Nia POV: Guilty pleasures

Turning off the light, I stepped into the room and sat on the edge of my bed. I stared at the floor for a minute; or what I could make out of it through the dark anyway. And it really was dark tonight…really quiet too. The crickets outside and the sounds of the highway were the only things keeping me company. If they were gone then I’d bet I was alone in the world.

I unraveled the towel wrapping my hair and gave it one more ruffle, before throwing it on the floor and myself onto the bed. My hair was all mussed now, sticking to my face and neck from the damp spots I somehow missed. It would’ve probably been better to get a brush, but I just didn’t wanna. I didn’t wanna do anything right now. Even breathing seemed like a pain in the ass.

I just stared up at the ceiling, restlessness blanketing me. Still dark…still quiet… My body was heavy, but here I was…wide awake and jittery.

Ahhh man, guess it was gonna be one of those nights.

Reaching over, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and held it against my chest. The glass felt nice against my skin. I tried to focus on that feeling, to give myself a little raft in the sea of unease, but it wasn’t enough. When I closed my eyes the dark screen came to life, bringing the last few hours back to mind. The overly horny walls of text, Rina and I jabbing Em…his excited begging…her…body.

My heart sped up, pounding as my thoughts started to wander through this whole crazy weekend. The embers in my belly flared again, followed by an aching shiver.

C’mon girl, this isn’t a good time…

I tried to put it out of my mind. It was late, I needed to sleep. I needed to, but I couldn’t help it. Everything was hitting me all at once. It was like a part of me was demanding my attention, whether I wanted to give it or not.

Just a few days ago Em and I were debating if we even wanted to do this, and now Rina and I were teasing Em and sexting all crazy… How did this happen so fast? I wasn’t planning on going that far our first time, but in the moment I just… Fuck, she really cums a lot. I could almost smell Rina’s loads through the screen. I teased Em about being covered in it again…even more than before. He said he for sure wanted that next time.

…

"Next time", huh? Wonder how soon that's gonna be. If we're texting like this every day I don't know if I'm gonna last the week… We have our sorta dress rehearsal dealio set for either Wednesday or Thursday, don’t we? I wonder…

Ugh man, my hornybrain is coming back. I just washed off, but I’m totally drenched again. I was hoping twice would be enough to get it outta my system. I was so rough too, I even used our toy… I wish we had a pool, that’d really get my mind off things. Maybe I could make due with some air?

Ignoring the molten lead weighing down my body, I jumped out of bed and made a bee-line for the stairs. Before I knew it, I was out the door and sitting in the yard, nestled in one of the camping hammocks dad left out after the barbecue.

The weather was really nice. Although it was still kinda hot, a light, relaxing breeze trailed between the family houses. It wasn’t cold enough to smother my fire — well, I’m not sure anything short of an ice bath would do that right now — but it helped clear my head.

The sky was super pretty tonight too, the lack of clouds leaving every constellation on display for me. Being out of the way had its perks sometimes, I couldn’t ever get this kind of view in town. It was a shame I didn’t know much about stars. Normally Em would tell me which one’s which, but…well, he wasn’t here right now. He couldn’t be here with me…

A sigh **** its way out of me, killing the short peace I’d found away from bed. If I couldn’t get away from it then I may as well tackle the issue head on. I just wish it wasn’t so late, it was so much easier hashing things out with someone else than alone.

…So…what’s up girl? C’mon, lay it all out. The sooner you stop putting this off the sooner you can feel better about it.

…

…C’mon Nia, things are only going to get more intense from here. If you don’t think about this soon then it’s going to seriously bite you in the ass.

Was it the direction we’re taking? …I don’t think so? I’ve always loved being prickly with Em here and there, and I know Em fucking loves it too~. Rina’s a little klutzy with the play right now, but she seems like she’s having fun. She follows my lead very well, at least, and she’ll only get better from here. If we’re all having fun then I don’t think that’s what’s got me worried, even if things get crazier…Especially if things get crazier, hehe.

A tingle of something unpleasant mixed in with my otherwise zesty excitement.

Ugh, there it is… Okay, think girl… Em always says to try and keep perspective — "ask questions!", as he likes to put it. Let’s back up; what made that happen just now? Maybe I was feeling conflicted about the sex getting crazier?

…

Nah, that’s not it. Not by itself, anyway. Em and I have roleplayed this stuff pretty extensively I think, so I doubt it’s the content…

Was it me having sex with Rina? I did kinda freak…no, I didn’t freak out, but I did have some trouble on Saturday. Maybe that was the issue?

Hmmm…no, I think I’m feeling okay about that right now. I was scared before we got the ball rolling, but now we've got a plan. Plus the awkward bits are out of the way, so I'm confident I’ll really start to have fun with it from here on out. I mean hell, even just this weekend was…

The kernel of anxiety welled up more as I focused on my feelings. I paused before trying to push through it, hoping to root out the problem once and for all.

