Needs

Emma didn’t show up to the session. Wasn’t expecting her to either. My texts went unanswered and when I tried to call, she sent it to voicemail.

The session turned out to be a bust anyway. Not much got done. Owen and Ben especially seemed lost. Her absence made me realize how much she had integrated into the group. I could see it in the others too.

I called it early. Our focus was on other things and no one seemed to have any energy.

It hurt seeing how important she had become. If she decided that was it and was going her separate way, our group would never be the same. The depressing thing was that I felt okay with that. We’d been together for around four years now and besides Mike, I was **** to face the truth that our relationship was never all that deep. Sure, we had some similar interests and stuff, but Owen was an asshole. Ben was fine, but we never really connected beyond the group setting. Trent… was Trent. Even after four years I barely knew anything about him.

Misfits who banded together by necessity rather than deep bonds. We’d been fine before because there was nothing to measure it against. Emma had brought an energy that none of us could replicate. Her presence changed the group as much as she had changed me.

And seeing the impact she made pissed me off. Not because of the changes, but because of how embedded she was in my life. Not even my friend group, outcasts by pretty much every measure, was spared. Without me even realizing it, she touched nearly everything in my life in some way.

Yet what impact did I have on her life? Removing her from my life was like pulling a plant up by the roots and tossing it aside. Would she even notice my absence?

Scrolling through some manga I was following, I ignored the doorbell. It was a Sunday and the last thing I wanted was to deal with some salesperson or missionary pushing their church on me. I’d let mom or dad deal with that.

So the soft knock at my door made me jump as I spun around. The door wasn’t closed, so it was a bit odd for there to be a knock. Usually my parents would just call for me. Seeing Emma standing there was the last thing I expected. Friday hadn’t ended well and she’d blown me off completely yesterday.

She had a soft smile as she stood in the doorway. “Kinda disappointed I didn’t catch you at a bad time.”

“What are you doing here?” I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but I think I was still angry after yesterday. Friday had been bad, but to completely ignore me? What truly pissed me off was my first reaction to seeing her was to release the anger I was holding against her for that.

The cute smile faded. “To apologize. My behavior on Friday and yesterday was… not good.” For someone who seemed to be a master wordsmith at times, she was struggling now. “You were right. I am not in a position to dictate who you spend your time with or what you do with them. I… got lost in it.”

“In what?”

“Our game. At the end of the day, that’s all it is: a game.”

Running a hand over my face, I sighed. “It’s… fine. Apology accepted.” And like that, I once more set the piece upright. The piece she would knock over. Again and again.

She didn’t say anything more, awkwardly standing there. I let the silence fester. I simply wasn’t in the mood to **** things.

“Do you regret it?”

“Huh?”

Her gaze went to my bed and memories flooded me. The feeling of her legs on either side of me. The look on her face as she waited for me to take what I wanted. The wetness on my finger as I touched her in a way I never thought I would.

“Oh.” Did I regret not sleeping with her? I had been crushing on Emma practically since we met and I was right there. Right there. But my uncomfortable conversation with Ryan put some perspective on things as well as the event that sparked this whole thing. I wasn’t the sort of guy who could walk that path. Emma’s friends were all attractive in their unique ways and I would be the first to admit I got sucked into the moment. The confidence boost of having seven hot girls offer themselves to you was a hell of a thing. Thinking back though, I never wanted to actually sleep with any of them. The only reason I said what I did was to tease Emma.

Emma.

It always circled around to Emma.

“No,” I answered with a sigh. “Did I want to? More than anything. Stopping was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Regret it? No.” My eyes met hers as she looked down at me in my chair. “You were right. I’m not the casual sex kinda guy. Do I want to have sex? Yeah. Pretty damn bad too. Like… really bad. You haven’t exactly made it easy for me.”

“You know any of the girls would be more than happy to help you with that.” I felt my eyebrows rise at that. She shrugged. “You’re a friend of a friend. Even without that, a few of them enjoy taking guys’ first time. I prefer a more experienced hand myself but to each their own.”

I let the last part of her sentence roll past. “Would you be okay with that?”

“I’m in no position to stop you.”

“Didn’t answer my question.”

She didn’t look at me. “I would be lying if I said yes.”

“So you don’t want me to be with other girls. Why?”

“The idea of you making another girl feel the same way you make me doesn’t sit right with me.” She thought for a moment. “It’s not the sex part. Maybe if you were open to casual sex I would feel different about all this. But as you said, that doesn’t interest you. I even gave you the option and you rejected it. That…confused me. I had to ask myself, why? Why would a man who so clearly wants to have sex with me reject it when it’s offered?”

Moving over to my bed, she ran her hands over her skirt before sitting. Her voice was soft as she spoke. “I spent most of yesterday talking with Sarah and Emily about this. All this, you, it’s not really in my skill set.” She brushed at her hair, looking toward her lap as she rested her hands there. “I know there is something off with me. It’s never been a big deal though. I’m content with life. I love my sister and dad. I have great friends who, along with my family, give me plenty of support and social fulfillment. All my needs are filled. Socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, I have no complaints.” There was a pause and she took a deep breath. “I have never felt compelled to be in a romantic relationship. Guys have asked before. Guys I consider friends. I turned them down because it never interested me. They simply offered nothing more than what I already have. Then you came along.”

