No, THESE messages

Kappa Mikey will be right back. Yes-Man thought Guano was a hamster again.

muffled screams from within Yes-Man's pants

Some guy is walking around a roomful of colorful cubicles.

Guy1: Hey, Phil, it's time to go home for the day.

The guy the first guy was talking to turns around to reveal a guy in an Invader Zim costume.

Ding!

Caption: Phil McCracken: Foley Artist/ Invader Zim fan.

Phil: PATHETIC _HU_MAN!! PREPARE TO FACE MY ALIEN WRATH...i....ness. Or someTHIIIIIING!!!

Phil murders Guy 1 with an ax.

Phil: AAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!! VICTORY!! Victory for the great Irken forces! Kneel before me, humans! Kneel or suffer the same ketchup-soaked fate as this other animation-****!! AA-HAHAHAHAHAHA-

Cops tackle and violently arrest Phil.

Nicktoons Network: We REALLY get into character.

Phil is sitting in the electric chair.

Phil: Your primitive chair of electricity cannot harm a might Irken warriorAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

In merely seven months, be sure to catch the newest SpongeBob Squarepants special that's no different from any other episode but ratings are lagging so we call it a special, SpongeBoobs Squarepenis! SpongeBob has finally come of age, and now he wants some goddamn ass! But who from!? Will it be Sandy?

Sandy: Well, go-o-OOO-LY, SpongeBob! I didn't know ya'll sponges had eight balls!

SpongeBob: Hey! Less Southern twang, more suckin' wang, bitch.

Pearl?

Pearl: GOSH, SpongeBob, daddy's gonna be mad if he finds out you're boning me.

SpongeBob: Are you kiddin', he's filming it!

Mr. Krabs: And I'm savin' five bucks by doin' it meself, instead'a hirin' some camera-wieldin' crook! I have to witness me own daughter bein' sodomized by me employee, but five bucks is five bucks!

Krabs goes off-screen, but the camera follows him and catches him jacking off on a twenty, then tickling his own asshole before realizing he's being filmed. Krabs pauses, then shrugs and resumes jacking off and fingering himself anally on a twenty dollar bill.

Or will it be someone the parents groups REALLY don't wanna see him have sex with?

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, I think I have some kinda hot dog magnet up my butt! But the hot dog can't decide whether it wants to stay in or outta me! And now it's spitting out soup!!

Could it be..?

Squidward: Zzzzz. wh...HUH!? spitting SPONGEBOB, WHAT WAS THAT DOING IN MY MOUTH!!? If you wanted to fuck my clarinet-hole, you could at least ask first! Like Patrick.

Patrick, from under Squidward's covers: Hi, SpongeBob!

Squidward: Hey! Less mindless cluckin', more ball-suckin', bitch!

Or will he just fuck his Krabby Patty again, like usual.

SpongeBob humps a Krabby Patty between the bun and meat for ten whole minutes

SpongeBob: heh...nyeh...urng...jeh...mm, heh...mm, you're the king, baby, you're the king... Okay, Krabby Patty, now it's your turn to be the pitcher!

That's SpongeBoob Squarepenis. Premiers nowhere near today, making advertising it now ridiculous. And be sure to check out the Burger King promotional toys! Strippin' Sandy, Patrick with realistic anus-reaming action, and a shitload of "different" variations on SpongeBob. Collect all 72 different orifice-shlurping variations!

New guy: I heard they found all sortsa heads in Phil's freezer when they raided his house.

New guy 2: Man, I wish I had a lighter on me so I could blaze this bad boy up.

A third guy jumps in and starts doing Power Rangers-esque mock kung-fu.

Caption: Jimmy Ballslap: Legal Department/ Guy who still says "I'm Rick James, bitch"/ Avatar fan

Jimmy Ballslap: I can light your blunt with my wicked fresh mad fire-bending skillz!! KEE-YAAA!!

Jimmy flails around, making a lot of sounds of great effort where they shouldn't be.

New guy: Get the fuck outta here, ya fruit!

Jimmy Ballslap: Ok...sigh

Nicktoons Network: We REALLY get into character.

Then there's a thing where there's a washing machine and this thing where....you know those electro balls that you grab them and it makes your hair stand up? Its like one of those with tentacles. Anyway, they move a little and I think its like a fight? And then the washing machine spins the electro thing and it flies away and takes a shit on the washing machine or something.

Yippee.

Someone else is walking through the room of colorful cubicles.

Some guy: I heard they found pictures of Phil fucking his neighbor's ca---Oh, hey, Gail, how's it...OH MY GOD, YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS AGAIN!!

Ding!

Caption: Gail Larson: Color coordinator/ Rugrats fan

Nicktoons Network. We REALLY get into character.

Dark, smoky room and ominous music. Camera slowly zooms in on somebody sitting on their couch with their head slumped back. There's blood all over the wall behind them and they're holding a gun. It's obvious this person has just shot himself.

Ding!

Caption: Samuel Rimjob: Guy who follows other more important people around with clipboards/ AAHH!! Real Monsters fan.

Nicktoons Network: ....Jesus....

Now back Kappa Mikey, something the real Nickelodeon will ever say because it's cancelled and will be forevermore.

awww...