…It was amazing…amazing and new, in a lot of ways. I’ve never seen Em cum so many times in a row…I’ve never had such intense sex before… There were a couple times where I totally lost myself in all the fucking. I even let Rina take charge. Yeah sure, I took it back later, but…the fact I needed to fight her at all was so different.

I started to feel agitated the more I dug. I wanted to stop, but I kept pushing. I had to keep pushing.

Were we really going to be doing this every week from now on? With my favorite kind of play…? Were we really going to reuse some of our old roleplays, like Em suggested? Even the ones we shelved…? Could…I handle…

…

I still don’t trust myself.

The realization twisted the heat in my stomach into a perverted, angry mess. The fact that I was still horny made me even more frustrated now that I knew why I felt this way.

Dammit… God dammit! That’s what it was, wasn’t it? That’s why I went on and on about how Em was my “only motivation” for this and how the sex with Rina wasn’t better than our usual. I wasn’t saying that for him, he barely even cares if that’s true. I know that stuff doesn’t really bother him! Shit! I said it for me! I said it for me and I didn’t even notice!

Wow, only a week in and you’re already lying to them? Old habits die hard.

I WASN’T LYING! I wasn’t…right?

A wave of nausea washed over me as I got more and more upset. I stopped digging and covered my eyes, trying to distance myself from the overwhelming emotions.

…

…Why? Why did it always come back to this? I mean, I know the reasons — I’d have to be a fucking idiot not to after angsting over this with Em for so many years — but it all felt so stupid! Didn’t I go to therapy for this already? Wasn’t that supposed to be the end!? When was I gonna get over it!?

…Haven’t I grown up at all? Am I really going to hold on to shit from high school forever…?

I cradled my face in my palms, drawing them down along my skin with an agonized groan. I hated moping like this, I hated how dumb it made me feel…but ignoring things obviously isn’t gonna work. I don’t want this to fester again… I don’t wanna hurt Em or Rina because I’m scared of my feelings…

…

Why does Em trust me so much?

…

Do I deserve to like this?

…

Am I still a bad person?

…

Just thinking about these things made me exhausted. How many times have I asked myself these questions…? How many times have I talked with Em and Lucy about this…?

A dark bitterness crawled from my anger, whispering to me as I dwelled on the situation.

That’s not fair. Of course it’s hard to move on when Em still can’t come over. AFTER ALL THIS TIME, they still haven’t let it go. Yeah, they don’t say that’s why, but you know it’s true. EVERYONE knows. Just another open secret in the family.

…

Nia: Ughhh!

I slapped my cheeks several times, trying to dispel the downpour of negativity.

Quit! Suck it up, Nia! You need to get over yourself girl, you’re being your own worst enemy! Don’t fall down these stupid fucking rabbit holes again… Things are going so well right now. Em and I are communicating, we’re having fun with Rina. I miss swimming, but other than that… Man I dunno, why am I acting like this?

I exhaled heavily. It almost felt like I was physically venting the anger. I leaned back and took several deep, slow breaths to help cool off. I needed to chill, all this stress was giving me a headache.

…

Man…the sky really is pretty.

…

I wish…

No. No more. I swallowed the rest of my thought and focused on the brightest star I could find…I think Em said this one is the Northern Star…? Or was it the one named after the dog? Cerberus? Serious? …Sirius, I think that’s it.

I’d have to ask Em tomorrow. Yeah, maybe I could google it, but…I liked having an excuse to see Em nerd out about something.

…

Nia: Hmm, I’ve never asked Rina how she feels about stars before. I wonder if she’s a fan too.

I lifted my phone into the air and took a few photos. Maybe if one turns out I can share it in the group chat.

…

Guhh…of course none of them would… What did I expect? Wasn’t that how it always went with phone pics? No point not sending it though, it’ll make for a good laugh if nothing else.

…

Nia, what are you doing? You can’t let yourself get so angry, it doesn’t help. Em’s supposed to be the self-serious one, not you.

…“Self-Sirius”...?

Nia: Pfft, that’s a good one…

…

Nia: Heh…hehe…hehehe. No it wasn’t, hahaha! Holy crap dude, I’m so fucking dumb…

Alright, I feel a little better after laughing at myself. I think I’m good now.

I know Em wants me to do this, and I wanna do it with him too. Getting cold feet because I’m more excited than usual isn’t gonna do me any good. Em always said it’s okay to like what you like, and I know that’s true. Hell, we literally had a talk about it before we asked Rina. I know all this. I just gotta believe in it… to trust myself more. I need to believe in myself like Em believes in me. He is okay, I’m okay, Rina’s…well, I’m not sure what she’s up to, but I hope she’s okay too. We’re gonna make this work. Everything’s gonna be okay…and if things aren’t? Then, well, we’ll talk it out as a team.

I closed my eyes and took several more breaths as I mulled over my resolution. It didn’t feel very final, but it would have to do for now. Getting that anger and anxiety out will get me through the night, at least. I’ll figure out the rest as we go.