She looked up at me.

“A lot of this is thanks to Sarah and Emily spending hours helping me untangle this, so I hope it all makes sense. You are… special—but not in the way you are hoping for.” She let that sink in as she collected her thoughts. “Emily asked me a simple question yesterday. ‘Do you have romantic feelings for him?’ It was a bit of a shock. I didn’t know how to answer that. Romance has always been…irrelevant, and I never gave it any thought. What are romantic feelings? The more they explained the sensations, the feelings, the way the body reacts, I couldn’t deny that I felt those things” Her head fell as she broke eye contact, tempering the hope I felt at her words. “When I’m collecting material for you,” she finished with a whisper.

I felt myself physically deflate. My mind had warned me that this wasn’t going to end how I hoped, but hope was a downright bastard. Those sweet lies it whispered in my ear were a seductive call I couldn’t help but follow.

“The me you see in those videos? That’s not me. Not really. I’m actually not that fun in bed. Never have been. The guys have mentioned it numerous times that it would be better if I ‘livened’ up during sex. Sometimes I pretend, but that takes away from the experience. Like, I don’t have sex so they can enjoy it. I’m happy they do, but it’s primarily about my own enjoyment.

“That all changes when I think of you. I have butterflies in my stomach riding Ryan’s cock as he records me. A giddiness runs through me as I snap a selfie kissing Grant’s cock. A euphoric rush washes over me when Colin blows his load over my face before grabbing my phone to take a picture. Even when it’s something as simple as posing for Emily's pictures, knowing you are going to see it arouses me. When I think, ‘How is Isaac going to react to this?’ it excites me in ways I didn’t think were possible. Then I see it. The expressions you make when I tease you about it. Hearing how you masturbate to them… How they drive you wild… It satisfies me in a way sex doesn’t.”

There was pain in her expression as she **** herself to continue. “But you were right. This is a one-way street. I know that and I know you deserve better, but the idea of going back to how things were… It leaves me with an empty feeling inside. The idea of you leaving fills me with a deep-seated dread that I will be losing something. Something important. Something irreplaceable and precious.” She brushed the hair that had fallen into her face as she looked up. She was avoiding looking at me, focusing forward. “You are a unique guy in my life. The other guys care about me, but it is different than you. They aren’t concerned with who I sleep with or what I do with other guys. You do. Sarah says I have an emotional connection to you. A real connection. I…saw that. When you rejected my offer. You would rather walk away with nothing than simply become another guy I have fun with. That is why you are different. You prioritize something I thought was irrelevant and pointless. Only it isn’t. Not anymore. It is there and far more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s invasive, weaving through my entire being to the point I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”

There was a quiver in her voice and I could see wetness in her eyes. A sadness painted each word as she **** herself forward. “I am a twisted person, Isaac. Our emotional connection makes sex with other guys so much better because I know what it does to you. I see it in your eyes when I talk about it. I see that hunger that haunts you. It hurts, but you can’t stop desiring more. Craving more. Something inside me responded to that. You make me feel wanted in a way no other guy ever has. Until you, I didn’t even realize it was possible to feel this way.” A hurt took over her emotions as she looked at me. “It’s what drives me to hurt you. I know that now. Every time I tell you about how another man has had me, you have this look to you when we are in the moment. Beyond the pain. Beyond the jealousy, there is this overwhelming need in you. Your need for me. Like I am the only woman in the universe. Seeing that makes me feel… I don’t know. I can’t describe it. But I crave it more than anything.”

It wasn’t just her head that lowered, it was like her entire body lost its strength. “But I know that isn’t what you need. Seeing you react to my friends’ advances hurt. It hurt because they desired you. They made you feel wanted, like you make me feel wanted. The smile you had. The confidence you radiated. All it did was drive home how unhealthy things are between us. You make me feel like that, but what do I offer? Realizing that hurt me. I got angry at you when I was really angry with myself.” Her eyes went to her hands that she rested on her lap. “I never gave much consideration to why I was ‘off’ compared to other people. It never negatively affected me or my relationships, so why bother? You changed that. **** me to face it. Like why I am perfectly content fucking a man I barely know, yet the idea of sleeping with you makes me feel… nothing. It’s wrong. I know it is wrong. I want it to be different. I want it so badly. Yet my desires have little say in how I feel apparently.”

“We got close on Friday.”

She looked away as I saw a flash of guilt. “Letting you have sex with me is not the same as wanting to have sex.”

Dejected, I did my best to fight the stinging in my eye. “I guess that makes sense. Ryan and them certainly are a cut above the rest. A new wardrobe and style isn’t going to change the fact a pig is a pig.”

She winced. “I was only teasing you with that. I think you are better looking than you give yourself credit for.” The small smile she managed quickly faded. “But you don’t understand what I’m saying. It’s not you. It’s all guys. I told you before I’m not picky about who I sleep with. Physical attraction doesn’t matter to me. Sex with Ryan feels no different than sex with say, a forty-year-old man with a dad bod.”

