Opening Up (Cassy POV)

Every summer that goes by, things change. Interests shift. Friends come and go.

But some summers are more important than others. Like the last summer with Tessa and Wyatt before they began college.

The house became a lot quieter after they left. Tess was still around, technically, but just barely with her classes. But Wyatt was plain gone. Vanished. I finally had all the space I wanted to have friends over, to make noise, but it was never really as awesome as I thought it'd be.

Tess was my big sister. She was shy, but smart. She knew the answer to any question before you asked it. And Wyatt? He was cool, and adventurous. He was one Tessa’s best friends, and I’d known him since, well, since forever, I guess.

When Tessa was busy, and Mom was out, Wyatt was the one who came over to watch me. I know he got paid, and I know I was just his friend’s kid sister, but we played so many games, went on so many adventures…

I missed back then. I missed Tess and Wyatt when they were around all the time. I even kinda missed being a kid, in a dumb, rose-colored glasses, nostalgic sort of way.

But I was 18 now. Had been for months. I was an adult too. We all were.

So it didn’t surprise me that this summer would be a change. But man. This summer? It was shaping up to be the biggest change yet.

I hadn’t seen much of Wyatt over the last year, but all that changed when he came home from college.

Wyatt was back coming over to our place a lot, mostly to hang out with my sister. But it was like, a lot, a lot. Every week. A few times a week. Tess was hanging out at Wyatt's house, too, I’m pretty sure, but she never outright admitted it.

All the secrecy, all the snickering and sneaking around, it got on my nerves.

When I was younger, Tess would run off with Wyatt and they’d have their own adventures, without me. I was too young, too annoying, too emotional, so they left me behind most of the time. I was just Tess’s kid sister. But it always bothered me. I wanted to go to the movies, too. I wanted to go out swimming, too. I wanted to go to prom and homecoming, too.

Tess still kind of saw me that way, sometimes. Wyatt too. But I was an adult now, and it was frustrating to be seen as a child. Or at least, that's how it used to work between us.

It started with my sister. When Wyatt began swinging by all the time, Tessa went through some changes of her own.

She started by acting different. Nothing bad, mind you. Just, being more confident with herself, more outgoing with people, and places. All without me, Mom, or Wyatt prodding her into it.

Tess cut her hair, dyed it. Went out to the mall on her own or with friends and came home with more stylish, revealing clothes.

It felt like I had a whole new sister. And I think I knew why, too.

The way Wyatt talked to Tessa, the way he looked at her… it was changing, too. He paid special attention to my sister. Doted on her. Hung off her every word. Sometimes, he swung by with the sole purpose of dropping off a mixed CD he’d thrown together for her.

There were a few of those shiny black CDs. He thought he was being slick, but our generation doesn’t touch CDs. Wyatt had to have bought them special, just for Tess.

They might as well have been flowers.

Tessa was smart. She must've seen what was going on. The whole thing was pretty blatant, and that's when it got on my nerves.

Wyatt's new taste in music got on my nerves too, hearing it through the wall between me and my sister’s room, y’know, until I started listening more to it. Turns out Wyatt's taste in music was way, way better than I remembered.

So, I guess I didn’t mind so much Tess listening to his mixed CDs all the time. Especially not after I stole one of the CDs Wyatt gave her, and listened to it myself start to finish.

Each track was the kind that grows on you with time. That’s how you know a song is quality, when you don’t get tired of it. When the more you hear, the more you like.

Anyway. I eventually confronted Wyatt about things. About him and my sister. Just to figure out what was going on between them (nothing yet, turns out).

And I confessed I stole one of Tess's CDs, so I didn't have to listen to it through a wall anymore.

It was the right thing to do, too.

Wyatt was surprised at first. He probably didn’t think I was into the kind of music he was. But then it clicked for him. I wasn’t just his friend’s kid sister anymore. The day after, when he brought a new CD for for Tess, he brought two more, special made just for me.

My old babysitter was finally treating me like an adult. Like I was my own person. For once, I felt seen. Even if Tessa still saw me as her baby sister, Wyatt understood I was more. I wouldn’t be left out ‘just cause’ anymore.

Which… made me mad at Tessa. Let me explain.

Here Wyatt was, throwing himself at Tess. Spending time with her, doing nice things for her.

And what was Tess doing? Nothing.

