone dies alone sweet boy. You might have someone to hold your hand at the gate, but no one can cross the threshold with you."

"Well then I guess I'm afraid of dying without having experienced my true love story; without experiencing all the things I want to experience really. 'You Only Live Once', and all that." I countered.

"They do say that don't they. So what do you think happens to all those experiences you've accumulated when you finally give up the ghost?"

"I don't think anyone can answer that. Maybe there's an afterlife and I can look back fondly on all the memories I've made. Maybe there's nothing; maybe the lights just go out." I speculated.

"Think it through. If there's nothing, if you will forget all of this, then why are you concerned about any of this? Good or bad, it all returns to dust."

"That line of thinking is way too depressing to consider." I laughed. The kind of dismissive laugh you make to break the tension of a moment that's all too surreal.

"An absurd existence certainly." She laughed. "But maybe your greatest fear can become your greatest ally."

"How so?" I questioned.

"If you knew you were going to live for a thousand years, or ten-thousand, do you think you would feel so stuck right now?" She asked between sips of tea.

"I suppose if I knew I had that much time, I would feel much more comfortable taking my time with life. I wouldn't feel rushed to make certain things happen for myself. I'd be able to just enjoy the experience as it came; savor the surprise."

She grinned playfully. Apparently I'd said the right thing.

"Let's connect the dots then. You've offered two possibilities for the fate of your soul. Option one, it all suddenly stops one day and you forget all of this like it never even happened. All you have is the present moment. You might prefer some moments more than others but in the end each moment is just as absurd as your last. Regrets, unfinished business, unquenched desire; it all just evaporates. Any attempt to grasp on is always revealed to be vanity."

She paused for another sip of tea, casually evaluating my response. I wasn't giving much of one but I was listening intently. This girl who knew too much had my full attention.

"Option two", she continued, "is that it never ends. Something of your consciousness always continues. And if you are infinite, you will eventually experience everything you want to experience. As you said, there is no rush. Once the pressure is off, you may come to appreciate a life full of surprises over a life fully under your control."

"Okay, I'm starting to follow your logic. But answer me this... If I have infinite time or all too little, what is my motivation to act now? In one world I might become lazy, in another I might become paralyzed." I replied.

"You don't need a reason for Play. You're still thinking in terms of control, of willpower, of striving. The universe wants to dance with you, but you still think this is a solo adventure. What would happen if you just surrendered to the flow?"

"I don't know how to do that." I admitted.

She shook her head. "You're still scared."

"Of what?" I asked exasperated.

"You're afraid of **** but that's just the tip of the iceberg. It represents the ultimate uncertainty in an existence full of uncertainty. You fear the harms, the disappointments this universe may inflict upon you. You had the boldness to enter into her body, but now cannot look her in the eye." Her voice took on an almost stern tone.

I didn't quite follow what she was saying, but somehow I felt ashamed enough to drop my gaze and look away. I realized the irony moments later. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

"It's okay." She said, now with a sweet innocence in her voice. "We all get nervous on our first time."

I looked back in confusion. 'First time for what?' I wanted to ask. But she continued.

"She wants her first time to be with you too."

"Who..." I started to ask.

"Know that you are infinite." She spoke, now leaning forward, piercing my soul with those sharp green eyes. "You didn't need me to come for you, but I came for you anyway. I came for that scared little boy hiding inside of you. I want you to savor this life, not give it way to fear."

"I... I believe you" was all I could say.

"Will you surrender? Will you consent to receive my gift?" She asked with an air of authority.

I didn't know what she was asking of me. A blank check authorization essentially. Was this what surrendering felt like?

"I... Do."

"Let's show that little boy how to grow up." She said. And with that she suddenly snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. And just as suddenly, we were no longer sitting in a booth in a downtown hookah bar.