I shook my head. “So if you aren’t attracted to them, why have sex?”

She shrugged. “Because it feels good.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it. Attractiveness has no impact on a man's ability to pleasure me.”

The silence was heavy as we both were left to our thoughts. There was a lot to unpack and I was still in the process when she spoke again.

“I know we have a connection. It’s the reason why you are still here despite all the shit I’ve put you through. I have abused your feelings for me and manipulated things for my own benefit. For that, I’m sorry.”

Standing from my chair, her head swiftly turned to me. Her eyes tracked me as I walked over to her. I offered my hands to her. Her gaze went to my hands, then back to me before gently reaching for them. I helped her to her feet. She was as short as always, yet she always seemed to be so much more. Her presence was always this overwhelming thing before me. Today? It was different. I wasn’t cowed by her smug grin or overbearing confidence, nor did I feel that I was towering over her. For the first time, we were just… there. Maybe not quite equals, but close.

Her eyes studied mine, unsure of what was happening as I leaned in. My lips brushed hers for an instant before she pulled away. Still holding her hands, I stepped forward and leaned in again. The kiss lasted a few seconds before she pulled away once more.

“Isaac—”

“Are you willing to try?” I whispered.

“What?”

I spoke in a soft and gentle voice as if she would flee at any moment. “I’m not asking you to be the perfect girlfriend or get everything right. You know my feelings about you and other guys, so you know I won’t tell you to stop. Know that I don’t want you to stop. Tear me down all you want. I can take it.” Her eyes were wide as she looked at me. I knew she could feel the tremble in my hands as I pushed myself forward. “But you need to learn how to put me back together again or all you will be left with is rubble. You think you have to be perfect right from the get-go, but you don’t. You can fuck up. You will fuck up. Just like I will. I need to know that you are trying though. That you want to do something more with me than grind me down until nothing is left. If you are willing to try, then I will work with you to find something that works for both of us for as long as we need to.”

“What if I can’t?”

I didn’t answer right away. “I would feel much better trying and failing rather than living with the regret of what might have been.”

“You say that now…” She sighed. “This relationship you so desire, does that include us having sex?”

My cheeks burned. “Not… right away.”

“But eventually?”

I nodded and she was back to looking upset. “Why this obsession with this? You said yourself, you don’t mind who you do it with. Why the hangup with me?”

“Because it isn’t just sex with you. I saw it when you were pushing me on the bed. The way you looked at me…No one ever has looked at me like that. Ever. What is an emotional connection to me is both emotional and physical to you.” Her eyes fell away. “You are a good man, Isaac. You deserve someone who is with you for you. All of you. I…I don’t think I can. I wish it was different. I wish I was different. This is who I am though. I get joy hurting the only person I feel something for. That isn’t healthy, and you deserve better.”

I sighed, shaking my head. She seemed to shrink away. Reaching up, I lightly bopped her on the head. She looked up at me with a mix of shock and anger. “You, are an idiot.”

“Wha—”

“What have I been asking for this whole time, Emma? Intimacy. We already have something there between us. This wouldn’t be such a confusing mess of a situation if we didn’t. We share that emotional connection, and I want to develop that. With you.”

I stared down at her. “Have you forgotten that I also like all your ‘material collection’ you do? Your teasing nature drives me crazy. Yeah, it hurts and sometimes you go too far, but you aren’t doing that out of malice. That much is clear now. That intimacy you’re afraid you aren’t capable of? You are doing that right now. Moments like this. Open, honest communication about how we feel and what we want. That is what I’m looking for. Confirmation that my feelings are returned.”

“And sex.”

I huffed. “It is kind of annoying you are writing that off so readily. We haven’t even done anything serious and yet you see it as a complete loss. I get that you don’t feel that physical intimacy, but have you tried? Really tried? Because maybe, just maybe, it’s not that you can’t feel it, but haven’t found the right person to connect with. You said yourself it was never a priority.”

“I just don’t want to—” She stopped, her eyes widening slightly. I smiled, knowing what she was about to say.

“Hurt me?”

She didn’t seem to like how I knew what she was going to say. Narrowing her eyes, she offered her version. “Disappoint you.”

“I’m willing to wait.” Her eyes widened. “We can start small, try different things to see if there is something there. If you still don’t feel anything, well, we can deal with that when we get there.”

She pulled away. “I need time to think.”

“Okay.”

She hesitated, looking like she was going to say something before deciding against it. Biting her lower lip, she looked at me. Without saying anything more, she left me alone in my room.

Sagging into my chair, I let out a long breath. Nothing was ever easy with her, yet I couldn’t let her go.

My eyes went to my computer. All those images I had of her, all those videos; I loved them. Even if it was the girl I’d fallen for, cared about, just thinking about them now had my heart racing and butterflies taking flight in my belly. They had been special before, but now…? She had admitted they were another side of her. A side that only I brought out. How could I not feel special? Resist the desire for more? More of this beautiful, intense woman who drove me wild with emotion.

For all her flaws and twisted nature, how was I any different?