Wyatt liked Tess. My sister could do anything she wanted with that. If she wanted to, she could kiss him. Touch him. Do things with him I could never dream of. It was an exciting thought - Tess and Wyatt, together.

But it reminded me that I had nobody. I liked soccer, and mountain bikes, and getting my feet wet in the creek. The guy friends I had didn’t look at me like that. Sexually, I mean. They couldn't look at me like that. They were too busy chasing girls who wore heels and did their makeup.

I didn’t used to care much about stuff like that, but this summer, now I did. Like I said - I was an adult now. It made sense that watching Tess play dumb and reject Wyatt would start making me feel things I hadn’t felt before.

It couldn’t be that I was more ready for romance than Tess was, could it? She read Jane Austen like it was the bible, for crying out loud. I played COD.

Was Tess dead inside? Didn’t she want Wyatt? Maybe her whole confident, outgoing streak was all just an act, and inside she was still the shy, self-conscious girl used to be when we were growing up.

So I took it upon myself to spell it out for her. To give my sister the nudge she needed.

One day after coming home from a bike ride by the creek, I burst into Tessa’s room.

“You should go out with Wyatt,” I told her, straight up.

Tess was laid out on her bed, lounging in a little cami top, panties, and knee socks. I still wasn’t used to seeing so much of my sister’s skin, but I stayed resolute.

Tess pushed herself up and gave me a squinting look. “You can’t say stuff like that, Cass. Mind your own beeswax.”

Comfy clothes for Tess used to be sweat pants and an old t-shirt, but that felt like a long time ago now. “Her body, her choice,” is what Mom said, after giving up on the subject. Tess had a way of turning it around on us when we confronted her about how little she wore around the house.

“No. Listen. He likes you. Really,” I explained, trying to be patient. “It’s why he keeps making you these CDs. It’s why he’s coming by so much!”

Tess rolled her eyes. “You don’t know half as much as you think you do. Get out of my room, Squirt.”

“But -”

Tess hurled a pillow at me. It nailed the wall beside my head. I retreated before she had a chance to correct her aim.

Even more frustrated than before, I stomped back to my room and slammed the door behind me.

Why was Tess being so stupid? Wyatt was blonde, tall, smart, fun to be with, handsome. She could be with him right now! Did she just not feel the same way he did? The theory made sense, but didn’t do anything to lessen my annoyance.

At the very least, Tess should’ve listened to me. Listened to what I had to say. But no. Boys? Relationships? Love? The second I mentioned anything important to Tess, she dismissed me like I was just her dumb kid sister again.

Frustration brewing, I stormed to over to my CD player. Out of my top drawer, I pulled out a CD cryptically labeled #C31, and slotted it into the player. I found the player for $5 at a thrift store, I’d bought it so I could listen to the CDs Wyatt gave me.

Wyatt’s music would help me think about something else. It always did.

At once, a thick bass beat pumped from the speakers, unlike anything I usually listened to. I mostly preferred alternative and folksy stuff, but the bass just hit different. Without even thinking about it, I was swaying, bopping to the beat.

It made sense my tastes in music were changing, that I'd be discovering new kinds of things I liked. Mom said I'd do a lot of growing up this year, so I was probably just growing up fast.

Wyatt understood that. He didn’t treat me like his annoying kid sister. I was an adult to him. Tess shut me down when I tried to talk to her about things that mattered, but Wyatt never did. When he came over, I could talk to him about anything. Tess used to listen to me, but apparently, that was Wyatt’s job now.

It was weird how different the two of them could be when it was just them. Their whole vibe was quieter, closer. Wyatt with his sharp, intelligent face, and strong shoulders. Tess with her beautiful, sunny eyes and mature, clever way with words. Like two pieces of a puzzle they snapped together.

I threw myself on my bed and, chewing on the edge of my thumb, imagined what it’d be like to be my sister instead.

It was easy to picture kissing Wyatt when I was her, to imagine his hand sliding up the outsides of my legs. My sister never wore pants anymore, so I kicked my jeans off to better the fantasy. As I did so, I felt my frustration shift around inside my body into something more tangible, into something I could do something about.

The music pulsed in my chest. In my head. I felt cold and hot at the same time.

I imagined Wyatt climbing over me. Looking at me the way he looked at my sister. The beat of the music kept going, and I parted my legs for the shadow, brushing my thumb across my lips - my skin vibrated to the beat. I was ready for this. I wanted this. I held myself between my thighs with my other hand, just to give some pressure when I rolled my hips.

I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel it. I so wanted to see for myself what being with somebody like this was all about.

Wyatt was going to teach me everything I needed to know.

The invasive thought soured the mood. I frowned and stopped moving.

No. In this fantasy, I was Tess. I didn’t need Wyatt to teach me anything. We were equals. We were adults.

I concentrated on the idea and held it in my mind, trying to get back on track. But the music’s bass beat kept thumping in my head. The fantasy of me being confident and mature like my sister became slippery. The harder I tried to hold onto the thought, the easier it slipped away.

My frown deepened, and I focused totally on being my sister, fighting to keep the framework in place. In my fantasy, I could be confident and mature like Tess, experienced like Tess.

But I grasped too tightly. The thought, and my belief in it, slipped out from my grip and vanished.

Left only with the bass beat pounding in my head, I felt empty. I didn’t forget my fantasy of being Tess with Wyatt hovering over me, how could I? But it no longer felt the same.

Strangely, I didn't feel worse, though. The music continued pounding, and instead, I felt open.

So, so open.

I spread my legs more and slowly circled my hips against the flat of my palm. That felt better, especially as I did it to the beat of the music.

The truth was, I had a lot to learn. I didn’t have the experience Tess had. The thought felt right. Real. More real than me being experienced and knowing like my sister. Yes, I was an adult, but stuff like romance was all still new to me. I still had some growing up to do. I still had some lessons to learn.

I teased the tip of my thumb along my lips, resisting the urge to push it into my mouth. I knew I shouldn’t, but I was feeling so open.

Wyatt was grown up. Mature. So was Tess. Tess knew as much as he did - she was his age, she was at college, she’d even gone on dates. Compared to that, I was basically still a kid. Wyatt knew way more than I did. If he liked me instead of Tess, he’d have a lot to teach me.

I listened to the music and spread my legs as wide and open as I could. It was really easy to grind against my hand now, and it felt really good.

I was a virgin, but I was ready to learn about sex.

The weird thought caught me off guard. It made me feel like a little kid, which rankled me, but then I knew it’d be okay... somehow. I nibbled on the end of my thumb, concentrating on the odd but reassuring thought, trying to make it fit.

Because even if I felt like I was still a kid... Wyatt treated me like an adult.

It was a weird idea, but not a bad one, and I felt open to it. Really, I was feeling open to everything. Maybe it wasn’t bad to feel like a kid sometimes?

I quit resisting and let my thumb slide into my mouth and gave it a little suck.

It was a bad habit of mine. But in the moment, it felt fine and I liked the taste. Nobody knew I still sucked my thumb sometimes. I never did it in front of anybody. Mom would go nuclear if she found out I hadn’t stopped when I was 9 like she thought, and my friends would never let me live it down, but they weren’t here. And it’s not like I was picking my nose or smoking cigarettes out back of school.

Wyatt would get it, not that I’d ever tell him. I rolled my hips hard into my palm at the thought.

Compared to Wyatt especially, I really was still just a kid, wasn't I? He knew more than me about stuff like romance and dating. And sex. mean, I was an adult. I knew Wyatt had probably slept with other girls before. I had a lot of growing up to do by comparison. But if I let him, if I asked, Wyatt would definitely teach me everything I needed to know about that. About all that.

I felt super open to that idea. It felt good. It felt true. I sucked my thumb as deep as it’d fit in my mouth, shoved my pelvis against the heel of my hand, and climaxed.

I laid back in bed and basked in the relief of tension, and the music.

But my mind, my heart, and my legs stayed open. It felt right to lie like that for a while. I was glad the door was locked. I didn't even want to think about what I looked like right now.

I was still sucking my thumb, but it didn’t bother me as much as it did before. I might’ve been 18, but I was still just a kid, and it was a relief to finally admit it. I felt like a kid, too. So open. So impressionable.

I had a lot to learn, still, but I was ready. I was an open book. I just needed someone to teach me. To… to fill my pages, I think.

I felt the music's deep bass in my chest like a second heartbeat, and I knew. Wyatt would be the one to help me grow up. I could trust him, but I had to be honest with him about how I was feeling.

Idly stroking myself over my panties, turning the thought over in my head, I listened to the rest of the CD, and sucked.